Fallen out with friend on holiday

[RichTea90]

I went away this weekend with my friend. I was already feeling a little anxious on the run up to it.

It was a girl’s weekend, and she proposed it as an early bday celebration for me as it’s my birthday this month. She’s newly married. She suggested it as her husband is in a band and played here while we were away. I had my suspicions that maybe she’d suggested this destination so she could tie in seeing her husband play but I thought hey what there’s nothing wrong with killing two birds with one stone I guess.

While we were away, she was incredibly flirty with lots of men - to the point it made me feel really uncomfortable. She gets lots of attention when we go out. On the second night out, she was getting lots of attention as always when one bloke approached the other guy we were chatting to and said “Which one do you prefer?” My friend started laughing and found it hilarious. I did not. I would rather not be objectified and treated like a piece of meat?! It was about 2am at this point and I just wanted to go to sleep. I told my friend I’d like to leave. When the guys asked why, she told them it was because I was tired. So I kind of felt blamed there and framed like a killjoy. Upon leaving the bar my friend said “hahaha isn’t it funny how that guy asked him which one do you prefer?” I gave my friend a scathing look and walked away as I needed space. She was completely unable to pick up that I was upset. When we returned to our room, she lost it with me and told “it’s always about you!” “I’ve been pandering to you this whole trip.” Which I completely don’t understand how considering everything we’ve done has been her idea, and we’d done nothing I wanted to do. I felt like I’d been dragged along to see her husband play and was then subjected to feeling bad at the bar while she flirted with lots of men.

Why are you searching my previous posts? Feels a bit stalkery.

You’re right.
I am just not interested in that tbh. Each to their own.

How does she sound 'jealous'? And I don't agree that there is nothing wrong with a married person flirting, I'm sorry. I actually find it inappropriate and I would drop any friend of mine who had such poor values and morals.

Because I felt like it, and because often getting a bit of context is helpful. It's allowed and it was in fact helpful here.

In any event, I remain of the view that your friend had done nothing wrong here.

Again, what is this 'you must be jealous' thing it is incredibly boring

I also would love to hear both sides but everytime someone doesn't like something someone does not always make them jealous, I leave that to children to think

I agree. I think it was a complete over reaction by the OP.

Well, thanks for the armchair psychoanalysis. I feel truly enlightened.

Precisely…
but I am starting to learn that that is the kind of relationship that she and her husband have because he was gloating about how many women were chatting him up the night before.
Just not really my kind of people.

I am ok with people disagreeing with me. I started this post to get everyone’s opinion, not everyone has to agree with me. Everyone’s different.

OK, so they’re both fine with flirtation, and talking about those flirtations together — and, presumably, as newly-weds, aren’t in fact angling to have affairs. This is just their modus operandi.

What’s less obvious is why you spent a weekend going along with things your friend wanted to do, and resenting it.

Sounds ghastly. I never understand people who are in that kind of relationship, stay single if you want to flirt! I agree that you are better off without them.

What did you previously like about her and what did you have in common?

I think she wasn't unreasonable wanting to be out past 2. If you're the kind of person who likes to be in bed earlier, you aren't compatible on holiday.

You got annoyed about what the man said, but that wasn't on her. Why didn't you stand up for yourself and say neither of you were available?

Sounds like you weren't on the same page as each other about the holiday, drink was involved which heightened emotions, and you probably don't like each other much anyway.

I read this is you sounding anxious from the get go. She flirted, that's her choice. Someone making a jokey comment isn't a bit deal. When they asked why you were leaving and she said you were tired, I dont see what's wrong with that either. You are both not compatible at all, it sounds like you both like different levels of excitement and energy.

And that’s fair enough, I’ve learnt we are incompatible, particularly on a weekend away together.

think that’s what my anxiety was all about and struggling to know how to assert my boundaries.

however, what is not ok is being screamed at in our hotel room and being told “I’ve had to pander to you the whole trip” and chucking a card in my face. Absolutely not ok. The whole point of being friends is you want to make each other happy. I went to the gig because it made HER happy.

on reflection, she is not my kind of person whatsoever.

