Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

Well if you can’t see it, and can’t accept that your husband feels differently ( and quite a few of us would feel like he does), what’s the point in the thread.
it’s not too much for you, it’s not too much for some people.
but it’s too much for your husband.
You must make changes so he is also happy with life.

Every word of this. Ungrateful bugger.

Do we go into debt to pay for childcare or renovations because of my DPs insecurities? (And they are just insecurities not a general dislike, DP doesn’t see them much just to drop off twice a week, maybe a couple of hours on the weekend if working on house. Not being sarcastic, but really what would you do?)

Sit down with your DP and talk about how you go on from here. Could there be a compromise, and your DS goes to nursery one or two days a week? How necessary are the renovations? Could you change the hours you both work so less childcare is needed? Whatever the answer, I think that not accepting free holidays in the future is a given.

This isn't about how much your DP sees your parents, but how much your DS does, and how intertwined they are in your lives.

I really think you just don't get it (or don't want to get it).

It's not about "spiting" anyone or living in squalor - it's about being an adult, standing on your own two feet and not building a lifestyle that means you're pretty much still fully dependent on your parents.

You're clearly happy with your current set-up but your DP is telling you loud and clear that he isn't - and I suspect it will come to a point where he doesn't want to do it anymore.

Lots of people would rather go without holidays and do their own DIY than be beholden to their in-laws or their parents. DH and I save up or do it all ourselves and if that means it takes a bit longer than ideal, then so be it.

Can your husband reduce his hours/ change his hours so he can do more childcare, meaning your parents are around less and he gets more time with his child?

I agree 100% with this.

Your parents are giving you free childcare, free labour and a free holiday and his reaction is to belittle you and them and blame them for him not being arsed to bond with his son.

I honestly couldn't be with someone who was like this and I don't say this lightly, I'm not one to jump to "ltb" at the drop of a hat on here, but he's being really weird and I wouldn't be comfortable with it at all.

My parents like down the road from us, we see them every few days and they help with childcare (our son is 4) We go on holiday with them where they pay and when we want a holiday just the 3 of us, guess what... We save up and pay for it.

My fil used to do work on the house but he is a very difficult man and made dh feel like crap for not being able to do stuff (he has dyspraxia) so we now don't ask and save to be able to pay people to do jobs we can't manage ourselves.

Your husband needs to check his attitude or jog on quite frankly.

Your DP is awful.

You are seeing your parents for an hour for a swim and then in the evenings for the entertainment.

Your DP has plenty of time to spend time with his DS.

I would be rethinking the relationship with someone so bad mannered, spiteful and churlish.

But you'll get defensive answers on here from posters who hate their in-laws on principle.

This!

cant believe people see his point. Why did he agree to go on a free fucking holiday with them ? It’s pretty clear it would include time with them ffs.

My exDH was like that. He was so jealous of my relationship with my parents. He demanded financial help with our house, and all kinds of other favours, but resented spending time with them and tried to distance me from them.

I left him eventually. Douchebag. Found myself a much nicer man, an actual adult, not a petulant 6 foot moron who can't understand his life has changed.

If your partner, by his own admission,I s jealous, would he consider counselling?
Your parents sound fantastic! Free childcare, DIY expertise and holiday.....what I wouldn't do for that.

How much choice has DP had in all the decisions that have lead to you being beholden to your parents?

you own a house you can’t afford to renovate without your dads help. You can’t afford to pay for it and live without you both working and your parents doing free childcare. You are on a holiday they paid for (but only joining them, you didn’t get to pick it) was he given a serious option to say no, or were you going with DS no matter what?

sorry but this is a lot. If he’s been the one pushing the lifestyle you have (that is completely dependent on your parents free labour and money) then he’s an arse, if it’s you and he’s just been dragged along with you and your parents’ choices, you need to step back and look at how much damage you’re prepared to put your relationship through.

Oh and the lots of family time you have together without your parents - when?! He works 5 days a week, of the other 2, one is with your dad. You have one day a week that’s just the 3 of you. Imagine you only got one day a week with your ds. Would you be pissed off when you took some leave from work and you still have to spend it with your in laws?

I'm assuming nobody held a gun to his head and made him accept the free holiday where he spends an hour with his in laws by the pool and then eats dinner with them.

Similarly re the FIL coming round to do essential work on their house and the PIL providing free childcare.

He sounds weirdly jealous but he's obviously not bothered enough by it to say no to all the free help.

He just wants to take it and then kick off at the OP for it.

They're not his parents, though - maybe he doesn't feel able to say "no" because he knows it will upset his partner/their daughter.

No guns to head.
But of course he could be pushed to do this by the OP
Of course he could be dragged along with plans made by the OP and parents who may operate like a unit together.
Of course this sort of thing happens without guns being held to heads!

He's not bothered about upsetting OP when he's having a go at her about it and trying to ruin their holiday so I don't think it's that.

Confronting your partner isn't the same as confronting your in-laws.

From OP He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it

This isn't the behaviour of someone afraid to voice their opinions on things.

Her DP telling her "Loud and clear" would be sitting down with her and having an adult conversation discussing why it's an issue for him, what he would like to change, and how this could be achieved, rather than just having a tantrum.

Agreeing to going on a holiday paid for by them but then sulking in a room isn't being loud and clear, but hypocritical and passive aggressive.

Making completely OTT, ungrateful and inaccurate comments like "he didn’t realise his life would be this bad" (what, getting a free holiday abroad? my heart bleeds) and he "doesn't get a minute with his son" (after spending 21hrs a day just the 3 of them), and it's "fucking weird" that grandparents want to spend time with their DGC, and WISHING HIS SON WAS NEVER BORN, which is quite frankly a disgusting thing to say, is not a mature or sensible way to sort out his issues.

Its not always necessary to have things spoon-fed to us with explicit statements, surely? He is an independent adult man with autonomy. One assumes that at some point between the parents saying we'd like to pay for you to go on holiday/renovate your home/provide free childcare, and him finding himself in a poolside apartment, with his home under renovation, and his bank balance undepleted by childcare costs, the words 'no thank you' may have sprung to mind.

Yep, I don't disagree that his behaviour is inappropriate but that doesn't mean I don't sympathise with the position that he's in.

Isn't this all because he doesn't have a great relationship with his parents so resents how great your family are

I'm just not convinced that it's as straightforward as you're trying to make it out to be.

As an example, if he'd said he didn't want to go on the holiday, would that have meant him sitting at home on his own anyway while OP went with their DS?

I'd also want to know what chance he had to speak up over the other arrangements.

I wouldn't call being verbally abusive confrontation.

In any case, there's no indication in any of OPs posts that he's ever said he wanted to say no to the holiday, free childcare or renovations and OP pushed him into it.

Her DP telling her "Loud and clear" would be sitting down with her and having an adult conversation discussing why it's an issue for him, what he would like to change, and how this could be achieved, rather than just having a tantrum.

But if you read her posts, he has said that to her - multiple times.