Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

[lilajcolls]

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

Who is Jane? I’m with everyone- 3 years isn’t long. If you buy the place you’re in proceed as if he weren’t around. Living together doesn’t have to be own together. All in your name. Make your will out to your sister. He doesn’t need money from you. If you split you won’t want to also lose your home. 3 years isn’t long!!!

Reading your posts @lilajcolls if feels very much like this man is still very much in a relationship with his ex wife.

Do you really want to be involved with someone where there will always be three of you?

Personally I would be running for the hills.

I know TWO very separate women who had ltrs with divorced men. They nursed their partners through years of cancer and dementia, delivered all the personal care to these men at the end of their lives and then as soon as they died they were evicted by their children and made homeless 😢

I'm totally on board with men providing for their ex wives and children but do not make yourself vulnerable here. Buy your own place and stay independent.

we don't dine out a lot or go on insane holidays

What a sad life. If I had enough money to give my ex £60m then I'm assuming there is enough money to buy a nice house for me and my current partner for eg £3m in Central London, go to a nice restaurant once a week and go on at least 1-2 nice holidays every year.

Also, are you planning to have or adopt children?
If there were children, would he house them?

@lilajcolls
What would he say if you told him you were leaving your share to your sister and not to him?
Personally, I would buy my own house and not get financially involved with someone who disregards my feelings

OP, stay independent and don't get financially involved with him. I'd also suggest you think seriously about whether you want a child/ children and whether this man is likely to want to commit to that and to supporting you and your children if you do. It may be time to think of looking for someone whose agenda and finances aren't so complicated.

Obviously don't leave him and his family anything. In your situation it would give me pleasure to look around at friends who are unlikely to inherit or are working hard in vital but poorly-paid jobs and leave them a little something should you shuffle off your mortal coil before they do. A legacy can make a great deal of difference to someone's life. When you've done that, leave the rest to charity. A cause you favour or the local hospice if your mum or dad received help that way. Revisit your will and adjust it every few years.

You've got your head screwed on: don't let blokey and his millions turn it. Good luck.

Sorry, thats really frustrating. I'd see it as a red flag.
Also as great and important as having two divorce parents getting on for the kids.
An exh & exw have no reason to carry on communicating after a divorce, unless it's for work or family. When they're relying on each other that isn't for work or kids the question that should be ask- why did they get divorced to begin with?

Maybe look at actual legal commitment from him else move on

@lilajcolls , this is still Jane’s man, so you’d be ridiculous setting your stall with him on these terms, if as he says, he’s sorted out his children’s future and left Jane in a good position post divorce.

Revisit buying a home with him.
Revisit leaving your worldly goods to him.
Just revisit the whole thing.

You’ll likely have a sibling, first cousin, family dog or something somewhere that could benefit from your estate, or it’s also likely to become Jane’s, should you die before him.

🤦🏾‍♀️

@lilajcolls Until I read he was a millionaire I assumed he was thinking he would have to provide for the ex-wife because of the terms of his divorce and this would be the only way to do it. However, it sounds like they were well placed to have a clean break.

However, he still doesn't seem to have thought through his estate planning very well. He could easily leave everything to his children without involving his ex-wife or leaving you short. He could have a trust with a life interest for you but where the assets then pass to the children upon your death.

So he's 46, divorced with 15 and 18yr old children, became wealthy himself rather than inheriting, and is wealthy enough that his ex-wife was given £60m of her own.

Feel like this might all be quite identifying information, OP.

I understand divorced parents wanting to leave their estate (including home) to their children and not their current partner, however, in this instance, where everybody involved has more than enough to set themselves up for life, I would not be buying a house with him that I wouldn't inherit on his death. Any house you buy together will become your home, maybe for many decades, you do not want to be evicted from it while grieving his death. My condition for proceeding would be that his half of our joint house is left to me (with an insurance policy to pay off the mortgage), all the rest of his money can go wherever he wants.

I don't believe his wealthy status at all. What he is doing just doesn't make sense. I bet he has no money to leave anyone and you are going to be his cash cow. You are being catfished. Run.

