AIBU - motherhood has ruined men for me

[Bettercallsaul2024]

I expect I am being unreasonable but since becoming a mum I have gone off men.

I had always adored men but now I see an incompetence I can’t get past. My husband is an ICU consultant - can handle huge pressure and stress but can’t be trusted to pack a fucking bag for a day to the zoo. He can handle the resuscitation of a child but can’t cope when OUR child has a tantrum. (I too am a hospital doctor so feel like I can make the comparison, and I do appreciate the workload of his job). He would never cope being up all night with our ill child yet can do nightshifts in ICU - I don’t get it?!

and it’s not ‘just’ him. I now see it everywhere. All the men in my family, though lovely, have so much less expected of them. Seen as great dads when they take the kids swimming despite the women doing all the parenting the rest of the week plus having a job/career.

sometimes I say to my mum - how are men able to organise complex things like war when they can’t do the sainsburys food shop without ringing their partner at least twice. She reasons that it’s because men usually only have one task to focus on at a time and so can do it well - behind the scenes women are doing EVERYTHING else.

I find myself unattracted to my husband but also all men really. At the park I see dads standing on their phones, getting cross and stressed when their kids are upset after a grazed knee. It’s so ugly to me!

I KNOW I am being unreasonable. But do others feel this way? I know not ALL men. It just so happens it’s ALL men I’ve ever interacted with

YABU: this is a DH thing. Men are just as wonderful as women

YANBU: men wouldn’t last one day as mothers

Out of curiosity, any particular reason you tolerated this?

The water bottle thing is completely barmy and doesn’t make any sense!

I think this would make me furious and drive me nearly to violence.

and pressure washing is easier than hoovering

😂😂😂😂
I think you've just given yourself away that you're fibbing and have never actually pressure washed anything in your life. I don't believe for a second that anyone who's actually pressure washed a large area would say it's easier than hoovering 😂. It's the equivalent of saying sanding and refinishing a table is easier than wiping it over - totally ludicrous.

And yes, I know there may be 20 posts now from people saying THEY find hoovering harder just because that's the tone of this thread and people want to be contrary - but as far as I'm concerned you can save your breath, I don't believe you so dont @ me with that nonsense 😁

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree! I am struggling in my relationship atm as I just can’t get past the differences in the parenting ‘workload’ between myself and DP - even bringing it up as an issue to discuss with him irritates me that I have to initiate that chat as he is oblivious! Yes he might do school run but I’m the one who’s got the DC ready, given them breakfast, packed lunchboxes, planned what they need for the day etc whilst he just drops them off - I could go on!

he will do things if I ask but - why should I have to ask?! Again mental workload is too often not shared equally

Moreover, it seems perfectly obvious to me he was trying to absent himself from the large amounts of housework, kitchen work, and managing of children that would typically happen on Christmas Day.

It would be amusing if it wasn’t so pathetic and disgusting.

The juxtaposition of your genuineness and desire to think well of him, and his desire to pull the wool over your eyes and shirk all the family work and dump it all on you on such a big day is really quite sad.

I really don’t know how you restrained yourself from clobbering him with the cabbage.

A Dr who can’t tell the difference between a cabbage and a cauliflower indeed! What a load of codswallop. And then does 40 minutes round trips and still can’t correct the problem? What kind of lunacy is that!
He’s really insulting your intelligence. It’s so ridiculous all of it.

I’d be more likely to believe he’s having a stroke then take any of this at face value. It’s unbelievable in every sense of the word.

Clearly he knew he could get away with it - if you’ll believe that, you’ll believe anything. (It’s like that classic line “do you believe me or your lying eyes?” - complete divestment of your senses and information processing abilities)

It’s really beautiful you trust him so unreservedly, but please do use some critical thinking and common sense regarding that, you need to look out for yourself.

The lengths that some women will go to, to justify their own ill treatment to themselves and actually be complicit in and defend it is amazing.

