To hire a private investigator to follow my ex?

[Duckydoop]

I was married for 20 years and had a relatively good marriage with minimal conflict. My husband would tell me that he loved me regularly and we spent lots of time together. Everyone on the outside said we had an envious marriage and that my husband looked so inlove with me. I felt secure and happy to spend the rest of my life with him.

This all changed when he told me one day that he had mental health issues and needed sometime away from me and our children (we have 4 children together). He proposed spending a couple months living away from the family home to sort himself out.

I was devastated and told him that if he left and didn’t work on our marriage (I suggested, timeout and space but still living in the family home and counselling) then to forget it. I felt like I didn’t want to wait around for a whole 2 months looking after the kids, working and suffering while he was out doing god knows what.

2 weeks after telling me he was unwell mentally, he left the family home. I don’t have much of a support network, no family in this country and very few friends I can ask for help. So I really struggled to take care of my children and work full time, whilst feeling very alone and confused.
However, people around me at the time said that he must of left for another woman and surely I must have women’s intuition. I really did not see all of this coming and the only reg flags were when he started a new job he started losing weight and dressing differently. He was also secretive with his phone but really wasn’t spending any time outside of the family home, he spend weekends with me and would come home on time from work everyday.

Since he left 18 months ago he has sworn on his life that there was no other woman involved. In this time I filled for divorce which he begged me not to do. He said he still loves me and one day we’ll be together but refused to move back into the family home and work through things. He has continually breadcrumbed me and I feel so depressed and alone. I have constant anxiety and just want to know why he left and have some closure. I feel I deserve this after 20 years and 4 children. People keep telling me that I need to move on because it’s obvious he has someone else. But i just really want to know to help me from constantly trying to figure out what happened. In our time apart he managed to complete a master’s degree, which people say should prove he wasn’t suffering from mental issues.

The thing that makes me confused is that we talk on the phone multiple nights a week for hours at a time. He also sometimes stays at my home on the weekend (no sex). How would he be able to do all this with a partner?

I feel so desperate to end the breadcrumbing cycle and accept that our marriage is over. But, I really want the truth AIBU to hire a private investigator to follow him, so I can finally get answers and the closure I need?

Why are you continuing to give him so much of your time with the phone calls and weekends when he wasn't willing yo consider you or your family just himself. I actually read a book like this called The break by Marian Keyes.

Do what you need to do if you think it will help you move on but I think it sounds like he couldn't be arsed parenting four children and removed himself for an easier life but still checks in and uses you on the side.

Why are you encouraging/entertaining the visits and long phone calls? Do you want the relationship to be over or not? I agree with the others, hiring a PI and finding out if he's seeing someone else or not, won't actually bring closure. If anything it's just going to add salt to an already open wound.
If you want to leave the door open for him to return, that's up to you... but do you want to be handing around for possibly years waiting for something that might never happen? Personally, I'd say seek counselling/therapy for yourself and end the relationship completely (well as much as you can with children).

Where is the part where op has said no to her husband’s requests to get back together - I think I’ve missed that?

Hi op

I'm sorry you have had to go through this. It had a very similar situation 15 years ago. I posted on here about hiring a PI as the need to know was eating me up. As with your post - the advice on here was to get your own closure and whilst I do think that's good advice, it's easier said than done. I was obsessed with knowing the truth and that closure really only comes with time, when you don't care as much.

I did hire a PI in the end but there were endless complications Ie there were 2 exit doors from his work so they needed an extra person at the other one. I couldn't afford much so it was really only for 1 day. It's v expensive. They couldn't even see him leaving work (I didn't know where he was staying at the time as he wouldn't tell me) . The PI obviously tried to encourage me to hand over more money so they could do it over a longer period of time, but I didn't have the money.

I look back now and it seemed like the right thing to do as it was eating me up inside.. however all I did was lost the money, was no clearer and my obsession with the truth subsided over time. He's still a complete arse today.

I totally understand how you feel but I would say don't waste your money. As others have said, you wouldn't know what was happening 18 months ago which is the time that bothers you the most. Anything that was going on then could be long over by now.

I haven’t ever heard of losing weight AND starting to dress more smartly/be secretive about your phone being indicative of mental illness.

I bet the masters helped him get on further with his career which is why he doesn’t want you to go through CSA as you’d find out what he really earns!

I don’t believe he can’t afford to take the children out. It’s obviously much more convenient to sit in your comfortable home and eat your food.

