Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

I wondered that too. He's not just jealous of his son having people who love him, but that you have a normal relationship with your family.

Right. So he's a wet lettuce who allows his in laws to force him on holiday, force free childcare on him, and renovate his home against his will without so much as a murmer but can suddenly find his courage when it's just him and his wife? Not sure that's the best defense you could have made for him if I'm honest.

Those of you who simply say he should be grateful have obviously never experienced being pressured and pushed to do things because the in-laws and spouse are happy to do things all together. Lucky you.

OP needs to accept that there must be some change, her husband is unhappy with the set up. It doesn’t matter how happy you all say you’d be, or that you think he’s ungrateful, or that OP is unhappy. His unhappiness needs to be acknowledged and addressed.

It’s obviously the final straw

But he has said, multiple times, that he hates the situation with her parents being around so often. It's in her OP and subsequent posts.

I do agree with you that he shouldn't be so aggressive but I can see why he's got to the point he's at.

I have actually - with an ex. But what I didn’t do was go along on the free holiday to complain. These things will have been obvious all alone, with ever growing clarity.

why did he then have a child? Why did he go on the holiday in order to moan. “You go with your parents and DC, I don’t want to go on holiday with them”. Would have been fine. Going and ruining it is dick behaviour.

I don't think it's being a "wet lettuce" to not want an argument with your partners' parents

I have a good relationship with my FIL but I would never dream of confronting him about anything because he's not my dad and it wouldn't be my place to have that conversation. Equally, if DH was unhappy with something my parents did, I would listen to him and have that conversation myself if needed - I wouldn't expect him to have to do it.

I would be more than happy to debate lots of things with my DH that I wouldn't dream of bringing up with my in-laws - I'm pretty sure that's normal, lol.

Presumably he didn't want to miss out on a week with his son?

OP has never said he wants to say no to the holiday, renovations and free childcare, just that he's annoyed that about having to accept it.

Oh and annoyed that she's close to her parents and loved her grandparents. And that his son might love his grandparents more than him.

He clearly has some deeper issues about family and love, but I don't see why OP should put them into debt for childcare and say no to a holiday and essential repairs to the house just to pander to him.

He should work on himself and why he's feeling this way. Not try and make their lives objectively worse so he never has to feel jealous.

He is deflecting his guilt onto your parents. He wouldn't feel jealous if he felt he spent enough quality time with your ds.

Your parents sound amazing. What's his relationship like with his parents ?

Your baby (and by that I mean partner) needs to do some serious self reflection. He’s on a free holiday with his in laws, what exactly did he expect? Surely any idiot can recognise if someone is paying for you to join them on their holiday the expectation is you spend time together. And in regard to the amount of time you spend with your parents when home what is his preference? That your son potentially loves a key worker more than him? Or that you don’t go back to work so he can exercise as much control over you and who you spend time with as possible? I can’t help but feel he’s definitely meeting the criteria for abusive behaviour in terms of the using isolation section of this image. Does he show any other indicators?

I don't think she has made him go on holiday with them. It was his decision to join them. He could have declined and that's perfectly ok. He could have said no thanks I don't want to go with you I will take a week off another time and spend it with DS. But he didn't. He accepted the holiday like he accepted the free childcare and the free building work on the house
What he can't do is accept the free holiday, which incidentally provides separate accommodation from the in-laws and then object to spending an afternoon each day with the people who have paid for the holiday!

My now adult ds didn’t have grandparents. I don’t mean this as a race to the bottom but I’d have died of gratitude if he’d had loving gp’s like this. I’m afraid your dh is a big baby and should do his own weekend renovations.

Please don't pander to him and sit in the hotel room on the last day of your holiday. Take your ds out and leave the sulky bugger to sulk.

Why would it be an argument with his in-laws? He could easily have said to OP, I don't want to go on holiday with your parents.

I don't disagree with any of that.

But I still sympathise with his situation.

Maybe he felt like he said to say yes because the alternative would have been a week on his own while OP went away anyway?

Ps your parents are saints

more likely he just wanted a free fucking holiday. It doesn’t particularly sound like he’s interacting much with his son from the Op and is moaning about his son being played with by loving grandparents.

Well he's an adult who made a choice voluntarily.

He shouldn't be taking that out on OP by being verbally abusive.

OP says he's with their son and interacting with him all day long

Yep, I've said I agree with you on that point multiple times.

But I still have a degree of sympathy for him all the same.

Maybe he’d like to reduce his hours or stop work and look after his child?

I don’t know why you keep making weird emoji faces with me - she’s saying he didn’t want to hold her child because the grandparents are there. Hell would freeze over before I went on holiday with my MIL but I certainly wouldn’t stop my husband and children going, even if I would miss them.

What changes do you suggest she make though?
Stop the free childcare? Stop the work on the house? Stop the free holidays? It doesn't sound as though the husband wants this. He seems to want the free things he just doesn't want to spend time with the people offering them. He can't have it all ways.