Or is this really really unforgivable behaviour?

[Marmadoodle]

I feel like I have lost all perspective. Can someone tell me if this is as bad as I think it is?

I met now DH while working overseas in a conflict location. We both work internationally in high conflict/humanitarian situations. I had just come out of a very long relationship and was rebounding hard, plus trying to escape some sever parental pressure to marry and settle down (South Asian culture).

We met 3 months before I was meant to depart (summer 2019) for good. It started off for me just as a fling, but he came on really strong (love bombing in hindsight), said he’s never met anyone like me, would relocate for me etc.etc. I agreed to stay in touch (despite some red flags). I went back to London, (autumn 2019) covid hit and I was completely isolated, we ended up keeping each other company on the phone for hours and grew attached. We visited each other as much as possible, including in his home country (EU). His family were (and are) truly lovely. He was very kind and loving in his interactions. I fell in love (despite still having some niggles). Eventually we took a job in the same (third) country to give us a shot (summer 2021). Shortly afterwards he met my parents, got on so well that we married within a year (summer 2022).

Now it gets weird. A few months before the wedding, I found out that he was still together with his ex when we had met. He had sent her back to her home country 6 months before (start of 2019), but was still very much in a long distance relationship with her. He stayed in a relationship with her more than a year after we met (until autumn 2020), before finally breaking up with her. He convinced me that it was because she was delicate and suicidal and he didn’t know how to break the news to her. He was checked out of the relationship and it was just phone calls. I went ahead with the wedding.

A few months later I found out that he had visited her at least once in her home country and slept with her after he met me.

We began having terrible fights where I would lose my shit. I felt so betrayed and certain that he would do the same to me. I was seeking reassurance, but he wasn’t really able to give it to me. He insisted he wanted to make this work, that I was his priority, so I stayed. One day, 2 months after the wedding, he came home and said he’d found a better job in another country and was leaving next week (autumn 2022) and I couldn’t stop him. Eventually (due to peer pressure from his parents etc.) he didn’t go. I spiralled even more into feelings of betrayal and took out my frustration on him. He hated his job and blamed me for keeping him in a job and location he hated.

Months later I found out that he had been having ANOTHER relationship at the same time he met me. 6 months before sending his ex away (summer 2018), he had already rekindled things with another ex, and made plans for her to move to his work location to be with him. She arrived in country shortly after I left and lived with him for at least 6 months (until spring 2020). He claimed he broke up with her as soon as she arrived, saying he had met me, but let her live in his sore room while she found a flat.

A few days after I found this out, I came home to find his stuff gone (autumn 2023). He called me later to say his contract had been terminated and he had known for a year, but had gone out of his way to keep it from me, including adopting a cat together and booking a future holiday to throw any suspicion that he was leaving. We had just got back from visiting all our friends and family. He had secured a job and flat in his home country. He was crying and said he didn’t know how to tell me. I was absolutely devastated and it came out of the blue (other than the fights, we did have some really sweet kind loving times together).

I blocked him and tried to move on. A month later he came back begging for forgiveness, to try counselling (from afar) and that he would move to London when my job ended. My parents convinced me to give him a chance. I found it hard but worked immensely on myself. We visited each other and it was really lovely. The week before departure he told me he’d packed, handed in his keys, sent me flight tickets etc. etc. Finally, on the day he was meant to move back to be with me (April 2024), he didn’t show up. I haven’t reached out to him since.

Now I just feel really disoriented, like I can’t trust anything any more. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know up from down. Or maybe he was right and it was all my fault for constantly feeling hurt and betrayed and taking it out on him. Can anyone explain what the hell has happened to me? Am I responsible for this absolute shit show? The last year has been devastating, with constant cycles of hope and betrayal. Objectively I feel like all of what he did is unforgivable and this could never have worked and I’ve dodged a bullet better late than never, but I’m having doubts and wondering if it’s actually me and all my relationships will go this way? My dad thinks I should take a break from my job and move to his country for a bit to change myself and learn to forgive and make things work. Surely this would be madness right?

