Page 3 | My three daughters are jealous of each other

tulipmother · 2024-05-14T07:31:30+00:00

Hello - It’s my first time posting so I would really appreciate your advice. I’ve three lovely adult daughters in their 30s. They are very close, however tensions are growing and I am finding it hard to manage. Their lives have become very different and this is causing jealousy, and negative comparison. (Without being too outing): DD1 is single, she and her young children live with us. She’s had a difficult time and feels her life hasn’t really taken off or that she has much stability beyond our family home. DD2 has married a lovely man who is very well-off and is able to do whatever she wants, also with young children. DD3 has an adventurous, somewhat precarious but fun life, has moved cities a few times and has not settled yet. The issue is that they all seem envious of each other one way or another. Mainly DD1 and DD3 towards my now well-off DD2, but also DD2 misses her old life in our family background (more humble but familiar), and they also are a bit envious of DD3’s independence without children. I realise that may sound ridiculous all written out, but I don’t know what to do. We’ve always been such a happy family and now they are sniping at each other a bit, but also still call each other etc. It’s maybe part and parcel of being sisters. My DH says just leave them to it, but that’s not really possible when we live with one DD and also I love them all, and these disparities are so obvious sometimes- in what we can all pay for Christmas presents for example. They’re otherwise lovely, conscientious, hard-working, all with nice friends. AIBU to stay involved?

Medschoolmum · 14/05/2024 12:23

pinkmags · 14/05/2024 12:01

I mean any of the daughters could have chosen to go into a well paid profession and make their own money

Exactly this. Of course we all have choices to make regarding our priorities.

Reading this thread makes me feel better about being an only child

Makes me feel better about having an only child!

TammyJones · 14/05/2024 12:23

Your dh is right - leave them to it.
Otherwise you are just fuelling the drama

Mossstitch · 14/05/2024 12:41

Hillcrest2022 · 14/05/2024 09:13

I remember the 30's as an age where there was a lot of comparison with peers and family. Its when people tend to assess whether they have 'ticked all the boxes'.
By the time people got 40 this lessens and at 50 even more so. Its an age thing in my experience so hopefully will pass as your daughters make peace with the lives they have and are grateful for what that brings.

I agree with this, I see it in my three sons. Eldest now 41 and last couple years there has definitely been a calmer atmosphere between them. I agree that you should leave them to it and stay neutral. I'm definitely going to take some of the advice myself and not say anything if one moans about another. I do try to ensure I am fair/equal with presents/money given despite one having a much better paid job. I do think some of it is to do with having three as one always feels left out when growing up, I was warned against this by a friend with three but circumstances weren't right to have the fourth I'd planned.

Maddy70 · 14/05/2024 12:51

Do.not mediate....
They are adults. They are running to.mummy

Just say i wpnt hear bitching about yoyr iblings. If you have an issue speak to them. Your sick of being in the middle

And change the subject

Original poster

tulipmother · 14/05/2024 13:40

AGlinnerOfHope · 14/05/2024 09:13

I think what’s really important is what you do. You can’t do anything about them.

Be aware that every time you sympathise with the child you are talking to, or defend the child who isn’t there, you are stoking the disagreement. Feeding the flames.

Manage any direct problems, like gift giving. Set limits.
Manage difficult situations like DCs comparing schools. Jump in quickly with the explanation or with questions so the children don’t have to manage it themselves.

As the child at independent school, kids in state schools could make my life hell with teasing about it. It’s not always clear cut, who has the privilege.

Thank you @AGlinnerOfHope . Yes, my DGC do all get on buy there are such incredibly obvious differences between them in accent, clothes, school, life experiences. They get on but there have been some comments from.other children in our area - just silly things - bless them the well off ones are absolutely lovely but not exactly street wise. It seems to highlight the disparites between my daughters. My DD1 then feels bad she hasn't been able to give her children anywhere near as much as my DD2 and her DH. Sorry , that's a bit off topic, but it's on my.mind.

