Life feels unfair as a single parent

[stuck24]

I know I AIBU and it's just the way it works but I'm just so fed up of life.

I have a mortgage and I desperately want to move house.

I'm a single parent, with a child in nursery.

The mortgage I got before baby. I'm in a professional job (think teacher etc.), but I haven't been in the job too many years so still a fair way to progress up the pay scale. But my salary has increase by almost £10,000 since I got my mortgage 2 years ago.

I get topped up a little with UC and most of my childcare costs are covered which is a godsend.

As I said I am desperate to move, my house is in not the best area, but it was all I could afford at the time I bought and I thought I was better to get on the ladder and move as my pay went up etc.

I've had issues with my car being keyed, and with neighbours a few doors up who have the police out constantly. There was a rental property with a cannabis grow in it slightly further down. In short I don't feel safe here on my own with a baby.

To get to a slightly better area I am not needing to borrow a huge amount more. 30-40k would help massively and I could get a small 2 bed fixer-upper in a better area.

After having a chat with several mortgage advisors it looks like it's going to be very difficult for me to move due to the childcare costs significantly affecting my affordability.

If it weren't for these, I'd be able to borrow more than enough to move to where I need to, it's just these that are holding me back and actually make my affordability less than when I took out my current mortgage.

The lender I'm with accepts UC as income but for some reason it just doesn't cancel it out.

It looks like I am stuck here, meanwhile my ex wouldn't be facing the same issue if he were trying to get a mortgage as he has no childcare costs because of course he only sees his child on weekends...

I just feel disproportionately affected as a woman... again... it's mostly us that are single parents and do main childcare responsibilities isn't it?

Incase it's relevant I'm not talking huge amounts of money either as I live in the North and in a cheaper area. There is a decent amount of equity in my house too.

I think most of these men pretend they will be good partners and great dads when they are begging us for children and acting like good guys. She's clearly an intelligent woman, so am I, doesn't mean we didn't get tricked.

As a pp has said, it's tempting to blame the women for picking the bad men so you can convince yourself nothing like this will happen to you....

Another lone parent here and that sounds dire. Does the situation change when the free hours come in? If not, keep your head down and wait until primary school. It really isn't forever and it sounds like you will have more pay rises by then. Good luck OP.

Have you contacted the CMS and requested a “variation order”? If someone is self employed, their dividend payments sit there are “unearned income” and are not taking into account unless you request the variation. Stupid I know but definitely worth a few minutes of your time.

@5128gap @stuck24

🙄 I’m actually single and childfree. Precisely because I don’t think there are any men out there that are good enough for me to procreate with. I have specific standards and expectations that I don’t wish to compromise on. I don’t want to be left holding the baby. I don’t want to be struggling financially because the feckless twat won’t pay anything. My post wasn’t aimed at anyone person in particular but if you’ve taken offence perhaps think about why that is.

And actually, I’M sick of this ‘oh don’t blame the wimin’ crap that gets peddled out everytime someone dares to challenge why so many settle for absolute dickheads. At some point, women do have to take some responsibility for their choices and decisions. The red flags are usually there if you look hard enough before letting him fertilise you. It’s rare there is absolute NO indication that a man is a lazy, useless, pathetic loser and will be a crap father. That doesn’t mean to say it’s one or the other to blame. It’s not either/or. Sometimes it is the bloke, sometimes it’s the woman, and sometimes it’s both.

I can pretty much predict the responses you will give to my post so don’t bother.

I don't need to reflect on why I've taken offence as you put it. I haven't. My children are adults, their father is great. I've no personal skin in the game.
I merely dislike to see a young woman who is clearly doing her best, who has been dealt a poor hand by a man and by a system that facilitates him, being told she is the author of her own misfortune. And given you chose to opine on the OPs thread about something directly related to her circumstances, it seems reasonable to assume you were aiming it at her.
You know nothing about her relationship, how her partner represented himself to her and whether or not there were any of these red flags you feel qualified to assume would have been there. Yet your go to response is to suggest by implication at least, that she brought it on herself by being insufficiently discerning.
Don't get me wrong, women often do pick men they should have avoid. Sometimes because the pool is shallow. More often, because hind sight is 20/20.
But to assume this about every woman who finds herself struggling is unintelligent and lazy, and brings nothing of value to the discussion other than allowing you to feel superior for your choices at the expense of the OP.

Out of those 86% of single parents being women it would be interesting how many of them chose to keep the kids or how many forced to as the father refuses to have them.

It all sucks I resented my ex getting on merrily with his life while I was stuck with 2 young kids.One of which HE wanted to have more than me . However as soon as we split he refused to have anything to do with them . People kept on about getting him to pay money, ( not that he did( but it was more I wanted to have them some of the bloody time. Felt most unfair that I was either working or looking after kids whereas he had a nice life.

Hear hear.

Most abusers are good at hiding it in the early stages, and then wearing you down gradually.

