Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

Maybe he would, but is the solution to being unhappy that he likely can’t do that to punish the people who are making his child’s life better with their love and support?

I already make sure we don’t see them unless there’s a reason.

This is really sad OP. You should be able to pop over to see your parents if you want to. He just wants you to take the free childcare, renovations and holidays, then never see them outside of that.

He's an arse OP.

“DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him”

sounds like he isn’t spending a lot of time with him, by his own admission

No, but that's isn't what we're discussing. Is it? We're talking about his failure to politely decline the financial benefits and services he's receiving from his in laws. Its not being a wet lettuce to avoid confrontation, but you'd need to be a singularly spineless to not to be able to say 'no thank you' to their offers.

Exactly. It's not OP or the PILs fault that he can't be a stay at home dad.

Have you not had any time just the 3 of you?

My pil are lovely but I'd find it absolutely suffocating if they were around as much as your parents are

I just don't think it's that easy when your partner is more than happy to accept all the help offered. What's he supposed to do, go to his in-laws and say "I don't care what lastdayblues has said, I don't want you doing x"?

I don't think the problem is your DPs, it's your partner. You say he was NC with his family so obviously he had a poor relationship with them. He reminds me a bit of the young gjrls who have a baby as "someone to love them" because they have a bad childhood, your partner thinks your child loving anyone else means he gets less.
If your partner thinks he can have a second child as a plaything to keep your DPs at bay then there's something very wrong with his attitute to children and love in general. He needs help Op or he will be over possessive all your DC's life and that's not fair to any of you

I think your DH attitude is wrong. The more people that love and care deeply for our children the better surely? Having a loving close relationship with grandparents is a gift, but doesn’t replace the relationship he has with your son.It is up to your husband how he creates his relationship with your son, and I cannot imagine your parents are inhibiting this by your post.
He should just be grateful that he has loving and caring in-laws. Maybe the adjustment to fatherhood is not what he expected, but he needs to grow up.

It sounds like you have wonderful, thoughtful parents OP. It also sounds like your husband is spending too much time judging and criticising, as opposed to thinking and creating the solution. Your parents have broad shoulders. How about you suggest to your husband he talks to them about how he is feeling and you will abide by their collective solution.

I am baffled by these responses, most of which by those annoying people who also refuse to let anyone see the baby when they are first born.
The only thing I could say is, you are on holiday, scrap the routine. Why not go to the beach in the morning with a picnic and a pushchair and just the three of you stay there all day. That way he can have a go at being 'fun dad' if thats his issue and you wont see your parents until teatime. Or even suggest that just the three of you will go out tonight.
I would put money on him having an issue with this too for some obscure reason.
God, if it were me I would be saying, here parents, have the kids tonight, we're going for a lovely childfree meal. Obviously to your husband that would make me the worst parent ever!
By the way, I totally agree with you, he is being ridiculous

OP hasn't given any indication that he's ever said he wants the free help to stop or that he has a viable other option.

They might not be able to stop the free childcare if they can't afford paid childcare. It would be ridiculous to go into debt for childcare, when their child has loving, capable parents to look after them and to do it just because he is jealous.

I've never had experience of having grandparents that live in the same area of the country and my DCs similarly only see their grandparents every few months. However I don't see any issues with how much you or your DC see your parents. When we've been on holiday with parents we've spent the whole time with them!

The jealousy sounds very odd.

You say your DP has a strained relationship with his DM. Is this the root cause of thr jealousy, a toxic childhood?

I just don't think any of that means he's not allowed to be frustrated at seeing his in-laws so often. I also think if this was a woman posting about how much she had to see her in-laws, and how she felt her MIL was taking over, the responses would be much more empathetic, even if she was getting free childcare out of it.

To be honest I think your H is a dick! He is behaving like a spoiled brat - on one hand he is happy you are getting free child care, and your Dad is doing up your house, he is happy to except a free holiday with them but isn’t happy to interact with them for a few hours a day!!

He can’t have it both ways - you either disentangle yourselves a bit (I do have some sympathy for him even though his ridiculous tantrum is off putting!) and you have to step up and pay for nursery/ house stuff - or he puts up with it!!

Why isn’t he up with the the DC at 630, walking with him etc? Surely he can have full 121 time with his son between 6.30- 2pm??

Come on - are you new here? The golden rule on MN is “if you are getting free childcare shut up and put up”.

so many, many threads of women getting their arses handed to them, rightly, because they are getting free childcare and complaining.

the grandparents, I’d bet, would have also had the baby so DP and OP could go for a meal together but he’s not suggested anything he’s just complaining because he’s jealous of a happy family unit he isn’t used to and doesn’t have himself.

Are our feelings always reasonable though? Are we beholden to one person’s feelings that might not actually have any real world bearings, just their own insecurities? Do mine or my son’s count?

Well it might not be as easy as shouting at his wife and calling her names granted, but yes, that's exactly what he should do if that's how he feels. 'We want to pay for your holiday DSIL' 'No thank you in laws. Its very kind of you, but I'd prefer not, as I'd rather us to go away on our own so I get more time with DS'.

YANBU

Three hours on holiday with your parents is not a lot whatsoever. I go on holidays with DH’s side which amounts to 8 adults and 6 children with all of us staying in one villa. We see each other but are free to do our own thing and have dinner all together most nights and chat in the evenings. If we were staying in separate spaces, we would still see each other for about the same amount of time that you all are.

He wants to be the main guy in his son’s life but it doesn’t read (unless I’m interpreting wrong) from your posts that he is proactive about it and perhaps that is the underlying issue with him.

Does he take DS out on his own without you or prompting? When at home, does he play with DS on his own? If he was active with his son, I would think he wouldn’t be so worried about how much time your parents spend with him.

It is the golden rule, but when in-laws are involved, there's still a significant amount of empathy doled out too.

I just think it can be really difficult when you're the "outsider" in a family situation like this. If OP and her parents both want the same thing, it's really not as straightforward as just saying "no".

I kind of understand. We holiday with DH parents but we only see them once a week on a Saturday. (We live with my parents who are elderly and as much as they love our DS they are very limited as to what they can do with him. Not that I expect them to as they let us live here.) DH parents are early 50s and FIL pays for the holiday plus food and lots of other stuff. Fortunately I get on with MIL and FIL and enjoy letting them play with and treat DS as they are rather restricted as to what they're allowed to do with their other grandsons. I wouldn't think it was weird ,it would be weird if your parents didn't bother at all though.

All I’m going to say is that you’re going to need that great relationship with your parents when you finally dump this insecure man child of a ‘D’ P of yours… please stay close to them.

Tell him to stay with his son & you spend more time at the pool.
I'd also tell him to stay with him in the evening & you go out with your DP.
He sounds sullen & ungrateful.
Sorry I think your H is being a wet lettuce.

Absolutely this