Triggered by DH and flipped before DS

[Anonin]

It's Mother's Day today where we live. Two days ago, on Friday morning, I mentioned it to DH (he's French and they have a different date for Mother's Day it seems). DH lightly replied that he doesn't have to do anything because it's not a Wife's Day. He saw my face darkened, so he said he was kidding, but last year he said the same thing and indeed he did nothing special for my first Mother's Day.

He then went to his study since he works from home. I'm the primary caregiver since I only teach at my university on one afternoon. DS (almost 2) is usually very sweet, but since recently he starts to pinch us sometimes when he didn't get he wants. We've tried to teach him not to, but when he's very grumpy he still does it. He got his shot in the morning, so he was grumpy on Friday. In the afternoon I got lots of marks because he wanted to enter DH's study and I didn't let him. Near 5 pm, he pinched me reaaally hard, and I screamed loudly in pain and frustration. I didn't hold anything. DS was surprised, DS came out, and I locked myself in the bathroom for a few minutes to calm down. When I came out, DS gave me a hug, I said sorry to DS, and DH said he'd finish work and take over in 10 minutes. I said great and told him I was extremely tired.

Fifteen minutes later I opened the door to the study and said I let DS in. DH has a bad habit not to answer until I repeated or demanded an answer. This time I was exhausted, so I didn't wait for a reply and went to lie down in the bedroom. Eight minutes later, DH came in and demanded why I let DS sprinkle water from DH's glass on the floor. It turned out DH was in the bathroom when I let DS in, so I said "Oops, I didn't know you were in the bathroom." DH went away to clean up, but popped in five minutes later to say that I should be more careful. Suddenly I saw red. I pushed DH out, screaming loudly "get out! Get out", slammed the door and locked me in for two hours. During the whole time I could hear DS was crying a lot, DH tried everything to soothe him, but I was so dang tired and angry and didn't want to come out. Finally DH knocked to ask if they could come in, and I said yes. DS's mood was quickly lighten up and he's been very sweet ever since.

I felt very guilty to DS but I told DH I need him to be more supportive. His flippant comments about Mother's Day hurt me. I don't ask for flashy things at all, but just a token of appreciation, like a breakfast in bed for that day. I felt angry particularly because I was pinched a lot to ensure DH could work in peace, but DH doesn't even want to celebrate Mother's Day. DH said since little he thought on Mother's Day only the kids do something for the mother. I almost flared up again, but for DS's sake kept an even tone when I reminded him that HIS father gave HIS mother flowers on Mother's Day. DH apologised and promised to pay more attention to my feelings in the future. He's been more helpful around the house (usually he did his fair share to care for DS in the evening but I still help him), and I could really put my feet up more, but I still feel like something changed in the way I perceive him. I've felt he rather neglected me emotionally since DS was born and while I know this is because we've been very busy, the episode on Friday felt like the last straw and I feel more distant from him than ever. AIBU?

Triggered by DW and flipped out before DS

How does that read?

Before going on to explain that DW was pushed out a room and left to deal with a baby that wouldn’t stop crying for two hours because it was struggling to deal with the emotion of the situation.

A one off meltdown when you are touched out, exhausted, emotional, either as a man or woman is not “abusive”. Ffs. She didn’t hit him. She got upset and pushed him away. That’s not the same and false equivalences with an abusive partner is insulting. Is it good behaviour? No. But it’s not abuse.

It sounds like you resolved the situation the best you could. You spoke honestly to your husband and explained what was up, and he apologised. That’s good. The argument is one thing but it’s how you resolve it and what you learn from it that matters. Same goes for your toddler - when I get stressed I always keep in mind the phrase rupture and repair. I’m not perfect but if I do get cross I apologise and explain in language she’d understand and we cuddle and move on.

With your husband, try to keep checking in with each other - it’s so easy to burn out with a toddler so just keep that communication open and let him know when it’s becoming too much. You’re a team and you need to be able to have each other’s back.

The pinching must be so intense. When I’ve reached a burn out point with my toddler I’ve tried box breathing and just talking through my own feelings out loud “I’m feeling really upset and stressed right now - I need to just take a breath while I calm down”. Hopefully this phase will soon pass. Good luck and don’t beat yourself up.

