I feel like I have lost all perspective. Can someone tell me if this is as bad as I think it is?
I met now DH while working overseas in a conflict location. We both work internationally in high conflict/humanitarian situations. I had just come out of a very long relationship and was rebounding hard, plus trying to escape some sever parental pressure to marry and settle down (South Asian culture).
We met 3 months before I was meant to depart (summer 2019) for good. It started off for me just as a fling, but he came on really strong (love bombing in hindsight), said he’s never met anyone like me, would relocate for me etc.etc. I agreed to stay in touch (despite some red flags). I went back to London, (autumn 2019) covid hit and I was completely isolated, we ended up keeping each other company on the phone for hours and grew attached. We visited each other as much as possible, including in his home country (EU). His family were (and are) truly lovely. He was very kind and loving in his interactions. I fell in love (despite still having some niggles). Eventually we took a job in the same (third) country to give us a shot (summer 2021). Shortly afterwards he met my parents, got on so well that we married within a year (summer 2022).
Now it gets weird. A few months before the wedding, I found out that he was still together with his ex when we had met. He had sent her back to her home country 6 months before (start of 2019), but was still very much in a long distance relationship with her. He stayed in a relationship with her more than a year after we met (until autumn 2020), before finally breaking up with her. He convinced me that it was because she was delicate and suicidal and he didn’t know how to break the news to her. He was checked out of the relationship and it was just phone calls. I went ahead with the wedding.
A few months later I found out that he had visited her at least once in her home country and slept with her after he met me.
We began having terrible fights where I would lose my shit. I felt so betrayed and certain that he would do the same to me. I was seeking reassurance, but he wasn’t really able to give it to me. He insisted he wanted to make this work, that I was his priority, so I stayed. One day, 2 months after the wedding, he came home and said he’d found a better job in another country and was leaving next week (autumn 2022) and I couldn’t stop him. Eventually (due to peer pressure from his parents etc.) he didn’t go. I spiralled even more into feelings of betrayal and took out my frustration on him. He hated his job and blamed me for keeping him in a job and location he hated.
Months later I found out that he had been having ANOTHER relationship at the same time he met me. 6 months before sending his ex away (summer 2018), he had already rekindled things with another ex, and made plans for her to move to his work location to be with him. She arrived in country shortly after I left and lived with him for at least 6 months (until spring 2020). He claimed he broke up with her as soon as she arrived, saying he had met me, but let her live in his sore room while she found a flat.
A few days after I found this out, I came home to find his stuff gone (autumn 2023). He called me later to say his contract had been terminated and he had known for a year, but had gone out of his way to keep it from me, including adopting a cat together and booking a future holiday to throw any suspicion that he was leaving. We had just got back from visiting all our friends and family. He had secured a job and flat in his home country. He was crying and said he didn’t know how to tell me. I was absolutely devastated and it came out of the blue (other than the fights, we did have some really sweet kind loving times together).
I blocked him and tried to move on. A month later he came back begging for forgiveness, to try counselling (from afar) and that he would move to London when my job ended. My parents convinced me to give him a chance. I found it hard but worked immensely on myself. We visited each other and it was really lovely. The week before departure he told me he’d packed, handed in his keys, sent me flight tickets etc. etc. Finally, on the day he was meant to move back to be with me (April 2024), he didn’t show up. I haven’t reached out to him since.
Now I just feel really disoriented, like I can’t trust anything any more. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know up from down. Or maybe he was right and it was all my fault for constantly feeling hurt and betrayed and taking it out on him. Can anyone explain what the hell has happened to me? Am I responsible for this absolute shit show? The last year has been devastating, with constant cycles of hope and betrayal. Objectively I feel like all of what he did is unforgivable and this could never have worked and I’ve dodged a bullet better late than never, but I’m having doubts and wondering if it’s actually me and all my relationships will go this way? My dad thinks I should take a break from my job and move to his country for a bit to change myself and learn to forgive and make things work. Surely this would be madness right?