Triggered by DH and flipped before DS

[Anonin]

It's Mother's Day today where we live. Two days ago, on Friday morning, I mentioned it to DH (he's French and they have a different date for Mother's Day it seems). DH lightly replied that he doesn't have to do anything because it's not a Wife's Day. He saw my face darkened, so he said he was kidding, but last year he said the same thing and indeed he did nothing special for my first Mother's Day.

He then went to his study since he works from home. I'm the primary caregiver since I only teach at my university on one afternoon. DS (almost 2) is usually very sweet, but since recently he starts to pinch us sometimes when he didn't get he wants. We've tried to teach him not to, but when he's very grumpy he still does it. He got his shot in the morning, so he was grumpy on Friday. In the afternoon I got lots of marks because he wanted to enter DH's study and I didn't let him. Near 5 pm, he pinched me reaaally hard, and I screamed loudly in pain and frustration. I didn't hold anything. DS was surprised, DS came out, and I locked myself in the bathroom for a few minutes to calm down. When I came out, DS gave me a hug, I said sorry to DS, and DH said he'd finish work and take over in 10 minutes. I said great and told him I was extremely tired.

Fifteen minutes later I opened the door to the study and said I let DS in. DH has a bad habit not to answer until I repeated or demanded an answer. This time I was exhausted, so I didn't wait for a reply and went to lie down in the bedroom. Eight minutes later, DH came in and demanded why I let DS sprinkle water from DH's glass on the floor. It turned out DH was in the bathroom when I let DS in, so I said "Oops, I didn't know you were in the bathroom." DH went away to clean up, but popped in five minutes later to say that I should be more careful. Suddenly I saw red. I pushed DH out, screaming loudly "get out! Get out", slammed the door and locked me in for two hours. During the whole time I could hear DS was crying a lot, DH tried everything to soothe him, but I was so dang tired and angry and didn't want to come out. Finally DH knocked to ask if they could come in, and I said yes. DS's mood was quickly lighten up and he's been very sweet ever since.

I felt very guilty to DS but I told DH I need him to be more supportive. His flippant comments about Mother's Day hurt me. I don't ask for flashy things at all, but just a token of appreciation, like a breakfast in bed for that day. I felt angry particularly because I was pinched a lot to ensure DH could work in peace, but DH doesn't even want to celebrate Mother's Day. DH said since little he thought on Mother's Day only the kids do something for the mother. I almost flared up again, but for DS's sake kept an even tone when I reminded him that HIS father gave HIS mother flowers on Mother's Day. DH apologised and promised to pay more attention to my feelings in the future. He's been more helpful around the house (usually he did his fair share to care for DS in the evening but I still help him), and I could really put my feet up more, but I still feel like something changed in the way I perceive him. I've felt he rather neglected me emotionally since DS was born and while I know this is because we've been very busy, the episode on Friday felt like the last straw and I feel more distant from him than ever. AIBU?

Thank you! (Also for other supportive messages, sorry can't reply one by one). I've had a full off-day today. It's only afternoon but I feel like a different person already. We're going to try on a new system now. You're absolutely right, it needs nipping in the bud.

As for other answers about assault/ DV/ abuse - thank you as well! We (DH and I) haven't gotten such a good laugh like that for a while 😄.

Those posting the equivalent of he deserved it how would you feel if a woman who's just been pushed and.screamed at by a man came on the thread and read your posts and decided what she was suffering was ok because he was stressed/burnt out insert shitty excuse here. The behaviour is wrong and you're not helping support women who go through DV by saying there are excuses for shoving someone. I'm glad I didn't read any of this bullshit when I was trying to work out amoungst all the fear and gaslightling if my XH was abusive or just stressed and struggling.

Wow you're delightful laughing about abuse.

Oh the drama..

Office manager 😂🤣😂🤣

Wow! Laughing at abuse as if it isn’t possible that that’s what you did.
You are part of the problem for men who suffer abuse. A man can’t push or scream but a woman can because she’s tired. Grow up!

I don't think yelling loudly when your child pinches you is a bad thing, he is doing it repeatedly and needs to know it hurts. If he did it to someone else he is likely to get that reaction, especially another child. Of course you do however take the risk that he likes the reaction and so does it more.

Pushing you DH isn't great but is certainly different to a man pushing a woman due to the difference in strength. You're obviously completely at the end of your tether however and this needs to be the point where things change so you don't reach this point again.

Point out to DH that he is wrong, mothers day is about celebrating mothers and that can come from anyone, however if he wants to make a card with your 2 year old that would be great too. What did you do for fathers day last year?

Sorry. I was trying to link to op😔. I need to put the glasses on.

You have some serious anger issues OP.

He saw my face darkened, so he said he was kidding

I screamed loudly in pain and frustration

Suddenly I saw red.

I felt angry particularly because I was pinched a lot to ensure DH could work in peace

I almost flared up again

This sort of behaviour is not normal and it sounds like DH is constantly walking on eggshells around you.

I think you need to see your doctor and explain how you feel and how you are struggling to cope as a parent.

You and other perfect women here amused me, you know? In my line of work I've known hundreds of mothers and wives if not more. At one point they all screamed at their kids and partner or slammed doors out of frustration, but in the internet you'd find women like you who brag they never do that and yet they are the loudest in crying abuse at a tired woman who didn't even smack anyone. Either you belong to the so-called crystall generation or you're just obnoxious. Pick one.

