Or is this really really unforgivable behaviour?

[Marmadoodle]

I feel like I have lost all perspective. Can someone tell me if this is as bad as I think it is?

I met now DH while working overseas in a conflict location. We both work internationally in high conflict/humanitarian situations. I had just come out of a very long relationship and was rebounding hard, plus trying to escape some sever parental pressure to marry and settle down (South Asian culture).

We met 3 months before I was meant to depart (summer 2019) for good. It started off for me just as a fling, but he came on really strong (love bombing in hindsight), said he’s never met anyone like me, would relocate for me etc.etc. I agreed to stay in touch (despite some red flags). I went back to London, (autumn 2019) covid hit and I was completely isolated, we ended up keeping each other company on the phone for hours and grew attached. We visited each other as much as possible, including in his home country (EU). His family were (and are) truly lovely. He was very kind and loving in his interactions. I fell in love (despite still having some niggles). Eventually we took a job in the same (third) country to give us a shot (summer 2021). Shortly afterwards he met my parents, got on so well that we married within a year (summer 2022).

Now it gets weird. A few months before the wedding, I found out that he was still together with his ex when we had met. He had sent her back to her home country 6 months before (start of 2019), but was still very much in a long distance relationship with her. He stayed in a relationship with her more than a year after we met (until autumn 2020), before finally breaking up with her. He convinced me that it was because she was delicate and suicidal and he didn’t know how to break the news to her. He was checked out of the relationship and it was just phone calls. I went ahead with the wedding.

A few months later I found out that he had visited her at least once in her home country and slept with her after he met me.

We began having terrible fights where I would lose my shit. I felt so betrayed and certain that he would do the same to me. I was seeking reassurance, but he wasn’t really able to give it to me. He insisted he wanted to make this work, that I was his priority, so I stayed. One day, 2 months after the wedding, he came home and said he’d found a better job in another country and was leaving next week (autumn 2022) and I couldn’t stop him. Eventually (due to peer pressure from his parents etc.) he didn’t go. I spiralled even more into feelings of betrayal and took out my frustration on him. He hated his job and blamed me for keeping him in a job and location he hated.

Months later I found out that he had been having ANOTHER relationship at the same time he met me. 6 months before sending his ex away (summer 2018), he had already rekindled things with another ex, and made plans for her to move to his work location to be with him. She arrived in country shortly after I left and lived with him for at least 6 months (until spring 2020). He claimed he broke up with her as soon as she arrived, saying he had met me, but let her live in his sore room while she found a flat.

A few days after I found this out, I came home to find his stuff gone (autumn 2023). He called me later to say his contract had been terminated and he had known for a year, but had gone out of his way to keep it from me, including adopting a cat together and booking a future holiday to throw any suspicion that he was leaving. We had just got back from visiting all our friends and family. He had secured a job and flat in his home country. He was crying and said he didn’t know how to tell me. I was absolutely devastated and it came out of the blue (other than the fights, we did have some really sweet kind loving times together).

I blocked him and tried to move on. A month later he came back begging for forgiveness, to try counselling (from afar) and that he would move to London when my job ended. My parents convinced me to give him a chance. I found it hard but worked immensely on myself. We visited each other and it was really lovely. The week before departure he told me he’d packed, handed in his keys, sent me flight tickets etc. etc. Finally, on the day he was meant to move back to be with me (April 2024), he didn’t show up. I haven’t reached out to him since.

Now I just feel really disoriented, like I can’t trust anything any more. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know up from down. Or maybe he was right and it was all my fault for constantly feeling hurt and betrayed and taking it out on him. Can anyone explain what the hell has happened to me? Am I responsible for this absolute shit show? The last year has been devastating, with constant cycles of hope and betrayal. Objectively I feel like all of what he did is unforgivable and this could never have worked and I’ve dodged a bullet better late than never, but I’m having doubts and wondering if it’s actually me and all my relationships will go this way? My dad thinks I should take a break from my job and move to his country for a bit to change myself and learn to forgive and make things work. Surely this would be madness right?

And would he have let the cheating go if the situation was reversed and you had 3 men on the go? Of course not. I’m sorry @Marmadoodle it sounds like hell but you know what to do.
If you didn’t know his dad abused him it’s just another pathetic lie. Divorce, block, be kind to yourself and do not listen to the shit from your dad.

A P.S to my post above: delete your Mum from the ‘on your side’ list: sorry, missed your post that demonstrated that she cannot be emotionally depended upon.

have been under immense parental pressure to marry and not feel good enough till I do

OP, you are a professional woman, surely you know this attitude belongs in Victorian times? It always makes my heart sink when I see "cultural factors" cited - in other words, gross misogyny.

