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Original poster

I don’t like my friend’s fiancé - what can I say to her

35 replies

Ncadviceplease · 14/05/2024 14:11

My friend has recently got engaged to a man she’s been with for about a year. Everything moved very quickly and he swept her off her feet.

I do not like him and one of our other friends has quietly told me the same. Her words were ‘he just doesn’t seem like a nice person’. He’s quick to put others down - ie if someone is moving somewhere, it’s awful and he would never want to live there. But he’s really nice to my friend.

I cannot explain why but I feel really worried about him, like he’s going to turn out to be abusive and hurt her and she will be too proud to say.

Is there some sort of way I can let her know that I will always be there to listen and help if she needs without making it clear I don’t like her fiancé?

He really hasn’t done anything wrong but I just have a very strong feeling he’s bad and when our other friend mentioned it (both our husbands agreed) it’s made me more worried and less like it’s just me not thinking anyone is good enough for her.

OP posts:
Candleabra · 14/05/2024 14:13

I don’t think you can say anything, just be there for her and hope she sees it for herself. Men like that like to isolate their partners so that when they realise how horrible they are there is nowhere to turn.

Cathbrownlow · 14/05/2024 14:13

I don't think you can say anything. She wouldn't believe you and it would cause a rift between you. Also try to avoid the inevitable 'I told you/I thought so' further down the line, if I were you.

FakeMiddleton · 14/05/2024 14:14

What they said!^

BingoMarieHeeler · 14/05/2024 14:14

Nothing

StarShipControl · 14/05/2024 14:19

Pp are right. You can't really say what you want to say.
You could say that you're really happy for as long as he genuinely makes her happy and not to ignore any possible issues.
If she asks what you mean, you could say "nothing. Just want you to be happy"

savethatkitty · 14/05/2024 14:23

Unless she specifically asks your opinion you say nothing!

Pinkypinkyplonk · 14/05/2024 14:32

I agree it’s very hard to say anything. But if she ever expresses anything negative, really get her to think. Never give your negative opinion, but really try to make her see for herself if the opportunity ever arises!

Happyassalarry · 14/05/2024 15:03

I had a similar situation: a close friend with a boyfriend I (and other friends) didn't like. Long story short, he turned out to be absolutely horrible, my friend went through a painful divorce. When I told her that I have always disliked her ex-husband l, her reaction was: "Everybody told me that after the divorce, I wish somebody told me that before the wedding!".
Having said that, I'm not sure my friend would have listened to me. I should have told her though.
So if there are real red flags, talk to your friend (if you are really close)

Didimum · 14/05/2024 15:05

Be there for her by being there for her, but do not say anything.

Eggmoobean · 14/05/2024 15:06

Don’t say anything, be there in the wings for later on when she needs you

VenusClapTrap · 14/05/2024 15:09

No. You can’t say anything to her. However, if I was there when he said something rude/unkind like in your example above of him saying a place someone is moving to is awful, then I would not hesitate to call him out - “Wow, Bob, that’s not very nice.” Even just a look can speak volumes. It might give your friend pause.

KreedKafer · 14/05/2024 15:16

I have every sympathy because I have been in this position twice with friends and know exactly what you mean. Interestingly, in both examples I'm thinking of, the relationships had also moved quite fast, and in both examples, other friends also disliked the boyfriends in question. None of us were really able to say anything - both boyfriends seemed very attentive and nice to our friends, but at the same time just seemed to have an attitude that was somehow 'off' or said a couple of things that made us wary.

I have to say that in both cases, the boyfriends turned out to be absolute arseholes. One was outright abusive, physically and emotionally. The other one was a selfish, emotionally unstable baby who had horrendous mood swings, a drink problem and was a compulsive liar who alienated a lot of people around my friend. In both cases, I think the early attentiveness and the fast-moving relationship was definitely the classic 'love-bombing' thing.

I still don't think, though, that any of us could really have said anything at the start when our friends were totally loved up with these men and we had absolutely zero justification for suggesting they might actually be total cunts. Later, when the friends started to reveal a bit more about things these men had done, we all offered every scrap of support and back-up that we could and were very open about how we felt, and we definitely pointed out that things they were describing seemed abusive or unreasonable. I think that's all that can be done, really.

MrsLeonFarrell · 14/05/2024 15:20

Happyassalarry · 14/05/2024 15:03

I had a similar situation: a close friend with a boyfriend I (and other friends) didn't like. Long story short, he turned out to be absolutely horrible, my friend went through a painful divorce. When I told her that I have always disliked her ex-husband l, her reaction was: "Everybody told me that after the divorce, I wish somebody told me that before the wedding!".
Having said that, I'm not sure my friend would have listened to me. I should have told her though.
So if there are real red flags, talk to your friend (if you are really close)

I did tell a friend my concerns. She didn't listen so I didn't press it. The marriage ended in a shitshow but I had stayed friends and so supported her through it.

OP I don't think there is a correct answer in this situation, go with your gut and make sure you keep the communication open in case you are right.

FindThatThing · 14/05/2024 15:21

Happyassalarry · 14/05/2024 15:03

I had a similar situation: a close friend with a boyfriend I (and other friends) didn't like. Long story short, he turned out to be absolutely horrible, my friend went through a painful divorce. When I told her that I have always disliked her ex-husband l, her reaction was: "Everybody told me that after the divorce, I wish somebody told me that before the wedding!".
Having said that, I'm not sure my friend would have listened to me. I should have told her though.
So if there are real red flags, talk to your friend (if you are really close)

This is it pretty much.