Oh, and don't bother to reply. This thread has amused me enough, and OP seems to have resolved her problem. Now it's your turn to have a chat with yourself.

I'm not bragging and I'll do what I want. So here's your reply.

It's not bragging to say you've never screamed at your child. It's truly tragic that you think that would be something to brag about. Whatever you do in your "line of work" to have met all these screaming mothers may have jaded you, but I've also met many mothers who haven't screamed and shouted and slammed doors. Sorry to bust your worldview that these things are normal.

It's also tragic that you think the only way to abuse someone is to smack them. Says a lot about your views on screaming and door slamming.

It's very sad that your response to someone who disagrees with you is to be so nasty and rude, but all of the above says far more about you and the kind of woman you are than it does about me. I'm sorry for you.

I don't have anything to chat to myself about, but thank you for your obvious concern for my wellbeing, it's very moving. Have a nice evening.

My ex-husband had anger issues and would push me.

He never punched me in the face but would yell and push me.

It took a long time for me to see that was abusive. I'm not sure why OP is laughing at the idea this is abuse. So many women ignore the signs with their partners because it's not " bad enough. "

Pushing someone angrily is assaulting them.

Clearly I'm in the minority (I was surprised!) but I voted YANBU. I can completely relate to the level of exhaustion you describe, and how it affects your mental health to the point of doing things irrational.
In a similar situation, I handed over our son to my husband in the middle of the afternoon and fucked off to get a coffee in peace for a couple of hours.

I will assume the mother day thing is a bit of a red herring and it's more generally a lack of recognition that is causing you so much stress. I agree with others that you should find ways to improve your mental health. You did put your son in a dangerous situation, and that's not ok. You could look at therapy but also increasing your working days could maybe help?

Your child needs disciplining out of this pinching when it doesn't get his own way.

As for other answers about assault/ DV/ abuse - thank you as well! We (DH and I) haven't gotten such a good laugh like that for a while 😄.

What a treat you sound... I highly doubt your DH finds your screaming and pushing amusing but you must do you.

I know,but what to say when there's a chorus on here of 'it's not you!! It's everyone else's fault!' 🤨

@DoreenonTill8 Awww, poor you. Upset now because OP refused to be bullied by the likes of you? I'm glad she laughed at the bullies here.

I'm amazed, though, at the abilities of some women to omit things so that they can continue their bullying narrative. OP and her DH reconciled, and her DH laughed with her. Didn't read that? Maybe you lot need to go to Specsaver.

Next you'd say he's completely under her thumb or something. Do you honestly think if she's abusing him, he would have dared to be dismissive about Mother's Day two years in a row and did not relieve her, when she was covered in bruises, in ten minutes as he promised? Read again. He only came to find her almost half an hour later and only when he found the kid in his study, otherwise he would have very likely stayed there after finishing his working day. Some men are just like that. They need to see DW snap first until they agree to care for their turbulent toddlers.

Being yelled at or pushed away when one's being a twat is not equal to abuse. You're insulting the real victims of domestic violence by saying so. Bet you lot yell even more than her. If I were you, I'd just move on, though, because clearly OP ignores you. Ergo, your bullying doesn't work.

@MonsteraMama OP did not yell at her DC. She yelled in pain when being pinched for the umpteenth time. Many toddlers pinch or scratch and it's extremely painful. You never yell when in pain?
As for her yelling to her husband, I'm not saying it's okay, but to classify it as abuse just shows you up as a bully. Like I said in my post above this one. Let it go. It looks ugly.

Did she say she had done it repeatedly? I thought it was just one incident.

I completely agree with all of this!

FWIW, I have screamed at my child once or twice when he pushed me. I have also shouted at his dad (long story, he actually was abusive and I was reacting to him - doesn’t excuse it though)

This doesn’t mean I think that it’s ok behaviour or that I just shrugged and told myself I was tired. I was absolutely mortified, apologised to my DS and vowed never to do it again. And I never did, 5 years on.

Of course it helped that I left his dad, wasn’t a nice environment for any of us

I don’t think any of the people here telling the OP she was out of order think they are perfect. Some of us may be trying to teach the OP lessons from our mistakes.

It’s fine to yell out if your kid hurts you. It won’t damage them. They probably need to understand they are hurting you and hopefully he won’t do it again.

You DH was being unreasonable by refusing to acknowledge mother’s day

Your reaction was way over the top. Whether you want to call it abuse or not, pushing your partner angrily is out of order and I hope you apologised to him for it.

Also, what would you have done if your DH was working in an office? How would you cope at home alone with your child?

Sending a hug to an exhausted mum who had just had enough that day. I hope you enjoyed Mother's Day and am glad that you are feeling better.
Sometimes when we are all very busy we expect our partner to read our minds so maybe you need to spell out to your DH what you would like- a homemade card and breakfast in bed. Next year tell.OH you have booked yourself a massage/hair appointment/facial in the afternoon. X

@FuckOffTom All good now.

As for, "Also, what would you have done if your DH was working in an office? How would you cope at home alone with your child?", I'd cope better. Simpler lunch to prepare, and - as another pointed out above - DS would not hear DH's voice from the study, insist to come in in the middle of a meeting, or throw a tantrum in a bad day when I wouldn't let him disturb DH. People seem to think having a spouse wfh-ing is easy on the primary caregiver. This isn't always the case.

If my husband screamed at me, pushed me out of a room and locked himself in for 2 hours I'd be seriously reconsidering the marriage.

Ok fair enough, I hadn’t considered it that way