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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Life feels unfair as a single parent

94 replies

stuck24 · 14/05/2024 02:59

I know I AIBU and it's just the way it works but I'm just so fed up of life.

I have a mortgage and I desperately want to move house.

I'm a single parent, with a child in nursery.

The mortgage I got before baby. I'm in a professional job (think teacher etc.), but I haven't been in the job too many years so still a fair way to progress up the pay scale. But my salary has increase by almost £10,000 since I got my mortgage 2 years ago.

I get topped up a little with UC and most of my childcare costs are covered which is a godsend.

As I said I am desperate to move, my house is in not the best area, but it was all I could afford at the time I bought and I thought I was better to get on the ladder and move as my pay went up etc.

I've had issues with my car being keyed, and with neighbours a few doors up who have the police out constantly. There was a rental property with a cannabis grow in it slightly further down. In short I don't feel safe here on my own with a baby.

To get to a slightly better area I am not needing to borrow a huge amount more. 30-40k would help massively and I could get a small 2 bed fixer-upper in a better area.

After having a chat with several mortgage advisors it looks like it's going to be very difficult for me to move due to the childcare costs significantly affecting my affordability.

If it weren't for these, I'd be able to borrow more than enough to move to where I need to, it's just these that are holding me back and actually make my affordability less than when I took out my current mortgage.

The lender I'm with accepts UC as income but for some reason it just doesn't cancel it out.

It looks like I am stuck here, meanwhile my ex wouldn't be facing the same issue if he were trying to get a mortgage as he has no childcare costs because of course he only sees his child on weekends...

I just feel disproportionately affected as a woman... again... it's mostly us that are single parents and do main childcare responsibilities isn't it?

Incase it's relevant I'm not talking huge amounts of money either as I live in the North and in a cheaper area. There is a decent amount of equity in my house too.

OP posts:
ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 14/05/2024 04:29

Do you have anyone who would be willing to guarantee a mortgage for you. I had similar issues and my parents guaranteed mine.

But yes on a wider issue worn get screwed In many cases this being one of them.

MoominPyjamas · 14/05/2024 06:23

I think it's really unfair.
I'm in a similar sort of role and the amount they will lend me is £158,000. That will buy me roughly a garage in my area. If I take the children off my application they will lend me £240,000.

Truetoself · 14/05/2024 06:26

Why don't you work out a childcare arrangement that works better for you financially? All costs related to the child should be split.......

Truetoself · 14/05/2024 06:27

Also you can ask to swap right? So that he has DC during the week and you see them at the weekend like what he does?

Not what you want but there is a choice in most things ......

WatermelonLou · 14/05/2024 06:41

Yep, understand this majorly. I'm a single parent but even though I have young children I had to give up my career to look after my father. It has left me in a vulnerable state financially and being on my own, compounded with COL it's very tough. I used to have my own mortgage, afford holidays etc. now it's a stark contrast. My parents have offered to buy a house in a far better area but it's proving difficult as they'd be subject to second home tax, and landlord responsibilities. The market and mortgage rates are rotten. If I was working still the childcare would be through the roof as the children's dad only takes them weekends. I'm in social housing up north like you, it's unreal what goes on. However it allows me to care for my dad and be here for children. I graduated not that long ago and haven't been able to use it either. Essentially it's rank rotten being a women and trying to provide for the kids in every sense because our child caring responsibilities penalise us in many many ways. Hope it works out for your OP just wanted to give you what it's like the other side... Could you rent your place out short term and stay with parents to accumulate more capital, maybe purchase outright? Just a thought

jeaux90 · 14/05/2024 06:47

Yes it absolutely sucks. Lone parent for 15 years. It is slightly easier financially when they go to primary.

Passthepickle · 14/05/2024 06:49

Have you used a broker to check the wider market place? It is rubbish and yes invariably women who get the tough choices.

Original poster
stuck24 · 14/05/2024 06:56

Sorry to others who've been through the same.

I know I'm lucky to have a house and mortgage at all, it's just tough knowing I can't leave here.

I don't have family that can help unfortunately, they aren't well off financially or interested in helping with childcare either.

I've seen about people lying re childcare costs but I'm an honest person, I don't think I could.

Ex wouldn't have our child during the week, he doesn't even have her regularly on the weekends he's supposed to, and myself or a court can't force him as I understand it.

I've spoke to 3 brokers so far, all say the same. Issue is I think I need to stay with the same lender I've got currently and port my mortgage then add to it, so if they say no it sounds like I'm stuck.

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 14/05/2024 06:57

@Truetoself you assume that the ex wants more time. Sadly a really high percentage of mostly fathers simply don't want even 50/50 let alone 26/30 days a month. You say she has a choice - how could you possibly know that? And the idea that childcare costs should be shared? I mean, I don't disagree but whenever that's discussed on here the complications arise: what if you disagree on the provider? would nurseries accept two different payments? what if one party uses grandparents on their half against the wishes of the other? I am also a SP with the vast majority of care. Ex pays CMS but not a penny more and it doesn't come close to 50% of the costs.

Original poster
stuck24 · 14/05/2024 06:58

Truetoself · 14/05/2024 06:26

Why don't you work out a childcare arrangement that works better for you financially? All costs related to the child should be split.......

