Life feels unfair as a single parent

[stuck24]

I know I AIBU and it's just the way it works but I'm just so fed up of life.

I have a mortgage and I desperately want to move house.

I'm a single parent, with a child in nursery.

The mortgage I got before baby. I'm in a professional job (think teacher etc.), but I haven't been in the job too many years so still a fair way to progress up the pay scale. But my salary has increase by almost £10,000 since I got my mortgage 2 years ago.

I get topped up a little with UC and most of my childcare costs are covered which is a godsend.

As I said I am desperate to move, my house is in not the best area, but it was all I could afford at the time I bought and I thought I was better to get on the ladder and move as my pay went up etc.

I've had issues with my car being keyed, and with neighbours a few doors up who have the police out constantly. There was a rental property with a cannabis grow in it slightly further down. In short I don't feel safe here on my own with a baby.

To get to a slightly better area I am not needing to borrow a huge amount more. 30-40k would help massively and I could get a small 2 bed fixer-upper in a better area.

After having a chat with several mortgage advisors it looks like it's going to be very difficult for me to move due to the childcare costs significantly affecting my affordability.

If it weren't for these, I'd be able to borrow more than enough to move to where I need to, it's just these that are holding me back and actually make my affordability less than when I took out my current mortgage.

The lender I'm with accepts UC as income but for some reason it just doesn't cancel it out.

It looks like I am stuck here, meanwhile my ex wouldn't be facing the same issue if he were trying to get a mortgage as he has no childcare costs because of course he only sees his child on weekends...

I just feel disproportionately affected as a woman... again... it's mostly us that are single parents and do main childcare responsibilities isn't it?

Incase it's relevant I'm not talking huge amounts of money either as I live in the North and in a cheaper area. There is a decent amount of equity in my house too.

Well, that does rather assume that her ex will agree to that. Which he probably won't, because he's enjoying the single life while OP is being grossly disadvantaged doing all the grunt work of raising his child.

Been there, done (still doing) that. No, it's not fucking fair, and resentment is my constant companion. I just hope I outlive him long enough to dance on his grave.

Is your ex paying you child support? He should be contributing to the childcare. It’s not fair.

Is your ex paying you child support? He should be contributing to the childcare. It’s not fair.

His child maintenance payment is not much, as he is self employed. So I doubt it would affect him as much as the £1000+ a month in childcare costs which are deemed to be my sole responsibility so I can work and put a roof over my child's head.

Absolutely @Willyoujustbequiet I had my kids with my now ex husband believing that we were going to raise them together. He had other ideas and I now have them 100% of the time as a lone parent. My work hours are limited due to a lack of suitable childcare and while I'm not starving, money is tight. I didn't choose this path and I'm trying to make the best of it.

its really tough being a single parent, my ex completely abandoned dd1 when she was 5 , and barely saw her before that . We were really poor , whilst he was jetting off the America with my new partner and child .

Do you honestly think OP has not thought of that idea??

How can she essentially force him to pay more bloody hell stupid comment 🙄

OP I feel for you, this sucks! Childcare cost will decrease when DC goes to school hopefully? Depending if you work term time as then you would have to factor in holiday clubs etc.

how old is DC?

I don't have any advice or solutions because I get it. And ultimately it is unfair. I've had to make my peace with it because it makes me so angry and bitter otherwise. I am just keeping everything crossed that things will come good in the end. I just have to keep chipping away one day at a time.

DC is only 18 months so a long way to go.

I've been told I could sell up and just port my existing mortgage and buy a property elsewhere of the same price.

However I just feel like this is pointless and a bit of a gamble as I wouldn't be able to afford anything out of this area, I could move and have lovely neighbours or I could have worse.

If I'm going to go to the effort of moving I want somewhere I can stay long term and feel safe with my little one.

And how do you suggest getting a man to pay half? When he decides he doesn’t want to and it’s your job to sort it?

You've put your finger on the essential unfairness there warshiprocinante. There should be a way to force men like this to pay half, but the people who make the laws don't care enough about women. And this is why it hurts.

I think it's because it's mostly men that make the laws.

Being a single mother now I see how society does seem to hate us.