He sounds like a unpleasant man who you're better off without, but what exactly did "losing your shit" and "taking your frustration out on him" look like, day to day?

The disorientation comes from the fact that he was so loving and kind and delightful the whole relationship, while at the same time living essentially a double life behind my back. For the whole 4 years.

I'm now really worried that I just attract these types. Coming across someone like this is so rare, I wonder if it’s me? It reminds me of tinder swindler type scams, when the victim sort of brings it on themselves for being a bit naive.

I’ve had a string of failed relationships, have been under immense parental pressure to marry and not feel good enough till I do, and deep down am a bit desperate to be loved.

I feel like all of what he did is unforgivable and this could never have worked and I’ve dodged a bullet better late than never

Yes - you are correct. Trust this.

Also I'm glad to hear there are others in your life who can see how horrible your DH has been. Listen to them, too.

Onwards and upwards, OP. 💖

Every time he did something that reminded me of the betrayal (e.g. show up very late to an appointment without a heads up) I would basically descend into uncontrollable fear and hurt and just shout and cry and ask for hours why he had had multiple relationships when he said he just wanted me.

I’m sending you a ((hug)) as it sounds like you need one.

He blames all the hiding and lying on me though. That I was so upset with him he was too scared to tell me

Of course he is blaming you, because he's a liar who doesn't want to look bad. You understand that, I think.

It doesn't make any sense, because it's not true.

You didn't make him a dishonest twat.

The logic doesn't even work "if you were ok with me being dishonest, then I wouldn't be dishonest "? How does that make sense?

You had niggles throughout and this is why. You need to have each other's backs in any relationship.

I'll bet your Dad has had affairs so is defending himself rather than your DH.

Absolutely NONE of this is your fucking fault!

That's a classic response from the Cheaters Handbook.

The only error you've made is not getting out when you first discovered his cheating.

Ignore your Dad, he's looking out for himself.

You need counselling to help you discover your own mind and lead you back to reality. Your H is literally a textbook dishonest scumbag, a manipulative and narcissistic pig - but because of your upbringing you seem conditioned to find a way to ‘be better’ and submit to him to improve his behaviour. He’s disgusting and was always a lie and a cheat. Get divorced, get counselling, be independent for a good year with no getting into a relationship. Be yourself and set boundaries and find out what you want in life without a man dictating the terms.

Don't do their victim blaming schtick for them! These men are predators and know exactly who to look for.

This man sounds like an absolute loon. I'm appalled that your dad thinks this is a relationship you deserve.

He doesn't sound like I someone I'd want to be with. And I certainly won't tell you have you have any duty to forgive him.

But your choices are to forgive them and move on (cautiously) or leave. I'm sure you can imagine the reaction if you said your husband remained after an affair but he spent hours screaming at you for every mistake as a result.

A month later he came back begging for forgiveness, to try counselling (from afar) and that he would move to London when my job ended. My parents convinced me to give him a chance. I found it hard but worked immensely on myself.
Why the hell were you working on yourself when it was all him?? What made you think you had any control in this relationship?

My dad thinks I should take a break from my job and move to his country for a bit to change myself and learn to forgive and make things work.
And there we have it. Your dad has probably trained you from childhood that everything will always be your fault because you never try hard enough, or long enough, or in the right way. You are nothing without a man to give you value, that your opinions are worthless and your feelings are not considered. You now have no boundaries due to that upbringing.

OP - it's not you. Consider doing the Freedom Programme so you can put decent boundaries in place, then consider counselling with someone who understands long term emotional abuse. You will never be free from abusive and manipulative men until you learn to say no, this doesn't work for me, especially to your father.

None of this was your fault. It was a set up from the very beginning and one that I think many, many people in your shoes would have fallen for. Being loving, charming, kind and nice at times isn’t the real him, it’s part of the con. That is how he gets you (and all the other women he’s been stringing along at the same time) to fall for it. It’s not your fault.