If your parents are putting your marital status above your happiness, it's time to start distancing yourself from them.

You need to educate yourself about narcissism. There are great videos on YouTube from people like Dr Ramani. You will learn why your ex is like that and why are you were attracted to each other.

Narcs like loyal, kind , loving and trusting people like you ( and me ) because we are easy to exploit. Because that’s all they want you for - then they devalue and discard you and move on to the next one.

Your husband is a very bad person and that’s why everyone here on MN and everyone in your family and friends is telling you to stay away from him. he will never change because he doesn’t want to.

Your father is saying something different - not because your father is kind and nice but because he cares more about public perception that he does about you.

and he cares more about his own judgment of your ex than he does about your own lived experience .

or perhaps he has narcissistic traits himself ?

Or is it his culture, that his opinion as a man must be right and you as a woman must be wrong .

whatever it is, you just ignore your father , divorce you ex and never speak to him again. You need to go cold turkey with narcs if you possibly can.

I was married to a similar man to your husband and he was also charming and leading a double life for the 20 years we were married . In my case, as well as cheating, he stole hundreds of thousands of pounds from the business we ran together and then he screwed me over for more in the divorce .Now I have to watch him playing mind games and trying to control my young adult children 😥

so be very glad that you have no kids with this man. Very VERY glad. I have to watch someone trying to use and manipulate and then destroy my kids and I’m powerless to stop it .

Thats the worst bit - not the 20 years of abuse , betraying and mind fucking I went through . It’s watching him play the same tricks with the people I Love more than anything in the world.

So forgive me for having zero sympathy or understanding for your father who actively WANTS you to put yourself in harms way.

But surely the OP was behaving like that because having been gaslit by her DH she was trying to normalise living with constant betrayal. It was a sign of an insecure relationship and a result of the OP’s self esteem having been gaslit out of existence by her serial cheat DH, and her pressurising father!

OP: not normal or healthy, but that doesn’t make it your fault. It puts you in need of counselling support. IMO .

And apologies for talking about you in third person.

One of the signs of someone who is living with a passive aggressive narcissistic partner is that they seem unreasonably angry . Often the narcissist can seem mild mannered and charming to everyone else .

So your husband has been shagging other women during your entire relationship, and he is blaming you for not forgiving him.

Sounds like an absolute gent. Please, please do not have anything to do with this poor excuse for a human being, other than issue divorce papers.

It’s interesting: I suspect these jobs do attract people who are running from something, parents, their own fear of commitment. You are away from home and family, easy to fall into relationships that look different under a stable microscope.

You are right, this is absolutely true, including for myself. This kind of behaviours is normalised in the bubble I live in because it happens. I need to go back to London when my tour end this year and recover a sense of normalcy.

Absolutely not. He got quite jealous after our first date because he knew I had been seeing someone else too - massive red flag right there.

This sums up quite well what I think I was going through. I needed to make it work for my parents and bachae I thought I loved him, but my actions just seemed to be acting of their own will to sabotage that through constant outbursts.

It would be absolute madness to have anything at all to do with him again.

Your Dad isn’t being “a big softy” he’s reinforcing patriarchal ideas that men can do whatever they like, and that once you’re married you have to put up with it. The last thing you should do is give up your job and move to a different country, losing your independence. You can’t depend on this man.

This man sounds like an absolute pathological liar and charlatan. He will never stop cheating or lying no matter what you do, so cut your losses and leave now.

You need to work on your self esteem (overcoming low self esteem is a good book to start with that), educate yourself about your attachment style (read attached), do the freedom programme online and most importantly avoid ANY form of contact with this man.

Just to clarify my dad’s stance - my parents urged me to forgive the original cheating because the were ‘just girlfriends’ (although he had been with one for 7 years and another for 2.5 years) and I was his wife and he had picked me over them in the end.

He is now convinced that he will eventually come round and be nice to me if I chase him as I am his wife and that’s what men do.

This. For god's sake stop listening to your parents and keep this awful man out of your life.

Sorry to hear this, OP. He sounds like a complete narcissist. If it hasn’t worked out before what makes you think next time will be different? It won’t. He thinks on/off relationships and multiple partners are fine. He is abusing you and it’s time for you to move on.

I think your parents emphasis to make it work comes from your culture (you said they wanted you to marry etc) and I think you need to put yourself and mental health first.