YANBU
My DH is great and does loads but there is plenty he just doesn't see, the 'mental load'.
I am going away on a holiday with friends soon (first since having kids 12 years ago) and will be away for 5 nights. The longest he will have ever had to parent solo and he will totally manage without bothering me as he wants me to have the rest and a good time but I can't wait to see how he finds it!

The lengths that some women will go to, to justify their own ill treatment to themselves and actually be complicit in and defend it is amazing

I think you're confusing me with others on the thread @BeadedCorset. I've been with dh for 20 years, we have a wonderful, loving, equal and very happy marriage. So sorry to disappoint because clearly, happy marriages don't go down well on such threads - but no, me stating that dh does all the 'dirty' and 'heavy' jobs and that I don't consider these to be easy doesn't mean that I'm being ill treated 😂

Oh yes. I have said if husband and I ever break up that is it for me, no more men as I just don't see them the same way anymore. I love my husband dearly but he has ADHD and it has taken the best part of a decade for us to find a way that works and that is still a work in progress. I think for me its the fact that we are expected to know things but if they don't know them its ok to just avoid it or not do it. We don't have that option and nor would I want it, not knowing is not an excuse for incompetence - learn!! Ohh don't start me off 😂

@BeadedCorset

Out of curiosity, any particular reason you tolerated this?

I didn’t tolerate it for very long. I left and then divorced him.

I have never actually “parented” with a man as was a lone parent and I am quite glad really. I did everything myself but there was no resentment. And lots of the so called Blue jobs were quite fun. I decorated a whole house, did tiling, put up shelves, grew veggies, painted the shed. Never had a power washer but I’m dying to get one as it looks like fun! ( Vaccuming is very boring..)
The hard part was being the only adult for night wakings, school drop off/ pick up, sick days, having to cook every meal etc, but clearly a lot of married women are in that position which is obviously infuriating.
Current DP is pretty considerate and looks after me but won’t live with him because the minute you live with them the domestic sphere becomes yours. And I have more interesting things to do.

@AuroraAnimal

Omg, I would definitely pick pressure washing over hoovering. One takes a few hours a few times a year, you get the immense satisfaction of seeing your patio transform, and you get to be outside on a sunny day. Hoovering is mundane, have to lug it about up and down stairs, takes a couple of hours every bloody week!

It’s been a revelation that people have said their husbands do it in here. Within my friends and my neighbours it always seems to be the woman doing it. I honestly don’t see how it is back breakingly hard work in the least, I love it, I’m never giving that chore up!!

I’m fully convinced men do the jobs they want to do. Where as us women totally enjoy cleaning the toilet. 🙄

I've finally left my husband recently because of shit like this. The man runs a multi-million pound business but can't sort our kid's dinner out? Despite best efforts on my part (although no one had to teach me to be a decent parent and human, so...), he still knows nothing about our DC's health, interests, wellbeing needs, education, hobbies, friends, clothing and shoe sizes, preferred/hated foods etc.

I found articles on the 'walkaway wife syndrome' really hit home for me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/divorce-busting/202209/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome-revisited

Current DP is pretty considerate and looks after me but won’t live with him because the minute you live with them the domestic sphere becomes yours. And I have more interesting things to do
@PontiacFirebird my take on this is that the man in this situation (even if unconsciously) is in 'appease and placate' mode because he hopes that if he plays his cards right you will reconsider and want to live together

A woman I work likes to say: "Those videos/instructions on planes to sort your own oxygen mask out before you help children/other people? Those are for women because men would ALWAYS help themselves first before they help anyone else."

She's nailed it.

LOL you're rather upset that a woman would find pressure washing easier than hoovering.

Did your husband tell you that pressure washing was the equivalent of sanding and refinishing a table? I've done that too and it's nothing like it, sanding and refinishing furniture actually requires skill.

Have you ever pressure washed anything? It's just a high pressure hose, no big effort involved.

The hardest DIY job I ever did was lay a patio, shifting and manoeuvring slabs is hard work but it's not difficult. Patio still going strong after about 20 years.

