Fallen out with friend on holiday

[RichTea90]

I went away this weekend with my friend. I was already feeling a little anxious on the run up to it.

It was a girl’s weekend, and she proposed it as an early bday celebration for me as it’s my birthday this month. She’s newly married. She suggested it as her husband is in a band and played here while we were away. I had my suspicions that maybe she’d suggested this destination so she could tie in seeing her husband play but I thought hey what there’s nothing wrong with killing two birds with one stone I guess.

While we were away, she was incredibly flirty with lots of men - to the point it made me feel really uncomfortable. She gets lots of attention when we go out. On the second night out, she was getting lots of attention as always when one bloke approached the other guy we were chatting to and said “Which one do you prefer?” My friend started laughing and found it hilarious. I did not. I would rather not be objectified and treated like a piece of meat?! It was about 2am at this point and I just wanted to go to sleep. I told my friend I’d like to leave. When the guys asked why, she told them it was because I was tired. So I kind of felt blamed there and framed like a killjoy. Upon leaving the bar my friend said “hahaha isn’t it funny how that guy asked him which one do you prefer?” I gave my friend a scathing look and walked away as I needed space. She was completely unable to pick up that I was upset. When we returned to our room, she lost it with me and told “it’s always about you!” “I’ve been pandering to you this whole trip.” Which I completely don’t understand how considering everything we’ve done has been her idea, and we’d done nothing I wanted to do. I felt like I’d been dragged along to see her husband play and was then subjected to feeling bad at the bar while she flirted with lots of men.

When I say shouting, I mean that I was trying to remain calm and explain how I was feeling and she was shouting over me and getting increasingly aggressive to the point I couldn’t even get a word in edge ways… She wasn’t even willing to listen or consider my point of view. I had to shout back and say you’re not listening to me, and that’s when she picked up the card and threw it at my face. At this point I packed my suitcase and left the room. I had to sit in reception to calm myself down, I was in tears. As I was packing my suitcase, she was getting herself into bed.

I do think she has used my birthday as an excuse to visit her husband and watch him play. Whether that’s to keep an eye on him I don’t know. She invited me on a walking trip abroad last month as her husband was on a motorcycle holiday and last year we went hiking but her husband was on a stag do at the time. I am seeing a pattern here.

If she wants to flirt, that’s her prerogative I guess. If I wanted to go back to our room earlier, perhaps I should’ve just said - but wouldn’t that have meant leaving her out on her own? Maybe she could have met up with her husband. I don’t think her behaviour was appropriate, but again, maybe it’s none of my business! It’s an awkward one!

I agree with this - OP leaving in a huff is ridiculous

@RichTea90
are you objecting to her excessive flirting or to her blowing up when you got back?
I don’t think you have the right to object to the flirting if that’s what she wants to do you’re not her husband or her mum! Of course you also don’t need to maintain the friendship if values are incompatible

But what I want you to explain is what did she mean by she’s spent the whole time pandering to you?
Since you haven’t mentioned this I think you may be oblivious to somethings that you do that are annoying to a holidaymate?

when I've had friends in the past who've been obsessed with flirting & chasing after others in bars, I usually recognise that is there behaviour pattern, limit what time/activities I do with them or drop them - and never let it get to the stage of going away with them.

I think it sounds as if you are incompatible as friends/ holiday companions and you are well out of it. I would not want to watch a married friend, especially recently married, flirt with other men and would probably not continue the friendship. The remark about you feeling tired could well have been nasty if the tone of voice suggested that she was annoyed with you and would have stayed longer otherwise i.e. implying you are a killjoy. The row in the room and card-throwing - well it did not look as though you were going to get a good night’s rest, to say the least, so you were right to walk out!
If she has been relying on you for company whenever her DH is doing something else, do you think she is taking her sense of anger at him out on you?
Sorry your special weekend hasn’t turned out as you hoped. Can you do something as a treat for yourself or with another friend on the day?
Edited for a typo!

