To hire a private investigator to follow my ex?

[Duckydoop]

I was married for 20 years and had a relatively good marriage with minimal conflict. My husband would tell me that he loved me regularly and we spent lots of time together. Everyone on the outside said we had an envious marriage and that my husband looked so inlove with me. I felt secure and happy to spend the rest of my life with him.

This all changed when he told me one day that he had mental health issues and needed sometime away from me and our children (we have 4 children together). He proposed spending a couple months living away from the family home to sort himself out.

I was devastated and told him that if he left and didn’t work on our marriage (I suggested, timeout and space but still living in the family home and counselling) then to forget it. I felt like I didn’t want to wait around for a whole 2 months looking after the kids, working and suffering while he was out doing god knows what.

2 weeks after telling me he was unwell mentally, he left the family home. I don’t have much of a support network, no family in this country and very few friends I can ask for help. So I really struggled to take care of my children and work full time, whilst feeling very alone and confused.
However, people around me at the time said that he must of left for another woman and surely I must have women’s intuition. I really did not see all of this coming and the only reg flags were when he started a new job he started losing weight and dressing differently. He was also secretive with his phone but really wasn’t spending any time outside of the family home, he spend weekends with me and would come home on time from work everyday.

Since he left 18 months ago he has sworn on his life that there was no other woman involved. In this time I filled for divorce which he begged me not to do. He said he still loves me and one day we’ll be together but refused to move back into the family home and work through things. He has continually breadcrumbed me and I feel so depressed and alone. I have constant anxiety and just want to know why he left and have some closure. I feel I deserve this after 20 years and 4 children. People keep telling me that I need to move on because it’s obvious he has someone else. But i just really want to know to help me from constantly trying to figure out what happened. In our time apart he managed to complete a master’s degree, which people say should prove he wasn’t suffering from mental issues.

The thing that makes me confused is that we talk on the phone multiple nights a week for hours at a time. He also sometimes stays at my home on the weekend (no sex). How would he be able to do all this with a partner?

I feel so desperate to end the breadcrumbing cycle and accept that our marriage is over. But, I really want the truth AIBU to hire a private investigator to follow him, so I can finally get answers and the closure I need?

Your choice was to end the marriage rather than live separately. Perfectly reasonable.

but when you divorced him you lost any right to know about his life.

stop talking to him. Stop having him stay over. That’s gore you end things.

organise child support and shared custody. If he doesn’t want to care for his children, then go after proper maintenance. This all should be formally agreed to - you can do this amicably or not, if he’ll cooperate then amicable is best for all.

having him followed is basically paying someone to stalk him. It’s wrong

Maybe knowing he has another woman will help you to set some boundaries. But you could do that without knowing anything more than you already do.

He left you, saying it was temporary, and you decided (entirely legitimately) that you didn’t want to be strung along. So why are you on the phone with him for hours at a time? Why is he staying over?

Instead of wasting money on a private detective, block his number, block him on social media, and communicate with him only by email and only about the children.

At this point it doesn’t matter why he left.

You are unreasonable to spend another second worrying about or concerning yourself with someone that has treated you like this. Hold you head up high and move on with your life.

You need to cut him off no more long talks on the phone strictly about the children

I don't see why not.

Thank you for your responses so far, you’ve made some very valid points. I really want to move on but, I’m just confused and I guess part of me wants to have my marriage back. I just think it’s been very hard not having closure and I’m not sure why this is so important to me but it was such a shock when he left that I like I’m emotionally crumbling and just want to know why.

Agree with others, you don’t need to do this in order to move on. He's treated you appallingly and quite rightly, you’ve not put up with it. Stop the calls, stop the overnights and sort official contact with the kids. Yes you’d like to satisfy your urge to know why it ended but that’ll have to come from him. And not knowing doesn’t stop you from making a clean break from him.

Is it another man maybe?

‘Closure’ is made up. If you find he has someone else, you won’t remove the anxiety, it will just be replaced with anger and other worries.

Move on, head up.

And no one should be getting PI’s to follow anyone.

Just to add, op, I absolutely get why you want to know - it must have felt like the bottom fell out of your world when he left out of the blue. I hope you can rebuild a better life without him.

I think you'd be far better spending the money on a therapist. You're friends are right, you need to move on. Whatever a private investigator might find out, I doubt it will enable you to move on. It will just give you new things about him to obsess over. You need closure but it is not information that will give you that, it is in realising that you need to make the choice to close this chapter in your life so you can open the next one.

