Fallen out with friend on holiday

[RichTea90]

I went away this weekend with my friend. I was already feeling a little anxious on the run up to it.

It was a girl’s weekend, and she proposed it as an early bday celebration for me as it’s my birthday this month. She’s newly married. She suggested it as her husband is in a band and played here while we were away. I had my suspicions that maybe she’d suggested this destination so she could tie in seeing her husband play but I thought hey what there’s nothing wrong with killing two birds with one stone I guess.

While we were away, she was incredibly flirty with lots of men - to the point it made me feel really uncomfortable. She gets lots of attention when we go out. On the second night out, she was getting lots of attention as always when one bloke approached the other guy we were chatting to and said “Which one do you prefer?” My friend started laughing and found it hilarious. I did not. I would rather not be objectified and treated like a piece of meat?! It was about 2am at this point and I just wanted to go to sleep. I told my friend I’d like to leave. When the guys asked why, she told them it was because I was tired. So I kind of felt blamed there and framed like a killjoy. Upon leaving the bar my friend said “hahaha isn’t it funny how that guy asked him which one do you prefer?” I gave my friend a scathing look and walked away as I needed space. She was completely unable to pick up that I was upset. When we returned to our room, she lost it with me and told “it’s always about you!” “I’ve been pandering to you this whole trip.” Which I completely don’t understand how considering everything we’ve done has been her idea, and we’d done nothing I wanted to do. I felt like I’d been dragged along to see her husband play and was then subjected to feeling bad at the bar while she flirted with lots of men.

She's newly and unhappily married. Or she already knows her husband is cheating on her with "fans" so she wants random men chasing her.

Where is the big mystery?

At no point do you mention the husband?

Seriously - newly married - going to where husband is playing - why are you not meeting up with husband?

Your friend is an idiot and probably going through trauma. If that was me, when I got married and even now - if my husband was playing somewhere, I'd be so super-excited to meet up. He would be so super-excited to show off his new wife. He'd treasure her as the person he is going to share a lifetime with. Or he'd go to great lengths to protect her from his lecherous bandmates.

But you and she were flirting and subject to lecherous drunken men.

None of whom had any direct connection to her husband.

Are you sure she's married? Did you go to the wedding? Do you like the husband?

Do you need new friends?

But flirting is subjective. Getting on and laughing with men you have just met could be considered flirting by some, not by others.

You would end friendships for this? Lordy

I’d feel furious and used if my friend treated me like that. I’m glad you had the guts to change your room and flights. Surely she knew you enough to know that late nights pulling men was not what you were going for? And had this got anything to do with the husbands gig? And hearing men in your company refer to you like that is humiliating, that she doesn’t find it so is very embarrassing.

Yes, I would. I'm not friends with slags.

@MsLuxLisbon and the misogynist award goes to you 🏆

And today's "Misogyny Award" goes to @Hmm1234 !

Change the record fgs

Edit - Sorry @spannered I posted before I realised you had already given the award 😂 (got distracted and was slow to post!)

While I wouldn’t call her this. This is no way to treat a friend.

I ended the friendship for several reasons. The fact I was used for this trip. The fact that I wasn’t really considered. How I was treated when I was upset, lack of understanding.

We met with the husband on the 2nd day. She wanted to meet him for a drink after they set up, and then she rushed me to the venue later so we could be right at the front of the gig when they played.

I just get the impression that she was keeping an eye on him. He’s known to get really drunk after gigs and he was the one who was gloating to her the night before about how many women chatted him up when they played somewhere else.

she very well could be unhappily married….

yes they’re married, I went to her wedding last year… I am not particularly keen on her husband but I respected her choice to marry him

Another one who doesn’t get what your friend did wrong ?

her crimes seem to be: saying you want go to bed because you are tired ? finding something funny that you didn’t find funny? And having a flirt when she’s 😱 married.

You sound moody and judgemental. Your friend sounds like she was just trying to have fun on holiday . Fair enough if you aren’t enjoying yourself, but no need to take that out on her/ project your mood onto someone else. Theres nothing worse than a moody travel buddy .

Sorry but I have feelings too - I’m not sure why that makes me moody and judgemental?!

