To keep son off on sports day

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Hi, after some opinions please as I’m unsure what to do. My son is 6 nearly 7. He has autism and hates sports day. He’s not sporty and comes last in most races. I know somebody has to come last but he won’t accept it. The last few years has been horrible to watch. He gets upsets during and after the race. I’ve had to attend to him multiple times to reassure and calm him down during the events. He suffers with anxiety and gets so worked up about it. I swore last year I wouldn’t send him on sports day this year as it’s not kind for him to experience and as a parents it’s not nice seeing your child like that. but now it’s coming around again I don’t know what to do. I understand we teach our children it’s not about winning but the taking part, but no matter how much I say this to him, he cannot comprehend it as part of his autism. Would I be unreasonable to keep him off and say he’s unwell? Or am I making a rod for my own back?

We used to take AUDHD DS to Legoland on Sports Day! He's now in Y6 and has joined in since Y4 - his choice.

There are some things in life that are not worth the anxiety they cause, and if Sports Day is one of those things for your autistic DS then there is no point attending.

Fortunately they don’t seem to have them in high school.

OP, my biggest regret re. the school years is not keeping DS2 off on sports day. I took the view that, like me, he needed to know that other kids do well in non academic subjects and it’s fine to not win and to value taking part. What an idiot I was. He learned nothing from it at all. He just got mercilessly teased for being near the bottom and he couldn’t cope with that at all. It was fine in reception and Y1, but awful years 2-4. If I could go back in time he would have been kept off for sports day.

Also it’s supposed to be sodding fun not something that literally scars you for life!

Definitely. I'm NT, but loathed sports day to the point of being sick with nerves in the run up to my annual humiliation. Coming last in every event to the ill concealed irritation of my team mates, and the well meant but excruciating patronising from adults did not do a single thing to benefit my character or resilience. The impact was entirely negative, and caused me to avoid physical activity until well into adulthood, believing I wasn't capable of it. As long as your DS has excercise built into his life in other ways, there is no benefit to a school sports day that could outweigh the negatives for him.

Yeah I’m usually the ultimate swotty rule follower but glad I went renegade on sports day.

In your situation I would keep him off. My girl (5) is usually one of the last at the race because she is busy waiting for her friends...we cheer them along, not just our kids, but those in other races. But parents´only attend the last race, not the rest of the activities. I think that makes it more relaxed for the kids.

Could you do your own mini sports day with him at home, 10 lengths of the garden, 10 star jumps, bean bag throw, egg and spoon race, etc, for sporty fun without the stress of schools sports day.

I'll never forget watching my (suspected) autistic 7 year old at Sports Day 2 years ago, separated from the parents' side by the races, grimacing and hunched over with his hands over his ears at all the noise, and being unable to go and help him. (Someone did give him some ear defenders after a couple of hours 🙄). Then last year he wanted to participate, but came last in the running race. Think he'll be strategically ill this year, and we'll have a nice day out.

YANBU.

I was the academic kid who hated sports day and never won a medal, even in a relay. But I was also robust enough to cope with an unpleasant day and so it was right that I went along.

It's too much for your wee boy. I'd keep him off, there's no good in going by the sounds of things.

I'd keep him off it is was me. Like others have said, if he was NT and just didn't like it then no. But he's not, it would be cruel to make him do it again. Could school not find him another 'job' to do on sports day? Could he hand out medals or help a teacher carry the first aid kit or water bottles?

If he gets that distressed you would like to think that school would make an adjustment for that.

Yes, go for a nice day out instead. Don’t pretend he’s ill: tell the truth, it’s too distressing for him.

If you need help wording it to school it does sound very much like rejection sensitive dysphoria which is very much part of autism.

Being perceived, being criticised, or being seen fail can cause extreme emotional outbursts and can be really damaging to mental health.

The school should be aware of the frequently trotted out research that kids by the age of 10 who are autistic experience thousands more traumatic events from having unmet needs than neurotypical children, and they should be cooperative in ensuring that this isn't one of those events for your son.

Definitely keep him off.

My second Dd was also rubbish at athletics but genuinely didn’t care and would make Daisy chains and stare into space and come last and not give a stuff. Whilst dd1 would be mortified and would burn with shame at coming last. So it depends on the personality of the child.

Keep him off. It's taken me till secondary school to realise that some things just aren't worth the pain of pushing my autistic child to do something they really can't tolerate. Despite what her teachers said. She hasn't gained anything from these experiences - just learnt that her feelings/needs don't matter and the need to mask/fit in. Of course ND kids can't opt out of everything uncomfortable but there are definitely times when it's really important to listen to them and act for them/advocate for them. Sounds like sports day is one of these times for your child.

Another vote for keeping him off. I've got 3 kids with ASD, 2 of them are school age. Haven't done sports day for the last 3 years. It's not worth the upset, anxiety, or meltdowns. I only wish we'd stopped it sooner. We go out for the day instead. We're going to the science centre this time as there's rain forecast on the day.

Keep him off. Don't even think about it! There are better ways to show resilience. These posts come around annually - it's a big stressor for some kids.

It’s an all day thing they have to sit outside in the heat from 9.30 until 3.20

Keep him off it's far to much for him. I used to hate sports day as a child as it felt like it was only fun for kids who were good runners which as a chronic asthmatic I am not. They seem quite an outdated concept to me in some ways.

I am also now the mum of an autistic child who struggled with sports day but had PSA support. He now enjoys sports day but is naturally athletic.

Will the school not offer any accommodation like him getting involved in timing or setting up courses? Is there not a support staff member with ND pupils? I’d ask this first (unless you know the school won’t help) and if not I’d keep him off but don’t lie and say he’s sick, just say the day is not appropriate for him.

Absolutely this. He needs to learn, as far as he can, strategies to manage daily living. Being forced to publicly participate in activities you are crap at, in a sensory environment you hate, is not something anyone has to do as an adult.

OP, he has years to learn how to deal with not winning. And he can do that in an environment in which he feels safe. Losing games at home with his family is how he learns, not publicly at sports day.

I'm NT but was terrible at sports due to a congenital joint condition. It was difficult enough for me to walk in a straight line as a child, let alone run a race. I'm annoyed I was made to participate when I would come dead last, by a long stretch, every time. It didn't teach me anything about people having different strengths, it just taught me I was bad a sports and put me off trying them as a teen and young adult. It took me ages to find ways to incorporate being active into my life.

Yes, this is the point. It was good for me to do it - I coped fine with it and DS1 loved it. I should have kept DS2 off for about three of them. It did him no good at all.

I agree with the other posters - keep him off.

Sports day was a yearly ordeal for me, I hated it and it was miserable always coming last - didn’t teach me a bloody thing. When I got to secondary I just refused to participate. There was nothing good about it for me.

You’d never get “let’s all do a piece of writing and read it out in front of everyone to see whose is the best” would you? Dd1 would have aced that.

I wouldn't make him do it either. Either tell school he isn't going to participate and you will keep him at home instead or watch as a spectator or keep him off sick if you think that honesty wouldn't go down well. But IMO there are no lessons to be learned from humiliation.