To be a bit upset about clicky colleagues

[PrincessBananaH]

We are in a team of 10, all women in our 20s and 30s. I have noticed 3-4 of them have become quite close and often do things together outside of work, go out for lunch when in the office without inviting others and have their own Teams chat etc.
I am generally quite mature and don’t get absorbed into office dynamics (I am friendly and open with everyone but I am not clicky or bestie with anyone either) but this has been bothering me a bit lately. I noticed that if only one of the group is in the office, they’d just go on lunch by themselves rather than asking me or someone else to join them, for example.
Some of these behaviours bring me back to school days, AIBU to be bothered by it?

Are people really not allowed to be friends at work? I could understand if they were excluding just one person, or were being rude or bullying others... but it sounds like they've just become friends rather than colleagues?

I think if you were a group of 5 and you were the only one left out then YWNBU. But theres 10 in the office and 6 of you aren’t invited, you could go out with the other 6?

It is shit feeling left out even if you know it’s not entirely rational to care about not being included or that you aren’t being deliberately excluded.

It probably is clear that you look down on them, and understandably, they don't want to spend their time with someone who views them in that way.

Are you sure they just don’t like you?

😂

I think it’s quite natural to form friendships. Calling it a clique makes it sound like you’re excluded, but it’s perhaps more that they get on better? I definitely have a group at work that I might socialise with and it doesn’t include some are they’re not my type.

Och I know what you mean; this happened to me when I came back from maternity leave. In our wider team of 25, one of the girls was getting married and a couple of weeks after I came back I came into the office on the Monday to discover them all talking about how much fun they'd had on her Hen night on the Saturday. I was the only one who hadn't been invited. It hurt a bit, especially as I'd had no reason to believe prior to this that I wasn't part of the group as I'd always been invited to work lunches. I now realise they were inviting me to lunches out of some false sense of pity but obviously drew the line at inviting me to a Hen night. I'd always come to the lunches unlike the office martyr who ate at her desk and barely spoke to anyone. Yet she had been invited to the Hen when I wasn't. It stung.

I WFH pretty much permanently now so I don't need to interact with any of them and I'm happy with that. I have loads of real friends so I just put my work head on and just get on with the job and let it all wash over me.

😂😂

“I noticed that if only one of the group is in the office, they’d just go on lunch by themselves rather than asking me or someone else to join them, for example.”

But have you ever asked them out for lunch with you?! You say if they are on their own, they don’t invite you out for lunch. So if you see one is there alone, have you asked them for lunch with you?

I usually find people who complain about cliques are people who make zero effort to befriend them, are very shy, don’t initiate asking them if they want to go out with them. You can’t sit passively by and then complain that other people have made the effort to make friends for themselves.

@Everanewbie
I don't know if this is true for other places but certainly in Fife and the Lothians 'click' is a well known slang term for clique and 'clicky' simply means 'cliquey'.
It's very commonly used here.
Same could be true of where OP lives so perhaps no need to correct her.

Exactly the same in my office... group of 4/5 in a clique and 3 of us on the sidelines.

But you can't expect you and your work colleagues to all go around in a group of 10 all the time?

If what they do outside work doesn’t bother you and you aren’t fussed about them eating together when they are all there, I don’t see the issue.

If one of them is in, they probably feel a bit weird about asking someone else to lunch in case it comes across as ‘you are good enough to eat with IF my friends aren’t here’

and if there’s a group of friends the dynamic changes when other people join in. But I really wouldn’t be bothered by them not inviting me to eat with them when their friends aren’t there.

You could always invite them to join you.

No that's a click. Same in my office. I used get upset but now I'm just easy breezy. Think I'm a bit sad tbh. I get on with them all I had thought but they obvs don't like me enough to ask me join them. Even when there's whole team things they make their own arrangement with lifts or sharing taxis etc. I always feel left out but hey ho.

What is the difference between a friendship group and a clique?

Tbh, when I worked in the office, there were about 25 of us, but I gelled more with three others, and we used to go for lunch together most days. I honestly never thought anything of it. The others there I just classed as work colleagues, but the other three I classed as friends. I never thought it rude to not invite other people, and never felt they were judging us.

How specifically is it a clique vs a friendship? They’re in the minority, 3-4 out of 10. They’ve made a friendship for the sake of friendship not to purposefully leave anyone out.

It would be a bloody nightmare to go to lunch with all 10 people.

I don't think 4 being friends with each other is being in a clique. It's called being friends.

But why didn't you try to get involved?!

Did you ever ask them to go for lunch with you? Or suggest a shared taxi for a work do?

I have felt like you in the past OP - some workplaces can be quite isolating. But if it's only 4 of them out of about 10, can you not hang out with the others?

Because ultimately, many people DO make their closest friendships at work. Of my three female closest friends, I met each of them in a different workplace - one I work with now. And we have a few other friends we socialise with outside work. So perhaps that is cliquey - I did actually hear a younger colleague slagging us off for it a little while ago, which was a shame....

But I don't have that many hobbies, I don't go out much - where else am I going to meet friends now as an adult?

Having said that, if it's hurtful it's hurtful - not saying you are wrong to feel that way OP.

When there is just one of them in the office why don’t you invite that person to go to lunch?
Are you the sort of person who sits back and never arranges anything but expects to be included in everyone else’s plans.

We'll have to disagree on this one.
I don't see a group of 3/4 out of 10 as a clique. I see them as a group who have more in common with each other and who have formed a friendship. As long as they don't bully other colleagues and behave professionally I don't see a problem. OP hasn't come back and said if she has instigated any meet ups or lunch arrangements. They may get the impression OP isn't interested at all.
I've been on both "sides" and never viewed the situation as cliquey. While I wouldn't necessarily choose to eat lunch or hang out with certain colleagues after work, doesn't mean I dislike them or don't respect them.

If you actually want to spend time with any of them, invite them to lunch. You cant moan about them not doing something that you haven't done yourself🤣

And if you dont want to actually spend time with them but just feel left out that they aren't 'picking you', get over it! Plan your own lunches out or distract yourself with something you are interested in, instead of watching or listening to what they are choosing to do.

phonetically they seem similar, and if you never saw the word written down I can understand the mistake. My understanding is that it is a French originated word, pronounced ‘cleek’ or something ‘klick’ But it is a mistake. It’s not a regional spelling.

What?

I get bothered about stuff like this. It's something that you give less fucks about with age.
I'm quite new in a job and got on very well with 2 other women I work with, then thought they were leaving me out last week.
But I took a step back.
You don't have to be best pals with everyone at work.
Be pleasant, open, friendly . Do your job well.
Doesn't need to be a huge deal.