Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

Put your partners needs/wishes above your parents, your marriage will start TO THRIVE!!

@Lastdayblues This thread is hilarious as one needs to read all your defensive posts to get a picture somewhat. It is good you are willing to defend your opinion by all means.

Why are you not married? I see you don't want to answer this. Is it to do with finances- house and potential inheritance from your parents? This would have a bearing on his 'blowing up on holiday' if you are really interested to engage he real issues. But you seem uninterested in his perspective.

I post as someone from a close knit family and understand close family relationships- so to me that is not the issue. in and of itself. It is lovely and idyllic as you put it 😊.

I also fail to understand why your DP cannot save or work harder enough to afford a holiday for just 3 of you that he really wants/ feel entitled to. This comment is independent of how many times you see parent normally and how many hours you see them on this holiday. You are even lucky, you get some time alone, as the holiday could have been set up (sharing a villa etc) that you would be 'together' with your parents from waking up to going to bed.

Also, can you answer if there is a separate pool, beach nearby or something ELSE equally fun you could do/ could have done with just the 3 of you from 2pm. Regardless of whether he is beggar and cannot be a chooser etc etc, I do feel ONE day without either a 2pm meet up with parents or evening, would be welcome. I love my in laws, but would deffo need a full day or all day bar evening without them on an afternoon, just ONCE. the only issue is if your DP would still not be satisfied with ONE full day without your parents, which probably he wouldn't. Can you see this point from his perspective?

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that they’ve paid…. They in no way expect anything because of it. I would still think it’s reasonable to see them for an hour at the pool and for an hour at 2 for dinner.

the mention of childcare and things is only to say that they don’t interfere other than what we very gratefully take advantage of (the days they do childcare and days they are at the house working for us). We rarely see them outside this. They don’t do it to get anything over from us but it’s just to show that we can’t really see them much less?? Surely a lot of people have GPs doing childcare for three days a week (if they’re lucky enough).

For example DP would like dad to come over and work but not say hello to his grandson while he’s there. This just seems ridiculous to me, it takes a few minutes out of our day and surely DS would be upset that his grandfather is avoiding him??

I’m very surprised that anyone thinks these small interactions are hurtful. It's actually a bit sad.

I’m very grateful for all the comments though, they’ve really made me think.

“For example DP would like dad to come over and work but not say hello to his grandson while he’s there”

this is beyond rude and unreasonable.

your parents sound lovely, your husband sounds like a resentful user.

@Lastdayblues Don't be disingenuous. You can see my comment especially is not wholly based on the fact that your parents paid. I can even go as far a to say, it is irrelevant. Can you still not try to understand it?

I hope the comments that have made you think have made you realise that you have two toddlers in your life - and you’d probably be better off without one of them.

For example DP would like dad to come over and work but not say hello to his grandson while he’s there. This just seems ridiculous to me, it takes a few minutes out of our day and surely DS would be upset that his grandfather is avoiding him?

That is so outrageously unreasonable.

Come over regularly and do me a massive favour, but don't speak to your grandchild because I'm a giant baby and can't handle my son loving anyone but me. What an absolute bellend.

I can yes, but when you factor in travel time (and actually one day we did miss the pool) we’ve only had five days, including today which he missed. So four days of pool at 2pm. We could have done something else I’m sure but frankly we’re both a bit nervous of going too far with him as he’s still young and anyway he’s really loving the pool and didn’t want to spoil his fun.

OP has posted to clarify since we've been discussing it and he does want the free stuff after all.

Not too clear why this gem has once made a mention when OP saw most people weren't on her side. As I tried to say, there seemed to be 'huge issues' with the whole set up at home which OP needs to address.

If DP is rude to parents, OP should stop DF coming over to do unpaid work and let the 3 of them live in squalor as she said. Anyway, how do grandparents interact with DS? I wouldn't want any of my own family 'fussing' over my toddler to the point I feel it is to much. IS this what OP's partner sees? OP is just not very clear, but came to bring/ continue her fight to/on MN.

Also, I really dont think we need to get into the politics of marriage at this point.

but I’m glad my concerns have brought you joy.

83% say she is not being unreasonable . How is that most people not agreeing with her?

You seem determined to pick holes in the OP and seem to have decided she's a liar.

He didn't say he didn't want fussing, but he wanted no interaction at all. That's absolutely ridiculous.

You might not want anyone fussing your toddler, but what if your toddler enjoys the interaction with their grandparents. Would you stop it happening because you were jealous and worried they wouldn't love you anymore? Surely parents are meant to put their kids first, not their own petty jealous feelings.

Your partner can't have it both ways he's very reliant on your parents and wouldn't be able to cope without them but also doesn't want them around. If he doesn't want them around as much, he needs to be more independent and be able to provide for his child and either do his own renovation or pay someone to do it.

OP for the all those saying imagine if the sexes we're reversed-they are in our circumstances

My PIL look after our children twice a week (we could afford nursery but they like the time and are happy to do it) and once a year pay for a holiday for us and them together with our children

We see them regularly (just back from a pub lunch with them) and WhatsApp every day.

They treat me with the same kindness it sounds like your parents treat your DP. My FIL is also often found around our house with his tool set

For me, I love it. My children adore them and it helps take the load off. They give us time as a couple on holiday but we also do things as a smaller family.

I don't find it suffocating but I wonder if that is because I see them as helping the load. Whereas it sounds like your DP doesn't do much of the 'load' himself so he doesn't recognise it as help, more interfering?