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Original poster

tulipmother · 14/05/2024 13:41

Mossstitch · 14/05/2024 12:41

I agree with this, I see it in my three sons. Eldest now 41 and last couple years there has definitely been a calmer atmosphere between them. I agree that you should leave them to it and stay neutral. I'm definitely going to take some of the advice myself and not say anything if one moans about another. I do try to ensure I am fair/equal with presents/money given despite one having a much better paid job. I do think some of it is to do with having three as one always feels left out when growing up, I was warned against this by a friend with three but circumstances weren't right to have the fourth I'd planned.

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Thank you- that's really interesting. There's certainly a lot of soul searching from all of them

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Original poster

tulipmother · 14/05/2024 13:42

Newnamesameoldlurker · 14/05/2024 09:14

This is very well- intentioned of you, but remarks like this won't encourage empathy. They'll actually fuel the resentment/envy. What your daughters want from you is just validation. They are all adults so it might seem bizarre to read a book aimed at raising little kids but I would highly recommend 'siblings without rivalry'. The approach is just to validate the feeling being shared and not get involved beyond that, never praise one child in front of another etc. So- if for example dd1 says something about dd2's wealth you could just murmur a sympathetic remark about how it's hard for her to struggle financially without a partner but you believe in her and know this is just a difficult moment in her life and things will change in the future etc. And repeat for all the sisters, tailored to their individual struggles. It sounds like you understand them all really well and you're already doing this, so it's just a matter of not adding the extra remarks

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Thank you, that's a really nice explanation which makes a lot of sense.

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Original poster

tulipmother · 14/05/2024 13:45

JustMarriedBecca · 14/05/2024 09:16

I'm the DD2 in this relationship with DD1 living at her parents with her children.

My jealousy (and it is jealousy) comes from the fact we have a nice life and holidays but it's also tricky to manage and balance and juggle everything. I get no free time to "nip out for 5 minutes" because it takes four times longer to do anything when you can't shout out "I'm nipping to the co-op, keep an eye on the kids for three minutes".

The other sticking point is the relationship between GP and GC. Those who live with GC have a better relationship with GP, understandably. But the GP don't help matters when (a) they assume all children are like the ones that live with them and don't treat all the GC as individuals e.g. buying stock presents because "X would like it" whereas "Y" hasn't ever had an interest in Z and (B) when we go and visit GC, the GC are so used to playing second parents to DD1s kids, ours might as well not be there.

That's the thing to be conscious of.

Yes , my DD2 lives in such a beautiful area but she misses our distinctly ordinary home and neighbourhood. She wants to recreate our family home more but but her children are basically being raised with all the advantages of her DH's background. But she can't mention this without her sister making some sarcastic comment about diamond shoes pinching ...

OP posts:

Medschoolmum · 14/05/2024 13:52

tulipmother · 14/05/2024 13:40

Thank you @AGlinnerOfHope . Yes, my DGC do all get on buy there are such incredibly obvious differences between them in accent, clothes, school, life experiences. They get on but there have been some comments from.other children in our area - just silly things - bless them the well off ones are absolutely lovely but not exactly street wise. It seems to highlight the disparites between my daughters. My DD1 then feels bad she hasn't been able to give her children anywhere near as much as my DD2 and her DH. Sorry , that's a bit off topic, but it's on my.mind.

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I think you need to reframe things a bit.

Yes, dd2 has married a wealthy man and is able to give her kids lots of material advantages, but dd1 has given her kids the benefits of a close relationship with grandparents and the experience of living in a multigenerational household. It's swings and roundabouts and there is no point in trying to compare. What really matters is a)do all the children have all of their basic needs met? and b)are all of the children growing up in loving households with adults who nurture and care for them? If the answer to both of those questions is yes, then they are all very lucky children and there is nothing to be gained from drawing comparisons between them.

PhuckyNell · 14/05/2024 13:55

Mine just get the face like this 🤨

IamSlave · 14/05/2024 13:56

I'd certainly get them all out for dinner and discuss this.

