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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep son off on sports day

104 replies

Hiccups1 · 12/05/2024 20:55

Hi, after some opinions please as I’m unsure what to do. My son is 6 nearly 7. He has autism and hates sports day. He’s not sporty and comes last in most races. I know somebody has to come last but he won’t accept it. The last few years has been horrible to watch. He gets upsets during and after the race. I’ve had to attend to him multiple times to reassure and calm him down during the events. He suffers with anxiety and gets so worked up about it. I swore last year I wouldn’t send him on sports day this year as it’s not kind for him to experience and as a parents it’s not nice seeing your child like that. but now it’s coming around again I don’t know what to do. I understand we teach our children it’s not about winning but the taking part, but no matter how much I say this to him, he cannot comprehend it as part of his autism. Would I be unreasonable to keep him off and say he’s unwell? Or am I making a rod for my own back?

OP posts:
hot2trotter · 12/05/2024 21:19

My 9 year old daughter has suspected ASD (awaiting assessment) and has never been able to take part in sports day - she has been incredibly distressed each time. After the first two years, they finally noticed this wasn't just simple nerves - they know this is how she is. It took so long as she usually masks so well at school, but things like sports days, concerts, nativities etc are where she cannot hide it at school anymore. The teachers have been amazing with her every year since then and have got her to help out with taking photos, moving equipment around etc - so she's still there and can choose to take part at any time (she never will).

HeartbreakerEyes · 12/05/2024 21:20

Don’t send him.

I did the same. After a few sports days, it became obvious that it wasn’t a suitable event for my child to be at.

cadburyegg · 12/05/2024 21:21

YANBU.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 12/05/2024 21:23

Keep him off and tell the school why you are doing it. Tell them they aren't supporting his needs. Have a nice day doing something he will enjoy.

PrincessOlga · 12/05/2024 21:24

Keep him off. You never know, when he grows older, there may well be a sport which he excels at. But that is only apparent from the age of around ten and upwards. At his age, sports day is such an unimportant thing, that I definitely think the advantages outweigh any supposed disadvantages. Keep him off and do something really nice that he likes: he will love you all the more for it and will remember this for a long time.

Createausername1970 · 12/05/2024 21:31

Adding my voice to the rest.

Keep him off and do something he enjoys.

CrispieCake · 12/05/2024 23:31

I would speak to the school. I can't believe kids nowadays are still having to deal with this shit.

Sports day should be a fun, inclusive active day hopefully enjoying the sunny weather outside. You shouldn't have to keep your son off, the school should make reasonable adjustments to come up with a role (helper, whatever) so he can be part of the day in a way he can cope with.

Guavafish1 · 12/05/2024 23:36

I would encourage him to attend.

I was rubbish runner, but I still ran despite coming last. I just remember help my team win... as so many people dropped out I came third (only 3 ran).

SuffolkUnicorn · 12/05/2024 23:42

Same here he’s 8 and autistic plus it will be his birthday that day I’m keeping him off he doesn’t enjoy it and excels in all his other subjects I’m not bothered about him missing one day of sports that he hates

SuffolkUnicorn · 12/05/2024 23:43

He participated in sports day two years ago badly organised children had no water I suggested I go and buy some from the shop I was told no kids left out in the sun even though they had gazebos up plus my son ended up having a meltdown no thanks he’s not participating this year

MrsAvocet · 12/05/2024 23:44

Have you spoken to the school?
I completely understand why you want to protect him from what sounds like a really unpleasant and stressful experience but whilst keeping him at home this year is a good short term solution, you're probably going to face this type of issue on numerous occasions so is it worth trying to look for some longer term strategies? Can they make some adjustments to the activities or involve him in a different way?

DramaAlpaca · 13/05/2024 00:53

My quirky, totally uncoordinated, unsporty DS hated sports day, but managed it by making it his ambition not to come last. Occasionally, when he really couldn't cope, I'd let him take the day off. I didn't feel the slightest bit of guilt about it either.

OP, I vote you let him stay at home.

