Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

[lilajcolls]

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

It's his money. He can do what he likes with it. He has history with this woman, you can't change that.

Agree with another poster, are you leaving him money?

OP did you post before about this guy? He wanted to go to St Bart’s (or somewhere similar) and was wasn’t being upfront about the costs you would be covering?

so does he want to buy together in a more affluent area than you can afford? And is he then happy for you to pay for example 20% and him 80%, but then you both have your names on the deeds? So if he passes before you, this house will be yours fully? And ex won’t get his share??

Exactly! Completely bonkers.

Easy

you buy your own place and go ahead with looking after yourself

you can move in with him, and then get a tenant.

That way you are still building a home for your future self and do not have all your eggs in one basket

leave your assets in your will to your family/nueces/nephews/whoever

you can always change this if you ever marry

by the way what is the age gap between you and this guy?

None of this sound right to me, he's a con man by the sounds of it.

Ding, ding, ding. Now, that's a warning bell worth listening to, if I ever heard one.

I think you shouldn't lose sight of the fact that you are still single and you should make decisions based on that. Buy your own place and hold onto to it even if circumstances change.

If you really want to have children maybe assess whether it's realistic to have them with him given he doesn't appear fully committed to you.

Leave yourself open to other relationships.

Stop talking about children / moving in / marriage and leave it up to him to convince you he's ready for any of these. If he truly loves you and wanted to share the rest of his life with you he'd be looking for a home and promising you'd be fully looked after financially should he die (especially if there might be children involved)
I think given how important his ex is to him and that she will be the executed of his will you should suggest you get to meet her. That might she'd some more light on the situation

In summary focus on your plans and stop feeling like you need to prove anything.

I bet his wife was a joint owner in this company that he set up and the £60M is her share of the proceeds of the sale. Under any divorce agreement he would still also be liable for his share of child support. To give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he is wary to get involved financially with another woman after what happened with his ex wife? Although my spider sense is telling me that if he was serious about you he would find a way of making the purchase of a house with you "fair" and ensure that you would be covered if he was to meet an untimely death. Are these plans for buying a house together something that he has brought up and how far down the line are you with it? Have you been to view places, worked out your own financials etc? Is he just stringing you along? Are you perhaps a girlfriend that he enjoys spending time with but has no intention of getting into bed with financially at any point in the near future?

Also what is the situation with kids and you? Do you expect to have children with this man and have you discussed what will happen then?

So many red flags OP...be careful.

In your shoes I would:

Buy your own place
Rent it out if you go and live with him in his house
Leave your estate to your sister and some to charity. Your will is ‘for now’ and if something happened to you in the near future your DSis would still have time to appreciate it. You can re-do your Will in 20 years time.

Not read the whole thread, just OP's posts. So this may already have been suggested. But assuming OP wants to stay with him and get married this is what I would suggest:

OP buys her own property.

OP points out to him he is offering her no security so she is not prepared to buy a property with him. If he wants to buy a property that they live in together, fine. She will move in and let out her own property. They can discuss how outgoings are split.

Pre nup signed so OP keeps her property and he keeps his in the event of divorce.

If he dies he leaves everything as he sees fit and OP moves into her own property. If OP dies she leaves everything as she sees fit. He will in any case not be financially dependent on OP so he carries on living in the home.

Sorry HNRWT, just Op's op. @lilajcolls

This is TOUGH and maybe an indication you should get together with someone with similar means. Even I too would be like your partner and wonder why on earth he wants to buy with you at all. Can't he just buy alone and you buy something smaller that YOU can afford alone and rent out? In your shoes that's also what I would do.

Yes, whilst he must at least give his share of the new house you are buying to you (he has no obligation), the rest of you does sound like gold- digging. It is reasonable for him to want jane to handle all and close the subject.

I would leave anything to your future niece or nephew then.

Have now read all OP's posts. YOu write so much but say very little. You leaving everything to him in your will was a massive red flag you gave off. Your protestation of being financially independent and your expectation to discuss his finances fully with you etc do not add up.

He might also be hiding something from you, or he might be behaving towards you financially in a way that he thinks will protect himself and his kids from you/the next woman after his ex wife.

I wouldn't continue with this relationship if I were you. Good thing you are buying your own place alone. He smacks of someone who will be financially abusive towards you once you are married. I know a princess with her own separate assets divorcing someone also with his own assets because he was measly on household necessities' spending.

This sounds like a scam to me.
Are you 100% sure he is who he says he is?

OP, I mean it kindly, the problem is that he is very much out of your league financially, and you feel that he is your 'one in million' chance. Hence all this 'your will in his favour' to show him how serious you are about him. But unfortunately he is not that much interested in you to equalise this strong financial misalliance. He will never marry you, he is and will waste your time with 'probably' and 'maybe' and 'no gold-diggers please bla' because you are an undemanding girlfriend.

There is no question about buying houses together - it is not on the table, you don't have dilemma. Real offer of buying together is when you are looking together through rightmove and have agreement in principle for mortgage. This is very easy and quick to arrange when there is interest from both sides. And you know this, but just don't want to admit even to yourself.

Do a thought experiment: if he was not a millionaire, but your colleague with similar income and rental situation, would you spend the time with him or would you look for someone who will be serious about you and will treat you as equal?

I get the appeal of dating high-status man, and the difficulty to admit that he is just not into you for whatever reason.

This- he clearly doesn’t need it and would only be left to his children

i think the house is a different point- ifif you buy jointly (joint tenants) then it should be willed outright to one another in case something happens to ensure neither of you loose your home. Shouldn’t affect what he does with his ex.