Thrash it out definitely.

OhmygodDont · 14/05/2024 13:59

Ooof that diamond shoes pinching is a horrible snarky comment to her own sister. The jealousy clearly must be palpable. Dd1 stuck in a woe is me.

How long has she been back home… when does she plan to move out… Maybe when she has her own house to fully support she might not be so bitchy and grow up and realise that rich people have real issues too.

Friendofdennis · 14/05/2024 14:04

They shouldn’t complain about each other to you. That’s really not fair on you. I’m sure it must be upsetting for you Can you explain that you love all of them equally and would prefer it if they didn’t air any grievances about each other to you. if you can’t manage that have a simple answer and try not to get drawn in. They are not being fair to you at all by complaining about each other to you.

Original poster

tulipmother · 14/05/2024 14:14

OhmygodDont · 14/05/2024 13:59

Ooof that diamond shoes pinching is a horrible snarky comment to her own sister. The jealousy clearly must be palpable. Dd1 stuck in a woe is me.

How long has she been back home… when does she plan to move out… Maybe when she has her own house to fully support she might not be so bitchy and grow up and realise that rich people have real issues too.

Ah , yes it's hard because she really has had an awful time of it - whereas DD2 has worked much less hard (she would say herself) and has a far far easier lifestyle now.

OP posts:

Labyrinthian · 14/05/2024 14:18

I have 6 sisters, we are all grown up, youngest in mid 40s. We are still jealous of each other for different reasons, and to different extents. It is just family life to be honest. It doesn't mean we don't love each other. You can be jealous and still love them. My mother has always handled it by refusing to engage when we whine about each other (which is a lot, she shuts it down several times a week) and treating us and grandkids fairly.

OhmygodDont · 14/05/2024 14:19

tulipmother · 14/05/2024 14:14

Ah , yes it's hard because she really has had an awful time of it - whereas DD2 has worked much less hard (she would say herself) and has a far far easier lifestyle now.

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That doesn’t answer any of the questions. Apart from making her look like your golden child…

If your daughter’s been living with you for a year getting back on her feet, working to better the lives of her and her children, getting closer to moving out is one thing.

If she’s been there five years it’s entirely different and she needs to stop being jealous and actually work for her future. Because coasting in mum and dads house while doing nothing to better yourself in your 30’s but being spiteful to your sister isn’t a nice personality trait and a little sad honestly.

Medschoolmum · 14/05/2024 14:21

tulipmother · 14/05/2024 14:14

Ah , yes it's hard because she really has had an awful time of it - whereas DD2 has worked much less hard (she would say herself) and has a far far easier lifestyle now.

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I can't help but get a slight sense that dd2 is somehow the less favoured one of your children, OP? That to some extent, you regard her cushy lifestyle as somehow being unfair and/or undeserved? If this is what you actually feel, then it's hardly surprising that your other kids may be picking up on it.

Why not just be happy for your dd that things have worked out so well for her? Neither your nor your other children are any worse off as a result of her good fortune.

Medschoolmum · 14/05/2024 14:23

Medschoolmum · 14/05/2024 14:21

I can't help but get a slight sense that dd2 is somehow the less favoured one of your children, OP? That to some extent, you regard her cushy lifestyle as somehow being unfair and/or undeserved? If this is what you actually feel, then it's hardly surprising that your other kids may be picking up on it.

Why not just be happy for your dd that things have worked out so well for her? Neither your nor your other children are any worse off as a result of her good fortune.

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I would add, I am saying this because you seem to be justifying a really nasty, bitchy remark from your dd1 by suggesting that she has worked harder than dd2, who therefore doesn't deserve her good fortune. I think that's really unfair to dd2, who bears no responsibility at all for her sister's situation.