Another thread where posters will tell you to just turn the page. Easy peasy.

Now back in the real world, where 20 happy years of marriage have long become your normality and seeing this shattered in pieces without being able to even start to understand the reason, of course it's perfectly reasonable to hang on to finding the reason to be able to decide what to do.

It is highly likely that there is indeed another woman and most likely a married one herself who is also not sure whether to take the plunge. He is likely waiting to see what she does and so trying to keep you keen in case she decides to save her marriage. It is standard.

There is however a very small chance that he is genuinely suffering from mental health issues and just needing a break to deal with it away from all the pressures of home.

It's totally understandable that you would want to know. You go ahead and do what's right for YOU.

He dumped all the hurt on you and left you to care for 4 kids while he looked after himself. Regardless of if he's got another woman or not can you forgive this? Mental health struggles or not is it fair to walk out on your children and leave their care solely to a now over stretched mother? Is that forgivable? Maybe he had another woman or maybe he just got fed up with domestic duties. Now he gets to have the long conversations and all the special attention from you with minimal effort from him. He's got the best of everything.

Sorry for adding information after but an additional pressure is that my children want to know why he walked out also. They are confused and I have been very careful to not project my feelings onto them. So I haven’t said I want to know why he left in front of them or anything to this extent. But when the children ask I say your dad was not happy here because of me not you. They ask their dad why he left and he’ll tell them because he was struggling mentally even though the signs don’t add up.

Don't use your kids as a way to justify getting a PI. I actually think if you want or need to know then that is your right.

Whether then you have new things to deal with is down on you. Well done for sticking to clear lines with him - that's the best thing you could have done.

Regardless, use some of the money for counselling. It will be worth every penny.

I agree with the pp that confirming there is another woman will not necessarily bring ‘closure’ and you have to be prepared for that. He will probably continue to gaslight you in one way or another. He is not treating you well either way. But if it helps you to know and you can afford it then go for it.

To be honest it's his own business at this stage if he has a new partner. You are no longer together.
Draw a line under it. Why are you still talking to him and having him stay over? He probably thinks he can try and keep the bits of your relationship he liked, while also having his entirely new life. You do not need to spend money having him followed.

Yes an I would agree try counselling first.

@vivainsomnia
This is completely it. I feel completely lost after 20 years of a happy marriage (IMO) and can’t even contemplate dating again or even knowing myself. So much has changed in the world and I got with him at 20 years old, now I’m in my forties and can’t seem to adjust.

He's using you.
He's overwhelmed by family life so wanted that break. But occasionally when he's a bit bored, nothing going on, he fancies seeing the kids in an easy location he rings you for a chat or comes over. And then he leaves.
My ex does this. And I cling to those small moments but I ate myself for it. So be stronger and put a stop to it

Well, it's a bit late now to call the PI. He may not have had another woman/man in his life when he left - but after 18 months he most probably has.

@frankincenseandmyrrh
During our phone conversations and when he comes over he says that he still loves me and is not with anyone to this day. But I feel that I’m probably just clinging to hope and believing his words.

He’s putting you & your children through abject hell because he’s a selfish entitled prick only thinking of himself. Acute mental health problem & doing a masters? Yeh right. He just wants an easy life where he doesn’t have to parent his 4 kids and yeh, I’m sorry to say this but chances are there’s most likely a woman. Hardly any man ever just randomly left and stayed on his own- they generally can’t cope on their own. I’d say you owe it to yourself & the kids to know exactly what he’s up to. His treatment of you all the secretiveness and breadcrumbing is horrific. I couldn’t forgive this. Do it for your own answers cos he isn’t going to give you any….and don’t you dare feel an ounce of guilt about it! X

Closure doesn’t happen with an open door.

I agree with PPs, you want to know what he was/is thinking so you don’t get used

But you are getting used by continuing to have contact without enforcing this boundary

If you’ve told him you want to know and/or move on and a divorce would suggest you have! but continue to behave as if still very close then of course you won’t be moving on any quicker than he’s going to spill his reasons

I imagine he knows the explanation of “I have all the support and attention I want from you and now the ability to keep more secrets, shag about, and avoid any family domestic responsibilities including child-rearing and day to day care” probably won’t go down well & his cosy set up will be buggered up

Tell him to shit or get off the pot.

How would hiring an investigator give your marriage back, if my husband did this to me no matter how unpopular saying this on here is I would think he was unhinged