Men still get away with this. Why?

[Utmilj]

Yes I probably sound bitter. Yes I could have chosen a better man to have children with… obviously didn’t think he’d be a deadbeat when we were discussing having a family together. But that accusation about women ‘choosing the right partner’ is a good way to start this post because it’s a very good example of how woman are always to blame and men get away with doing nothing, ignoring their responsibilities.

My situation… met who I thought was a lovely man, decent job, income, stable (or seemed to be). Said all the right things. I was pregnant after a few years and he left me after 7 months. I gave birth alone and funded all our child’s things entirely myself until the cms claim came into effect when ds was 7 months old. It took cms 7 months to chase him for payment. I was lucky, I am from a wealthy family, but why the fuck should women have to wait seven months for payment from a deadbeat? It’s disgusting.

Again I am lucky that he earns well so I have just about enough maintenance for it to be objectively satisfactory and covers nursery costs. For women claiming from men who earn much less, they are pushed into extremely difficult financial situations. Childcare costs all fall on them. Why? Why do we let this happen? It’s appalling. Women are told it’s a ‘lifestyle choice’ to use a nursery if they are a resident parent. No, nursery is a requirement if parents are to work.

And many resident parents are not full resident parents by choice. Lots of men enjoy a fortnightly visit to their child or children. They are quite happy with that. The woman just has to accept it, accept all the responsibility, the financial burden and the time. If they complain, they are such a terrible mother! How can a mother want to complain about doing it all because after all that’s their little baby! But men… men aren’t even faced with that question.

Yes, women could hand their child to social services. They don’t HAVE to parent their child. But again, imagine the outcry. What sort of woman would do that! When many dads have done just that, but they have the insurance policy of the woman who will pick up the slack and protects them from the shame of them personally handing their child over to social care.

Ds’s dad sees him. On his terms. When it suits. When he’s not too busy or he’s had time to relax first. He does what he likes and gets away with it. He focuses of his career. He likes the kudos. All while being a deadbeat.

As I said, I could be bitter (and I probably am a bit) but due to financial protection I have been lucky to not feel the full impact of this behaviour by a man. But this experience has made me realise just how shocking things are for women. Why are they still able to get away with this?

It blows my mind that it’s become a social norm for men to not see and/or not pay properly towards their children.

I think most decent people find it disgusting when it’s someone close to them, but when we hear a random mum say ‘their dad doesn’t see them’ or ‘he sees them once a month’, we’re so used to it that it hardly registers.

When we hear the much rarer cases of women not seeing their kids much, or at all, or not paying for them, almost everyone is appalled. Their faces contour and you can see their confusion and disgust. Rightly so, but men that do it need to be shamed by society in the same way. It needs to become socially unacceptable.

And it’s nothing to do with not being married, but everything to do with being a decent person. We never got married but my partner has been just as involved with our kids as I have from day one. If we had ever split, there is no way that he wouldn’t have seen and paid towards our children, both out of complete love for them as well as duty.

A friend of my partner cheated on his pregnant partner, stopped seeing his already existing child, and being self employed, fiddled his accounts to pay less maintenance. Bastard. My partner and the rest of his friends stopped speaking to him over the whole thing. Cheating on his wife, leaving her with a toddler and pregnant with their second, and if that wasn’t enough not seeing them or even paying properly towards them, sickened them all that they cut him out completely. He tried to contact his kids as older teens, conveniently not long after splitting with the OW and they told him where to go. They’re team mum all the way and the three of them are very close. The bloke lost his kids and all his long time friends. Very satisfying!

No one is denying women do it sometimes, but it is mostly men who abandon kids.

I know of women who have done it, 2 of them in fact. But I know of many, many more men who have done it. There’s not a huge societal problem of women abandoning children, not seeing them, or seeing them rarely or not paying properly for them. When women do it they are judged harshly. There is a massive societal problem with men doing it. It’s undeniable.

Theres no reason for good fathers to be offended by stating the truth. If you’re a good father, you should be as disgusted by these arseholes as we are. And yes, you can be disgusted by any woman that abandoned their kids too, but there’s no where near as many. That’s just how it is.

