My three daughters are jealous of each other

[tulipmother]

Hello - It’s my first time posting so I would really appreciate your advice.

I’ve three lovely adult daughters in their 30s. They are very close, however tensions are growing and I am finding it hard to manage.

Their lives have become very different and this is causing jealousy, and negative comparison.

(Without being too outing):

DD1 is single, she and her young children live with us. She’s had a difficult time and feels her life hasn’t really taken off or that she has much stability beyond our family home.

DD2 has married a lovely man who is very well-off and is able to do whatever she wants, also with young children.

DD3 has an adventurous, somewhat precarious but fun life, has moved cities a few times and has not settled yet.

The issue is that they all seem envious of each other one way or another. Mainly DD1 and DD3 towards my now well-off DD2, but also DD2 misses her old life in our family background (more humble but familiar), and they also are a bit envious of DD3’s independence without children.

I realise that may sound ridiculous all written out, but I don’t know what to do. We’ve always been such a happy family and now they are sniping at each other a bit, but also still call each other etc. It’s maybe part and parcel of being sisters. My DH says just leave them to it, but that’s not really possible when we live with one DD and also I love them all, and these disparities are so obvious sometimes- in what we can all pay for Christmas presents for example. They’re otherwise lovely, conscientious, hard-working, all with nice friends.

AIBU to stay involved?

That might make it sound like DD2 has a perfect life - but actually DD1 in a way has the simplest life, as we all muck in together in our family home and it’s familiar and straightforward, and she has us (happily!) giving childcare, and we love being with our grandchildren / her DC all together in one house. Whereas DD2 is in a very privileged but somewhat high-maintenance social circle which isn’t really her scene and where she feels a bit of an outsider.

What do you mean by "staying involved"?

Surely they are all old enough to understand that their lives are different because they have made different choices. What's the point of sniping at each other about this?

Tbh, I'm inclined to agree with your DH. Maybe point out how ridiculous they're being, tell them to get over themselves and then take a step back and leave them to it?

By ‘stay involved’ I just mean I respond to them in what I hope is a fair way when they raise grievances - and try to mediate a bit. Whereas my DH (devoted father but quite blunt!) just stays out of it. Is there anything else I could do?

I agree with your DH.
They are grown women and have to sort out their own relationships. It's not your problem. If any of them try to coax you into opinions on the other then you tell them you won't be involved.
These are their issues to sort out and any amount of interference from you won't make a difference -it might even make it worse if it appears you are taking sides.

Thank you@Medschoolmum . Yes, I’m trying to help them see that. But I suppose it’s a mixture - they’ve made different choices but also I suppose life just has its own way of turning out. My DD2 didn’t consciously pursue a well-off husband, and my DD1 didn’t want to be single.

I just don’t want more family gatherings to feel a bit tense :(

And as for difference for what they can pay for Christmas presents just set a low limit for a token fun present. I usually find in those situations it's the less well off that have more of an issue than the richer ones who don't care what they get.

Sibling relationships are often complex. Just stay out of it.

Your DH is right. Try to stay as neutral as possible. Keep saying "well I think that's for you and your sister to sort out".

Thank you @ToxicChristmas . I try to stay neutral, but it is hard. It’s not that I over-step exactly or generate discussions myself, at all, but sometimes they can be a bit mean about each other and then I end up saying - oh but your sister’s life isn’t all perfect etc - just to try and diffuse it and encourage empathy. They’re perfectly capable of being thoughtful and empathetic in the rest of their lives! But sibling dynamics can be so different from normal friendships.

You need to leave them all to it, and also tell them how childish they are being. Imaging being jealous of someone who hasn't got kids, why the hell did they have kids then.

But in the nicest possible way, there is nothing you can do to control the tension. This is for your adult daughters to sort out between them. If they want to wallow in petty jealousies, they will. If they want to act like sensible grown-ups, they will find a way of getting over themselves. You can't facilitate this process for them any more than you can change the disparities in their current situations. I get that the squabbling must be incredibly frustrating, but they're grown adults now... you can't fix it for them.

If they're being mean about each other to you, I would change the subject.

