Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

It’s really hard to detail every interaction we’ve had between us as partners and with my parents over the last 7 years.

there are also other conversations within that time that I have missed.

I’m surprised “if DP is rude then stop DF coming over” - put to one side my scenario - you think the one that’s rude gets to have his way?

The fact he wants your Dad to come over and help with DIY but the avoid and not even say hello to his grandchild is BONKERS.

There is something going on inside your DP linked to his childhood/insecurities/controlling - he needs to address this via therapy.

It is not too much expect to spend 2-3 hours per day with the other people you have gone on holiday with particularly when they haven't been pushy etc.

No, I get that. The problem with it is, OPs husband is clearly not the timid retiring type when it comes to how he treats OP, so it does seem to snack a little of bully/coward if he'll shout at her but not be even slightly assertive with them. It may not be easy, but there's no evidence hes even tried. In fact, the OP has actually now confirmed he does want her dad to do the work on the house anyway. Just without speaking to his grandchild.

If I’m holidaying with anyone I’d expect to see them everyday! What’s stopping DP from doing something with his son on his own if that’s what he wants?

I will always do that, as long as they are reasonable. I’m not Thelma nor Louise. That’s the point of the post really. Are his concerns reasonable enough to cause the upset and change to our life?

Your DP is very willing to take the freebies, in relation to cost free childcare and renovations, but resents the rest?

He's the problem here.

PPs will be pleased to see I’m backing my DP at this, he is definitely a little shy around others and not the bully type. He is upset that I’m not backing him and speaking to my parents “you’re good at that you know they’d listen to you!” But I am struggling because I just don’t agree. I’m also struggling because I do want to have his back whenever I can but don’t feel I can for this. I don’t want to send my baby to a nursery with people he doesn’t know and spend a fortune for the pleasure because of what I think may be unreasonable I securities.

You half quoted my sentence. I said so 'you live in squalor' - which neither if you would want- or are you able to suddenly afford a handyman to do the works on the house which DF does?

I find people who intentionally miss the point, do so as part of historic, unresolved issues. Is this how you argue with DP? Cutting his sentences midway to 'make your point'? You can make your points easily without any misrepresentation. You have my sympathies as DP needs counselling but you too probably need similar counselling- there is just something about this set up, that is not right.

I think he is being totally unreasonable. One of the things I have always highly valued about my H is his willingness to spend time with my parents, and now my Mum has died, with my Dad. To the extent he was fine with us taking my Dad on a cruise last year and then in a motorhome for 2 weeks - and that is claustrophobic!

Is there something behind this? Maybe leave him with your DS and have some time with your parents. Hope he stops sulking soon.

Anyway, answer this- are you @Lastdayblues spending your last day on holiday on MN as DP threw a massive tantrum? Please tell me not and that you are back home or something.

Does HE not want to marry you? You really don't want to answer this, or do you? You clearly don't want to marry him and I can half see why.

100% I agree with this!

Agreeing with the bit why DP can't take DS on HIS own all day somewhere? Even staying in the room ALL DAY if he is that 'entitled'?

Baby is sleeping, I am getting ready for dinner with a glass of rose (and MN).

we’ve said we’ll get married one day so as to sort out inheritance tax issues… otherwise it is not our priority. We made a commitment many times including buying a house and having a baby. We are both completely protected should things go awry, I have ensured that. There is nothing else a wedding could provide us. I really don’t want to derail the thread about this, you’ll just have to trust me.

I can't understand why you're getting a hard time OP. Your parents sound lovely and your DH sounds a bit pathetic. He's clearly jealous but that's his issue. He can't accept help then resent it. He's acting like a petulant child. If I was in your parents position I'd actually be a bit offended that i'd paid for your holiday and you were all keeping your distance.

I would ask him what he actually wants because to me, this sounds like a lovely arrangement.

Hands on grandparents doing child care to help you out and saving you money.

Generous and thoughtful grandparents taking you on holiday but giving you every morning to yourselves.

I honestly cannot see the issue. The alternative is he pays for childcare and he pays for a holiday !

Maybe it’s about time you and your husband both stood on your own two feet and paid for your own childcare and house renovations? Could that help? @Lastdayblues

Given how close you are, couldn’t you have said to your parents that you are going to have one complete day and evening as a three? That would have helped your DP see that you are valuing his feelings. Or is the paid holiday dependent on seeing your parents every afternoon and lunch time.

I quoted part of your post for brevity. I apologise if it was meant in a sarcastic tone and I had missed that.

thank you for your opinion, how do you feel about people who make sweeping hurtful statements about people for one simple mistake?

Yes they would have been completely fine with this and maybe I should have. But in reality has only been four days of this arrangement, I didn’t think I needed to..

Why dont you suggest Leaving your son with him tonight and go spend a baby free evening with your parents and then he can spend the evening bonding with his baby. I bet he won't be willing to do that

Your parents sound amazing and also the best up sounds a bit suffocating so I get your DH. Don’t your parents want 1-2 evenings to have a dinner on their own? Go for a walk/ visit something in the area while you 3 enjoy the pool?
just for some perspective- my DH was similar with his DP in the beginning ( they live close by etc) and I had no chance to tell like I ‘want’ to see them as they were always around. As DC grew a little, we had birthday parties to go to, activities to get to etc and we got and continue to get more and more space. However I never felt like they ‘stole’ my bond with my DC due to their involvement.

I mean, if I were a grown adult and relying on parents to pay for a holiday or for childcare then I'd be pretty embarrassed to be honest. He's probably resentful and feeling insecure deep down that the both of you can't afford your lifestyle on your own.

It does sound enmeshed. And I'm sure they are absolutely lovely but this would understandably be too much for many people. He is being stupid about it but I can totally see how this would be the straw that broke the camel's back. You can't describe your lifestyle as idyllic when you can't afford it without the bank of mum and dad and when your partner is clearly very unhappy. I think that comment is telling.

I’m assuming that the OP parents are extremely wealthy, hence the concerns about inheritance. I assume her partner thinks that now she has the baby she’ll walk away and go back and live with her parents with no money worries and he’ll then get limited access to his son. His worries may be unfounded but it’s clear he feels threatened.

@Lastdayblues

this is a good suggestion OP ⬆️ why not try this? Win, win all round

We have no idea that he is resentful of any of that.

They CANNOT afford nursery and I'm pretty sure the OP and her husband discussed the renovation plans when they bought the house.

She said he was fine till they had their DS and then he's started feeling jealous. I'd genuinely like to know if there were any grounds for that. He's got far more time on holiday with his son than her parents have.