Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

[lilajcolls]

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

Of course he should leave his money to his children. That's usually what folk do.

If you were married and he died and left half of the house you owned half of and lived in to EW - wouldn't the courts award it to you as you were married to him, considering all her wealth and you had lived in house for x years?

Why is everything of yours going to him? Do you not have closer family who'd benefit from it, nephews nieces even?

Its not unreasonable for him to leave it to a woman he's known far longer than you even if they're divorced, he still clearly values her as his kids mum and nicely so. Unusual but not unreasonable.
You need to be abit more savvy with your financial plans and get the house legally half in your name etc and understand what will happen on his death clearly as you may be left in a position where she then has a large equitable share in your property and wants to sell. Talk it out or buy under your name solely and he can pay you rent or something

Not necessarily. The will could supersede any marital rights depending how the property is registered and when the will was made. "Tenants in common" is often used for purchasing with unequal shares but the deceased share does not automatically pass to co-owner/s unlike a Joint Tenancy. www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership

Do you plan on having children?

I think you maybe have posted about him before? Splitting everything 50:50 with you when he is handing out money left, right and centre to his ex wife makes me advise you to run for the hills. Also, this may not be relevant but I am also concerned that by sticking with this man you may not ever have a family of your own if you decide to have one, by whatever means, down the line. I would advise you to buy your own place and move on.

Given you’ve only been together a few years it would be odd at this point for him to leave his very substantial wealth to a girlfriend. That could change over time of course, but right now I don’t blame him for not leaving it to you, and I guess by leaving it to his ex wife it will go to his kids. Maybe once all kids over 18 that could change. Buy your own place and rent it out and if he wants you to live together he’s going to have to buy the house

so?
why would you leave money to bf?
leave it to your sibling first, then god children, best mate? best mates kids.

why would you leave a rich man money who isn't even considering you? don't be an idiot.

Sorry if I've missed it, but I don't think you've answered if you want to have children with him. Given your ages, I'd be really wary of him future faking and you wasting the rest of your thirties on him. I know folk have suggested just keeping financial independence, but if you wanted children I wouldn't stay in the current situation either as he might be able to put things off forever but you can't.

For me, the issue isn't so much him currently not leaving things to his girlfriend. It's more the "don't worry your little head about it dear" attitude when you are a competent adult and him not setting out a clear future path.

E.g. at the moment this is how I've got my estate set up, after marriage it would be set up like this (shared marital home to you, rest to his kids) and here's how things would look the longer we're married (i.e. after 30 years and two kids together presumably he wouldn't want to leave you penniless except the house).

It does feel like he's less certain of a future with you than you are with him. Is there a concrete wedding date, bookings etc or is that in a year or so just future faking?

But leaving it to his ex doesn’t guarantee that it will go to his kids. ExW could get married after and leave it all to her new husband. Surely he knows this, and will have been advised of this by his lawyer, particularly when dealing with such a large estate.

Did you mention way back up the thread that he felt the marriage had been abusive (presumably on her part towards him?) Even stranger then that he would want ex wife to be in charge of all paperwork etc in the event of anything happening to him. And let's not forget - that might not be him dying. It could be a stroke or other serious illness that means he is not able to run his own affairs. Then what happens?

This getting married next year thing. Is it all out in the open? As in, do you as a couple talk about it in front of friends, are you excitedly making arrangements, does it feel properly real? I cannot work out from your posts where the impetus or momentum is coming from.

And I think that that is important because it speaks to motivation and the strength of the relationship and the depth of the love and the equality of the bond between you. All your worries about houses and ex wives and will are background noise, in a way... the bigger question is - do you trust him? Fundamentally, is he your best friend?

Or is he a wealthy older man, accomplished and successful, who shares your professional background and passions. Sounds mega attractive - but actually will not make you happy in the long run.

This. It's only been three years, but how will things stand in another ten or twenty years? How will you feel if he's still concerned only about the welfare of his ex-wife and kids after his death?

I think it's fine personally and wouldn't have a problem with it myself. His ex wife has brought up his children, it's hard work and I think it's fine that he's rewarding her for that. You've only been with him 3 years and you've got no children together.

I am a single parent and if I had a partner I wouldn't be leaving anything to them. It would all go to DS.

his ex has approx £60m and that's just from the divorce alone.

£60m!
I don't think I can add anything useful to this thread!

i think it sounds like his ex wife was in the trenches with him when building the company and he wants to be fair and probably trust her to make the best decisions on his estate in the case of his untimely death.

its weird but if they're good friends still, or he feels guilty it makes sense. I can even think of an ex who would probably do this.

I think it's a bit thoughtless but also you are a 3 year GF so leaving it to you would be nuts anyway. however if you get married its a no no.

if you move in let him buy the house and contribute to bills. don't go 50/50.
i'd also go to couples therapy before getting married to discuss these things in a neutral arena.

I imagine he has an accountant/wealth manager and is being deliberately vague with you: it’s easier to say ‘Jane and the kids, what can I do?’ than admit to you that he doesn’t want you to benefit in any way, even if that puts your future financial security at risk.

Well this is fucked up. No way I’d play second fiddle to an “abusive” ex wife. Let alone have so many questions about what the hell has gone on between them.

Of course his kids should inherit but he should set up a lifetime trust type will to make sure you’re taken care of as well. Once you’re married, any previous will becomes null and void anyway, unless he included the clause about it being made with marriage to you in mind.

Absolutely this with bells on!! His ex wife can't touch anything of his now. They're divorced, financal order complete. Time for a very open & honest discussion with this man. As others have said, leave your worldly goods to those who have been in your life more than 5min.

Do not move in with him. Do not leave anything to him. Make sure you tell him that.

His story does not have the ring of truth.

What reason does he give for thinking his ex actually needs to be left money?

I think the key issue is whether you have children together. If not, just buy your own place and carry on as now, staying with each other when it suits. I know someone who did this after the legal serfdom his wife (RC married for life), but spent the next 40 years with a ‘partner’ who bought a place nearby. Everything went to the children, grandchildren and he left his marriage with a suitcase - house, all possessions left to his wife. I also know of a case where a distant relative inherited a house where the elderly female ‘partner’ had to leave in her 70s / 80s (no life interest) - don’t place yourself in that position.

Separation not serfdom!

I’d buy my own flat, rent it out and then rent a place with the partner. The rent split should be based on what each one earns if your partner wants fancier digs.

I would not be leaving all my stuff to him 3 years in, itd be better going to charity! I've been with DP 5yrs but everything's going to my daughter, soz.

@lilajcolls don't leave your money to him. Don't marry or move in with him either. If you don't plan on having children then leave your money to charity. Your boyfriend obviously loves his ex more than you. Only his children should inherit!