Fallen out with friend on holiday

[RichTea90]

I went away this weekend with my friend. I was already feeling a little anxious on the run up to it.

It was a girl’s weekend, and she proposed it as an early bday celebration for me as it’s my birthday this month. She’s newly married. She suggested it as her husband is in a band and played here while we were away. I had my suspicions that maybe she’d suggested this destination so she could tie in seeing her husband play but I thought hey what there’s nothing wrong with killing two birds with one stone I guess.

While we were away, she was incredibly flirty with lots of men - to the point it made me feel really uncomfortable. She gets lots of attention when we go out. On the second night out, she was getting lots of attention as always when one bloke approached the other guy we were chatting to and said “Which one do you prefer?” My friend started laughing and found it hilarious. I did not. I would rather not be objectified and treated like a piece of meat?! It was about 2am at this point and I just wanted to go to sleep. I told my friend I’d like to leave. When the guys asked why, she told them it was because I was tired. So I kind of felt blamed there and framed like a killjoy. Upon leaving the bar my friend said “hahaha isn’t it funny how that guy asked him which one do you prefer?” I gave my friend a scathing look and walked away as I needed space. She was completely unable to pick up that I was upset. When we returned to our room, she lost it with me and told “it’s always about you!” “I’ve been pandering to you this whole trip.” Which I completely don’t understand how considering everything we’ve done has been her idea, and we’d done nothing I wanted to do. I felt like I’d been dragged along to see her husband play and was then subjected to feeling bad at the bar while she flirted with lots of men.

And you sound utterly shit. Exhausting.

The only thing that’s unacceptable is her throwing at birthday card at you.

But, you just sound incompatible friendship-wise.

She seems extroverted, enjoys socialising with groups and late nights. & you seem more introverted and more comfortable with a 1 on 1 setting.

She’s not wrong for a harmless flirt and you’re not wrong for not wanting to be involved and wanting an early night. But your personality types are clashing and on holiday that’s a recipe for disaster.

Do you secretly feel jealous of her marriage? I think she was having harmless fun.

😬

Yeah, I agree!

Lol, no way 😂😂
I am happily engaged to a lovely, lovely man.
being around the two of them did my head in to be fair.

I don’t see why you’re annoyed with her as opposed to being annoyed at the man who asked the ‘flirty’ question. I can’t really see what your friend did wrong or deliberate to upset you tbh. I just think you didn’t want to do the arrangements that were made but didn’t or haven’t admitted that. You could easily have told the man to piss off and you weren’t interested etc. Why didn’t you? Her saying you were tired sounds quite accurate and I can’t see what’s wrong with it?! You sound like the plans made weren’t your idea of fun that’s all. If you are very passive in friendships it can be aggravating for the other person as they are constantly guessing you. x

TBH I think you are being very melodramatic. At the point she's screaming and a card gets thrown in your face for sure you were 100% right to leave. But it's childish of you to blame her for your decisions - if you don't set your own boundaries that's on you. If my friend was flirting and I was unhappy I'd have just said - I'm gonna head back to the hotel/for a walk on the beach etc - will see you later, enjoy your night. If she was rushing your drink why didn't you just say you head to the stage, I'll catch you a bit later? Storming off because she said the man's comment was funny was also childish - why didn't you just say you didn't find it funny?

In future you'd do better to be clear on your wants, needs, and boundaries and then you wouldn't be taking things out on your friend that aren't her fault. You should never have gone on this trip - she may have been 'using' you to spy on her husband but you decided to say yes. You can't put your hand in a crocodiles mouth and get upset when it bites you.

You aren't compatible as friends, ending the friendship sounds sensible.

I agree. Im naturally flirtatious but....there is a line..and im not even married. If i was married id feel that i would be going too far flirting to that extent. I wonder if her friend would find it inappropriate if her husband had a break away with his mate and he was acting like his wife on this getaway?

I did tell her that I didn’t find the comment funny and her response was why? I told her that I felt a bit upset. She then started focusing on the song that came on and said what a tune it wa. At this point, it was becoming apparent to me that my friend didn’t give a toss about my feelings. Also I didn’t really storm off, I told her I need some space right now and I’d meet her back at the room. This is when she accused me of abandoning her. I’m not really sure what more I could have done at this stage. I wasn’t having a good time, and she was irritating and frustrating me.

I am not perfect, and there were deffo things I could’ve done differently for sure.

I don’t wish to continue the friendship. There’s a lot of other things that I haven’t mentioned here too. We are just not on the same wavelength at all. I agree. The trip was a mistake. Nothing I can do about it now. Just have to move on.

Why does everything have to be about your feelings?

OP on the point about you being upset by something a random man said, what response were you looking for from your friend? Did you want her to go back and confront the man? Apologise to you of his behalf? Apologise for finding it funny when you didn't? Pretend that actually she didn't find it funny anymore? It's a weird one because I feel like you're angry at her for something someone else said to you both, that she took in a different way to you.

