AIBU - motherhood has ruined men for me

[Bettercallsaul2024]

I expect I am being unreasonable but since becoming a mum I have gone off men.

I had always adored men but now I see an incompetence I can’t get past. My husband is an ICU consultant - can handle huge pressure and stress but can’t be trusted to pack a fucking bag for a day to the zoo. He can handle the resuscitation of a child but can’t cope when OUR child has a tantrum. (I too am a hospital doctor so feel like I can make the comparison, and I do appreciate the workload of his job). He would never cope being up all night with our ill child yet can do nightshifts in ICU - I don’t get it?!

and it’s not ‘just’ him. I now see it everywhere. All the men in my family, though lovely, have so much less expected of them. Seen as great dads when they take the kids swimming despite the women doing all the parenting the rest of the week plus having a job/career.

sometimes I say to my mum - how are men able to organise complex things like war when they can’t do the sainsburys food shop without ringing their partner at least twice. She reasons that it’s because men usually only have one task to focus on at a time and so can do it well - behind the scenes women are doing EVERYTHING else.

I find myself unattracted to my husband but also all men really. At the park I see dads standing on their phones, getting cross and stressed when their kids are upset after a grazed knee. It’s so ugly to me!

I KNOW I am being unreasonable. But do others feel this way? I know not ALL men. It just so happens it’s ALL men I’ve ever interacted with

YABU: this is a DH thing. Men are just as wonderful as women

YANBU: men wouldn’t last one day as mothers

Well, it's just so satisfying isn't it? I also like mowing the lawn.

It was me who posted the words in bold and I stand by them. I am blissfully single these days and mow my own lawn, take out the bins, keep a pretty big garden under control (until divorce is complete when we will relocate to smaller garden), do the weeding, raking, planting, tip runs and some basic DIY. I also pressure wash the patio and I enjoy it, I'd love to do more DIY but need to skill up. I also do it more quickly and with less huffing then STBEXH did.

Oh God the huffing and drama when a man does DIY( or builds flat pack furniture)
DP built a flat pack desk for me and was outraged when he had almost finished and was missing one part… I would have counted the pieces against the instructions before I began like my dad always told me 😬See also being lost and asking directions.. !

Hear hear! There are a couple of strategically-incompetent-with-admin senior men in my organisation.. I assume it is no coincidence that one of them's wife left him as soon as the kids were finished with school.

But they arrange wars very badly, on the whole . What’s that saying ‘No plan survives first contact with the enemy’ ? It’s repeated endlessly, proudly, by generals and War ministers. They don’t seem to think for a minute ‘So does that mean we are BAD PLANNERS? ‘. Nope, that’s just how war is…..

I totally agree.
I'm always saying how dh does almost everything (you know that advert with the "magic basket".and "magic table"? DH is usually the magic basket.)
But we go out for the day and he can't work out how to pack the bag for lunch and what to put in it for 3 people.

It's utterly bizarre.

It's literally all men. My husband can take apart a any electrical device like computers, take celling lights out to fix them back together. Build a summerhouse a climbing frame ect. But can't look after the kids for a day or do the dishes or empty out the bins when he is at home. He only cooks but never cleans after himself.

We are both teachers he teaches secondary computer science while I teach in EYFS primary school. He just has to deal with cheeky behaviour of the kids that adore him. While I'm expected to handle 4-5 year olds tantrums, change nappies, teach kids who have lazy parents how to toilet train! Teach multiple lessons like maths English topic and phonics on top of all that I'm expected to teach 4-5 year olds how to read on a lower salary WTF!???

Women are built stronger I cook clean go to work prepare the kids for school read with the when they are back with a high temperature and on antibiotics. While he has the man flu lying down gaming in the sofa lol.

I had a C section and was left to care for the baby while he was sleeping on the foldable mattress in hospital. So sorry I'm pretty sure I was cut open and stapled back together to have our child and you must be so tired after just holding my hand 👏😂🤷🤦
You are not being unreasonable I think when women look at the bigger picture men are just an extra head ache to deal with like having a extra child to look after. We all prefer a pet cat/dog at least the pet will appreciate you and not complain

I also think it is largely down to just doing one thing at once. My DH wouldn't even try to cope with the humdrum everyday tasks involved in raising children, but was very good at special days out or swimming. Now we are alone again he's taken on more of the household stuff, but only specific things: loading and unloading the dishwasher (but not putting anything except plates or cutlery away), vacuuming (but not under or behind anything, or skirtings).
If he's going out and offers to pick up some shopping for me I have to do an exact detailed list or he will come back with something completely off the wall.

Start making him do things. Sit down and talk with him about how you refuse to be a single married mom. Nip it in the bud now. And if that doesn't work, you can try counseling and see if a professional can make him see the light. Until that time though, I would not have any more children with him. And if a heart to heart and professional help don't work, get rid of the whole man. It is easier to be a single working mom with one kid than a single married mom with several kids.