Plus women may enter adulthood already victims of trauma, and therefore find it hard to make good decisions. I was bereaved (in awful circumstances) and raped on the same night. Its hardly surprising I ended up in a bad relationship. It has taken years of therapy to unpick, but that wasn't even offered as an option when I was a teen.

I support victims of abuse now and many of them are strong, impressive, accomplished professional women. Who reel in shock at how they have ended up there.

And it's not simple to stand up even once you have escaped. The family courts are Kafkaesque and the maintenance service is slow to respond and often toothless. And even after a decade of therapy (on and off) I still struggle to remain impervious to my exH continued attempts to abuse and control.

But I think people like to assume it's a moral failing by the woman because thats more comfortable than accepting it could happen to anyone

And how many have an ex who fought hard for as much "time with the kids as possible" only to not actually use most of it (but of course to still profit from the fact that higher "on paper" custody means they don't have to pay very much maintenance)

I have DD 80% of the time. It’s more practical in our circumstances for her to be with me in the week (he moved to the other side of town so week overnights would mean her getting up really early to get back before he leaves for work).
I chose to end the marriage (although he put up very little fight). It does frustrate me that I shared some money I came into and it’s all gone in the divorce. He says things like ‘Where is all my maintenance going?’ without realising the mortgage cost when up when I remortgaged, all bills have gone up, I’m barely scraping by but he’s clearly got some cash for new tattoos and TVs, two holidays booked this year. My freedom came at a price! He does pay his maintainence but only once in over 2 years have I asked for extra (for a school trip). I struggle not to be bitter towards comments like that when he clearly has disposable income and I don’t. He’d point out he earns more whilst missing the fact that my career went on the back burner for years while I did most of the childcare 🤷🏻‍♀️

I suppose in that case they are still actually seeing the kids at some point and paying some - even if a lower amount- of maintenance.

Too many men take the piss one way or another

To echo what others have said. The children do grow up and they do see the truth of who did the hard work. I’ve been a single parent to four children since my youngest was only 2. She’s nearly 15 now. None of the children have a meaningful relationship with their dad now and that is all on him. I never stopped free contact but he moved area and now barely sees them. He did see them a lot when they were younger and took the role of ‘fun’ parent which I found hurtful but three are adults now and can see things for what they really were.

Oh for god's sake! I was married. We planned the kids. It was a joint enterprise. Didn't stop him pissing off when they were toddlers and it got boring / hard / ow came along. My friend went through IVF at her husband's urging when she would have settled without kids. Guess which one fucked off when the child turned out to have autism at three years old? I'm so do k of being told by smug, self righteous idiots that the fault lies with the reliable, suck it up and deal parent who failed to look in a non existent crystal ball.

When the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table, I guess.

Brilliant response. I'm sick of it too. As if I chose a shit human, on purpose, to father my children. Much more likely that he was a master manipulator who fucked off and left me holding the all the peices when his babies were still in nappies. Damn my non existent crystal ball. Must predict the future better.

What a strange reply.

If I bought a Yacht, and then went on here complaining about how unfair it was that owning one cost so much, and that it was easier for a couple to pay for one, people would not give me very polite answers.

If you choose to have children, we'll those come with even more costs, which presumably the OP had budgeted for before having them. So on that basis, I can't see what she is complaining about.

What did she think was going to happen when she had two children?

Who did she think was going to pay for them?

Children are human beings, not a commodity like a yacht, unbelievable that you compare them

I really hope L&C are able to help you, please do keep us updated I feel invested now and really want it to work out for you - you deserve it!

Hi,
I just wanted to come back and update in case it can help anyone else in future.
I managed to get an AIP for the extra money I needed to move, through a broker from Embrace Financial Services- they couldn't have been more helpful and non judgemental of my situation!
I put my house on the market and sold within a few weeks so a little more than I'd hoped for! The perfect house also came up in the area I want to move to- I put in an offer which was accepted
The very daunting part was the mortgage application going in- even though I had the AIP I was totally expecting to be rejected after the negative experiences and being told no by other mortgage brokers... but I was approved in 2 working days
Everything going smoothly so far with the sale and purchase and hoping to complete in late September all going well.

When I became a single parent and needed to remortgage, the bank told me I couldn’t afford the repayments. I pointed out to them that I had consistently been paying a higher amount prior to divorce.

they took this to some sort of panel who despite the evidence I provided still stated I couldn’t afford the mortgage.

they allowed me to stay on the current policy interest only. It was madness. I simply made orverpaments every month so the balance went down.

in your situation if they point blank won’t lend you more, could you put all spare money into overpaying so you have more equity in your home and so want to borrow a lower amount?

i also took a second job following this to pay down my mortgage even quicker so that when my fixed interest only ended, someone would lend to me….could you do online tutoring in the evening when the baby is in bed to boost your income either to get a future mortgage or pay down the one you have?

good luck OP, single parenthood is no picnic.