Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

[lilajcolls]

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

@lilajcolls - I'll cut to the chase:

Whichever way you want to twist this...

Whatever practical steps you take to protect yourself...

This man does not have your back - which is absolutely vital in any long-term relationship.

This is NEVER going to end well.

Buy your own home.
Don't live with this man and certainly don't marry him - unless there is clear, legally-binding provision for you, as well as for his ex and children. Upfront, not 'we'll sort it out later'.

The way it is right now, he does not prioritise you at all.
So, this one is for fun, not for anything serious.

If you are so well set up, OP @lilajcolls why not just get some good legal and financial advice, rather than gossiping about the situation on here where you may well be given outright wrong or confusing information?

Why join your lives at all? Just buy a house yourself if you are so financially independent. You can still have a relationship without living in one another's pockets.

I don’t understand why you’re not leaving everything in your will to your sister just because she’s older than you and has no children. Your partners older than you too, presumably not more than a couple of years younger than your sister as I’m assuming she’s under 50 if looking to adopt in future. This man is a multi-millionaire, surely the money would make more of a difference in your sister’s life than your partners? Why does the fact he has children, who are already set to inherit from him and his wife who is also a multi-millionaire, mean the money should go to him over your sister?

I'm another who thinks it's bonkers to leave your money to a boyfriend and his family instead of giving it to your own. Why does it matter that your sister doesn't have children? Would the money not still be of some benefit to her?

You need to accept that you and him aren't partners. He just wants a girlfriend. Those are easy to dispose of.

Does he realise that he's being quite hurtful? All the gold digging talk, leaving you without the security of your home should he die?

You could be together far longer than him and his wife were, so what's the threshold for you to be treated as a partner?

This isn't just about the money, this is about his emotional constipation. Can he not see that should you buy a house together, 50/50 and he dies, you won't have access to the documents you would need? That you'd be at the mercy of someone else? Yet, he values you for your independence? But you can't be so independent as to be trusted with your own houses' documents?

He needs to be more honest and needs to see things from your perspective. And he either needs to say he thinks your a gold digger and he's protecting his fortune from you, or that he accepts you're not and jump in properly. Even if he does the latter, it doesn't mean you want all of his money on his death, just the right to live in the home you've paid half for!

He's a fool, he has found someone that isn't interested in his money, supports him and is independent. But he's gonna blow it.

Do you hope to have children one day? Do you hope to get married? Both of these things are more important and come before considering whether to move in together.

Marriage automatically voids any prior will, so if you marry, you will both need to write one afterwards. In your situation, a pre-nup would be a good idea. But, please change your will and leave everything to your sister. What you have is loose change to your partner, but might make a difference to her.

Leave the money to a deserving charity instead! And also wtf I wouldn’t want a relationship where my boyfriend of three years left everything to his ex wife. I wouldn’t want or expect it to go to ME but come on, surely someone in his position would leave it all to the kids.

Although double check it wasn’t some sort of agreement he made in the divorce.

How much time do you spend with him now? Are you sure their relationship is over? Or are you just the mistress?

Did he leave her for you?
Does he wish he hadn't?
Is this guilt and regret talking?

His ex shouldn't feature at all in his financial planning. Children yes, of course, but not his ex. That is a massive red flag.

he's been burned before and had to give his ex-wife the martial home and 50% of his assets.

So this is a man who regarded them as “his” assets rather than joint assets and sees a normal financial split with his wife and mother of his children as being burned?

This is a man who has presumably $50m plus in assets left and is happy to split the dinner bill 50/50 with you despite a massive financial disparity?

Who knows you’re leaving everything to him but evades questions about what he might leave to you?

No fucking way, love. You’re being taken for a ride.

My gut feeling is that one of two things is happening here:

Either he is concerned that that level of inheritance could be dangerous for the children and so he and his wife have mirror wills leaving everything to each other. So the last living parent has control of the “family money” to restrict the childrens access.

Or for some reason the money is “morally” hers but legally his. And so although he’s followed the law in terms of the split after divorce he still considers it hers.

In your position I’d leave your money elsewhere, buy your own home separate from him and only agree to move in with him if he buys a home and puts the house into a trust giving you a lifetime interest.