I have to completely agree. They have no patience with children whatsoever, and if things go to plan and it can feel like having an additional child!!

I don't believe for a second that anyone who's actually pressure washed a large area would say it's easier than hoovering

My house needs hoovering every single day (dogs).
My patio is pressure washed once per year.

Was it physically more challenging for me to get the Kärcher out, connect it and pressure wash everything, as opposed to grabbing the Dyson? A little. But pressure washing once per year is not equivalent to hoovering daily.

But they arrange wars very badly, on the whole . What’s that saying ‘No plan survives first contact with the enemy’ ? It’s repeated endlessly, proudly, by generals and War ministers. They don’t seem to think for a minute ‘So does that mean we are BAD PLANNERS? ‘. Nope, that’s just how war is…..

That would need a level of self-doubt that most men seem to lack. Even when incompetent they always seem to be filled with self-satisfaction and rarely afflicted by crises of confidence.

I agree with your post, especially this bit, ‘I honestly think that dad's are just not mums TBH.’

My children’s dad has always been hands on, always been involved in all things related to the children but some things come to me way more naturally than it does for him.

The craziest thing is, he isn’t even a lazy/shit dad and I still get fed up with the ways in which he handles this thing called life. He just isn’t a mum and that’s that

I think my maternity leave was what did it for us. Whilst I wasn't working I was very happy to do all the domestic, mental load and child tasks. Only since I went back to work, he's got out of the habit of taking any responsibility, for anything. It's been a tough one to crack.

DH is very senior in his organisation but can’t seem to find the washing machine or stack the drainer properly.

He has just graduated to dropping his own shirts at the dry cleaners, so progress 😂🤣😂🤣

Motherhood is breaking the ceiling glass of our memories and experience of the world. Women are experts in doing everything needed and Men excellent to take the credit for 🤣🤣🤣

joke aside, choose your battle, take a deep breath. Things are important to be changed. Not everything. Not at all cost. Also men are only human and probably their ceiling glass much higher and bullet proof… it doesn’t sound great but “start by educating your husband”. He will be the exemple for your children.

hug.
👌🏼

I’ve read this post on the wrong day because I’ve tried to juggle my full time job, then pick the kids up from school, then rush DS to swimming before coming home, making food and getting DD to Brownies.

DH is in the last week of a job he hates, yet is still working overtime rather than help me out.

Tonight I put gammon in the slow cooker, and set a timer so that DH could turn the air fryer on for potatoes. Except he didn’t listen. Didn’t know what the timer was for, and when I got home he had a strop that I hadn’t told him, even though I clearly had. He then proceeded to turn the air fryer on, and I only realised half way through that he had turned on the wrong side (because apparently he didn’t know how to turn the other side on). DD had to rush her food, and she only just got to Brownies on time, while DH took himself off to his office to ‘finish up some work’.

My DH is about to take a very very important job. Something tells me he’ll manage it fine.

And what are the consequences of him being unable to use the washing machine, as distinct from the consequences that would arise from an inability to undertake fundamental operations in his workplace?

100% agree. I was talking to my partner about this recently and he said “I’m just so good at it naturally”, which definitely isn’t the compliment he thinks it is. I don’t have a burning desire to make baby weaning or nap routines my life, I just HAVE to. I’m still breastfeeding so have to do night feeds but he’s never done bed time or given her a bath or made her a meal other than readybrek. I’m fed up of it tbh, I’m going back to work soon so looking forward to getting a bit of my life back outside of home.

It’s taken me 11 years to firstly notice that and then get it to a fair enough place.

Eve Rodesky ‘Fair Play’ helped a lot.

Tell him his penis shouldn’t get in the way of him learning and a uterus and breasts aren’t neural organs in charge of certain knowledge.

I don't agree with you at all, my son has 3 children. He works shifts, he does all the school runs if he is home, he does all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing, gardening. Absolutely everything. I also see other fathers heavily involved too, the only ones that I see that don't have the same involvement is where the mother is a stay at home parent.

Are you sure? My MIL would have said similar about my DH because he talks A LOT about what he does. It’s true that in the last year he has picked up more of the mental load and takes responsibility for more of the domestic stuff. But for years he just looked like he was. I was doing lots of the behind the scenes stuff. He didn’t clean the bathroom for years but went on and on about what he was doing.

Oh and he never finishes the job. There’s always a couple of pots left in the dirty dish water. A room only half cleaned. Etc. I then finish off. So he says I did X but is clueless that I did 30% of that particular job.

Dh once told me he'd cleared out our kitchen drawer...this meant he'd removed every item and left them on the table. That was it.