OhmygodDont · 14/05/2024 14:28

Medschoolmum · 14/05/2024 14:23

I would add, I am saying this because you seem to be justifying a really nasty, bitchy remark from your dd1 by suggesting that she has worked harder than dd2, who therefore doesn't deserve her good fortune. I think that's really unfair to dd2, who bears no responsibility at all for her sister's situation.

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Imagine the ops response I bet if dd2 dared ever make a remark that dd1 shouldn’t have picked a (whatever insult) as her babies father and instead been smarter.

Sure op would be fuming then as it’s not poor dd1’s fault. Like it’s not dd2’s fault she married well she just fell in love with a man who’s good and rich.

Should be happy one child has a supportive and loving husband who takes care of her daughter and grandchildren.

ciderhouserules · 14/05/2024 14:28

Wow OP - my advice is to stay well out of it! You will just fuel resentment in one or the other if you insist on getting in between.

My mum is the exact same - she thinks we should all 'get along'. My sister was/is a total bitch, but my mum says thing like 'But she's your sister! You've only got one!' which is just piling on some guilt onto me (doesn't work - I've been NC with my sister for 15 years) or she says things like 'she doesn't even remember what she said!' - like that will help (me).

It's infuriating, and guilt-tripping, and it is NOT HER PLACE! My relationship with anyone on this planet is up to me, not my mum. Or you, OP.

I do get it, i have 3 dc who I would love to all get along, and love each other's company etc, but it is nothing to do with me. I just provided the Nurture and the Genes, I can't do more.

travelmadmum23 · 14/05/2024 14:45

My advice is to stay well out of it. Don't entertain any of it and shut it down as soon as it starts.

My hubby and BIL have a relationship like this and hubby is NC as am I after a fall out a few years ago. Alot of that was about his jealousy about our lives (absolutely ridiculous) and his mum unfortunately chose to try and force us to have a relationship with him which made the situation worse. She then started excluding us from Christmas etc in an attempt to back us in to a corner and when that didn't work and we told her so, she started to turn against us as holding a grudge etc.

Now we are practically NC with her! Seriously - don't make any justification for any of them, don't treat them differently or exclude anybody... Otherwise it'll cause permanent damage to your relationship.

Original poster

tulipmother · 14/05/2024 15:28

Medschoolmum · 14/05/2024 14:23

I would add, I am saying this because you seem to be justifying a really nasty, bitchy remark from your dd1 by suggesting that she has worked harder than dd2, who therefore doesn't deserve her good fortune. I think that's really unfair to dd2, who bears no responsibility at all for her sister's situation.

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Oh I don't mean to.come across as biased in that way - I love them all equally. I'm just trying to explain without giving too many details away. DD2 was always seen as the 'golden child' by everyone which doesn't help exactly.

OP posts:

Medschoolmum · 14/05/2024 15:57

tulipmother · 14/05/2024 15:28

Oh I don't mean to.come across as biased in that way - I love them all equally. I'm just trying to explain without giving too many details away. DD2 was always seen as the 'golden child' by everyone which doesn't help exactly.

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OP, I believe that you don't mean it that way and I'm sure that you really do love them all equally. I'm just saying how it comes across to me as a dispassionate observer. You might want to reflect on whether that's how it could be coming across to your kids. Just a suggestion.

Floralnomad · 14/05/2024 16:01

Stay out of it . At Christmas suggest from now that you will do a family secret Santa with an agreed budget for all the adults . Aside from that let them snipe away and sort it out for themselves .

TeaandBissKwitts · 14/05/2024 16:21

OP - I am one of 3 sisters, all now in our 40s. We are all VERY close but equally very different, some have kids, some childfree, some married/single (being deliberately vague here).

We still bicker like when we were little and our parents still try - on occasion - to mediate which has only ever resulted in escalating the bickering into full arguing.

Please just ignore/laugh it off and leave them to it. If they are close, this jealousy stuff is just what siblings do because you all had the same start so you compare yourselves with each other. Silly, but true. Besides, the differences matter less and less as time goes on, and all that's left is the closeness.

Don't make it a bigger thing than it is.