If you are on holiday together I would expect to spend far more time together than that.

Your parents have paid for you to have a separate apartment? And you only meet up in the afternoon and evening?
I mean I am not sure it gets better than that.
This does NOT seem extreme at all.

I would put a small bet on your parents partly feeling like they have to play in the pool etc because your DP is not being proactive enough.

I sort of understand feeling endebted to your inlaws is not ideal but that's hardly their fault and something to address long term.

OP, your parents sound really lovely and your DP is being a prick. I would find his jealousy absolutely pathetic. And he owes you an apology for calling you names. I'd leave him to it and go and have a nice time with your parents and DS. It sounds like you're treading on eggshells during this holiday so he isn't annoyed by how much time you're spending with your parents. He needs to grow up.

How hurt your poor parents would be if they knew your DP's thoughts & feelings on this. They'd feel it was a,slap in the face which, come to think of it, is just what your DP needs, along with a kick in the balls. He is a an ungrateful twat.

For example DP would like dad to come over and work but not say hello to his grandson while he’s there. This just seems ridiculous to me, it takes a few minutes out of our day and surely DS would be upset that his grandfather is avoiding him?

I know I've already commented on this, but bloody hell.. It's so unbelievably rude. The bare-faced cheek of it!

Aside from the cheek, he'd rather upset his DS by thinking his grandfather is ignoring him, than deal with his own feelings of jealousy.

Really awful OP.

I don’t think I quoted you? Just been thinking about it and wish I hadn’t, but I wanted to give a clear picture.

I can absolutely see how GPS can be too much. I can’t really see how in this scenario they are though. They love us a lot, but luckily that means I also have the secure attachment with them that I can say if it’s too much and we discuss any problems. When he was first born they were coming over every day, I know my parents thought they were being helpful, doing washing, food etc.. but I can also see this was a lot for DP. within a few days of this I spoke to them and it stopped, for a long time they didn’t come to the house and I went to them to visit (on DP request). Actually, I think this is pretty much still the case (as it’s just childcare days)

i guess the crux of the problem here is that I genuinely don’t know what to say to them this time. I listen to the amount of times they check with us and are so respectful to us as a family, it makes it very hard for me to tell them that they are being too much when I don’t believe they are. Do I tell them that DP feels like that? Surely I’m just dropping him in it then?

That’s what really gets me, they care about him a lot and have supported him in so many ways. I don’t want to tell them how he feels, not because it would stop the financial or any other type of support they provide, they’d just be really really upset.

He's being a prick. But you both made the decision to have a baby when you actually can'tafford it, now you are super reliant on your parents and it's putting a strain on your marriage.

Tell him to get a second job so you can afford to pay for your own holidays.

Ok. This is a fair answer. Thank you. Out of 4 days, I would still expect 1 day just us 3. But if DS loves the pool so much, I can also see the reason why all adults including DP have to put DS first. I can also see it would be ridiculous to then ask your parents to leave the pool at 2pm so you can enjoy.

I think the poster who suggested you did something in the morning just 3 of you, had a good point. I would try pool first thing in am just 3 and go nap at 2pm. But you said, you don't get going until 2pm so this doesn't work.

I would also 'expect' your parents to let you have the pool ONE day, but they would do so diplomatically- I really can see this. My family would do this/ find something else to do although I would not demand/ expect/ feel entitled to it- could they not do something else or do they too find it dangerous to be away from the holiday place.

So, you have bigger issues in your relationship that you should address or go separate ways.

I have NC, so I can be honest. I too had a jealous DH- it is now better once he finally admitted it, but I suspected it- he found me living a fabulous lifestyle off of my own sweat, so I have an easy life (work when I want etc etc) but all stuff invested away before I met him. My family is also 'wealthy enough'; that when I visited them for 5 months :-) ( it is far-and I video called him daily, he was even more shocked that they live on a ranch with all the trimmings (never told him as it is not something I would just talk about)- all hard work. He hasn't been able to visit yet, because he cannot leave his business for too long and he tried a cover once but it ruined his business. It was so much better when he admitted it. Luckily by then, he had already built an idyllic (love the word) relaxing area in our garden with a hot tub for me, as I was swimming daily at my family's place. I mean he still doesn't know the extent of the entertainment area and that it includes a massive hall. So I have been there. I get no handouts from family nor do I give them handouts. Last part was relevant when he was dishing out money he didn't have to a distant relative, so he thought he could use it to say I do the same- I don't. We don't believe in handouts of any kind- just sharing our love :-)😎

i guess the crux of the problem here is that I genuinely don’t know what to say to them this time.

You don’t say anything to them. If your partner has an issue he can say it. Spending three hours a day with people who have paid for your holiday is hardly demanding. We used to go away with mine, pay for our own holiday and spend all day with them with the evenings on our own. My bloke never complained once.

OP I really don't think you spend excessive time with your parents.
I think your DP has background issues around family, love and parenting that he probably needs to address.
Seeing your parents/inlaws every days is FAR more common than going no contact with them.

I mean in other cultures including western europe, many grandparents live with their grandchildren as an extended family in the same house!
I have been on holiday with my inlaws twice....and we spent a LOT more time together. Some minor irritation but not much.
And if the only reason you are seeing them daily at home is because they are working for you that's also normal.....how would he cope with DS being with a nanny or child minder every day AS WELL as having grandparents??

I think he probably needs counselling as it sounds like his childhood messed him up.