Triggered by DH and flipped before DS

[Anonin]

It's Mother's Day today where we live. Two days ago, on Friday morning, I mentioned it to DH (he's French and they have a different date for Mother's Day it seems). DH lightly replied that he doesn't have to do anything because it's not a Wife's Day. He saw my face darkened, so he said he was kidding, but last year he said the same thing and indeed he did nothing special for my first Mother's Day.

He then went to his study since he works from home. I'm the primary caregiver since I only teach at my university on one afternoon. DS (almost 2) is usually very sweet, but since recently he starts to pinch us sometimes when he didn't get he wants. We've tried to teach him not to, but when he's very grumpy he still does it. He got his shot in the morning, so he was grumpy on Friday. In the afternoon I got lots of marks because he wanted to enter DH's study and I didn't let him. Near 5 pm, he pinched me reaaally hard, and I screamed loudly in pain and frustration. I didn't hold anything. DS was surprised, DS came out, and I locked myself in the bathroom for a few minutes to calm down. When I came out, DS gave me a hug, I said sorry to DS, and DH said he'd finish work and take over in 10 minutes. I said great and told him I was extremely tired.

Fifteen minutes later I opened the door to the study and said I let DS in. DH has a bad habit not to answer until I repeated or demanded an answer. This time I was exhausted, so I didn't wait for a reply and went to lie down in the bedroom. Eight minutes later, DH came in and demanded why I let DS sprinkle water from DH's glass on the floor. It turned out DH was in the bathroom when I let DS in, so I said "Oops, I didn't know you were in the bathroom." DH went away to clean up, but popped in five minutes later to say that I should be more careful. Suddenly I saw red. I pushed DH out, screaming loudly "get out! Get out", slammed the door and locked me in for two hours. During the whole time I could hear DS was crying a lot, DH tried everything to soothe him, but I was so dang tired and angry and didn't want to come out. Finally DH knocked to ask if they could come in, and I said yes. DS's mood was quickly lighten up and he's been very sweet ever since.

I felt very guilty to DS but I told DH I need him to be more supportive. His flippant comments about Mother's Day hurt me. I don't ask for flashy things at all, but just a token of appreciation, like a breakfast in bed for that day. I felt angry particularly because I was pinched a lot to ensure DH could work in peace, but DH doesn't even want to celebrate Mother's Day. DH said since little he thought on Mother's Day only the kids do something for the mother. I almost flared up again, but for DS's sake kept an even tone when I reminded him that HIS father gave HIS mother flowers on Mother's Day. DH apologised and promised to pay more attention to my feelings in the future. He's been more helpful around the house (usually he did his fair share to care for DS in the evening but I still help him), and I could really put my feet up more, but I still feel like something changed in the way I perceive him. I've felt he rather neglected me emotionally since DS was born and while I know this is because we've been very busy, the episode on Friday felt like the last straw and I feel more distant from him than ever. AIBU?

Gently, YABVU, you sound like you need possibly emotional or medical support.

Reacting by screaming and locking yourself away for hours? That isn't healthy. Toddlers are hard but he is two, you unpinch his fingers gently and tell him no.

Is this out of character for you? Because it is concerning behaviour around a young child.

Can gather you are tired, irritable, utterly fed up etc but agree with a pp sorry.

I think you need to see your G.P, if it’s only to talk about your feelings.

Why are you letting your child pinch you so your DH can work?

I voted you are not being unreasonable based on your husband’s failure to recognise your two year old cannot take responsibility for thanking you on Mother’s day. We all get frustrated and struggle when we are faced with difficult behaviour and a lack of support, but it really isn’t ok to upset your child like that and then not respond to their feelings. It does sound like your child was upset and confused about where you went. I understand you needed time to calm down that’s fine but did it need to be that long before you reassured your toddler?

Yabu
You talk about your child as if he's much older and more capable of emotional regulation than he actually is.
Also, if his role model is someone who kicks off and shouts when they're upset, he's never going to learn how to manage his feelings appropriately.

I know it's far from good. In 23 months (DS's age), this is the first time I flipped out like that. DH would help but generally I have to tell him first. Even when I said I'm dead tired, he'd continue doing what he was doing except if I gave a direct order to do A, B, C... And telling me he was not going to do anything since it's Mother's Day, not a Wife's Day in a particularly hard day was too much for me. We've reconciled now, and he promised to take more initiatives, so let's see.

Your husband was a twat re Mother’s Day, but you’ve been completely out of line and verging on abusive I’d say. Are you seeking help for your anger? Screaming at your toddler for pinching then later physically shoving your husband while repeatedly screaming at him all in one day isn’t painting a good picture at all. We, as parents, lead our children by example, and yours is lacking I’m afraid.
Also your husband left his work to come and take over to allow you to calm down having heard you scream at your toddler, then said he’d be back asap, once he was finished with work, so your answer to that, when he wasn’t there exactly as he said, was to let your toddler into his office as, what, a petty revenge? I don’t think I quite believe you didn’t know he wasn’t in there.