@leaflywren why do you find them tough going? I don’t mean that rudely btw just curious. As I usually find friend holidays a good laugh

Oh Dear OP. Do you think your anxiety has made you difficult to go on holiday with and it is, perhaps, something which you don't realise how much it affects other people if you are away with them? Not saying that is the case, but I do feel that your friend's comments “it’s always about you!” “I’ve been pandering to you this whole trip.” are coming from somewhere. It doesn't sound, from what you say that she really did anything wrong ( apart from possibly throwing your card at you). It does sound like there is more to this story, than you have articulated here.

I know someone who is extremely anxious and lacking in self confidence ( there are reasons why this is so) and who constantly demands she gets respect and understanding from others. Which is fine and is her right - the trouble is she is so insistent that people respect her, and how she feels, that she walks all over other people's rights to be accorded the same consideration, very frequently. I'm not saying this is the case for you, I don't know, but could this be part of how you feel?

I remember your previous post about the wedding abroad, too and you mentioned being in therapy. So I hope you can discuss what happened with your therapist and work through with them the whole story.

I wish you well

@RichTea90

She your friend sounds immature demanding very needy and insecure and a proper attention seeking madam to boot,

Another words she is going to be hard work to be around

Step right back from this friendship dynamic

and think 🤔 is this kind of friendship dynamic you want in your life really...

And start creating quality good friendships kind of circle,

I think you've proberly just outgrown and wised up about this kind of friendship dynamic naturally...

Congratulations

Why are people falling over themselves to make excuses for the friend? It was the same nonsense on that thread a little bit ago with the OP whose sister was having an affair and expected the OP to sympathise. People on that thread also accused OP of being a drama queen. I wonder if the people who defend this behaviour are also slutty drama addicts?

OP i'm so impressed that you got a new room and went home early. It took years of bullying for me to distance myself from my narcissistic friend. It doesn't sound to me like you are passive, as some PPs have suggested.

Friends should be equals and in a weekend break discussing with each other what they want to do. It doesn't sounds like too much of that happened since you didn't want to go out late 2 nights running.

It sounds like you did the right thing. I had a friend who used to actively seek out men to flirt with on nights out. It was to the point of looking desperate and it just got boring. Totally different than a little bit of harmless flirting, which many people do.

In my experience (from both sides of the scenario) people whose mental health isn’t robust are very selfish and self absorbed.

We can’t really help it: we’re just don’t have capacity to think about anything other than how we feel.

I think this is me trying to nicely say that your friend’s response, whilst not great, hasn’t come from nowhere.

You do seem to be finding friendships tricky at the moment. Look after yourself. Xx

i am going to get absolutely flamed for this BUT

I had a friend like you. When we were single and went out I did get a lot of male attention, and she didn’t. I didn’t seek it out, granted, but 9/10 our evenings ended with her upset and pissed off because she hasn’t been chatted up. I tried absolutely everything - ignored the guys, tried to get her male attention, suggest we not go out to bars etc.

nothing worked. The bottom line was that, understandably, it made her feel bad about herself that she was not receiving the same level of male attention as me. To me your post sounds like that’s the actual crux of the issue. It’s completely reasonable to be upset about this but it’s not her fault.

i would query if she’s actually flirting and throwing herself at men as you think, or if they are just attracted to her. Obviously she’s married so that’s a different issue but you are the person making this about you/I wonder why she thinks she is pandering. Is she walking on eggshells so you don’t feel left out somehow?

@MsLuxLisbon "Don't you think that a newlywed who likes 'flirting with men in bars' lacks moral compass? If this was a man, everyone would be saying what an awful person he was."

No, not necessarily. This is normal behaviour within the boundaries of some relationships. I'm a newlywed and it certainly isn't how I would act, or how I'd expect my husband to. But their relationship sounds very different to ours, especially with OP's update that her friend was gloating about how many women tried to chat up her husband.

