My three daughters are jealous of each other

[tulipmother]

Hello - It’s my first time posting so I would really appreciate your advice.

I’ve three lovely adult daughters in their 30s. They are very close, however tensions are growing and I am finding it hard to manage.

Their lives have become very different and this is causing jealousy, and negative comparison.

(Without being too outing):

DD1 is single, she and her young children live with us. She’s had a difficult time and feels her life hasn’t really taken off or that she has much stability beyond our family home.

DD2 has married a lovely man who is very well-off and is able to do whatever she wants, also with young children.

DD3 has an adventurous, somewhat precarious but fun life, has moved cities a few times and has not settled yet.

The issue is that they all seem envious of each other one way or another. Mainly DD1 and DD3 towards my now well-off DD2, but also DD2 misses her old life in our family background (more humble but familiar), and they also are a bit envious of DD3’s independence without children.

I realise that may sound ridiculous all written out, but I don’t know what to do. We’ve always been such a happy family and now they are sniping at each other a bit, but also still call each other etc. It’s maybe part and parcel of being sisters. My DH says just leave them to it, but that’s not really possible when we live with one DD and also I love them all, and these disparities are so obvious sometimes- in what we can all pay for Christmas presents for example. They’re otherwise lovely, conscientious, hard-working, all with nice friends.

AIBU to stay involved?

@Harvestfestivalknickers thank you for sharing your experience. For us though at the moment, the girls still want to see each other - mainly all as a family but also just the three of them - they still call and text. But they still get difficult ! And because DD2 lives further away, we do still have her and her DC to stay while her sisters are here as well, e.g. for Christmas. And I seem to find myself in the middle of it all.

Things can change very quickly. People meet partners, lose partners, go bankrupt, get ill. I'd encourage them to be open minded.

@Spirallingdownwards actually, at the start of her relationship I did feel a little bit of envy - not for now as much as for my younger self. My DH and I didn’t have money, and we worked so hard to set up our family life with the girls. I love my life and wouldn’t have it any other way. I stay in their beautiful house a few weeks a year, and see all the lovely things their DC have, visit the fancy shops etc., but it’s also a bit overwhelming for me! It would have been much easier for me to have had a bit of extra money when I was starting out. Perhaps there is a bit of worrying for my daughters because of that.

Just going to work now but I will reply when I’m home. Thank you very much everyone.

I think what’s really important is what you do. You can’t do anything about them.

Be aware that every time you sympathise with the child you are talking to, or defend the child who isn’t there, you are stoking the disagreement. Feeding the flames.

Manage any direct problems, like gift giving. Set limits.
Manage difficult situations like DCs comparing schools. Jump in quickly with the explanation or with questions so the children don’t have to manage it themselves.

As the child at independent school, kids in state schools could make my life hell with teasing about it. It’s not always clear cut, who has the privilege.

I remember the 30's as an age where there was a lot of comparison with peers and family. Its when people tend to assess whether they have 'ticked all the boxes'.
By the time people got 40 this lessens and at 50 even more so. Its an age thing in my experience so hopefully will pass as your daughters make peace with the lives they have and are grateful for what that brings.

This is very well- intentioned of you, but remarks like this won't encourage empathy. They'll actually fuel the resentment/envy. What your daughters want from you is just validation. They are all adults so it might seem bizarre to read a book aimed at raising little kids but I would highly recommend 'siblings without rivalry'. The approach is just to validate the feeling being shared and not get involved beyond that, never praise one child in front of another etc. So- if for example dd1 says something about dd2's wealth you could just murmur a sympathetic remark about how it's hard for her to struggle financially without a partner but you believe in her and know this is just a difficult moment in her life and things will change in the future etc. And repeat for all the sisters, tailored to their individual struggles. It sounds like you understand them all really well and you're already doing this, so it's just a matter of not adding the extra remarks

Envy and jealously and making comparisons make for a shite life. My parents have never had sympathy with me for having kids....why would they? Why would I be vocal about being jealous of my brother who didn't have kids? I chose to have them, I love them dearly and we smash life together as a family.

I'm the DD2 in this relationship with DD1 living at her parents with her children.

My jealousy (and it is jealousy) comes from the fact we have a nice life and holidays but it's also tricky to manage and balance and juggle everything. I get no free time to "nip out for 5 minutes" because it takes four times longer to do anything when you can't shout out "I'm nipping to the co-op, keep an eye on the kids for three minutes".

The other sticking point is the relationship between GP and GC. Those who live with GC have a better relationship with GP, understandably. But the GP don't help matters when (a) they assume all children are like the ones that live with them and don't treat all the GC as individuals e.g. buying stock presents because "X would like it" whereas "Y" hasn't ever had an interest in Z and (B) when we go and visit GC, the GC are so used to playing second parents to DD1s kids, ours might as well not be there.

That's the thing to be conscious of.