Honestly. You sound so overdramatic.

Hes right it isnt wifes day but. He should have got you a card from your son.

Your reaction to all this is so
Out of proportion

I think you're getting a hard time op. You're human. You snapped. DH sounds like he needed the shock! I don't think there's anything wrong with kids seeing the odd argument - because the resolution of the argument and apology of required is also shown.

Absolutely the above, and you pushed dh put of the room? Where was your child then?
Also dh neglecting you emotionally what do you mean? For your child's needs?

Have you promised to work on your behaviour?

telling me he was not going to do anything since it's Mother's Day, not a Wife's Day in a particularly hard day was too much for me

But not a justification for screaming, and shoving him.

There are 365 days in the year. It's how your DH behaves on all of those days that matters not just one day that's now more of a commercial gimmick.

I think the significance of the day has been blown out of proportion as you actually need more support for everyday.

Why couldn’t you say to your DH “I would like it if you helped DS make a card for me”.

you seem very dramatic and your DH seems to be doing more than his fair share

She clearly needed a break she was begging for a break covered in bruises she finally gets a break and he keeps on badgering her fucks sake give her a fucking break

The mothers day thing is rubbish and your DH is a twat for his attitude but for everything else YABU!!

If you're getting this over emotional I'd suggest a visit to the doctor as all you've described is some normal toddler behaviour, a DH working and you looking after a toddler. Normal life. Nothing to shout over and lock yourself in your room for 2 hours over.

Surely there is more to this?

Crikey people here have never lost their temper when completely drained. It sounds like this is not something that happens often OP. I think you simply were exhausted - you’re only human. All children have seen their parents argue at some point. Obviously you know you should have checked your husband was there before leaving your son.

you’ve reconciled now and may even help things be better.

We’ve never made mother/father day a huge deal here especially when are children were young. A small bunch of flowers and a card/picture they’d drawn when young - definitely wouldn’t expect other half to have to bring me breakfast.

Ignore those that will make out this was abusive- it was a very tired mum needing some time out.

On mothers day...plan a day out for yourself by yourself and leave husband with child. Give prior notice. If he won't plan anything plan it yourself. Father's day comes, get him nothing.

Some bloody perfect mothers and wives on here eh…..🙄 They've never lost their temper, they would happily be pinched all day long whilst their husband’s told them they didn’t deserve a treat on Mother’s Day.

OP, you sound very stressed and in need of support. Do you have any other family or close friends you can talk to, and anyone that could help out with little one at all? Also get on top of the pinching, a very sharp clear “No! You are not allowed to pinch!” Then put him away from you and walk away. Ignore him for a couple of minutes.

You sound like a drama queen. Yes, your DH was being a twat about Mother's day, but your reaction is ridiculous.

Your DS is going through a pinching phase, very standard for his age. You just have to keep reinforcing that it is unacceptable and ride it out basically. There is no need for all this "poor me I'm getting pinched" and screaming nonsense. He doesn't understand, he doesn't have the emotional intelligence that you seem to expect from him yet.

There is also no need to scream at your DH, push him and slam doors in his face. Especially in front of your young son. You sound abusive tbh, and it sounds like your ds will be growing up in a house where everyone has to tiptoe around mum. You need to learn to control your emotions for his sake.

Also please look up the actual meaning of the word "triggered". Your DH didn't trigger you, he pissed you off by being a bit thoughtless.

Gosh people are awful on this thread, talking about kicking a woman when she is down. She knows she messed up but some people just love rubbing salt in the wounds.

OP I think you should speak to your doctor for your own sake and/or arrange some time you can have a break - any family who could sit or paid help?

I think others have commented on your reaction so I won't go into that

But your husband has a weird view of mother's day, that its only the kids who do something for the parent...kids don't just magically do things. Who does he think teaches them or helps them?

YANBU. Your husband is unsupportive and cruel and you snapped at your child after being pinched, which is painful. Stepping away to go into the bathroom for a few minutes is a good idea to regulate yourself if you can’t do it in the same room as DS. I remember being given the same guidance about a crying baby that if you feel like you’re going to snap, step away for a few minutes rather than do anything dangerous.

I also think its a bit patronising of him to tell you about the water, let you explain what happened...and then come in again 5 min later to tell you that 'you should be more careful'...dos nothing get spilt when he is in charge?

Crikey people here have never lost their temper when completely drained. It sounds like this is not something that happens often OP. I think you simply were exhausted - you’re only human
If the roles were reversed, everyone would be saying she need to leave the relationship immediately as her OH is abusive and that they are no excuse for this behaviour, exhaustion or not.

I think you need to deal with your expectations OP. Telling your toddler off for pinching is fine, but do so earlier in, don't wait until you explode.

As for exploding with your OH, it was totally inappropriate. You sound quite demanding of him and if you are not careful, he will snap at some point. You need to consider why it is you are feeling so tired and deal with this.