@RichTea90 Seems she only suggests going away either to meet up with her DH or to have someone around when he is not available. So how she is pandering to you when you ended up going to see her DH play on what was meant to be YOUR birthday trip is beyond me. As she wasn’t letting you speak I don’t blame you for saying ‘enough’ and taking yourself out of that situation. I guess the only thing you might have done is say up front, “no I don’t want to watch DH for my weekend, I want to do xyz”. Sounds like you’re well out of it!

Are you a bit jealous of your friend maybe? Sounds like you had a bit of simmering resentment towards her even before the trip. Anyway - if you weren’t having a good time, you did the right thing by leaving. Hopefully you’ll find more compatible friends to holiday with next time.

Yeh I was thinking exactly this and just posted a similar question. I think there’s a little jealousy at play. No one’s fault - it’s just one of those things.

Yes, I wouldn’t like the excess flirting or the comment from the stupid man, but I would have said what the problem was rather than sulking.

Sorry, but I’m actually with your friend on this one… Judging from what you’ve written here, you’re far too passive aggressive.

I gave my friend a scathing look and walked away as I needed space. She was completely unable to pick up that I was upset. When we returned to our room, she lost it with me and told “it’s always about you!” “I’ve been pandering to you this whole trip.” Which I completely don’t understand how considering everything we’ve done has been her idea, and we’d done nothing I wanted to do.

You sound like my very annoying ex friend. ‘Hinting’ and not making any effort to come up with ideas of things to do. Relying on the other person to correctly guess what you want and then going moody when the other person doesn’t realise you’re upset. Ex friend completely ruined our trip to Italy with her moody strops.

Exactly?!

I am not sure what she means that she has to “pander” to me. To be perfectly honest, I think she’s pissed that she had to consider someone else other than herself and because I am a bit different to her in some respects that might be where there was some friction ? I’ve been reflecting on this all day - I have been retracing my steps of the whole trip to the point of rumination and at some stage I’m gonna have to draw a line under it all. She made passive aggressive remarks about me using my phone e.g. texting my fiance (never once phoned him), checking my emails or taking photos, sometimes even of us together! She also seemed pissed off that I wanted to go take a shower on the 2nd day before going back out to see her husband play in the band. And while I was getting ready she rushed me off, and rushed me out while I was drinking my espresso martini at the venue bar so we could be right at the front of the stage 🙁 Again, I am an understandable and considerate friend so I went along with this to appease her (I don’t think this makes me passive! ) but the fact she wanted to stay out longer when I gave her a polite warning around 1:30am ish that I was ready to head back and kept constantly flirting with lots of guys was the final straw for me. And then how she acted in the room.

This was not a birthday weekend for me at all. This was me going along with whatever she wanted. I don’t see how she pandered to me at all.

Sounds like you were a bit sensitive really. You said you wanted to go to sleep but got offended your friend said you were leaving because you were tired.

It was everything together…

So you judge the pair of them for doing their relationship differently to the way you do, you judged her for flirting, you made a fuss about being blamed for being tired when you were tired, you didn't clearly say you wanted to leave earlier or just leave and let her stay out late and you cut off a whole friendship because your friend was having a laugh and you couldn't speak up and say you were ready to go home? You sound like the hard work party here.

Erm, are you forgetting everything else I’ve mentioned in the thread?

it was supposed to be my birthday weekend and she’s made it about her, used it as an excuse to go and see her husband’s band perform, rushed me about, made passive aggressive comments towards me, be insensitive towards me regarding the comment made in the bar and then shouted at me and thrown a birthday card at me 😂

I’ll happily admit where I may have gone wrong (I am not perfect, I am a human too), but I think I’ve been pretty damn patient!

You sound incompatible so good thing you stepped back from the friendship. She wouldn't be my type of person either.

Yes I saw your question and agree.

I think it’s a jealousy issue which is colouring how things are seen.

OP you knew this was a doubling up to see her husband trip and you could have easily said no if this was an issue for you. A lot of the things you’re saying don’t sound like huge issues eg rushing you to drink your drink to get a good seat so I rather think it’s all a bit underlying.