IdaPolly · 13/05/2024 00:56

I'd keep him off

Inspireme2 · 13/05/2024 01:04

Off.
I wouldn't say he is sick.
If you can ever suggest an alternative for other children with the teacher or school, do so.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/05/2024 03:43

Keep him off, do something constructive instead.

And brace yourself for the incoming hoardes of sporty types who will bash on about sports day building resilience and how you're going to create life long issues if you do not force your child to suffer the horrendous distress, humiliation and general misery that some of us can still remember 40+ years down the line.

Cos they will come. I can see them now, in their sweaty little P.E. kits, hurtling round the track... things go all wibbly wobbly and suddenly its 1984 again...

Noras · 13/05/2024 05:24

We participated in one sports day and my son had to be helped into the sack for the sack race by 2 girls ( organised by the school) and came last by a huge amount with everyone calling out his name as he finished. Senior school just allowed us to have the day off and we would spend it by the DL outdoor pool reading books and relaxing as it was a school day so only adults around. He did more sports / swimming on that day than in sports day.

rwalker · 13/05/2024 05:28

Speak to the school could they include him in a helper/marshalling type of role rather than actually taking part
if not keep him off

CroccyWoccy · 13/05/2024 05:48

Have you spoken to the school about it? I wouldn’t be averse to keeping him off school for the day if needed, I would make this Plan A being for the school to make adjustments for him (as others have said a non-competitive role, or to keep him back in the school for some quiet activities).

While taking him out for the day is an option, it’s important to advocate for him and the school to meet his needs - being of the mindset that the only options on the table are are to fit in or opt out isn’t helpful long term for your son or the school.

BCBird · 13/05/2024 05:48

Are yiu then.prepared to do this every sports day? Is there a 'job' he could be chosen to assist with instead of taking part?

madnessitellyou · 13/05/2024 06:30

See if the school will let him have a helper-type role. If not, keep him off.

My dc hated sports day and in fact they eventually did allow dd2 to be a helper.

I know it's all about sporty, perhaps non-academic kids getting "their chance to shine" but under no circumstances would you make a child who is tone deaf sing a solo in front of their peers and all the parents.

Westfacing · 13/05/2024 07:00

I agree with speaking to the school to see if he could have a helper role rather than take part in the races.

My sons' school had 'Field Day' and much of the afternoon was a series of displays e.g. aerobics to music waving pom poms, exercises on the vaulting horse, a few competitive races, twirling ribbons, and general physical displays of this and that.

Everyone had the chance to participate and not be humiliated.

StormySam · 13/05/2024 07:09

I have autistic kids and would keep him off. If it's a traditional sports day it's a really noisy crowded stressful environment.
Luckily my kids primary always do a soft sports day where you just watch your child trying different activities and have to take a morning off work to see them have a go at walking on a balance beam 🤷‍♀️

liveforsummer · 13/05/2024 07:11

It's one day of the school year and he's not missing any learning. He's probably never going to love competitive sport of the type done on sports day and that's ok. Certainly not something it's important to learn to suck up. He'll experience not coming first in many other walks of life. Ok to avoid this one that will just cause distress multiple times. Enjoy your day. Maybe you could use it to do something active he does or might love - swimming, climbing, horse riding

123sunshine · 13/05/2024 07:16

After a couple of very unsuccessful sports days when I was a child where I came last at everything and hated it, my mum used to let me have it off, I was that chubby kid and frankly it was just mortifying for me and her. I have grown in to very resilient well wounded grown up, so missing it didn’t do me any harm. My own kids used to do sports day, there weren’t always huge fans, but made it through. It depends on the kids and the circumstances, but as a mum you know what’s best for your child. If my kids had found it upsetting as I did as a child I wouldn’t hesitate to keep them off. I wouldn’t bother to try and get the school to make allowances, just keep them off.

Damnyourheadshoulderskneesandtoes · 13/05/2024 07:18

His entire life is about building resilience in a way that parents of children without differences will never understand. So he can skip this particular lesson, because as you know, he faces plenty more of them every single day.