BUT, for god sake don’t buy as joint tenants in these circumstances anyway. You need to buy as tenants in common, buy your % proportion of share (doesn’t need to be 50:50) with a legal agreement of what happens to bills for building works, building insurances and the likes and what happens if you split. Make it robust. So you each own a portion outright in your own right.

Do not share any other finances, nor leave him anything in your will. Do you want your money going to his wife and children fgs! Certainly this stage of your financial relationship is nothing to him when he has other children, an ex wife etc, and you don’t have children

I can see why after a long marriage a couple may agree to continue to leave each other a benefit in the Will if the divorce was amicable and they had built a lot of wealth togther mutually over that marriage. I’m a bit in that situation of thinking my ex should probably get “his” money (or our joint assets) at least partially back on my death rather than direct to our youngish sons. But then I think, actually it means sons will more likely get something form one of us not being zapped by care home fees. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣🤣. But, then neither of us still have dependant children now, nor with new partners .

He clearly is more legally separated than divorced in his mindset ….as others say if they’re divorced it makes no sense form IHT purposes. But there are good reasons around money passing to his kids, via their mother rather than risk passing to you and you leaving it to a random new man or children he has no connection with.

the stronger pointer to not leaving anything in your will at this stage is the fact he will not discuss his emergency and death related practicalities with you. He doesn’t trust you in short. He doesn’t see you as a permanent fixture who will be sorting that out. Never mind a LPOA !

until he has moved on a bit more form the emotional ties to his ex (maybe once kids are more independent and he is not needing to be so involved with her) , than live your financially separate lives. Tenants in common only,separate savings, separate accounts, and making your own arrangements in event of death or mental incapacity that doesn’t rely on him. You are not in full partnership even if you think so. Ideally marry before you joint tenant or leave anything in your will.

If he's as rich as you say he is, surely he has plenty to leave to his kids without including any house you buy together. I would insist that both your wills state that, in the event of one of your deaths, the house goes to the other partner. The rest of his wealth can pass to his children. Possibly, if you don't think you could afford the house alone, you could stipulate that his half of the mortgage would also be paid from his estate.

Still leaves plenty for his kids

Reading through your original post again OP I think your partner is happy to move in with you but there is no suggestion that he is actually interested in buying a house WITH you. I'm not sure that there is anything in it for him - you said yourself that you can afford a deposit and he could afford to buy outright...if I were him I think it would feel a bit like you were asking me to help fund my house purchase and give me guarantees that if things go tits up that I could keep the whole thing. I could see how from his perspective there might also be red flags.

I do think it's incredibly weird to leave your estate to your BF, who you don't even live with and who you've only known for 3.5 years.
To find out that he is a millionaire (so doesn't even need your money) and that you have a DSis who has health issues - it all just comes across as a bit mean.

Definitely do not buy any property together until you are married. You go ahead and buy what you can afford.

Do you think he wants to marry you? If so, get that planned.
Do you want DC? If so you need to chat ASAP

At the moment you are just a GF. You don't even live together.
If he gets on with his Ex, the mother of his DC, she may well be more aware of solicitors and bank details over you.

Thanks for all your responses! We got into it this morning and I gave him no room to be evasive.

I totally agree that he should 100% support his children - both during and after his lifetime! Thankfully everyone on this thread seems to feel the same way. I don't see why he has to continue to support his already massively wealthy ex-wife, but that is entirely his choice - and I respect it. To those asking, no they didn't co-own the company and she's not named as someone on the books (she's never had a job in that regard).

But the biggest shock of all, was that he admitted he had an agreement with his ex-wife that he was never have any more children - and more so - that his entire estate was to go only to her and their children - which includes all monies and assets. I don't have children of my own nor did I want them. My career has always come first - and that's actually why I'm able to buy on my own. (It was him pushing to buy together, not me. It was him pushing for marriage, not me. It was actually me who initially suggested we live on the same street, but not together). There's not such a disparity that means we both can't afford the same neighbourhood etc...

My sister (who is a fair bit older than I am) has had a lot of health issues her whole life - and frankly; we am lucky she is still here. Her plan is to adopt due to said battles, but I don't know if her illness would stay in remission. I already support her in many ways - and she was very well taken care of by my parents' passing - but long term (and as someone with a biomedical background) I don't see her having a long life - as much as I (obviously) want her to. This also feeds into why she's hesitant to adopt - and why I don't see that realistically happening. As I said in my previous posts, both my parents have passed away. I also have no nieces or nephews obviously. So I suspect giving to charities (of which I already support) would be the best bet. I have already made it so.

I feel it is important to note, it is not 'gold-digging' to want to eventually remain in the house we BOTH paid for - certainly after enough time has passed. Say if we were together 10/20/30 years - I, of course, wouldn't want to face the possibility of being homeless one day. That's yet another reason why I'd want my own property regardless - and what my life plan was aiming towards anyway - with or without him.

If he wants to leave all his assets and money to his ex-wife and children, that is his choice - but if I paid a large sum of money towards/into a home - and lived in it for 'x' amount of time, I do want the security of knowing I could live there for the rest of my days - and it's not like I'd be paying only a minute portion of the house/bills anyway.

he is hiding something. WHY did they have to make a no more children agreements and that shed get everything once he fluffs it?

either he doesn't have all this money and hes dodgy OR she has some big dirt on him and its a form of blackmail

What is this 'off him'? They divorced. They each got their fair share of marital assets. It's not the freaking 1860s. He didn't gift her money

He said it because she wanted to be the sole beneficiary of his estate and that she wanted all his resources to go only to their family - and no one else.

In truth; it doesn't bother me that much as I don't want/need his money - nor are we having children, but if we are to live together - then yes, I do want to know that there isn't the possibility of me being homeless... which is why I'm going to stick with my original plan, which was to buy on my own anyway.