Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

So you're jealous your daughter has a good relationship with ex's girlfriend and family and is no longer interested in you?
You think the solution is to send her off to boarding school in a another country and break up all those positive relationships and take away any chance of you rebuilding a relationship with her???

Imagine a mother being the residential parent and the dad who barely has a relationship with the child, wants to send them away to a completely different country (where he won’t even be) because he’s jealous his child is getting on with the new bf.

I cannot actually believe what I’m reading.

Lol…stuff like this is what I come to mumsnet for. Uhhhh, yeah, you are BU

There is something you are not sharing here OP. And i imagine the "something" is not going to show you in a good light. Why does your daughter not want a relationship with you? I loathe the fact you keep mentioning her hormones. It's so sexist to blame any behaviours a woman or girl does that you don't like on hormones. It is also very unusual for a child to not want to live with their mother. Happened in my family because my SIL was an alcoholic so my brother was resident parent.

Your way of phrasing things is odd - like you are talking about another adult instead of a child.

I hate the term "send them away to boarding school". That's when things and relationships can go wrong.
"DC wants to go to boarding school and we support them" is when boarding can be a positive experience.
Just talk to your DD.

I questioned that when I wrote it: I left it in because sadly that is how most kids feel (and how this looks)
Ultimately they are being sent away and the parents often have reasons they can justify to themselves
If its a different situation than this looks (and we are only looking in, there are some brutal comments on here and I can't imagine OP feels very supported at all) then we might be using different terms

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs

As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

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My DH has been in the armed forces 22 years.

I didn't want my kids changing schools (now 12 and 14) or to board even though his work pay 90% of the fees. I just stayed in one place and he came and went.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice your career for the kids.

Let’s hope your DD’s father can put the best interests of your daughter first and isn’t silly enough to send her away to boarding school. Her wants actually count and if you do this she will never forgive you and you won’t ever deserve it. It will be entirely of your own making. Someone needs to be looking out for her because it’s certainly not her mother.

@ChaosAndCrumbs Excellent post. Truly insightful.

Also I how will moving her to England help? You won't be there.

She's probably grateful for a stable family life. What has dd and your ex said?

What I failed to explain is that while it is a boarding school it’s also a stones throw from lots of my family so she’d be with them a lot. It’s where I hope to resettle too before too long so it will be home.

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Plus she clearly doesn't want to live with you even when / if you move to England.

You seem to be putting your focus externally on your dd and the other people around her and other factors you can control. IMO, and I do mean this kindly, you need to look at yourself and your relationship with your dd and where the issues lie there. Stop focusing on your ex, his gf and thoughts of moving her abroad to boarding school. If you continue down this road all you will achieve is to alienate her further.

I know she’d love it there

You can't possibly know that. Loads of children hate boarding. She might also find it lonely being in Spain for the long holidays without friends around.

OP- why is England her home when she lives in Spain ?

I think that you need to discuss the UK boarding school angle with dd and your ex. Your dd is resident in Spain(and has Spanish nationality?) so you can’t take her back to the UK without his agreement or it becomes abduction.

Your initial post makes it sound like dd is happiest with her father and his gf although your later posts contradict this impression. Is it a case of her being less unhappy at dad’s ?

@Kira4

Would a nice boarding school in Spain be an alternative option?

That particular option would enable her to be that little bit closer to you and your ex and his partner.

Boarding in a caring and supportive school could be the boost she needs at a time when it sounds as though she has been through quite a lot.

Although I don't know this school personally, it does look very nice and I was wondering whether it would be an option for you.

https://www.madrid-soto.kingscollegeschools.org/en/our-school/academic-results

Why does she need to go toi boarding school at all?

Cos Mum has a chip on her shoulder about Dad but doesn't actually want to parent.

If my 11 year old didn't want to live with me I don't know how I'd live day to day.

When my ex and I separated I was horrified by how much my children liked him. That was because I just viewed my relationship with him rather than really taking into account their relationship with him. Somehow I think I just thought they would much prefer me. And it was very upsetting when they didn't. The only advice I can offer is to keep on doing what you are doing. Making yourself available, being supportive, hanging in there. Things do change over time. Your daughter isn't very old really, she's only eleven. Children of that age are very good at projecting being older but she has only been alive for eleven years which is hardly any time at all. Try planning one thing a month, something she and your other children will really love, cinema, theatre or whatever it is and take it from there. I wouldn't send her away to school because that's maybe how she would interpret it, another upheaval.

Is there a point to this comment? What are you implying OP should do?

The part that seems to be missing here is what DD wants…. Does she get no say in what happens to her? Her whole life turned upside down by divorce and now she’s chosen to stay with her dad and found friendship with his new girlfriend and you want to take her away from all that?

Your plans to move her are absolutely crazy and I feel so sorry for her.

Your vision is that she will be happiest with your family, living in England but that does not sound like her vision and I'm struggling to understand why/how you have reached that conclusion, when it’s clearly so at odds with what she wants.

She was asked what she wanted and she chose to stay with her dad. I would respect that decision and leave her alone.

If you force her to move there will be no relationship at all…

The members of my family who really thrived at boarding school went when they were 13 or 14. The ones who went earlier struggled. I think a year or two, which is what you already had in mind would be better. Don't use boarding school to address a different problem.

As long as this woman isn't over stepping the mark and respects you, I think the more positive relationships girls have in their lives the better. Step parents have such a hard time striking the right balance. It sound like your daughter has had a turbulent time with moves and your relationship breaking down and she is currently in a happy, stable place. Could you plan some special things to help the two of you bond? Although boarding school might give the separation from this woman that you want, it won't make your relationship stronger with your daughter.

Only you won’t end up there as a we because she’s made the choice to be with her dad. This honestly sounds spiteful. That you want to pack your child off because you’re jealous.

@TeaKitten

For starters not send her to boarding school in a different country.

Firstly I’m unsure why you don’t know how often the gf stays with your ex. That would have been my first question if my child moved in. It seems your daughter had attachment issues. Maybe due to moving areas changing schools previously. It is normal for children to take their anger out on those closest to them. Which may be you. If you can’t see her at weekends then I think I would arrange for her to stay with you during the week. I would forget the boarding school and work on building your relationship. She has been through a lot of change and sounds hurt. Sending her away is another change.