If we become a hated, "othered" group- as we are- then there will be less societal pressure to change things to give us the support we need. Which suits the status quo just fine 😡

It's much, much harder being a single parent. I'm struggling to pay for a residential course and a maths and English tutor to help my 15 year old get to the standard he needs for his dream career. Whether he will make it or not I don't know but it's me paying for all the things that will hopefully help him. His dad on the other hand pays minimum maintenance and is going to Hawaii this year.
But the kids can see who has done what for them. My teenagers openly talk about dad being stingy. That has definitely not been said by me! They know what I have done for them. My elder one has left home now and he keeps in touch with his dad but ultimately it's me he comes home to see.
So... it's massively unfair and you are massively impacted but you do get out what you put in with the kids. You will get there with the house even if it takes a bit longer. Definitely shop around with mortgage advisors. Things change very quickly so a definite no one month could soon be a yes.

This is exactly the reason why childcare should be properly subsided for everyone. In many instances the ex partner cannot or won't pay for 50% of the childcare. Instead of doing something proactive about it, the government prefer that women are stuck in poverty because they cannot afford to work with young children.

So did the ex and he's managed to weasel out of the 'significant costs'.

OP, I'm sorry - you're right, it's shit. Women are used in this world and we put up with it because otherwise the people we love and care about would suffer.

You're the one who has stuck around to do the work. Without you, your child would have no home and precious little love.

You're a trooper. Tell them to fuck off with their judgement.

As a fellow single parent I hear you.
I chose to be a single parent, (I adopted) but fuck me I had no idea how toxic our culture is towards single mothers and therefore their children until I became one myself.
I don't qualify for benefits apart from CB, or get any other funding etc, which is fine I knew that was the case before I adopted, but I now am facing the stark reality of the lack of all the other support systems children especially need to rely on.
It's my child who is ultimately suffering the cost of childcare/lack of provision via NHS/scarcity of nursery places/under-funded schools. Etc etc.
I'll be long in my grave while DC is still dealing with the consequences of a hindered start, and the state is absolutely not there to rely on as a safety net/equaliser in a way it was when I was young.

Op - do you have parents who could lend you the money or remortgage to lend it to you? think it would need to be a gift - but obviously you can pay them back under the table.
It's such a small amount in the scheme of things and it would be great to move to somewhere in time for primary school applications.

Thanks for all the solidarity and nice comments.

Makes me feel not so alone but at the same time so sad that so many of us go through this.

@littlestarlittlemoon unfortunately my parents don't have any money. They don't own a home and have always rented. Dads always done retail work and so has mum on and off when she's worked.

I'm the first in my family to go on to higher education or buy a house. I was trying to better myself, but it hasn't really worked.

I wish I didn't have to rely on any benefits at all. The job I have would have been seen as a "good" one in my background but I see now it doesn't pay enough to make my life much better or my child's life.

It really sucks. I'm a single parent and all i could afford at the time was a flat. I now want to move due to the flat above being rented to noisy tenants and I'm struggling to cope with the constant noise invasion. But to pay the stamp duty/leaseholder costs and all the legal fees alone is really really difficult

@stuck24

Thought it might be a possible solution, but obviously not.
Funny thing it you wanted to buy a new car for that amount you could probably get oe on finance no problem, but mortgage companies have their own rules that don't always make sense. I think in your case the mortgage companies might be saying you can't rely on UC paying your childcare because the gov can pull that benefit whenever they choose. I've never understood this logic, we can all lose our jobs at anytime also, but you make do and find a solution.

But you will get there.
I absolutely meant no shade about benefits, they are there to support us, I was just applying it in my case, because I don't qualify for help with childcare costs through UC (wish I did, I basically can't work until I use up my savings, which i was hoping to use, like yourself to buy a bigger house in a better area, but now can't).
Congrats on the degree and the job, you are young and life is long, often we do end up where we wanted, just not in the timescale we were hoping.

I've spoken to another mortgage broker recommended and they seem a lot more positive and after doing some digging think it may be achievable... my credit file is excellent no missed payments etc.

I'll keep this updated incase anyone else in the same situation.

I wonder if there's a system whereby a self employed person puts a lower amount to pay less CMS but then declares more income so they can get a mortgage whereby they can check each one against the other?

That would be such a good start for woman who's exs fiddle CMS.