Say something before : most likely they won’t believe you, get angry, possibly ruin a friendship.

Say something after : they get angry and blame you for not saying anything. And possibly ruin a friendship.

It sucks all around.

What is your friend like usually?
Is she a pick-me, desperate for a man, in a hurry to get married?
Do you think you could carefully ask around with her about his behaviour/attitude, without accusing him?
Is she rational, specially when it comes to men?

bluetopazlove · 14/05/2024 16:14

Do you really need to let your friend you'll be there for her whatever ? I thought that went without saying ? No you can't really say you don't like him , so what ?Not everyone is going to be your type .You're not psychic .

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 14/05/2024 16:17

Read the gift of fear. Then try and vocalise what is is about him that is ringing alarm bells.

Seas164 · 14/05/2024 16:26

Have been in this position and it's grim, there's no easy answer unfortunately. I lost a friendship of many years, because in the end I did say something, I expressed a few concerns gently, based on what I could see going on after a long time of just being there for her and hoping she would one day wake up, and she must have spoken to him about what I'd said. She came back at me shortly after with a tirade, she was furious, and things I'd supposedly done to her, none of which were true, so I'm guessing that this all came from him. He viewed me as a threat from the start of their relationship, to the point where I'd go and pick her up to take her out to dinner and ten minutes into the evening her phone would ring, she would sheepishly say the name of the venue we were at, and lo and behold he'd walk through the door and pull up a chair at the table and glower at me. Ultimately, there's nothing you can do, it will have to take it's course, I wish you patience, and her strength.

AlexaPlaySomeHappyHardcore · 14/05/2024 16:30

Others have given really good advice already which I agree with: don’t tell her you don’t like him but be present, even if he’s insufferable at times. Don’t let that get in the way of the friendship you have. Be there regardless.

My ex was abusive to me and by the time I left him I was isolated and had barely any friends left. It wasn’t their fault, he was a cunt and I guess they had enough long before I realised I did. As did much of my family. If it wasn’t for some amazing professionals (women’s aid, legal aid solicitor and therapist) I’d still be there now, utterly alone. Or dead.

Hopefully you’re wrong about him and he’s just a negative bugger and nothing more.

LawlessPeasant · 14/05/2024 16:31

Maybe he's fine and you just don't like him. I don't like some of my friends' husbands/partners, and they're not abusive, just not particularly nice, in my opinion.

SnoqualmieRiver · 14/05/2024 16:42

'Hello friend, whilst he hasn't actually done anything wrong, your fiancé is creeping me out and I don't like him as one day in the future, I don't know when, I think he's going to hurt you. It's ok though as I'm here for you!'

That's essentially what you are thinking of saying.

You'll sound like a jealous loon.

Keep your trap shut and give him a chance.

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/05/2024 16:46

All you can do is be there if it all goes tits up.

I spoke up, voiced my concerns about a friends 'friend with designs on her' who was then her fiance, and then her husband....

End result, we didn't speak for 4 and a half years, whilst he abused her, beat her, controlled and manipulated her. In speaking up and him finding out I knew exactly what sort of shithead he was, I just made myself public enemy number 1 and he engineered things so that she wouldn't and then couldn't, speak to me.

First thing she did when she got into her new home having managed to escape him... was to ring me. She'd barely even unpacked.

But she was lucky, and honestly I think I'd have served her better as a friend if I had shut the fuck up and waited for her to come to me, she would have... had that door been open to her.

Cantalever · 14/05/2024 16:58

As she is a good friend, I would say to her frankly, "Look I am happy for you if you are happy, but honestly I cannot take to him. I'll do everything I can to support you though".

gannett · 14/05/2024 17:09

I second the advice to be there just by being there.

Being there for her is just about being a good, non-judgmental, safe friend in general - someone she feels she can turn to if she needs it. That's all you can do.

I have never, ever known someone who's loved-up with a twat to respond to people telling them he's a twat with "gosh, yes, I suddenly realise he's a twat and I will dump him immediately". So I wouldn't advise that. If he does something you feel crosses the line you can quietly say something like "I didn't think that thing X said earlier was very nice" without making it a big deal or intervention attempt.

And unfortunately it may well be that he's a bit of a twat, but he's not a twat or abusive to her, and therefore you just end up having to rub along with him.

SilentSilhouette · 14/05/2024 17:22

It's difficult to just say something, but if she starts talking about him and an opportunity arises then I think I'd consider saying something, or at least making it clear that you're pleased he is nice to her, as you didn't find him particularly kind when you met him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/05/2024 17:38

My friend didn't like my ex fiance and we almost fell out over how she drunkenly told me- she focused on specific incidents as 'evidence' and I got very defensive as I had interpreted them differently because of my rose tinted glasses

I would focus on things that are your onservations and harder to argue with eg

  • you love her and you know she's amazing and deserves the best love
  • you've noticed she seems x y z these days
  • you noticed it's moved very fast and a lot of the time a honeymoon period can last a year
  • ask how he gets on with her family and other friends if he makes an effort etc (to help her see for herself)

Also talk generally about relationships and characters on tv shows that were in emotionally abusive cycles etc. make sure she knows what words like gaslighting and love bombing mean. State that people who truly love the other care if they've upset them.

Reassure her and all your friends that you're a safe space.