There’s also the social issue where it’s seen as odd for women to hand over the parenting reins, and they get judged for it.

brother’s daughter got a place at an excellent 6th for 10 minutes walk from his house. It meant her moving in with him m-f.

he was delighted.

his ex was horrified. Said point blank she would not pay maintenance because she was not “paying to have my child taken away”. She, her family and friends all thought a child should be with mum, and it wasn’t normal for that child to live with dad. Even if they were nearly 17 and completely their choice.

eventually the child was talked out of it because mum would miss her too much. No one even stopped to think hang on, this is how her dad’s been feeling the last 10 years. Paying every month, more than enough. Seeing his child on weekends, not being allowed to be a full time dad.

child went to a not so great 6th form 1.5 hours on public transport. The opposite direction to her dad’s house so she had to stop popping in after school. That was the beginning of the end of their relationship.

Parents should morally pay for their children. They should be hounded. I.know it is usually men.who don't pay. Tax payers should not have to.foot the bill

She never paid her mortgage/rent therefore keeping a roof over the kids head? Of gas/electricity bill to keep them warm, provided them with food and entertainment? Water bill? She never bought them any food? Etc. Because you do realise the maintenance money would have been used towards that?

I don’t know your circumstances but I’ve heard quite a few men claim that their exes are spending all the maintenance on themselves because they dare to have a night out or their nails done.

My friend has 2 teens and gets £600 a month maintenance from their dad. He tells everyone that shes spending it all on herself. It doesn’t even cover the kids hobbies never mind anything else.

@AlcoholSwab agree, he’s not a good one though he didn’t come across that way prior to pregnancy.

Your post really just blames women for male inadequacies, pretty much summing up my point.

Up to what percentage of the baby's growth cycle should the woman be able to kill it?
Match that to when the child is 18 for the man and see how that feels for you.

It isn't only men that can walk away, don't be daft. All breakups create a single parent household, at least for a time. Then bear in mind that our legal system then ensures that in almost cases, if the woman wants the child, she gets it.

So it it really a surprise that most of them are headed by women? You have no evidence of how many of those are from the father actively walking away. I certainly know enough who don't get to see their kids as much as they'd like, because the woman prevents it.

Take no notice, this poster and a few others seem to be entertaining themselves posting various versions of ‘women are the problem’ on lots of threads.

Advanced search is interesting for some posters. 😉

Agree with what you said. Exactly. My mum had me and did not receive one penny from my father all my life bless her. When I did eventually catch up with him he bought me one coffee. Wow. A lifetime of emotional, mental and practical support, budgeting and saving every last penny.
I think that women should also be able to back claim any support for half of what they have spent. Seems fair to me if they are taking on all the management, budgeting and responsibility, it's the least a "sperm supplier" can do.
It makes me sick and this is still going on and acceptable nearly 50 years later.
The patriarchy won't see a problem til it affects them so unprotected sex should lead to consequences. That would cool their ardour and coercion.
Plus the woman and child is stigmatised. "Single mums are to blame for this, that and everything in society" was a regular story in The Sun.
They are the innocent ones who a human male effectively leaves for dead. The naming and shaming should be on him.
Look at Boris and all the entitled dicks in the government. They are the cultural leaders of what's acceptable and we enable them to get elected when they are morally bankrupt.
Am totally with you. They are despicable humans. Imagine leaving a Mother when she is at her weakest and needs the most support and then imagine leaving an innocent little baby and skipping off onto the sunset with no/little consequences?
That's the patriarchy accepting a man's perspective and not even registering the woman's? 🥲

We all know that's true from experience. They are deluded x

There is a whole culture of men doing it and thinking it's ok to do it, women might do it too but it's much more rare as you well know, there's no culture of this among women.

Could be wrong but I personally feel that when single fathers are bringing up children alone. There's things said such as. He's bringing them kids up on his own, he's doing so well etc etc.

When its the single mother i feel like. People still look down their noses . Not so outwardly like it would have been many years ago. But it kind of feels mum is to blame sort of thing.. don't know if I'm making sense 🤣

Oh of course and there are statistics that indicate that the children of men have "better outcomes".. right now my son who grew up without a father is on course to do very badly in important exams. One run in with police under his belt.

But I wonder about "better outcomes". Does it mean more fearful of father as opposed to more connected to mother.

My son had no respect for me, so if the male children of single mothers have poorer outcomes, that is down to young men also having a total disrespect for women, but yet, men, the few men who are single parents are recognised as having children with "better outcomes".

I think it's down to a stronger power imbalance between a man and a boy.
Women don't have that at home with a teenage boy.

The problem is that single mothers make so many sacrifices for their sons (and daughters) but end up disrespected by men and yet men pat themselves on the back when they see stats proving children of single dad's after "better outcomes"