Honestly men are full of shit when it comes to how hard something is.

Honestly men are full of shit when it comes to how hard something is.

Ain't that the truth 😂

I think it's about practice. Mine does all the food shopping. He regularly packs the kids bags. He deals with tantrums calmly (but I definitely did the research on this one so he learned a lot from watching me do it). He had a regular one or two days with the kids each week once I went back to work so he had to learn this stuff. I think the problem is with men who think these tasks are women's jobs really, often because they've got a frightfully important full time job, and so don't bother to learn how to do them properly.

I thought this was pretty much uncommon in straight women, it feels good to be understood and not thought strange or not very nice in some way.

I’m pleased you made it work and had your child regardless, I don’t imagine you were worse off as a single parent than heterosexual couples… as you say, the husband is often the biggest demanding the most care and catering to and kowtowing.

Just goes to show how strong and effective this society’s indoctrination and pressure to conform is… sadly was born to such a mother who only had children to fit in I think. Some of these people shouldn’t ever have children anyway, they’re entirely unsuitable, just get the snip for goodness sake! I’m sure the crime rate, children in care, troubled adults in prison, would drop dramatically.

I am in desperate need of a wife like you, if ever you’re single again, look me up! 😄

@BeadedCorset
I am surprised how many women of my generation still do all the traditional mother/housewife role PLUS work full or part time. With fathering children having so much less impact on the man's day-to-day life.
My parent's generation my Mum stayed home and wasn't expected to work AND do 99% of the raising of children & running the household. My Dad did bins, washing-up, mowing the lawn, hoovering and that's about it. Much, much less than if he lived alone.
I thought this model would be dead once (specially professional women) stated going to Uni in equal numbers to men.
Instead we got house price inflation and women doing everything.

I was married, planning to have children fairly soon, but could see how I would end up, so I bailed and did it my way.
It's tough, but for me it would have been much tougher having to struggle and live with another adult in the home who wasn't struggling at all and got all the reward without all the hard grind.
I can put the bins out once a week, takes probably 120 seconds a week, and mowing the lawn takes me about 20 mins about 8 times a year (very dry where I am so it stops growing by July). So a lot of those 'blue' jobs are very quick and don't require mental load/planning etc.

Still think it's a shame, I don't hate men and can see the appeal, but I have observed often that once they have their feet under the table they slowly take their foot of the gas too. Kudos to all those women out there and on this thread who do have equal partners.

My old dad was great around the house. Always did his bit. He had his problems, don't get me wrong but laziness wasn't one of them.

Well, you can imagine the shock I got when I started to meet men and found out just what idle bastards they can be!

Having just purchased a pressure washer, compared to hoovering it is;

• far less mundane
• far more fun
• totally satisfying
• novel
• not the weekly grind
• much easier for people to notice and go ‘oooo look what you’ve done!’

They are not comparable.

I think lots of people in this thread like to exaggerate . Hubby was divorced from his ex and had the kids a half the time , took them to school etc , all the same jobs she did or more since she is not exactly a caring mother and very self centered .
Now I agree I have most of the mental load and hubby has the more physical jobs .But shouldn’t all couple have strengths and weaknesses ? I’m more academic so anything relating to financial , children or future stuff or paper stuff tends to be dealt by me . In fact I think most women I know are considerably more intelligent and capable in that sense and better decision makers than men anyway so personally I wouldn’t like to pass on that mental load as I need my say in it . So it’s only logical he gets the jobs I don’t like , in our case bins ( and yes it’s annoying job as we are half a mile from the bins so it’s a pain to take them. In the car ) , doing the dishes and folding the kids clothes , dressing by the kids and any car cleaning . We share most if the others although I cook more often because I’m not keen on his cooking.
I honestly don’t think men are not capable , they just choose or don’t need to do them . They are indeed more opportunistic than women in my experience but list of women here seem to enable that too . Just give them a kick up the arse and let them fail until they learn

Think I might start a ‘Ladies who love to pressure wash group’. Looks like we would have a lot of members!!