Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

It must be stifling for your partner to be so enmeshed and beholden to your idyllic family and idyllic Mummy and Daddy.
You do sound like a Mummy and Daddy's girl and they provide a lot for you.

But I would just like opinions on this one point

But you can't just take this one point in isolation. If your DS didn't see your parents so much at other times, I'm sure the holiday set up would be fine. We've holidayed with my parents, and with my in-laws over the years, and it's been fine. But they are not as involved as your parents are on a day-to-day basis. I guess it just feels too much to your DH.

I am not concerned about our nuclear family, we are a team. It sounds like your DH doesn't feel as much a part of the team as you, your DS and your parents. You don't really seem to be trying to see his point of view at all.

Would that work if the situation in the op was with the fathers parents?

There's 2 issues here I think, he is being a child BUT also he is right

But it would appear if this keeps up with you being way too close to your parents you may end up living with them as a single parent, do you really think things should carry on as they are? It is not normal

I think your parents sound lovely & extremely generous. Your husband is an ungrateful twat.

Kindly, you’ve had a lot of differing opinions on this yet you’re pushing back against the ones who sympathise with your dp. I sympathise with all of you but you obviously disagree with your dp, came on here to get people’s points of view but you don’t like it. Personally, while I get on very well with my inlaws, I wouldn’t like to see them several times a week and then every day on holiday where I felt they were ‘taking over’. Yes it’s all very well for them to say of course just see us when you want yada yada but the point is you want to spend time with them all the time when your dp maybe wants to spend time with his partner and son exclusively sometimes. It’s hard when you feel you’re being sucked into a situation and you find it’s not always to your liking. Then when he talks about his feelings, he gets short shrift. Yes, he might’ve loved to spend time with your parents in the past but it’s a different situation now. If you value your dp, listen to him.

kind of get it. All sounds a bit enmeshed. However he's happy to take the free childcare and renovations so unfortunately you are both going to be so beholden, particularly as your parents age).
This is just the beginning.

I copied the first response as imo it hits it on the nail.

Your relationship with your parents sounds similar to mine when I was bringing up my own sons. They are all above 24 and have all left home now.
I had a VERY enmeshed relational with them, very codependent with my mum. My DH didn't really say too much, took advantage of it tbh I would say in many ways. But reading your post , we didn't spend as much time with them as I am imaging from reading your post, that you do.
FForward to many yrs on now and I have an almost estranged relationship with my parents. Their 'involvement' due to how much they 'love' me didn't stand up in the years following. They showed how 'controlling' they were in relation to my sons lives. I didn't SEE how their control was always there when it was just me, its when they started controlling my kids that I STOOD up to them. They of course didn't like that and as the yrs rolled on, I asserted more and more boundaries thank god. They are not a feature in my life now. As for my DH , its better without my parents in our lives but we have a lot of issues, its not an emotionally safe relationship I am sad to say but I am doing pretty well and I have learnt to stand up for myself due to my extremely controlling and emotionally abusive parents.
My relationship with my 3 sons is going from strength to strength.
Good luck!

I have lots of nice things to say about my partner. But I would just like opinions on this one point.

But this situation doesn't exist in isolation. You can't just ignore what happens the rest of the time.

Please don’t belittle me for “idyllic”. I’m not saying my life is better than any others, I’m just appreciative of how lucky we are and very aware that people have much bigger problems.

Do we go into debt to pay for childcare or renovations because of my DPs insecurities? (And they are just insecurities not a general dislike, DP doesn’t see them much just to drop off twice a week, maybe a couple of hours on the weekend if working on house. Not being sarcastic, but really what would you do?)

Not being sarcastic, but really what would you do?

Maybe you guys need to start learning to stand on your own two feet.

Genuine question but why can you not afford childcare?

The fact children cost should not be a surprise, child care costs are easy to find out before having a child

And renovations are not essential

Sure you have the right to justify anything you like but you are determined for him to be in the wrong about your parents, sure he is acting like a twat but doesn't make him wrong for the situation just the behaviour

It would be a long post if I were to wax lyrical about everything me and my partner have been through and his entire personality. Can we not take it as read that I like him but we aren’t sure how to navigate this small area of our lives? What do you want to know?

I think it sounds nice! And I'm jealous, I love spending time with my family but we live too far to see eachother daily.

If your partner wants a different set-up, he needs to get a better job to pay for nursery, holidays and house repairs.

Your parents sound lovely and your partner is being weird!

But it is not a small area of your life. It is a real problem for your partner and you could compromise just a bit to make it more comfortable for him.
All you appear to want is for posters to agree with you. A lot are saying most women could not manage with that degree of involvement/enmeshment from their in laws.
You could compromise and do your own thing for a week whilst your parents are away. It might help the three of you feel like a proper family in your own right.

Well, I think if he's genuinely amazing in all other areas, it may be worth thinking about whether he has a point about this particular issue.

Whereas if he has a tendency to be a bit of a dick (not saying this is the case) then I would be more inclined to ignore him about this issue, iyswim.

Some children are a surprise… however ours was not. We agreed my parents could care for him whilst we work. But I think seeing how much they love each other has brought about a lot of jealousy. (Although DS is always so excited to see his daddy and he clearly sees us as the main caregivers… daddy definitely being the favourite!)

Our renovations are essential.

I don’t mean to be defensive I’m just trying to get the scenario clear.

I agree with this, there’s the feeling the primary relationship is you, your parents , the child and husband comes second to all of you busying around. It might suit some.
it certainly doesn’t work for everyone. I’d run a mile rather than live like this and some on this thread feel the same. Others think it’s fine.

You need to accept your husband is tired of the sight of your parents around all the time and needs his wishes taken into account otherwise he’ll need to leave the ‘idyllic’ life.

Would that be in your child’s interest? Of course not. So listen to your husband.

My parents go away multiple times a year so we definitely do that.

i don’t want to criticise I’m genuinely asking ok what do we do about it then?

I hate whenever there is a a complaint about a male partner on here and his close relationship with his parents, he is called a Mummy's boy.
However OP you really are a Mummy's Girl and a bit of a princess if you cannot put your partner first once in a while.

So compromise. For the remainder of the holiday, spend the days just the three of you. Eat alone without them in the evening.
Make memories of times when it is just the three of you and not the four of you with an unhappy partner tagging along.

i don’t want to criticise I’m genuinely asking ok what do we do about it then?

You need to start doing things for yourselves not relying on your parents to help with so many things. They do all your childcare and spend a day a week renovating your home - doesn't any part of you want to be independent and stand on your own two feet?

What would I do?

I’d start listening to my partner before I ended up a single parent, learn how to do some DIY, start standing on my own two feet and stop relying on my parents for everything.

Yes but Liz put my mortgage up by £900 a month and I had a baby and they are expensive. am not going to sit in squalor and get into debt just to spite people who are trying to help? I honestly can’t see how our son being with them 3 days a week and one holiday is so crazy ???

We had this relationship with my parents when DS was little. Very close, did lots together, holidays together.
My dad is now dying and DS is 12. I’m so glad we all shared these wonderful memories. DS is very close to us and his grandparents!
Only difference is my DH is nice and yours sounds horrible.