Triggered by DH and flipped before DS

[Anonin]

It's Mother's Day today where we live. Two days ago, on Friday morning, I mentioned it to DH (he's French and they have a different date for Mother's Day it seems). DH lightly replied that he doesn't have to do anything because it's not a Wife's Day. He saw my face darkened, so he said he was kidding, but last year he said the same thing and indeed he did nothing special for my first Mother's Day.

He then went to his study since he works from home. I'm the primary caregiver since I only teach at my university on one afternoon. DS (almost 2) is usually very sweet, but since recently he starts to pinch us sometimes when he didn't get he wants. We've tried to teach him not to, but when he's very grumpy he still does it. He got his shot in the morning, so he was grumpy on Friday. In the afternoon I got lots of marks because he wanted to enter DH's study and I didn't let him. Near 5 pm, he pinched me reaaally hard, and I screamed loudly in pain and frustration. I didn't hold anything. DS was surprised, DS came out, and I locked myself in the bathroom for a few minutes to calm down. When I came out, DS gave me a hug, I said sorry to DS, and DH said he'd finish work and take over in 10 minutes. I said great and told him I was extremely tired.

Fifteen minutes later I opened the door to the study and said I let DS in. DH has a bad habit not to answer until I repeated or demanded an answer. This time I was exhausted, so I didn't wait for a reply and went to lie down in the bedroom. Eight minutes later, DH came in and demanded why I let DS sprinkle water from DH's glass on the floor. It turned out DH was in the bathroom when I let DS in, so I said "Oops, I didn't know you were in the bathroom." DH went away to clean up, but popped in five minutes later to say that I should be more careful. Suddenly I saw red. I pushed DH out, screaming loudly "get out! Get out", slammed the door and locked me in for two hours. During the whole time I could hear DS was crying a lot, DH tried everything to soothe him, but I was so dang tired and angry and didn't want to come out. Finally DH knocked to ask if they could come in, and I said yes. DS's mood was quickly lighten up and he's been very sweet ever since.

I felt very guilty to DS but I told DH I need him to be more supportive. His flippant comments about Mother's Day hurt me. I don't ask for flashy things at all, but just a token of appreciation, like a breakfast in bed for that day. I felt angry particularly because I was pinched a lot to ensure DH could work in peace, but DH doesn't even want to celebrate Mother's Day. DH said since little he thought on Mother's Day only the kids do something for the mother. I almost flared up again, but for DS's sake kept an even tone when I reminded him that HIS father gave HIS mother flowers on Mother's Day. DH apologised and promised to pay more attention to my feelings in the future. He's been more helpful around the house (usually he did his fair share to care for DS in the evening but I still help him), and I could really put my feet up more, but I still feel like something changed in the way I perceive him. I've felt he rather neglected me emotionally since DS was born and while I know this is because we've been very busy, the episode on Friday felt like the last straw and I feel more distant from him than ever. AIBU?

I didn't realise there were so many perfect wives and mothers out there 🙄

OP you done absolutely nothing wrong. You were at the end of your tether, your husband is a selfish twat and you were, probably for once, looking after your own needs. You are NOT a drama queen and I repeat, you have done nothing wrong.

I thought this was a site for women supporting women. For those having a go at OP, have a word with yourselves.

So pushing your partner and shouting , locking yourself in a room is fine. Even when you have upset your child.

Ridiculous- I have never behaved like this and neither has DH. There is no excuse for pushing your partner.

If the OP's DH had screamed because their child pinched him, then screamed at her. Pushed her out of the room and slammed the door then I bet you'd be the first to tell her that he's abusive.

Absolutely 100% this.

Mothers day is an opportunity for older children to show love and appreciation for their mum.

It is not a day to test your partner and flip out at him for not pretending to be your child for the day, because you want a card.

Your child is not old enough yet. Your time will come.

YABU I’m afraid.

I think you are getting hard time but I get where you are coming from. I would work on your anger and stress management and your emotional regulation. Having a toddler is hard work and the ultimate test for any marriage.

The double standards on here are 🤯

your husband sounds thoughtless. You sound like you need to grow the fuck up tbh. screaming and shouting like a banshee over Mother’s Day.

Whatever he does for you now is meaningless anyway because it’s all under duress.

@Anonin Are you also French?

This will not be a popular view but two year olds and husbands working from home are very poor bedfellows. Your post brought back horrible memories of this time last year: heavily pregnant and having to constantly take a two year old out of the house because DH was plonked there having endless bloody meetings and DS could hear his voice and kept trying to get to him. Ugh.