She sounds like a tedious, attention-hungry pain in the arse, OP. I think you're well shot of her. Can't be arsed going out with women who need to be drooled all over to have a good time and who'll throw their mates under the bus if they don't go along with their cringey interactions with creepy men.

@RichTea90 your friend sounds like a nightmare but it sounds like you were making a bigger deal of the comment than necessary- surely moving onto another issues was fine, you didn't need to keep endlessly discussing it? I think maybe you just need to not take things so personally - remove your emotions from it and don't think 'my friend doesn't care about my feelings and instead think 'my friend doesn't feel the same as me and I find that hard - we aren't compatible.'

In any case, sounds like you've made the right decision for you.

Also just to note I'm not trying to get at you by saying these things but more to help you reflect on your interactions a bit more - 'I'm not perfect but...' is often what we say when we are being defensive rather than properly listening and thinking about what's being said. Sometimes outsiders see things we can't see as we are in the thick of it. though sometimes they also see completely fabricated nonsense especially on AIBU.

It sounds like you both spent the whole holiday getting wound up by each other, and it all came to a head that last night. Both of you were spoiling it for each other. Both had to pander to a degree. You're just too different as people to enjoy the same type of holiday.

OP, I think I am like you in many ways and can imagine this is much like a ‘friendship’ I have.

I also struggle with assertiveness and I think certain people come into our lives and pick up on these weaknesses and make us easy targets to manipulate under the guise of being friends for their gain.
Please don’t be hard on yourself- you have been getting a lot of harsh criticism here but not everyone will be able to appreciate the feeling you have here. I think it’s very hard to understand the dynamic unless you go though this personally. I can imagine this was the straw that broke the camels back- you said you were already anxious about the weekend. I’m pretty certain this wouldn’t have been the only time you have been upset by the actions/ comments made by this person, and it all came to a head this weekend.

I personally struggle with this type of friendship- there’s a line which is crossed time and time again and although I know my ‘friend’ causes me so much anxiety and occupies far more headspace than is deserved, I go back time and time again. I don’t know why, but I’m working on it.
I think you will be wise to bring this up with your therapist like you mentioned and I hope you get the peace and clarity you deserve.

Yep, I agree - I think we attract these kinds of people. It was the backhanded compliments, the little put downs every so often. It wasn’t friendship.

I think the main thing here is that you don't want to be friends with her anymore - it's not just a case of how to repair things after a bad holiday. It sounds like you have your reasons for that, and they go further than a 2 a.m. argument which, in itself, could probably be resolved the next day.
I've been the 'you' in this type of situation a few times and essentially think your friend sounds like a pain in the arse - that type of behaviour needn't be a friendship breaker, but it sounds like a bit of a last straw for you - hopefully you've reflected on it realistically, taking everything else into account, and made the right decision.

Yes, you’re absolutely right.
now I’ve slept on it further, it was absolutely the right decision. This trip was all about her, not me at all.

I don’t think you sound jealous, and find it’s a misogynistic motive almost always applied to women, as if the only thing we care about is competing male attention. Having said that though, I can’t for the life of me understand why you were angry at her for comments a random man made. She’s not responsible for what he said, and whilst I understand not finding it funny, getting upset over it to the point you needed a full conversation with her about it seems rather dramatic on your part. You need to be able to manage your own emotions over very minor incidents. Her then throwing a card at you and screaming is completely unacceptable behaviour and you were right to leave.

It does sound like you’ve grown apart and are very different people so I think ending the relationship was sensible of you.

That’s a very good point about it being misogynistic! Thanks for seeing I am not jealous.

I am not angry at her for the comments a random, creepy guy in a bar made. I am mad at her for how she handled the situation and just laughed. Especially with the context of how she’d treated me the rest of the trip.

Funnily enough, the guy I was chatting to actually stuck up for me and he picked up on what an awful question it was. I guess I was just hoping for more of a response like that from my friend. Instead, she seemed to be lapping it up and finding it hilarious. Probably because it made her feel good about herself. THAT is what I’m mad at. There were so many digs at me during this holiday. All appearing as so to make herself feel better than me.

I feel context is so important here.

The relationship has definitely run its course. We don’t share the same values or energy. That doesn’t make me a bad person, and to be honest, it doesn’t make her one either. We are just different people.

Exactly. All these comments calling the OP 'jealous' have major mean girl energy, and make me think I would likely not be friends with any of the women making them. For a site that whines about misogyny 24/7, this site sure is quick to call women 'jealous' and 'prudish' for displaying morally continent behaviour.

Quite!!
it’s also incredibly dismissive and inaccurate. It doesn’t actually help me in any way.

You sound jealous of your friend and the attention she gets. Pretty girls need equally shining friends- take that how you want- or they’re best to go alone