Don't be swept into his greediness.

He's really not considering your future security and wellbeing.

This is so important. You must 100% be on a completely equal footing.

If he refuses to leave his share to you, you've got to match that, and secure your share for your sister. See how he likes that.

It MUST be on an equal footing, otherwise you'll always be the underdog and it will end badly.

I think he's greedy and has got a massive cheek. He's fully aware, because he won't speak to you about it.

What would happen if you fell pregnant? Would he expect you to be 50% responsible from day one? Could you afford to do that on maternity pay or would you be working full time with a tiny baby? Marriage to me is about being a team, he doesn't seem to want that really.

I would stay completely financially separate and see how the relationship progresses in the future and then reevaluate.

I’m not sure I could be with a man who openly didn’t appear to trust me, was not transparent and refused to talk about the future.

The strangest thing is you leaving your money to a partner you aren’t married to, don’t live with and have only known for 3 years. If I was your sister I would be very very hurt indeed.

The strangest thing is you leaving your money to a partner you aren’t married to, don’t live with and have only known for 3 years. If I was your sister I would be very very hurt indeed.

Please buy your own place. Imagine if he dies while you bought a home together?! You'd have to sell it, to give half to his ex wife! Imagine the upheaval during a difficult time. I'd buy your own and explain to him why you're doing it. You never want to get kicked out of your own home. I wouldn't marry him either, I feel like a prenuptial would appear! That would leave you in a difficult position, if you divorced. Leave your money to charity. He clearly doesn't need it, nor is it bring reciprocated.

I’m getting more of a “boyfriend/girlfriend” vibe here than a “partner” vibe. Partners act together, for example, doing wills together. Yes, his children should be the focal point in his will, but if you were partners, you’d be involved and would be part of the discussion. You’re in girlfriend territory here, particularly because he refuses to discuss it with you. The responsible thing to do when buying joint property is to get wills in order so that both parties are covered in regards to their investment. The fact that he refuses to do this means that he is not ready to buy property with you—girlfriend territory. I would recommend amending your will—I can’t see how leaving him all of your assets in his current state of financial commitment to you/transparency is the responsible thing to do. He says he wants to get engaged/married…is he stringing you along? Men who use the term “been burned before” aren’t often queuing up to get married again. I’m seeing lots of red flags here, OP. If you enjoy his company and being his girlfriend, by all means, keep dating him. But in the meantime, sort out your own assets, ensure that your retirement pot is on track, and match his level of nonchalance when you talk to him about your finances. It’s a two-way street—he doesn’t get 100% transparency of your finances/to be your heir if he’s not reciprocating.

Op, you sound lovely. But the man sounds like a wimp that is quite frankly letting his ex wife walk all over him! And where is her own sense of self-dignity in this I wonder? Because I wouldn’t be asking anyone for money if I had 60 mil in the bank!

There are too many questions in all of this, and yes one is regarding how much dirt she might have on him (doesn’t have to be financial) but ultimately I just don’t think I’d find someone who is clearly so clueless about his partner’s needs attractive. I’d tell him to keep his millions and shove it.

One thing I know for sure is that if I were in his position and had a partner that I truly loved then I would treat them like a QUEEN. You deserve to be treated like one too op, even though I get the feeling you’re too independent for that 😉

FYI... his ex has approx £60m and that's just from the divorce alone.

He's minted enough that he had this amount to share in the divorce yet after three years you decided to leave him everything of yours, not your sister?

I would find that very hurtful and bizarre if I was her tbh.

You mention she doesn't have children but that might change, as if she isn't worth leaving everything to if she doesn't have kids.

You also mention your parents left her most of their money, as if that means she doesn't need yours... yet would leave it all to a man worth millions who you've only been with for three years.

I know you've said you plan to leave everything to her now but the fact you didn't do that in the first place is very odd and as I say quite hurtful if she ever knew.

When you consider it from an asset point of view rather than the cost, it isn't really a 50/50 relationship is it? If you shared a property 50/50, he would be putting pennies into it, whilst sitting on a huge amount of assets. Whilst expecting you to give your whole life to him.

Kids are expensive 😂