I would go cold turkey and cut this man out of your life for good. I had a similar situation and I actually moved house, changed numbers… he still found me. It was until I met my current DH who called him and told him to stay out of my life or else that he finally left me alone. Life is so much happier now and I wish the same for you.

Couldn’t have put it better myself.

@Marmadoodle

Be very careful in what your next steps are, OP. Put yourself at the very centre of how you see your future, which should not include anything more to do with a lying, cheating, manipulative philanderer who's also capable of doing a flit, with all his belongings whilst you are working.

Can you imagine him doing that if you'd had children with him? How would you explain this to them, particularly any girl children? Especially if you'd given up working to look after them, dependant on him financially, and he'd pulled the rug out from under you?

Thank goodness you have a clear seeing brother and friends to help you see none of this is your fault and to support you. I don't include your mother in this and not, obviously, your father who care more for the optics of how your life is lived in your culture rather than, 100% you, their daughter and your personal happiness and emotional wellbeing.

Step back bit and take on some good professional counselling (someone mentioned psychotherapy) to help you break the pattern which for whatever reason you've got into in the last few years, and also to arm yourself against the pressure to commit to another relationship before you are truly ready. And I'd strongly recommend not living with or even near your parents - it makes you too easy a target when you are often in their circle of influence.

Good luck OP, and strength to you. 🌹

Really wish people would stop using "culture" as an excuse for men to treat women like shit.

Never speak to this cretin again, and tell your dad if he doesn't grab himself by the balls and pull himself into the 21st century he can fuck off as well. More politely, probably, but the essence.

What an absolutely awful man. None of this is your fault. He lied and cheated, which made you insecure, and then used your insecurities to justify his lying?!!! It is 100% his fault. He has been lying to you from the moment you met him by presenting himself as single when he clearly wasn't. His behaviour is the issue here. Have nothing more to do with him and get yourself some counselling to help process what you've been through. I know it's especially hard when your culture places such importance on women being married, but I promise you are better off alone than with this man.

Its hardly ott to feel in a total spin when you find your DH has been lying throughout your whole relationship. He then moved to a different country one day without any warning at all.. I think most people would be freaking out every time he didnt show up after that.

Obviously shouting screaming and crying at him for hours because he's late doesn't make for a good relationship. And OP probably needs some help to get over whats happened before starting anything new.

Either way, this marriage is never going to work out. Leave and stay clear of him.

Look up the DARVO tactic, that's what he is doing to you. It's not uncommon for abuse victims to sometimes snap and lash out in response, it's called reactive abuse and is a perfectly natural response, not something to blame yourself over. Nor should you blame yourself for falling for his bs in the first place. You mention online swindlers - I've been lucky enough not to encounter anything similar myself, but all fraud experts keep stressing how extremely convincing many scamsters can be, how good at social engineering techniques and drawing in their victims so that even the most rational and skeptical of people find them plausible in the moment. Sounds like a lot of this applies to your ex.

Said if I had just let the cheating go he would have stayed

Yes I’m sure he would. But why the fuck would you let years of cheating on you with multiple women, before and after your wedding, go? You’d have to be insane, or at least the biggest doormat the world has ever seen.

Ignore your dad, listen to your mum. Your Ex has been very clear that if you go back to him he’ll expect to be able to continue cheating on you with multiple women and will leave you again if you complain about it. That isn’t a marriage.

it gives him flashbacks of his dad verbally abusing him (I didn’t know this until now

You don’t know this now because you can’t believe a word he says. If he is remembering anything his dad said to him in anger maybe it wasn’t abuse; maybe his dad had needed to be severe in an effort to stop him being a deceitful shit.

I hope you can find a way to make your parents understand that continuing a relationship with him is a terrible idea but if you can’t then please don’t be swayed into trying to make it work. Every minute more that you give him thought is a waste. And you sound like a woman who has a lot of great things ahead

How is your dad soft hearted??! He says to you repeatedly- fuck you, Daughter. Fuck your self esteem, you don’t deserve self esteem. You don’t deserve a decent man, you bring it all on yourself. It’s all your fault that you aren’t kind and supportive enough when he sleeps around, you aren’t attractive enough to expect faithful, you haven’t been forgiving enough to win him back. Fuck you.

that’s what your dad says to you. Fuck him, fuck the asshole who is finally gone and You. Do. Not. Want. That dumpster fire of a man back. Go be free, be happy.

RUN! Very far and very fast from this man!! Your parents don't seem to care about what is best for you just that you are 'married' which is appalling behaviour too.