Men still get away with this. Why?

[Utmilj]

Yes I probably sound bitter. Yes I could have chosen a better man to have children with… obviously didn’t think he’d be a deadbeat when we were discussing having a family together. But that accusation about women ‘choosing the right partner’ is a good way to start this post because it’s a very good example of how woman are always to blame and men get away with doing nothing, ignoring their responsibilities.

My situation… met who I thought was a lovely man, decent job, income, stable (or seemed to be). Said all the right things. I was pregnant after a few years and he left me after 7 months. I gave birth alone and funded all our child’s things entirely myself until the cms claim came into effect when ds was 7 months old. It took cms 7 months to chase him for payment. I was lucky, I am from a wealthy family, but why the fuck should women have to wait seven months for payment from a deadbeat? It’s disgusting.

Again I am lucky that he earns well so I have just about enough maintenance for it to be objectively satisfactory and covers nursery costs. For women claiming from men who earn much less, they are pushed into extremely difficult financial situations. Childcare costs all fall on them. Why? Why do we let this happen? It’s appalling. Women are told it’s a ‘lifestyle choice’ to use a nursery if they are a resident parent. No, nursery is a requirement if parents are to work.

And many resident parents are not full resident parents by choice. Lots of men enjoy a fortnightly visit to their child or children. They are quite happy with that. The woman just has to accept it, accept all the responsibility, the financial burden and the time. If they complain, they are such a terrible mother! How can a mother want to complain about doing it all because after all that’s their little baby! But men… men aren’t even faced with that question.

Yes, women could hand their child to social services. They don’t HAVE to parent their child. But again, imagine the outcry. What sort of woman would do that! When many dads have done just that, but they have the insurance policy of the woman who will pick up the slack and protects them from the shame of them personally handing their child over to social care.

Ds’s dad sees him. On his terms. When it suits. When he’s not too busy or he’s had time to relax first. He does what he likes and gets away with it. He focuses of his career. He likes the kudos. All while being a deadbeat.

As I said, I could be bitter (and I probably am a bit) but due to financial protection I have been lucky to not feel the full impact of this behaviour by a man. But this experience has made me realise just how shocking things are for women. Why are they still able to get away with this?

Its the patriarchy. Every system and everything we do favours men and male priorities.

It’s the way society is set up.

to be completely honest, I don’t think I’d want to change it. Yes it’s shitty when men don’t step up, but would I really not want to be female and the default parent?

how many of us hand on heart would prefer to be the full time worker while dh went pt or sahd? How many of us willingly take on that role?

personally I’d rather be the one holding the baby. The idea of them living elsewhere 50% of the time does not appeal to me. As it stands in divorce women will always be RP unless there is neglect or abuse, so no need to be in court deciding who wants to be RP. If men did start giving up work to be a sahP, would we be happy for them to automatically get main carer status and only see our kids eow?

I know my brothers divorce nearly killed him. He didn’t want to be a part time dad. He saw them as much as possible, but knew it was very much on her say so and she could stop access at any time. He saw them a lot, but only when she chose to allow him.

Or he knew how to say all the right things and put on an act for a couple of weekends a month. Show, don’t tell.

I don't think the term bitter should come into play here you've got every right to be angry I certainly would be.

There's plenty of great dads and mums out there, then there's those that shouldn't of had kids. My mother never had a maternal bone in her body. so I can speak from experience.

You only see the good bits about a person at the beginning and it's only what they show you. You can only hope they are decent especially after having children.

No, you can't just hand your DC over to Social services. It doesn't work like that.

How do you know the mother didn't end the relationship? I knew a girl who got pregnant in her late teens. Father was the same age. He asked her to marry him, worked hard to pull together a deposit to buy a house. They married and had 2 children. After a few years she decided she didn't love him anymore, kicked him out of the house he worked hard to pay for, and installed a new boyfriend. This poor young man was still having to pay for everything while she was enjoying her new life in his home. Her parents were absolutely furious about her behaviour and refused to speak to her for years.

So while we rightly criticise some men who choose to leave their family, its not always by choice, some women can be just as bad

What's even worse is that they not only get away with it, they often also get called an 'amazing dad' who 'lives for his kids' even though he's only seeing him when it suits him and often barely paying anything.

Majority of men do life on their terms and that includes responsibility for their children

I'm another who says women can be just as bad. My sons stbxw walked out, hardly sees her heartbroken, confused young daughter and leaves all the bill paying, childcare and costs to my son. She shows up occasionally, seemingly to take photos of mum and daughter to put on facebook. He has full parental responsibility and wouldn’t dream of abandoning his daughter. He has a male friend in a similar position.

Have you read that correctly OP? The mother moved away, not the father. The PP doesn’t need to make any excuse for either her husband, or his ex.