You have just been one of many pawns in a disturbed person’s weird game.
you are only second guessing yourself because he was such a successful manipulator. Ignore your dad, get some therapy to rebuild your self esteem after this man has destroyed it. It is not your fault.

I have experience (on a smaller scale than you, partner living double life abroad) and i Know how this can absolutely fuck with your mind. It takes a lot of time, therapy, and being VERY kind to yourself to get over it.

good luck op. You sound like you are lovely and very hard on yourself and i Wish you all the best.

Absolutely unforgivable. All of it. You have been too forgiving. Not, as your husband says, not forgiving enough.

ignore your dad and divorce ASAP. And get Counselling.

No he hasn’t. And he really does think he has my best interests at heart. It’s my mother who has always been a cruel manipulator (albeit with my dad as an enabler).

Yes I do realise this now, hence the self blame. But at the time I just felt periodically overcome by blind uncontrollable rage, I couldn’t help myself or self soothe.

He's a lying, fraud of a man.

Get far away from him.

Thank God there are no children involved.

What I find equally unforgiveable is your Dad's attitude. Breathtaking.

You know OP you were completely within your rights to be angry with him every time he betrayed you massively.

Do not pick up on that one comment and blame yourself for what he did. What he chose to do.

It’s not you. He did this to two other women that you know of. I wish the three of you could get together and talk- it might help you realize this is NOT your doing. At all.
i am wishing you healing, and I hope that mess of a man never gets in touch to bring his push-pull behavior, his chaos-seeking, back in to mess up your life again.

you can, and will, be happier without him.

OP, the way you overcome this is working on yourself so you can break unhealthy patterns - that is absolutely not me saying this situation is your fault, but when people live in abusive and unhealthy situations it makes it much more normal to them, and more likely they'll tolerate the same in the future because they think that's what relationships are like.

I'd strongly suggest you find counselling for yourself to unpick what's going on for you that means you weren't able to see these red flags at the time, and unpick the gaslighting and damage he's done to convince you this was ok.

Free yourself of this 'man' and concentrate on fixing yourself. You would be absolutely mad to go anywhere near him again. Why would you willingly walk down a path that will lead you to a lifetime of misery and despair? You would be sacrificing yourself and for what? Your parents happiness?
One short life on this crazy earth, do not waste it. Everything you have achieved, reduced to rubble because of a man.

Anger for the affairs? Absolutely. Let this shitstain have it with both barrels.

But hours of screaming for being late to an appointment? You mean well, but you're doing OP no favours whatsoever in her future attempts at a healthy relationship with a good man by normalising that.

Absolutely this.
Why should you forgive and accept a liar and a cheat? He won't change.

Yes, but constantly late, no explanation. It just reinforced the feeling of him not caring that much about me.

But I do have a tendency to get very anxious in relationships if I feel the other is withdrawing from me.

Oh love.

It isn’t you.

He is in the perfect job for a commitment-phobe: transient, move quickly, be seen to be doing good and important work…

It isn’t you, but your self blame is I think, down to constantly to please your parents, and the way you saw through the red flags to please your parents. You have had a miserable and traumatised few years, you are being blamed by him, and your Dad is letting you know (through the disguise of kindness and forgiveness) that divorcing won’t please him.

Where does that leave you? Blamkng yourself, or at least questioning yourself.

Luckily you have your brother, friend, Mum and Mumsnet in your side.

You did NOT cause this man to lie, cheat, betray, abandon.

It’s interesting: I suspect these jobs do attract people who are running from something, parents, their own fear of commitment. You are away from home and family, easy to fall into relationships that look different under a stable microscope.

Your Dad’s advice did not serve well after you went back the first time. He doesn’t get to take risks with your life, and he should be raging at this man for the treatment of his little girl!!

You are a highly educated professional, you have a good friend and a supportive brother and Mum. Get some counselling / therapy to address your self-blame, and claim your future life and successes for yourself!