My three daughters are jealous of each other

[tulipmother]

Hello - It’s my first time posting so I would really appreciate your advice.

I’ve three lovely adult daughters in their 30s. They are very close, however tensions are growing and I am finding it hard to manage.

Their lives have become very different and this is causing jealousy, and negative comparison.

(Without being too outing):

DD1 is single, she and her young children live with us. She’s had a difficult time and feels her life hasn’t really taken off or that she has much stability beyond our family home.

DD2 has married a lovely man who is very well-off and is able to do whatever she wants, also with young children.

DD3 has an adventurous, somewhat precarious but fun life, has moved cities a few times and has not settled yet.

The issue is that they all seem envious of each other one way or another. Mainly DD1 and DD3 towards my now well-off DD2, but also DD2 misses her old life in our family background (more humble but familiar), and they also are a bit envious of DD3’s independence without children.

I realise that may sound ridiculous all written out, but I don’t know what to do. We’ve always been such a happy family and now they are sniping at each other a bit, but also still call each other etc. It’s maybe part and parcel of being sisters. My DH says just leave them to it, but that’s not really possible when we live with one DD and also I love them all, and these disparities are so obvious sometimes- in what we can all pay for Christmas presents for example. They’re otherwise lovely, conscientious, hard-working, all with nice friends.

AIBU to stay involved?

I think this situation will get worse, the longer DD1 is living with you. When is she planning to move out? She needs to be living her own life.

Reading between the lines, I'm not surprised if DD2 is resentful.

They are all adults and they all made their own decisions.
They just have to live with their choices

Don’t mediate but also don’t be surprised if you have one daughter living with you it is going to cause jealousy.

Im actually caught in a fight between a sibling and parent at the moment and one has tried to involve me with sharing complaints and greivances for ages. I’ve had enough of it. My sympathy lies with the other one so I do see it’s very difficult to keep out of it in reality !

I have dds and would not put up with this op. I would say you expect them all to join family events as adults, not children, and if they have an issue to discuss it together and not allow it to ruin family events. They are being a terrible example to their children! You are mediating rather than asserting yourself, they are too old to play games like this. I would tell them all to grow up and stop being so childish!

My mum is the exact same - she thinks we should all 'get along'. My sister was/is a total bitch, but my mum says thing like 'But she's your sister!

Just because people share the same parents does NOT mean they have to get along!

OP is exacerbating the situation by having DD1 and DC living in her home.

I'd really like to know if she is paying any board and whether/when she intends to move out

I mean op keeps avoiding pretty much any question about the dd1. Me and someone else have asked how long / when is she planning to get her own place.

yet dd2 is apparently seen as the golden child. Diamond shoes too tight and had an easy ride. While dd1 has has it so hard bless her heart..:

I'm with your dh, just don't get involved. If they try to bring you into a conversation just say 'I'm not passing comment on this subject any longer, you all have different lives with pros and cons for each, I love you all very much. Please stop talking to me about this' ' and keep saying this until they stop

It actually sounds like it’s mainly your dd1 that has the issue and isn’t showing an empathy.

I wonder if they don't want you to say that. Maybe they just want you to listen and sympathise. If they came to you about am unrelated friends would you be trying to defend that friend? They are probably interpreting your mediations as you favouring the other sibling. Just keep out of if and let them figure it out. You don't have to engage with it. Just say "Well You're all adults I'm sure you'll sort it out" and walk away.

I don't get along well with my siblings (we are very different). If we complain to her about each other, my DM tends to make things worse by telling each of us what she thinks we want to hear. We don't speak to each other very often so she gets away with it until we eventually compare notes.

One is rich and one travels, do they care? I doubt it.

I think you need to reread the post you referred to. It was more about the grandchildrens feelings than commenting on your daughters.

Totally agree with your DH. It's not for you to get involved in any way, as they are all adults and ultimately it's all quite minor petty jealousies.

I mean my mother and her sister had a screaming match with each other and they are in their 70s

My mum is the exact same - she thinks we should all 'get along'. My sister was/is a total bitch, but my mum says thing like 'But she's your sister!

Just because people share the same parents does NOT mean they have to get along!

Well yeah, hence why I said straight after that, that I didn't fall for the Guilt-tripping, I'm NC with my sister, and have been for 15 years or so, and no-one can force a relationship between me and anyone else.

And neither can OP, and nor should she try.

I saw a close pair of sisters fall out a lot when one of them lived at home with her children and her parents. Not surprisingly the mother was much closer to the grandchildren who lived with her. It caused a lot of resentment, much of it unspoken and the sisters were not friendly until their mother died. After she died they rediscovered their former closeness.
There was a thread a couple of weeks back where there was a brother and sister and it was the brother who lived at home. There was a lot of resentment from the sister. Most posters agreed with her. What will happen to your house when you and your husband pass. Will your eldest daughter get to stay in your house?
I can understand why there is a resentment that you do more for one daughter and grandchildren than the others.

If they came to you about am unrelated friends would you be trying to defend that friend?

I think you might do if that friend was also someone you knew well and had some insight into her behaviour? I don’t mean “defend” in that way, but if my DD was complaining about X and I knew that X had particular problems or insecurities or whatever, I might say, “Have you considered that X might feel/think A, B or C?”. That sort of thing. I think that, as long as it’s clear that you’re an “honest broker” and will do the same for all of them, it can be helpful to have you put across the other point of view (as neutrally and tactfully as possible!).

'You are adults now. You only have one family and one go at life. You can spend that time being jealous or you can put that aside and build positive and supportive relationships with each other.'

What a load of shit 😂

In 5 years time in 10 years time it will all change. My DD lives with me my sons don't like it if I endlessly talk about my dd & her children. They love their sister but they want their individual relationship with me. Good luck.

@tulipmother speaking from the DD2's point of view here! it is awful trying to visit parents who always have another sibling and her children in the house!!! every convo I tried to have with my mother always ended up with mother (not dear) saying ah but dc 1 can do this and that and has this and that, even though it was (D) M who bought them. I was never enough in my mothers eyes and eventually my dear sis3 was also shoved out the nest. when mother (dear) passed away, the house and everything in it down to the last tin of beans was left to the more deserving daughter, even though dd1 was by now unable to live in it due to it having stairs so it came to my awful neice who had had a chip on her shoulder her whole life about my daughter!! your dd1 needs to get a house on her own so she can move out and at least make it easier for the other daughters to visit. you need to enforce this because, at the moment, you are enabling the dd1's life and that of her children. btw I worked and we didnt have holidays for many years so we could save and have what we do now.