Stay out of it aswell ! I have three daughters too don't have any of this and wouldn't entertain it Tell them it's not. Nice traits to be talking about their sisters and you don't want to hear it. Just shut it down

If the papers pick this thread up, you're going to have bigger problems on your hands.

The issue between dd1 and dd2 will likely from dd2 side be because she sees 1 as getting so much help and I don’t mean cheap housing. It’s that there is always granny and grandad on tap even to pop to the shops alone Dd1 can wave off just leaving her children with you.

DD2 and DD3 jealous of their sister marrying rich when in reality it could all come crashing down tomorrow.

In theory dd1 has the best deal she get to live like the child still at home with on tap childcare. No worries of losing her home or anything as she lives with her mum and dad. She’s not seeing or feeling the stresses I. Life dd2 or 3 have with actually living out of the family home.

I agree with this. You shouldn't argue with your child by trying to say they have no reason to feel like that because the other one also has problems. You should let them have their moan but remain neutral. They just want to have their feelings heard. It doesn't help when a parent is constantly telling you to look on the bright side. It just makes you want to justify your feelings more and probably say something more extreme.

Sort any practical problems related to presents and ensure you treat them all equally and the grandchildren all equally too.

If they are arguing amongst themselves then I think stay out of it or change the subject rather than getting involved

It sounds like a great family though where people can be open about these things. You have obviously done a lot right if they all still want to see you and each other so your instincts are probably right.

Could you do secret Santa at Christmas so present discrepancy less obvious for adults and have a limit for children. Then your richer daughter can help out more discretely

I think you should do exactly what your husband does. Stay out of it. When they start moaning about the other ones, cut it off and say you don't want to be stuck in the middle.

They still call each other so I'd say this is more moaning and venting that real family-splitting toxicity - so it's something they can deal with on their own rather than putting their mum in a difficult position.

I would be inclined to tell them to pull themselves together. You love them equally and it is sad to hear them all taking shots at each other- it gets you down.

It is very easy to look at someone else’s life and think how perfect it is because you only see the ups rather than the downs. In the grand scheme of things, they are all very lucky in their own ways.

This is families with multiple daughters unfortunately. It’s great and they’re really close until adult life takes them on different paths then the jealousy starts. My mum is one of 6 sisters and the endless spats, resentment and NC’ing has almost put my poor grandma in an early grave. I have 2 sisters, and we’ve definitely taken different paths as the years have gone on. We’re still close but one sister in particular seems to be a bit resentful of anything going my way and doesn’t really like it if I’m ‘ahead’ of her with anything. I don’t know what the answer is but sending sympathies

"Made different choices"?

In fairy land perhaps.

Not in the real world.

DD2 has the life of luxury because she married someone rich. That is luck on her part. People don't choose not to be loved. For women, whether you find a partner to settle down with (rich or not) is 99% reliant on your appearance as beauty is valued above all else by men, and what you look like is a genetic lottery.

It is so not on to suggest that the others who are single are so as they made bad choices.

Different choices, not bad choices. Agree there is a big element of luck but ultimately people do prioritise what's important.

The bit about looks is absolute rubbish though. Being better looking in no way affects your chance of a happy marriage. It's personality that decides that (plus the aforementioned luck of course). I know loads of ugly women who are happy and confident in life and loads of good looking women who have not found a life partner - either because of self esteem or because they are hung up on looks or other achievements and reject men for superficial reasons.

I mean any of the daughters could have chosen to go into a well paid profession and make their own money....they obviously didn't prioritise money above all else which is fine but the choice was there, assuming they had access to university education etc.

I think it's natural for you as a mum to try and mediate a bit and dad to stay out of it! That's what always happened in my family. Mums spend our lives trying to keep everyone happy and keep the peace. I think you should gently try and take a step back though and let them sort out their differences. If they come to you with grievances, I think it's ok to say 'I don't want to hear petty gripes about your sister. You're all grown women and can sort out any minor moans on your own' and make it clear that you are saying this to all of them. It's hard to stay out of it but they are adults now and you have to let them sort out their own problems.

My Granny had 4 sons and a strictly neutral policy when it came to commenting or interfering in their lives.
Didn't stop them falling out with each other, but they never fell out with her!

I mean any of the daughters could have chosen to go into a well paid profession and make their own money

Exactly this. Of course we all have choices to make regarding our priorities.

Reading this thread makes me feel better about being an only child

99% down to appearance? What nonsense.

What a sad take on men and how shallow you think they are.

Luck does of course play a factor, but it's what you do with the cards that you've been dealt that make the difference in the end. You can sit in a corner feeling sorry for yourself or you can make the best of what you've got. Your choice.

Similar in my family, BUT just let any outsider say or do anything untoward and they will have the other two to deal with . I wouldn't engage because you will be wrong whatever you say. You have put everything into their upbringing, now it is over to them. Don't try to defend one against the other because they will think you are favouring that daughter. BUT, do acknowledge that they are feeling challenged by life, AND CHANGE THE SUBJECT. You sound a lovely caring Mum and now it is time to let go.