I wouldn’t want to be friends with you 😂

Friends support each other and care about one another’s feelings. If she wanted to have fun on holiday like the way she did, perhaps she should’ve traveled alone.

I hope you are home now and shame about your birthday weekend not being great. I think that she is a bit insecure about her husband doing gigs abroad and likes to be chatted up to make herself feel desirable. We all know the type. Give her a wide berth in the future.

Sorry but I have feelings too - I’m not sure why that makes me moody and judgemental?!

because your feelings seem to have been feeling moody with her and judgemental about her behaviour (eg the way she was talking to men).

she’s not responsible for your feelings and you have no reason to take them out on her.

again what were her crimes against you?

• stating you were tired at 2am when you said you wanted to go to bed
• finding something funny you didn’t find funny
• having fun socialising with some guys (despite being married).

If she wanted to have fun on holiday like the way she did, perhaps she should’ve traveled alone.

why? Presumably she didn’t predict you would be so grumpy ?

I agree. Sounds like you had the arse from the get go. Friend probably reached her limit.

She sounds disgusting OP. Wondr what her husband would think of it

Absolutely fucking vile comment

I always have a really great time when I go away with friends. 🤷‍♀️ That's because we're friends. And our interests and feelings about stuff align.

You thought this was a bit of a birthday weekend. ( It wasn't - though she had a card for you 🙄) She wanted someone along whilst she checked in on her husband.
The whole vibe wasn't working from the off.

You were expecting her to be more considerate and engaging to your feelings. And she was expecting you to want the same as her - front row at the band and lots of flirty male attention.

Neither is 'wrong ' but they don't match up.

You're well out of it.

I think she was wrong to tie it in as anyway connected to your birthday though, as clearly that set up certain expectations in you. Understandably. And unfair when it clearly wasn't about your birthday. ( despite 'having a card' )

She just wanted a side kick so she wasn't on her own.

Sorry i don't think she did much wrong. You knew and agreed that you would go and see her husband's band - if you hadn't wanted to go you could have suggested going somewhere else
I can't work out if she is really "flirty" or not- it is a term used to denigrate women (like slag).
How was she supposed to know the stupid remark offended you - it was addressed at her as much as you - we can't guess what other people find offensive.
Not sure why her going away with you when her husbands not around is evidence of anything other than good planning-(especially as you don't like her husband) and her choices of holidays/activities before do show she is more than just a party girl

Your posts reek of passive aggressiveness - scathing glances ..she's supposed to pick up when you are upset ...
I suspect she also feels that you didn't consider her at all - not sure what you did during the day but at least she told you when you were irritating her!

ending the friendship sounds a good move

This is exactly it!

other people calling me moody and judgemental is out of order if I’m honest… surely you are being judgemental of me with your comments?

we simply didn’t align on this trip… some of her behaviours did evoke annoyance in me and that’s perfectly normal. For instance, I don’t feel she should be flirting with other men when she is newly married.

I am my own person, and so is she. I don’t think she was that considerate of me. I would expect more from a friend. She’s not just an acquaintance, we’ve been friends for years.

Anyway, frankly it’s run its course and I’m glad to be out of it. I have other friends who are much more caring, considerate and collaborative.

Precisely. And that’s where wires got crossed.
had I known this is what she wanted from the get go, I would have politely declined, but she framed it as a girls weekend away to celebrate my birthday.

Because I directly told her that it upset me.

I am not passive aggressive. I was balancing trying to let things go while also trying not to affect the trip for the both of us.

She wanted to go and see his band, she wouldn’t have been open to going anywhere else. I really do think she was checking up on him.

I am also entitled to my own feelings. It became increasingly apparent as time went on that we were not really there for our friendship. I suggested three things that I wanted to do and she turned them down

people calling me moody and judgemental is out of order if I’m honest… surely you are being judgemental of me with your comments

you posted “am I being unreasonable” - asking for feedback! Many of us have read the details and think that, yes, you sound like the unreasonable one. If you didn’t want this imput and you’ve already decided you are right and she is wrong, then don’t ask the question.

@RichTea90 Why on earth did you list on AIBU if you didn't want people's opinions. What did you expect?

There’s a difference between telling someone you think they’re being unreasonable compared to using it as an opportunity to just attack them.

seems a lot of mumsnetters have some aggression issues themselves 😬