Life feels unfair as a single parent

[stuck24]

I know I AIBU and it's just the way it works but I'm just so fed up of life.

I have a mortgage and I desperately want to move house.

I'm a single parent, with a child in nursery.

The mortgage I got before baby. I'm in a professional job (think teacher etc.), but I haven't been in the job too many years so still a fair way to progress up the pay scale. But my salary has increase by almost £10,000 since I got my mortgage 2 years ago.

I get topped up a little with UC and most of my childcare costs are covered which is a godsend.

As I said I am desperate to move, my house is in not the best area, but it was all I could afford at the time I bought and I thought I was better to get on the ladder and move as my pay went up etc.

I've had issues with my car being keyed, and with neighbours a few doors up who have the police out constantly. There was a rental property with a cannabis grow in it slightly further down. In short I don't feel safe here on my own with a baby.

To get to a slightly better area I am not needing to borrow a huge amount more. 30-40k would help massively and I could get a small 2 bed fixer-upper in a better area.

After having a chat with several mortgage advisors it looks like it's going to be very difficult for me to move due to the childcare costs significantly affecting my affordability.

If it weren't for these, I'd be able to borrow more than enough to move to where I need to, it's just these that are holding me back and actually make my affordability less than when I took out my current mortgage.

The lender I'm with accepts UC as income but for some reason it just doesn't cancel it out.

It looks like I am stuck here, meanwhile my ex wouldn't be facing the same issue if he were trying to get a mortgage as he has no childcare costs because of course he only sees his child on weekends...

I just feel disproportionately affected as a woman... again... it's mostly us that are single parents and do main childcare responsibilities isn't it?

Incase it's relevant I'm not talking huge amounts of money either as I live in the North and in a cheaper area. There is a decent amount of equity in my house too.

Glad you've considered other avenues for new mortgage OP and I hope this works in your favour. Child maintenance is a fucked up system. It was introduced to catch absent parents income and assess what would be due to children they had. Rather than support this and pay what was due I've known many men (and women) who worked to 'dodge' the costs due, even put themselves out a job. And that's the problem not a lot gets done when an absent parent suddenly changes their situation.

Reading this thread only highlights how many issues single parents face when trying to get on their feet or better themselves for their children's sake. There's a huge problem with child poverty and depreciation in this country, and they wonder why? The momentum lies with the parent who has the sole caring responsibilities and not much can be done about it sadly. If I had the energy or wherewithal I'd challenge till my last breath but sadly I don't. Maybe another generation will. Although from what I gather future generations aren't for having kids let alone settle down and get married. It just doesn't bring people much anymore.. the risk of breakdown is too high and at a cost to everyone involved

Cannabis growing and problems with neighbours happen everywhere.
Dosent mean if you move things will be better.
Different maybe but who says better?

@stuck24 Is the mortgage a joint mortgage with your ex or solely yours?

No, CMS figures are taken from HMRC. What they do is declare less than minimum wage (despite being professionals/highly skilled) for years on end then when they want to buy a property they suddenly declare 45k income which then of course returns to 17k the following year. At least that's what my ex did.

Yanbu and I find it astonishing that people don't think fathers should have to contribute to childcare costs

They do, however I've lived in this town for years and this is the "rough" bit.

Just yesterday I was getting out of my car and there was an altercation going on out on the street. I was trying to get my baby inside and it scared me.

I know I could get bad neighbours anywhere.

I'm hoping to move to a "nicer" bit of town. I know people that live there and have done for a long time. I know it's nicer. It won't be perfect but it's better than where I live.

ya definitely nbu op and I'm Sorry its been so difficult for you

The mortgage and equity here is solely mine.

I hope this works out for you OP, yes there will always be inequality but you deserve to live somewhere you feel safe and at home.

Sorry no useful advice from me but just wanted to say I agree it is unfair that you have to pay for all the childcare and provide for your child on your own when the father could be contributing more and mostly to say well done for all your achievements in getting a professional job, buying a house and providing for your baby the best you can. It is hopefully a temporary set back and I hope you manage to move to an area you like better soon! Best of luck!

Of course it's worked! You have a good education, a good job, a child, are buying your home, all with the additional challenge of an ex who doesn't contribute financially or practically as he should. I'd say you're doing a fantastic job of 'bettering yourself'.
You need to remember though, if you don't start off with advantage, it's a marathon not a sprint, and a tough uphill one at that. But don't ever think your efforts haven't worked, because it's a long game, and you're at the early stages with it all ahead of you. Truly, you're doing great, and I wish you all the best for the future you deserve.

