Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

Hundreds of parents rely on their parents for childcare!
It's really not unusual at all.

You see them for an hour in the pool in the afternoon and a couple of hours for dinner at night, that's nothing, he has plenty of time with his son if he chooses to make it count.

Also at 1 yrold your son should be a bit more flexible in his routine and not living by the clock.

Your partner needs to give his head a wobble and grow up.

No, that is an acceptable answer re marriage and commitment. Just wanted to be clear this is not another area your DP feels he has no say/control over but just going along with what you and/or you and your parents think his life should be like.

I appreciate a lot of this, I think it’s balanced. I only said idyllic because we are healthy and have a beautiful baby boy who brings us such joy. I didn’t want it to mean anything deeper than that

On the fence here. That is an awful lot of time with gp. Do you ever get family time together. Can understand why your dp feels pushed out. I have similar with dh parents so probably understand how your dp feels. However I noticed recently dh is saying it's too much and dd said similar so time been reduced.... My dh parents are vvvvv nice and I'm very lucky to have them but they very full on and seeing them. They didn't do childcare like your parents are but we're here all the time. You do need time as a family and if you working full time they doing childcare and then going on holiday with them...where's your family time. Just offering another view.

I’m surprised by the comments about this. DS is and always has been the ruler of his own destiny! We don’t clock watch at all but it usually ends up being around 2pm

Not at all extremely wealthy! The inheritance point was more about any wealth we may one day make ourselves! (Which is why we don’t have to worry about that yet!)

however, more money than DP is used to so I still take your point.

we are both on good wages with good careers (despite our current financial worries!) it’s just that we’re starting out in life and it’s tough. This won’t be forever.

Glad I am not the only one who sees this! ONE full day just 3 of you would really have been good and catch up with parents and both groups talk about their day.

Glad OP has since acknowledge that she now sees she should have asked for one day. OP needs to be in control.

This reminds me of my first major hols with DH where we were meeting up with his sis and her husband- they had a yacht going around the world and were docking near Florida when we would be there. From day one of planning our hol, he said we have 10 days; we will be on our own for first 5 days. SIL then joined us for 3 days and last 2 days were just us. It was Florida, Disney and Universal studio. We did one Disney day with them and sea world and we did Universal studio day on our own after they had left. They even hosted us for a Christmas dinner at another hotel. Only now I see the logic in my DH's planning which made for one of our memorable holidays. I wouldn't want my whole holiday with in laws- paying or not paying.

I'd imagine that the realisation that you are bankrolled by your parents means he's beholden to them.

If he doesn't like it then you're going to have to make some changes. That being said, he also needs to change his attitude in the way he's treating you.

I genuinely don't see why your DP is making such a big fuss it's not as if your parents are monopolising your ds as soon as he pings awake in the morning they want an hour with him in the afternoon and some time at dinner. That's fine. What about when at home your DP has ds 24/7 to himself?

Good parents don't expect to monopolise their children's affection and don't begrudge them close relationships with others.

You say your partner was no contact with his parents for a long time. Is there a backstory there that is affecting his thoughts and feelings regards relationship with his own son? And it's boiling over into irrational thoughts and emotions.

However, he should not be blowing up at you, saying he hates you or that he wished you hadn't had your son.

I didn't say he was resentful, I said I can understand why he finds the current set-up difficult.

well, yes, I get this.

And could we also say that 'good adult children' with good careers- should not rely on parents for 100% childcare, renovations and holidays!

Time to grow up.

I would say to your DP that you need some counselling sessions when you return to the UK.

His responses simply aren't normal.

I can understand he might feel emasculated by your DPs support, but in which case why accept a free holiday from them and then bitch when they not unreasonably want to spend some - and indeed not all - of their time with you.

If he wants to be more independent then fine, but that means saying no to the freebies and support.

Thanks. But grown ups can also accept help when offered. I’m not so childish to refuse on principle. We would be ok without them if need be, however as it’s offered I am extremely grateful.

What do you do for them in return for all their support?

It sounds normal to me. My own parents were heavily involved with my DS and often came away with us. The difference was my exDH got on well with my parents and appreciated all the help they gave us. We spent every Xmas with them too. His own parents weren't involved very much and/because they lived hours away.
I think your DP is using them as an excuse for whatever else is on his mind. He may be jealous of the good relationship you all have and feels guilty and/or left out. He is being out of order throwing a stop on holiday but I'd leave any discussions til you get home.

He’s not used to children whereas your DM and DF are. He needs to make his own one on one time with DS. He could’ve gone off on any day just him and DS for a few hours. He needs to be proactive and do something positive about it rather than moaning. What did he suggest he does? Nothing I bet

Also, I am now coming around to the point previously made that DP should have also asked her parents for one day. As I said, the whole group should have planned this holiday before departure or soon after arriving. I don't see why any grandparents or parents would find that suggestion weird unless accompanied by unresolved jealousy issues which your Dp clearly has.

One can also say, because of how he feels emaciated, he probably doesn't feel comfortable enough to be able to ask or suggest.

Whatever it is, this marriage needs counselling and focusing on you 2 being able to afford your childcare, renovations and holidays. Your DP really can't have it both ways. People who respect themselves, would have declined the holiday offer. Not go along and bitch about unresolved issues whilst there ruining it for your oh.

Your parents are already VERY aware that your DH doesn't like them. They're avoiding you all as much as they can bar the 3 hours together, I feel desperately sorry for them. Tell him to get a grip (not that easy I know). He wouldn't even fucking be on holiday or able to work as he does without them the ungrateful spoilt brat.

Agree.

I wonder how much one on one time he actually chooses to spend with his son regularly or does OP have to prompt him. It reads like he using her parents as an excuse for his own insecurities and lack of involvement with his son.

YANBU we see my parents all the time and my kids love spending time with them. These are memories they will cherish as they get older and it sounds lovely how much they dote on your DS

Partner is getting a free holiday and he's moaning that grandparents want to spend time with grandchild?! Frigging hell! We normally holiday just as our little family but my partner actually suggested my parents come along on the last one! He needs to get a grip.

I know right!

he needs to look up the definition of the word ‘gratitude’ and start practicing it