"Even when I said I'm dead tired, he'd continue doing what he was doing except if I gave a direct order to do A, B, C"

You see moaning about being tired, sighing and slamming doors isn't communication.
It's 'acting out' your feelings then hoping the other person reads your mind.

That just irritates the other person.
Because you just seem to be looking for sympathy all the time but not actually asking or stating your need.

You have to state things clearly.

If you want DH to mind DS for a while, ask him.

If you are calling and asking DH to do something and he doesn't reply, that's rude and controlling and can be called the 'silent treatment'.

Like this....

You: do you want tea?
DH: silence
You: would you like a cup of tea?
DH: silence
You: DH, I said, do you want tea??
DH: silence

So instead of asking a second time after the first time you were ignored you say...

"OK I'll take your silence as a No because I have asked and you did hear me."

Then you make your own tea.

I am actually at a loss that you are covered in bruises because you let a child constantly pinch you without teaching him not to.

Despite being frustrated (and pissed off over mother's day) your own behaviour is the main issue

@PossumHollow pushing someone is minor but is also considered to be common assault. So yes, it's not abusive like hitting someone but it is legally considered abusive.

"Whether the victim has suffered minor injuries or no injuries at all, the application of force is suffice for this offence. In general, most minor assaults like pushing will be considered as common assault."

I have a lot of sympathy with this, I have to say. When my 3 year old pulled my hair really hard when I was trying to get him in his car seat I smacked him on the leg, which was not my finest moment, but I understand how that can make you lose it temporarily.

Going forward, your DH needs to get his arse into gear. His comment about Mothers Day was just awful - totally dismissive. He’s clearly one of those who needs orders - frustrating, but very common, unfortunately .

But yes, don’t send your toddler in a room when you’re not certain that an adult is there.

Women who shamed OP should be ashamed of themselves. I'm sure they shout more than OP before their DP and DC but gladly seized the chance to kick another woman when they're down to feel better about their sorry self. Crying abuse simply when someone is being pushed out of a room is overtly ridiculous. OP must be a caring mum, otherwise her son wouldn't hug her after the meltdown or lighten up when seeing her. It's obvious to me this is not about the Mother's Day. OP mentioned wishing for a breakfast in bed - likely she hasn't had any in peace for a long time and just needed a break. No wonder many young mothers are depressed, because even other mothers are only too happy to shame one who clearly has a burnout. Don't worry and ignore those mean bullies, OP.

I rather agree that OP is begging for attention and respect from her husband but doing it in an indirect way. He does not seem to recognize your struggle to be a full time/at home mother who also has an office manager’s job keeping the workplace calm and quiet for him.

He could have “recognized “ your work, in a sense, by making a little fuss on mother’s day or giving you a little holiday. He chose not to. And at the end of the workday he dissapeared into the bathroom instead of coming out to relieve you and give you a break.

please recognize how dysfunctional this is. He ignores you until you snap and have a meltdown. But you can only control your own behavior. You must learn how to regulate yourself and handle disappointment. You need to learn to oace yourself and calm yourself. Your dh may improve or he may not but you ate relegating yourself to a powerless position by having these violent outbursts.

@pikkumyy77 ? Really, so the dh shouldn't be allowed to go to the loo briefly after work? And ops now the 'office manager'?!
The stretching and bending of reality some will do is bonkers!

@AgnesX and what is your plan to address your loss of control? That isn't healthy nor normal reaction, people don't lock themselves away for extended periods of time. Yes they step aside for five minutes but not hours, not be aware the child wasn't supervised, and screaming when pinched?

That is worrying behaviour and I would suggest you seek support. If it isn't typical then perhaps it is more than being tired.

Look: OP is the one who came here for advice. If it had been the husband my advice would have been different.

However nothing I said involved stretching and bending. One party WFH while the other does ft childcare is a well known recipe for disaster. The ft parent doesn’t get a break and neither does the WFH parent. Both experience themselves as doing a largely unseen and unrequited job for the other. Both seek to wedge a little private time/free time into their lives while the other partner pushes back against that and refuses to take on the shared child.