The "it's always about you" line is often trotted out by people who can't handle it not always being about them. It's a temper tantrum because they didn't get their own way.

I think stepping away is perfectly right in this case.

I agree it wasn’t a nice birthday weekend for the OP, but I can’t see how you diagnosed all of that from what she’s written here.

Interesting that OP’s friend thought she’d made the weekend all about her too.

I agree none of that behaviour in the room is acceptable. Good you’ve managed to shed her, as you’re not for each other at all.

An expensive lesson, but I hope you can still make something of your birthday 💐

Sounds like she used you for the trip as well have behaved pretty poorly being married. I guess all those saying no harm done are the cool wives ok with their husbands flirting.

Oh, sorry OP, but I've now read your other thread too.
I do think these relationships could be something to discuss with your therapist, whether it's needing to assert your boundaries better, or learning to manage your anxieties within your relationships with others.
I'll bow out now. I'm sorry that your birthday weekend didn't go as well as you hoped.

Precisely. Friend and her husband both sound like try hard, faux sexy bores. I give their marriage about two years.

She likes flirting with men in bars, you don't. She likes staying out till 2am (or longer) every night out, you don't. She thought something was funny, you didn't. This doesn't seem like a huge saga of one person being awful and the other being a victim. You just have different perspectives and expectations. I don't think it has to be the end of a friendship if it's good in other ways! Just don't go on trips with her again.

Because there is an Advanced Search button that allows you to do that and, yes, it gives context.

Was she ‘screaming’ Hammer Horror style? I always wonder when people say that ‘she was screaming…’ or had she just raised her voice, did she aim the card at your face, meaning to hit you with it?? If not, it all sounds exaggerated….

Don't you think that a newlywed who likes 'flirting with men in bars' lacks moral compass? If this was a man, everyone would be saying what an awful person he was.

To me finding people you can travel with are rare. It's hard to find people who do travel the same way.

I think if it was just the single "flirting" and "she's tired" incident in isolation I'd say you were overreacting. I had a friend who would sulk and strop if she thought others in the group were getting more/preferential male attention even though it wasn't being sought. She even did it on my hen night, refusing to go to the next venue as she was "tired". As she was staying at my house we cut the night short and went back.

But with the other context I think she sounds pretty awful (unless you are missing out any key bits). It did sound like she's dressed it up as your birthday treat but she always intended it to be a chance to keep an eye on her husband and show that she can get attention too if she wants. You are just the company that allows that set up. Awful.

Shouting and throwing a birthday card at you is horrible. What did she mean by making it all about you? Was she referring to stuff you haven't mentioned? Or was she insisting she was only there for your birthday and look at all she did for you (get a measly card to prove it)!

If it's the latter then I salute you for leaving and going home. I bet she's not used to people challenging her ways.

Hi @RichTea90 I remember your previous thread about going to friends wedding abroad.
keeping that in mind, I am not sure you have been entirely honest with yourself about how things went wrong in this holiday. as you mentioned, you suffer with severe anxiety and your thought processes and perspective in the previous incident were very much shaped by your anxiety and not entirely rational.
it could be that your friend was truly awful to you (definitely sounds like it from what you have said), however we are only hearing your side of the story.
the one piece of advice I can share (as someone who has pretty bad anxiety myself) is to not dismiss how you feel beforehand. so if you are feeling anxious before going somewhere, instead of dismissing or minimising those feelings, try to think what are the trigger points of those feelings and decide (a) whether to cancel (b) whether to put some firm boundaries in place before agreeing to the event (c) share your concerns honestly with your friend beforehand in order to manage their expectations
also would reccommend solo travel. I find even without the anxiety in play, I just genuinely prefer solo travel unless travelling with one or two very close dear friends who I trust with my life. and no way would I ever consider sharing a room except with a partner. I think if you suffer from anxiety, having your own breathing space is crucial.