Keep trying, use independent brokers L&C are shit, they are only good at getting 'straightforward' borrowers mortgages. I often wonder if they have someone / bots scouring forums because they always get mentioned on every single mortgage thread.

I know someone (single mother) who got a mortgage using income including tax credits and so I can't see why UC sting childcare cost would be any different.

Hi op I was in a similar position, in the end I just kept my head down, squirrelled away as much money as I could and moved when dd was older and childcare was much less.

It's not ideal and you're right it's not fair.

Ignore all the judgmental posters who have no clue what they're talking about 🙄

@Hereyoume who even makes a comment like this? Especially on a website called Mumsnet. What a sad life you must have to comment on someone's post with such unhelpful advice! You don't know the OP circumstances. I'm sure she didn't have a child thinking she was going to be a single parent. The reason the country is such a shit show is because its full of people like you, who lack empathy or understanding for anyone but themselves. I hope you enjoy your day living the 'perfect' life and being a 'perfect' model of society!

Her ex-partner also made that choice yet is happy to have much less input now.

@stuck24 please ignore comments like the one I've quoted, they seem to have missed the kindness gene, or at least it's not functioning well. I'm sorry things are particularly tough for you right now and hope they improve.

Hereyoume
You didn't have to have children.

You made a choice which came with significant costs. It isn't unfair. You made the choice.
You can say that about anything in life but you can choose something and then have life beat you about the head a lot, turn you in circles and then face you in a totally different way to the way you were going and had made concessions for.

I agree it's unfair.

It would at least make me feel better if men had to declare their kids on the mortgage application as dependents and got the penalty too - might focus their minds a bit on what those of us with sole care of the kids have to do.

Even if they don't pay, they should be treated as if they might have to (because they might - what if something were to happen to you? Are they saying they wouldn't take their own children on? Maybe for some actually)

So many men are indifferent about having kids but either allow themselves to be railroaded into it by women desperate for kids or lie about it to women and delude themselves……then when the reality hits they can’t deal with it and abandon their child. They suck. But…..Women in general need to be MUCH choosier about who they procreate with instead of blaming their biological urges for procreating with walking red flags / total losers. Stop having kids with dickheads, blokes that don’t really want kids or man-children basically.

I'm not sure you've grasped the premis of the thread. The OP is not saying life is unfair on those who choose to have children. She is saying it's unfair for mothers when fathers refuse to take equal responsibility for their children financially and practically, and continue their lives unhindered by their responsibilities while the mother struggles to progress her life due to the extra load she is carrying. If the OPs ex didn't defraud CMS and took his share of childcare, I doubt she would think life so unfair.

I'm sorry but I'm sick of this being peddled out... I don't want to assume you are a woman but I often DO see this peddled out by other women...

Most of whom are sat on their high horse, happily married to their carefully "chosen" husband, their perfect "planned" babies...

Our issues are all our own fault because we didn't plan our lives perfectly or chose well enough like them.

No one can predict the future. As others said, people lose jobs, divorce (more common than not these days), you could have an accident and become disabled, there are lots of variables in life.

It suits the men for us to blame each other though, doesn't it? Instead of blaming them for not paying their fair share towards their child's FULL costs (childcare included!).

I could go on and on...

If its a woman posting OP, it's rooted in fear. They can't cope with the idea that the men they themselves rely in in one form or another may change, let them down or reveal deep flaws. So they comfort themselves with the idea that men can be divided into the good ones and the bad ones, and women into the sensible ones who pick the good ones, and the stupid ones who pick the bad ones. Obviously they believe themselves to be in the first category and therefore protected from ill treatment, betrayal, their partner tiring of them and so on. They need to believe this, because its too frightening to think otherwise. When they blame you, it's not about you it's about them.

Your ex might have an issue if he pays child maintenance!
Is your lender counting child maintenance as income, if not can your ex pay it directly into the tax free childcare account so that the childcare bills don't show on your bank statements and aren't your bill?
Could your ex pay some maintenance up front? If he has savings perhaps he could give 20k towards the properly if that meant he didn't have to pay maintenance or only half maintenance for x years? (Unlikely he's this nice but just in case!)

Sorry just seen he only pays minimum through the CMs

I don't disagree that it is completely unfair but that is why as women we need to take more responsibility about who we have a baby with.

@stuck24 well said