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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Otherhalf asking parents to temporarily move in?

87 replies

Fafreak · 12/05/2024 19:59

My SO's mom has been poorly on and off for the last year and they have been struggling recently as his dad is not very mobile. He has been off to see them over the weekend and has just announced that he offered them to come and live with us whilst mom is poorly without even considering consulting me first. I am a Childminder and work from home and this would be a very difficult scenario.
Leaving aside all the admin, and rigmarole I would need to do for work, i think this is extremely unfair on me to be put on the spot like that, considering I would be the one taking care of them if they did agree. AiBU for being annoyed that he didn't check with me first. He thinks so and is now really annoyed with me for being upset. I would probably have agreed and made it work somehow if he had asked me before offering it, but the way he has done it just shows that he has no respect or considerationfor me or my work and i now do not want to agree.

OP posts:
LizardOfOz · 12/05/2024 20:01

Have you asked him if work are happy for him to take a leave of absence until (whenever) to care for his parents? Or if they are happy to be DBS checked as you have children in the house all day?

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 12/05/2024 20:01

Why would it be you providing care for your boyfriends parents? Choose not to.
If he moves them in, he must provide all care and facilitate your job. Whose house is it?

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 12/05/2024 20:02

Big fat no from me - he should go and stay with them and do the caring.

WhamBamThankU · 12/05/2024 20:03

Nope. You work at home in a very hands on job. No way.

gamerchick · 12/05/2024 20:03

Ask him how long he's taking off work and if the answer isn't what you want to hear. Tell him to hand fire until you find somewhere to live.

And mean it. This will disrupt your life far more than his.

maddening · 12/05/2024 20:05

Tell.him he should move in with them rather than the other way round - particularly because of your business.

Or they can rent a 2 bed flat near yours that he can stay in with them

littlefox90 · 12/05/2024 20:05

I would be raising the additional questions, and maybe just saying you would have appreciated being involved in the decision; however, I wouldn't expect my partner to be bothered about my parents moving in if they needed to as I'm very close with them. He isn't close to his but I would still say yes if they needed us as theyre family.

Overthebow · 12/05/2024 20:05

It’s not going to work if you’re a childminder is it? Where will they go during the day when children are there? Will they be having a dbs check?

Original poster
Fafreak · 12/05/2024 20:05

Both of Ours. He has assumed it is me as I am already home and is partly upset that I am not willing to drop everything to do it.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 12/05/2024 20:07

Has he now. Well he's got a bit of a shock coming then hasn't he?

Bambinomino · 12/05/2024 20:07

NO WAY.

If they're struggling he can move in with them to help them.

NoCloudsAllowed · 12/05/2024 20:09

It's not going to be in anyone's best interest. Parents will be annoyed by kids making noise etc. kids will have less space. You'll be driven crazy.

If you're actually caring for them, that puts your childmindees at risk. Possibly also your insurance. If you're bringing something to his mum and your childmindee gets injured/runs off etc, where would you be?

He needs to find a better solution that doesn't involve you providing care.

Tumbler2121 · 12/05/2024 20:10

Unless things have changed from situations I have been aware of, taking them in for a while will possibly make it much more difficult for them to get help at home, it could be assumed that family are always at hand and no extra help is needed.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/05/2024 20:11

He assuming you’ll be happy for them to move in and is assuming you’ll be looking after them?

That’s a lot of assuming. He’s being the wonderful son by offering an amazing solution whereby they do t happy to worry any more as they’ll be cared for, but not appreciating that he’s offering your services not his!

OmuraWhale · 12/05/2024 20:11

Ask him how he'd feel if you suggested your parents move in and he cared for them. I'm guessing he wouldn't be too happy?

Stand firm OP. It's completely unreasonable for him to expect this.

Riverlee · 12/05/2024 20:13

You have a job. You’re a child minder.

Have you asked him how he’s going to care for them?

autumn1610 · 12/05/2024 20:15

Surely if they are around in the day they need DBS checking if near the children. How can you look after them in the day when you are being paid to look after someone’s children who need constant supervision. What answers has he come up with?

Original poster
Fafreak · 12/05/2024 20:20

They have to have DBS checks or I can't have the children. Plus the house isn't that big so we would need to re arrange everything to acomodate them which is not something that can be done with a click of the finger as well as getting furniture for them. Can't have elderly people sleeping on a sofa bed in my office. And there is also the possibility of my families not agreeing so loss of Income to be added to that. Its just not something that can be decided on a whim without any discussion. I get on ok with his parents (dad can be overwhelming sometimes)
I am not heartless but it is too big a decision to make without a discussion. I would never dream of doing that without discussing it first.

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 12/05/2024 20:20

Totally incompatible with your job. Does he not see your job as a proper business but rather something to keep you busy until he comes home? The DBS issue helps here too. Of course you will support him going to stay with them and maybe if his job is suitable he can talk to his work and wfh.

2Old2Tango · 12/05/2024 20:21

Surely you can't care for them and do your job effectively. If you were minding my young child I'd be concerned if I learned you had parents moving in who required care from you.

As others have said, it's bad enough he offered without consulting you, but to assume you'll do the caring too is a step too far. My husband always assumed that because I was wfh I could do everything house related "because I was there". Used to really piss me off.

Don't be steamrolled or guilted into doing this OP.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/05/2024 20:23

You need to say no-you can’t care for them plus work at home, it’s impossible. How old are they? What’s wrong with them? Might they move in and not ever leave?

Bumblebeeinatree · 12/05/2024 20:24

If you would have done it if he had asked and I guess he knew you would why is it suddenly a big deal. Seems like he knows you well.

WhenWillTheSunShineIWonder · 12/05/2024 20:27

Nip this in the bud - it sounds completely unworkable. He needs to go there and provide the care himself or do what other people do - employ carers. Absolutely do NOT agree to this.

Octavia64 · 12/05/2024 20:29

Don't see how this can work.

You have a business you run from home which is not compatible with taking care of elderly people.

I would ask what is he expecting but I think he probably doesn't care.

ElaineSqueaks · 12/05/2024 20:30

This is a plan with so many flaws it's laughable.

And also insulting to you that he you could and should look after his parents while you are working.

Why doesn't he take them with him to work?

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