Yep. My exH sees our kids once a week for a couple of hours. Yesterday, he didn’t turn up and the children told me it’s because he’s on holiday!

Incidentally, 85% of lone parent families are headed up by women https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/families/bulletins/familiesandhouseholds/2023

I honestly believe that state should fund resident parents for the actual costs of raising a child where the non-resident parent won't or cant but be able to extract the equivalent labour of the costs at minimum wage from the NRP.

This is genius.

Also there should be a lot more respect for the resident parents who step up even when their hearts are breaking. Money is the most important thing from a practical view, but the lask of respect is what keeps resentment and sadness going. People might think you should "get over it" but how can you get over a situation that's ongoing?

When they decide to ‘waft’ back and discover that the dcs don’t want anything to do with them they direct their anger at the resident parent. They claim that the resident ( usually the woman) has turned the dcs against them.
The truth is that they haven’t bothered with the dcs for years and don’t pay or pay very little CM

i actually just spoke to someone 6 months pregnant who said well their life doesnt change does it its all on us as mothers

i said well its 2024 it shoulnt be like that

this someone with her own business just accepting her partner wont do anything!

For those saying 'women are just as bad'... in the same kind of volumes?? Yes, there is plenty of anecdata as everyone knows one man in this position, maybe two.. But how many women do you also know, going it alone with fuck all input, monetarily or otherwise, from a feckless ex-partner! Far far too many.

Women are not just as bad - we live in a patriarchy which massively serves men to live their lives without any scorn or shame should they walk away from their children! It is the polar opposite for women - even those who agree to the standard contact that's acceptable for men (a night in the week, every other weekend). They are viewed very very differently and certainly not as a 'good mum!'

I am sick of the 'what about the menz' talk which always comes up on any thread where women talk about how society is failing them. Just stop it!

@Runningbird43 i don’t want to not see my child. I just want the workload to be shared. 50/50. Like it was when we procreated.

@Riversideandrelax well, you can if you refuse to care for them. But your view backs up what I’m saying even more.

Given the reality, I think we ought to be warning young people that there's a risk when you have a baby that either you could end up being 100% responsible for it, or that you might not be able to live with it for up to 50% of the time - and not have any say over what happens to it the other 50%.

And only go ahead if you could cope with either of those.

My cousin has just got together with a bloke who has 4 kids by 3 different women. Massive red flag but she won't listen. She has two kids with her ex. What does she see in a man who has merrily sprinkled his oats around the town?! And does nothing for his kids. I just pray she keeps her legs shut.

Look @DustyFire just linked to the evidence on this - 85% of single parent families are headed up by women…..,

I know this is not all men who’ve left their family - but a Lot don’t seem to give a fck about seeing their children.

More isn't done because it's men that are affected if anything is done and it's men that make the rules still. Patriarchy.

It is disgusting.

It used to be a stigma to be a single mum but there was never, and still not enough shaming of these men who just skip off. It's just accepted.

We need passports revoking, driving licences revoking, companies refusing to employ non payers, jail time etc. we need something because at the moment all we have is the CMS which is complete shite.

All they do is send letters. I managed to get the CMS and my ex to court and the CMS sat there and defended my non paying ex.

We had to apply the CMS amount from the court hearing guidance and the CMS were sat there saying well we don't believe he earns more than £40k. I had to show the court he'd taken that in just a dividend. Useless fuckers.

I know nobody wants to choose an arsehole but the ":choice" is so often unconscious.

My parents weren't bad people but I wasn't raised to advocate for myself. I was shamed for having a visibly distressed reaction to selfish/insensitive behaviour, so after decades of detaching from predictable normal reactions to a lack of empathy, I doubted myself when my (now) x gaslighted me into having no reaction to his selfishness and blaming.

I'm ok now. My kids are OK. But it's not like I ever had a line up good suitors and I chose the bad one.

Humans live in a meritocracy now and we need success, status and money but we are also animals. Eating sleeping fucking rinse repat rinse repeat.

Insight comes later in life so often. Light bulb moments come after baby. Women have added pressures that men don't.

Obviously I'm not saying oh go ahead have children with a hopeless man/abusive controlling man, but I'm not shocked it keeps happening.

All I could do was to regularly ask my daughter as she grew up, questions like, do you feel supported will you regret it if you don't go , questions that remind her to tune back into what suits her, how she feels.

My mother never did that, so I set out to be pleasing, to be no trouble, to bend with the wind, to have no reaction to being hurt.

We should be encouraging women to suit themselves. Walk away quicker. Formulate a life plan. Map backwatds.
Have therapy, like an MOT before having a child

His body his choice?

Well Said @Utmilj I totally agree. My ex sees his kids fortnightly and lives with his mum. Everything is done for him. He just does the fun bits . Walks about like dad of the century.