He pays maintenance through CMS, the bare minimum. It's actually less than he should pay really as he's self employed. He won't pay more or split childcare costs by half.

OP posts:
StarsBeneathMyFeet · 14/05/2024 07:16

Do you get maintenance? I had to get a mortgage as a single parent at last year and some would take maintenance into account (not all).
It is really tough. It gets easier when the childcare costs go down but I appreciate you’re stuck in the mean time which must be frustrating.

CountSeb · 14/05/2024 08:30

Have you tried London & Country as a broker? They were recommended to me as they can look across all providers and know who takes maintenance and UC into account for income

Hankunamatata · 14/05/2024 08:32

Have you spoken to the mortgage provider you are with directly?

Hereyoume · 14/05/2024 08:40

You didn't have to have children.

You made a choice which came with significant costs. It isn't unfair. You made the choice.

Original poster
stuck24 · 14/05/2024 08:51

CountSeb · 14/05/2024 08:30

Have you tried London & Country as a broker? They were recommended to me as they can look across all providers and know who takes maintenance and UC into account for income

I haven't but I'll have a look at them,

If anyone else in a similar situation has any other recommendations I'd appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
stuck24 · 14/05/2024 08:55

Hankunamatata · 14/05/2024 08:32

Have you spoken to the mortgage provider you are with directly?

I haven't but one of the mortgage brokers I've spoken with has forwarded me emails from an advisor at the bank that says the same.

OP posts:
MoominPyjamas · 14/05/2024 09:00

@Hereyoume regardless of children, it's still really bloody hard to get a mortgage as a single person.
On a side note, what do posting comments like that give you personally? You must have a lot of time on your hands

Original poster
stuck24 · 14/05/2024 09:01

Hereyoume · 14/05/2024 08:40

You didn't have to have children.

You made a choice which came with significant costs. It isn't unfair. You made the choice.

Well, you don't know the ins and outs of my previous relationship or personal situation.

The point of my post is women like me seem to be more penalised than men, the caring responsibility falls to women. Isn't it something like 86% of single parents are women?

I have a decentish job, I should be able to house myself and my child to an okay standard.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 14/05/2024 09:04

Hereyoume · 14/05/2024 08:40

You didn't have to have children.

You made a choice which came with significant costs. It isn't unfair. You made the choice.

The OP may have made the decision to have children whilst married as many lone parents do.

It's not her fault her ex is a deadbeat.

BingoMarieHeeler · 14/05/2024 09:09

Another vote for L&C from me OP, they’re so helpful.

But no YANBU at all. What a stressful shituation.

Viviennemary · 14/05/2024 09:09

stuck24 · 14/05/2024 06:56

Sorry to others who've been through the same.

I know I'm lucky to have a house and mortgage at all, it's just tough knowing I can't leave here.

I don't have family that can help unfortunately, they aren't well off financially or interested in helping with childcare either.

I've seen about people lying re childcare costs but I'm an honest person, I don't think I could.

Ex wouldn't have our child during the week, he doesn't even have her regularly on the weekends he's supposed to, and myself or a court can't force him as I understand it.

I've spoke to 3 brokers so far, all say the same. Issue is I think I need to stay with the same lender I've got currently and port my mortgage then add to it, so if they say no it sounds like I'm stuck.

Why can't he make a contribution to childcare costs. But perhaps that doesn't make a difference to the amount the B.S. lends. But a lot of couples on low wages can't even get on the housing ladder at all. I know that's no consolation to you. It's the cost of housing as compared to salaries and the deposit required that's the problem.

Original poster
stuck24 · 14/05/2024 09:11

BingoMarieHeeler · 14/05/2024 09:09

Another vote for L&C from me OP, they’re so helpful.

But no YANBU at all. What a stressful shituation.

Amazing- thank you! I'm going to get onto them this morning.

OP posts:
aCatCalledFawkes · 14/05/2024 09:13

It sucks at the start and it feels like an uphill marathon. I've been doing this for 11yrs now.

A few things though. Yes your ex will be affected as they will take into consideration his child maintenance payments to you if he does apply for a mortgage.

Childcare doesn't go on forever, my kids are 13&17yrs old and I've been shot of expensive childcare since COVID. I'm now in a position where the kids are more self sufficient and I can concentrate on my career, I stopped qualifying for tax credits three years ago with another step up. We now take much nicer holidays. I would potentially like to buy another house but moving costs are so expensive I have concentrated on doing up my house and making the most of it. It's unfortunate that you are in the most expensive part of bringing up children, and this also happens with married couples but it will get better and it's more like "when" you move if not now.

MovingToPlan · 14/05/2024 09:16

I used L&C for our offer, we didn't have a lot of options with our set of circumstances but we did get the amount we needed, and the lender took into account child maintenance and child benefit as household income. Don't give up all hope yet, there may be a solution.

Candleabra · 14/05/2024 09:17

Hereyoume · 14/05/2024 08:40

You didn't have to have children.

You made a choice which came with significant costs. It isn't unfair. You made the choice.

Presumably if the OP made a choice to have children, it was made with another adult who would share the responsibility.

It’s very tough, and absolutely not fair that someone gets to walk away and pay a pittance towards the upkeep of their own child. I honestly think that a lot of men really hate women. He probably begrudges you every penny and thinks you spend it on having your nails done or something.

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