I think you need to direct your question to any joint assets, as in, if you pass away before me, what happens to the house that we are BOTH paying for, leave the rest of his money and assets out of it (as it sounds like you are to be fair)

But I have to agree with others, I wouldn't move in, if he asks why, just say that you're looking after yourself financially and practically - as he is doing, he is well within his right to protect his wealth - but so are you, it works both ways.

I guess he’s being evasive about what would happen to your house if he dies because he either doesn’t really know/it’s messy and in. 46 year olds mind it’s probably quite a remote event for now.
would just be upfront and say you cannot afford 50/50 split of a house ( and a different proportion should work anyway), you would need legal paperwork drawn up so that proportion of the house is yours if something were to happen to him. I have disproportionately more money than my spouse and if we were to move I know I would have to pay for a larger % and I’m ok with that, most normal people would

or else just forget the joint property and purchase your own, rent that out and move into whatever he buys? Seems far less messy tbh.

i can see his pov about wanting to make sure his partner is with him for the right reasons and I also respect that he’s protecting his children. On a side note, do you want kids with him? That will probably make things more complicated down the road

Buy your own place and live independently on your own. His ex is not his next of kin because they are divorced. You as his partner will have no say so in anything. Don’t put yourself at risk of being homeless in the case that your dp passes away.

If I were you I'd buy my own place, continue the relationship with him but not marry or live together.

Buy your own place and stay independent. Alternatively buy with him and insist that his share of the property is left to you if anything should happen otherwise you don't want to buy together and risk being homeless.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that you do sound a little bit like a gold digger. Apologies if that offends. But he can leave his money to who he likes. If you buy a property though that should be protected as it's your home.

Well if I was you I would leave majority of my assets to my sibling and the remaining to any close friends or charities. I would definitely not leave anything to a super rich new boyfriend.

From his point of view also, he must have done his estate planning a while back and at that time it was his choice to leave the bulk to his ex and their children. He is still young and you both have only been together 3 years so I don’t see any reason for him to include you in his will. Things might work out or you might break up and since he is so wealthy I can imagine why he doesn’t want to divulge all the details of his assets. He is hardly unlikely to keep changing his will each time he dates someone new. And for whatever reason he still wants his ex wife to benefit from his death and not you. It might be that she helped him build his empire and was with him when he had nothing, whatever his reasons that his choice. It could also be something as simple as him knowing she would do the right thing by the money and ensure it was used wisely for the kids etc.

This.
You are not married to this man why would you expect to inherit from him?

@lilajcolls Can I just check, has he written a new will since he divorced?

It feels like the abusive ex is a vengeful dragon who swoops in and demands offerings of gold and maidens to be sacrificed to her.

I have a friend who is very wealthy post divorce. She lives in the ex marital home. He still pays some bills twenty on! No children.
She will inherit from him and his current wife too. She is his executor.
They are very close.

Your partner is very wealthy for 46, are you sure that the numbers stack up?

You are at a good age to have a family and create your home, is that on the cards for him?
Because if you wait another five years the game changes.
I am married but own my house. It goes to my DH when I die. My children get my other assets.
It sounds like he wants a girlfriend not a wife. I'm newly disabled and my husband is having to nurse me and help me with work, can you see this man doing that?
Because let me tell you you never expect to become dependent. Financially or health wise.
A pretty girlfriend who is undemanding sounds a good deal for him. Ditto a wife who will share everything but his money!

I believe it to a certain degree but I’m a bit at OP even thinking like this has anything to do with her and she should buy her own property. They’re not married, doesn’t look like they even live together either.

What woman of her age on hearing about a man (or woman’s) partner’s wealth, doesn’t have her eyes light up more if it’s a lot? Well it can certainly be a contributory factor.

I’m reminded of an ex flatmate/friend of mine who was dating a seriously rich man. She broke it off with him. She then told me she was disappointed to hear that he’d met and married a Thai woman who he wasn’t with for that long, but he’d sadly died young (late 40s?) and the Thai wife got all his assets. I think my friend thought she should’ve got some and wondered should she have stayed with him and married him. I didn’t say anything but was secretly a bit disgusted with her thoughts.

its a red flag as it could leave you high and dry

purchase your own property and say he can come and stay etc and he can buy his property and you can go and stay. - but you can't afford to be mixing up your finances with his extended family, he has made that part very clear