Of course the dh is entitled to go to the bathroom. But a ton of mumsnet have noted how often their spouses retreat to the bathroom at critical moments to avoid family time or parenting. The OP was at the end of her tether snd needed respite care.

I think she needs a lot of work on herself but her dh also needs to step up.

YANBU about Mother's Day. Your husband should be marking it on behalf of your child who cannot do it themself. But also he should be doing it because you are the mother of his child.

The rest is not ok. But you know that. Sometimes hurt feelings get the better of us and we act out. Forgive yourself and talk to you DH. Come up with an agreed plan of how to deal with special days.

(My DH never bothered with birthday cake for me. I wasn't too bothered. But we discussed it and agreed he had to provide a cake with candles. Not for my benefit, but for our kids. It really mattered to them.)

You are completely in the wrong here OP.

@pikkumyy77 you said that op as a sahm is also then the officer manager for her husband. That's the stretch!

I am neither a perfect partner nor a perfect mother, but I've never screamed at my child, or screamed at and shoved my husband. Don't tell her she's done nothing wrong when she has. I don't care how end of the rope you are, screaming and being physical is never ok and she absolutely has done something wrong, no matter how understandable it is. Lots of men use "I was at the end of my tether" to excuse smacking their wives around, her having a vagina doesn't make the excuse or the behaviour any more reasonable.

There's a lot of space between "perfect wife and mother" and "wife who screams at her child, leaves her child unsupervised and shoves her partner when he expresses concern over their unsupervised toddler".

This! I hope you take note of this sort of comment @Anonin , you sound exhausted and, well, a human being.
Personally I wonder if this is why we have some young adults who appear to not be able to cope in the world of work, if a child cannot possibly hear that a parent is upset or even be told off in some form for pinching, how can they develop any sort of resilience?

? I think you've mixed me up with someone else?

You sound like hard work and if the roles were reversed and it was a man behaving like this people would be calling you abusive.
Grow up and get back to work if you need to feel useful and acknowledged.

But she is—or janitor uf you like. She has the job of managing the child and the environs so he can work undisturbed. Its not a task with no value.

@Anonin I'm sorry to DS is a pincher. Years ago we'd pinch them back and they'd know it hurts and stop doing it. I don't know the answer today but you def need to be firmer about him doing it. Maybe you crying out has shown him it hurts mummy and perhaps he'll now stop. I hope so.

Your DH though is a real.problem. how uncaring is he? Nothing for Motgers Day but I bet he got something fir Father's Day. How obnoxious and then to start working - was he working - and leave you being pinched and injured without doing anything wtf. You need a very Frank conversation with him. Be clear about how you feel and what would help.

I think your response is that you are feeling unloved and uncared for and your outbusrts are purely due to the frustration and hurt this has caused you. You may be feeling down/depressed which needs nipping in the bud, so pls see a doc.

YANBU

Yelping when hurt is fine I think.

It was the screaming and shoving later that people are taking issue with.

It is a site for supporting women. That doesn’t mean abusive behaviour is justified. Her actions were not acceptable and to suggest it’s okay because she was tired/end of her tether is not helping anyone.
The OP needs to accept her actions were not acceptable and seek help not have random strangers on the internet tell her it was okay - it wasn’t.
I hope she gets the support she needs for everyone’s sake.

Completely agree @Strictly1! It's getting ridiculous on here with the 'how dare you not support/agree with the OP! She's a woman so you as one must!!'

Sorry so if I was having a hard time that gives me the right (I'm male btw) to push my wife in front of my children! Really if it was the other way round you'd be saying ltb

Did you later scream at your OH and shove them out of a room? You're comparing a normal human reaction to behaviour that would 100% be called abusive if OP had written her DH had treated her that way on father's day.

The posters on here excusing and justifying OPs behaviour sound exactly like my abusive XH. OP might be burnt out or struggling, that doesn't justify or excuse it. The behaviour is wrong. All the poor thing she couldn't help it type posts validate abusive behaviour as an acceptable reaction to stress or strong emotion, it isn't. As competent adults we are responsible for our behaviour, OP needs to seek help and make sure it doesn't happen again