My parents do this when my brother and I disagree (we are very different personalities) and have succeeded in having a close loving relationship with both of us.

they’ve made different choices but also I suppose life just has its own way of turning out.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in saying that to each of them; I’d just stress that you also say the same to the others! I have two younger DDs - I usually find that being open and honest about some of these gripes can be the best antiseptic. And - from how you’ve described your set up - each of them has an obvious advantage (family support, money, independence ) and a concomitant disadvantage (less money, a more awkward set up, no partner). But those things are a consequence of the other. I don’t think it hurts to - gently - point that out to them.

That’s a very good point. Sometimes the differences are just obvious even with the best of intentions - e.g. my DD2’s children being a bit unaware and being surprised by the differences between private and state schools. They’re only young and still learning, about class differences, but it still highlights differences. My son-in-law is good with money things.

Keep out of it. Everyone has their own struggles.

Leave them to it. Thats normal sibling behaviour

Call a family meeting- it can be online if needed. Then tell them you are discussing this like adults and clearing the air. If you want one part of someone’s life then you take it all- and so sis 2 would lose her husband in order to have another life? Would sis 1 want to not have her kids but sis 2s in order to swap lives? And would sis 3 give up her holidays and freedom to have money? Or would either sis 1/2 give up their kids to have holidays?

No

Get them to work together to admire the qualities of each other and ask for help in being more like each other rather than resenting. Be aware that if dd1 gets most support that you are also being a fair and supportive grandparent to dd2s children as she might seem like she has it all but be struggling without some support… encourage honesty but ask them to start with saying “I feel” rather than “you are”

eg
”I feel a bit hurt and jealous that dd2 has you at her beck and call living at home” rather than “you’re so spoilt still living at home with mum doing everything”

Good luck

Thank you @Mannyshy . I think I do have some sympathy with this though - you can love your kids and also be a bit envious of the freedom a child-free life gives.

I am in a family like yours, I have issues with my sister, we live very different lives and only get in touch sporadically. I know my DM wants us all to be closer but we are very different. I agree with others, just stay neutral, never pick a side and treat your daughters equally. We will never be a family that holidays together, has Christmas together etc. It's sad for my mother but we maintain a relationship as no one picks sides.

You sound like you compare them constantly. Correct yourself and if you must compare only do so to themselves (eg yes dd2s hair is beautiful so much healthier than last year, yes dd3s new city is grotty but her flat is much nicer than the one before). School yourself to a better way of thinking.

@WimpoleHat thank you so much for your thoughtful response. In the past we’d just have it all out in the open and it would clear out - but I assumed that was more of a teenage argument thing!

Yes, that’s it exactly, with the advantages and disadvantages being linked. I’ve tried gently just to be clear about that with them.

Is that you mum? Joking- my mum couldn’t care less.

This could so easily be me and my sisters though. One sister’s life looked perfect but unfortunately it really wasn’t. It took a tragedy for some sisters to realise but now we hold each other close and embrace our differences.

The more I read, the more I think you should stay out of it. Just don't engage with the "grievances", tell them to sort things out between themselves.

Life isn't fair, and it never has been. We all make our choices and we live with the consequences of those choices, both intended and unintended. Nobody's life is perfect. No good can come out of comparing our own lives with other people's lives. Surely these are all basic truths that you taught your dc while they were growing up. Now they're fully grown adults, it's time for them to apply this learning.

My grown-up dc are very close but recently fell out. It really upset me. Afterwards, they said 'even when we hate each other, we love each other.' They couldn't understand why I'd been upset. I guess they knew, even if I didn't at the time, that it was a minor thing in the scheme of their relationship. You say that your girls are close and still call each other so they still love and care about each other. Rivalry and a bit of envy is inevitable sometimes I think, but that's for them to sort out and probably more of an issue for you than them.

I have 3 daughters. they are 17, 15 and 12 and all very very different so no doubt will have very different adults lives. My advice is stay out of it, getting involved will not help but cause further friction. I know it must be hard to see but they need to come to terms with their own lives and stop assuming the grass is greener

I realise that may sound ridiculous all written out, but I don’t know what to do. We’ve always been such a happy family and now they are sniping at each other a bit, but also still call each other etc. It’s maybe part and parcel of being sisters.
They obviously love each other and want to remain close they will grown out of the sniping this is family life tbh.

It does sound rather like it may be you that is envious of DD2 being well off too though. Perhaps the other daughters don't really care that much but you assume they do because you are projecting your feelings?