Men still get away with this. Why?

[Utmilj]

Yes I probably sound bitter. Yes I could have chosen a better man to have children with… obviously didn’t think he’d be a deadbeat when we were discussing having a family together. But that accusation about women ‘choosing the right partner’ is a good way to start this post because it’s a very good example of how woman are always to blame and men get away with doing nothing, ignoring their responsibilities.

My situation… met who I thought was a lovely man, decent job, income, stable (or seemed to be). Said all the right things. I was pregnant after a few years and he left me after 7 months. I gave birth alone and funded all our child’s things entirely myself until the cms claim came into effect when ds was 7 months old. It took cms 7 months to chase him for payment. I was lucky, I am from a wealthy family, but why the fuck should women have to wait seven months for payment from a deadbeat? It’s disgusting.

Again I am lucky that he earns well so I have just about enough maintenance for it to be objectively satisfactory and covers nursery costs. For women claiming from men who earn much less, they are pushed into extremely difficult financial situations. Childcare costs all fall on them. Why? Why do we let this happen? It’s appalling. Women are told it’s a ‘lifestyle choice’ to use a nursery if they are a resident parent. No, nursery is a requirement if parents are to work.

And many resident parents are not full resident parents by choice. Lots of men enjoy a fortnightly visit to their child or children. They are quite happy with that. The woman just has to accept it, accept all the responsibility, the financial burden and the time. If they complain, they are such a terrible mother! How can a mother want to complain about doing it all because after all that’s their little baby! But men… men aren’t even faced with that question.

Yes, women could hand their child to social services. They don’t HAVE to parent their child. But again, imagine the outcry. What sort of woman would do that! When many dads have done just that, but they have the insurance policy of the woman who will pick up the slack and protects them from the shame of them personally handing their child over to social care.

Ds’s dad sees him. On his terms. When it suits. When he’s not too busy or he’s had time to relax first. He does what he likes and gets away with it. He focuses of his career. He likes the kudos. All while being a deadbeat.

As I said, I could be bitter (and I probably am a bit) but due to financial protection I have been lucky to not feel the full impact of this behaviour by a man. But this experience has made me realise just how shocking things are for women. Why are they still able to get away with this?

Because we live in a patriarchy. They just try to hide it. Not that much different to eg. Saudi ateotd

I made a post a few days ago, similarly, I'm a single parent trying to borrow a little more on my mortgage so I can move to a better area for my child.
I should be able to afford it easily, but because 100% of the childcare costs are counted against me in the affordability, I fail.
My ex pays very little CMS.
Men get away with it because the men make the rules and they don't really care about women and children all that much.

You know, I put myself first, meaning I didn't want children and I'm fine with it.
Now older, I realised I wasn't ever able to trust any man to have a child with.
Grim, isn't it? 😞

@Mackmacking yes I think this is true. He certainly wasn’t who I thought he was.

Were you married?

@stuck24 that’s absolutely awful. That financial obligation should be split for the purposes of affordability. I hope you manage to get it sorted when they start school. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that. It’s so wrong.

It's true that men as a group don't seem to care about women and children that much. There are studies about household money/aid, and a much higher proportion is spent on meeting the needs of children when it is paid to or controlled by the mother.

It's interesting that in poorer countries one of the best thing you can do to improve outcomes for all children - boys and girls - is to educate girls and keep them in education as long as possible.

Men get away with it because the men make the rules

This 100%
As soon as a woman runs away without the DC she's ostracised by society..

@notanotherrokabag how does marriage have anything to do with a parent’s responsibility for their child?

Oh wait, it’s just another way to try and blame the woman.

Yes I was married to the scumbag.

No, but if women stopped having babies with men without the protection of marriage that would be a start......

What protection does marriage give against a man who doesn’t pay for or see his children on a regular basis?

@IhateSPSS thanks for sharing this. I am only a few years in and feel completely taken the piss out of. Did your son’s dad see him at all growing up? Ds does see my ex every week or so and it’s all fun and games as he has none of the actual responsibility to ensure he’s clean and fed etc

@notanotherrokabag how does being married mean a man sees his children or stops him leaving them?

Newsflash, it doesn’t

Women are stopping having babies altogether and it's becoming a societal issue. Even the Pope is exhorting how "selfish" they are and having children is being reframed in many countries as a national duty.

Has it always been like this? Or is it getting worse?
I don’t remember any of my classmates parents splitting up or getting divorced. Mind you it was ages ago, perhaps the stigma of divorce isn’t what it once was means more couples split rather than carry on.
But there was a time , again ages ago, when a man would be embarrassed to not provide for his family. His friends would tell him to buck up and sort it. His parents definitely would.

Well, divorce was only legalised in my country in the late 1990s, and in practice, even in countries where it was legal, many women were trapped in loveless marriages because they didn't earn enough to leave. And I don't think the 'a man provides for his family' rhetoric generally prevailed through separation and divorce proceedings -- that tended to be the 'she took me for everything I've got, the bitch' narrative.

I honestly believe that state should fund resident parents for the actual costs of raising a child where the non-resident parent won't or cant but be able to extract the equivalent labour of the costs at minimum wage from the NRP. This would encourage men to pay rather than hiding their self-employed income or choosing to become STHP to their new girlfriends kids. You should have to pay for your kids neither the resident parent or the tax-payer should have to pick to up for you.

Easy solution - don't have children.

This a million times over.

Yes, they are shits who walk away with no responsibility and no guilt I can see, no they shouldn't get away with it, but in a hundred lifetimes I wouldn't switch places with my ex.

And I absolutely believe any truly reasonable man will regret it when it's too late.

When these men are old and incapable / lonely, they will find out that their children don’t want to see them or look after them. They’ll be left to die on their own. Unloved and lonely. Everybody reaps the consequences if they actions.

Marriage doesn’t protect our kids from these men, sorry to disappoint pp. My EXH is who knows where, he has CSA taken straight from him and a fee is lost to admin, and he has not seen in his children or contacted me in years. We haven’t moved, I have the same number and email. He’s just…. Gone. I was married, it meant nothing. It upsets me that I have had to not only hold the fort as a lone parent, but pay tax into a system that is then holding me up. My EXH is hiding income and contributing zero outside of CSA mandated contributions. I have to claim Universal credit while he spends his time and money on himself. There is no law against abandoning your children, and there really ought to be.

This is exactly what I tried to convey on a post the other day but you put it so much better . And you are so right..TBH I wasn't that bothered about money but do wish DDs dad actually looked after them more ( or at all) rather than leaving it to me 24/7

@Utmilj his Dad saw him maybe once week until he was 2, I had to go to CSA and he paid 20 quid a week for a bit. Then turned up drugged up and saying he was going to take him to a girl's house...that he met the night before. I walked off with DS1 and said contact centre until you can prove you are off drugs and compos mentis enough to make safe decisions when you have DS in your care, he faffed about threatening to take me to court and moaned for a year and didn't see DS, eventually agreed to see DS in a contact centre then saw him maybe every 3-4 weeks until DS was 12 when DS decided he wasn't going to go as often. Now he seems him approx twice a year. DS isn't impressed with him at all really as he has got into conspiracy theories and told DS he shouldn't go on a big school trip or go to university they work it out for themselves eventually when they notice the lack of every day stuff IME.

Another thread recently referred to a man with three children and three ‘baby mothers’. I detest this term because to me it suggests the men using the women to bear their children and then having the privilege of playing dad whenever and however it suits them. I agree with your views entirely.

My step sons fiancee walked out on him and their three under 5s - refuses to see any of them alone. Its not just men. Some people are born without any sort of empathy for others.