(By the way, DS did seem to understand a lot more as he approached three that daddy was working so it does get better. I still hate DH wfh though!)

I know it’s a cliche but it’s that classic keep it all in then it explodes. I had a similar angry moment on Thursday and I’m not going to ‘work on my behaviour’ or the other patronising posts, I’m just recognising I get angry sometimes. It sounds like you’ve done fine, I really honestly wouldn’t stress too much about it

Exactly, it's quite frightening the whole explaining and forgiving abusive behaviour on this site is, as long as the abuser is female.
Screaming and pushing is fine as long as its the woman doing it, and it's the man's fault anyway....

I did a bit of a yelp / screech earlier because my DD yanked my hair and it bloody hurt! (She is 10 months.)

Mere mortals do sometimes cry out when something hurts, especially when it isn’t expected.

If the roles were reversed, everyone would be saying she need to leave the relationship immediately as her OH is abusive and that they are no excuse for this behaviour, exhaustion or not.

This.

And would everyone be right?

It doesn’t really matter what ‘everyone’ would say, unless ‘everyone’ thinks the OPs little boy would be better off if she left the house Right Now.

And there are salient differences. Men aren’t usually the sole caregivers to very little children. They are hard work and they do try your patience especially when going through a Phase. My own DS has had me thinking I’m losing my mind at times.

Yeah coz that’s the same as what the OP did.

🫤

It doesn’t really matter what ‘everyone’ would say, unless ‘everyone’ thinks the OPs little boy would be better off if she left the house Right Now.

It’s not OP’s first post about getting angry and flipping out at DH, so possibly it could be, yes.

None of us have enough information to know, either way, but your defence can never just be ‘but I’m a mum so I have it harder’

I think it can be, actually.

I haven’t searched the OP and don’t really need to. I don’t think it’s being a mum that makes it harder, it’s being the primary caregiver. And that is overwhelmingly more likely to be a mother. So yes - on balance I do think mothers have it harder in the early years.

It doesn’t excuse losing tempers but a pile on of shame, awful person, if-this-was-a-man is unlikely to help anyone.

Imagine if a woman wrote "my DH snapped and was pushing me out of the room whilst screaming at me to go away".

It would be called emotional and physical abuse.

There's no question you are overwhelmed and things need to change. It sounds like your dh is on board with that.

But why are you home all day with a toddler trying to stop him getting into the study? Why can't the door be locked to stop you needing to stop him? Do you have friends and or groups you can go to? A stair gate to keep him in the room you are in?

You need to work on your emotions and how you can manage them in future without getting to the point of abuse. Next time your dh may walk out taking your child with him which is exactly what a woman would be told to do.

But as far as you yelping because your ds pinched you and it hurt. There's no harm in them knowing hurting someone hurts and they won't always react with smiles and a gentle voice.

If you were the man and he was the woman, he would be being told to leave the abusive bastard.

It’s not ok to interrupt your husband while he’s working, it’s literally your job to take care of DS during the working day.

Then to shove him and lock yourself away for two hours while your son cried knowing it was because of you and your DH wouldn’t be able to settle him…

You behaved very badly.

I'd LOVE to see the responses from those who think OP did nothing wrong if a man said DW "triggered" him so he repeatedly screamed, left their toddler alone and then physically pushed her out of the room. Such double standards...

And what have you promised to do? This wasn’t all him.

No matter how triggered you felt by him, you don’t lay hands on someone in anger. This is classic DV justification - “I only got angry because you kept nagging me” etc.

If the sex were reversed the overwhelming majority of people on here would be advising the op to leave, calling her husbands behaviour abusive.

Does anyone here understand the concept of the Last Straw?

The OP hasn't covered herself in glory, but does anyone on here see why?

What if a man was at the end of his tether and he hit his wife.

It's ok, it was the last straw? or it's abusive and shouldn't happen?

Sometimes you do scream when they pinch because it fucking hurts my daughter grabbed a double handful of my hair and bit my head she refused to let go and was going off like a banshee I dumped cold water on her head not my finest hour but fucking HELL it hurt and no "gentle hands please" would stop her I felt guilty afterwards but the health visitor said I'm surprised you didn't swat her butt for that one

I don't think anyone is disagreeing with the reaction when her son pinched her.

It was her behaviour later people are disagreeing with.

Agree, knowing where Op is coming from. You need to get some help and support Op, otherwise this will only get worse.