I'd be tempted to go out when he comes round to see the children if he really refuses to take them out. Absolutely cancel the overnight stays. Stop the phone calls. He doesn’t have the right to keep you have you there at his convenience.

I know you’re distraught but you need to find your anger. He’s taking the piss.

I also think therapy would be a much better investment than a PI.

Child maintenance only take an admin fee if they have to take the money directly from his wages because he's refusing to pay. I'm a few years out of date but it was £20 to set up a claim when I did it. One off payment. Every single year my ex lies about his income and child maintenance check with HMRC and up his payments. He's taking the piss. Go through CMS

The issue here is there are no boundaries from anyone and that’s stopping everyone from living. I don’t see how a PI will help that.

you are divorced. He needs to stop coming to the house, you need to stop chatting on the phone. The children need to see those boundaries in place because it must be very confusing for them.

Having just read your latest update, have the children or you ever been to the studio apartment?

Does he even do things with them that don't cost money like a walk, cycle, to visit family, even for an ice cream isn't much, to the park for a kick around? It does sound like it's the responsibility of parenting he wanted to check out of. When he's at yours at the weekend, does he spend time with them and look after them - play games, wash their clothes, tidy up after them etc?

Sounds like your fifteen year old could do with some counselling. They need to understand their dad chose to leave the family home and split from you. You don't need to facilitate them seeing him and spending time together and that's his issue to resolve and for you to be able to move on you need to stop him staying over. I don't see how he couldn't get a blow up double bed at his for one of the kids to share even in the livingroom and one on the couch. I'm guessing the eldest doesn't want to stay over but if they did two could share a bed and he could take the couch. There's solution's if he wants to spend time with his children. He just seems to be making excuses not to find them as its easier to have his cake and eat it.

You need to move on now and heal and live your life not be stuck in this limbo and the only way that will happen is to cut contact and separate your children's relationship with him away from you.

This will drive you insane.

You're not together anymore, if he does have a woman, that's his business, surely.

Move on. Talk of a private investigator is absolutely insane. The man is doing nothing wrong.

I think you don't have closure because you haven't closed anything. He has got exactly what he wanted - you running around as wife and kids, with his financial and sexual freedom.

You really need to cut him back. You are divorced. You presumably now own / rent yourself the house you live in and it is not his space?

Stop him being in the house. 15yr old might get angry - but they should turn that anger to their dad.

Contact CMS get an accurate calculation. This will also enable you to see whether he is taking you for a ride or not. He isn't showing his p60 as he's lying.

Get yourself and perhaps your 15yr old some counselling. I'm going to guess your 15yr old is male? And you're showing him men can rule relationships and women must submit... how is that impacting your daughters?

Rather than focusing your energies on a PI and what he's not telling you - you need to move on and do what is right for you and your kids.

Good luck - he clearly has you in a very downtrodden place. But you can rise above it.

Why do you want this marriage back op? This prick has made up mental health issues left you to take care of 4 (four!!!!) children alone for 18 months, but had time to complete a PhD. If his mental state is good enough to do a PhD it's good enough to take care of his kids.

The audacity. Divorce and get joint custody so he actually has to take care of his kids half of the time.

He has you exactly where he wants you all, at his beck and call and under his terms. I’d put an end to the long phone calls, just short sharp texts as to when he can take the children out. I don’t believe the bullshit about lack of money. He could easily take them to the park with a ball or make a picnic to take. You don’t need money to take kids anywhere.
He’s got everything he wants, a single life on his own where he has zero responsibilities (apart from maintainence for the children), his ex wife dangling on a string, waiting for every crumb that he might throw her way. OP you are never ever going to have ‘closure’ or move on all the while you are being dictated to by him. It’s time you cut the string and get on with YOUR life without him in it. You can’t do this all the while you are allowing him to do the things he’s doing.

I would absolutely do this. It will be money well spent, go for it.

The sensible option would be to not, but in all honesty, personally I'd very much want to get one in this case. Save you wondering for years and years.

Left field suggestion, but if he's still in love with you and wants contact, but there's no sex - could there be a question around his sexuality being a reason for leaving?

A PI will only tell op what her husband is doing now, now what he was doing 18 months ago. It won’t help her to understand why he left. Only he can tell her that, if he ever has the guts.

Apart from anything else, the money side of it would anger me.

How much does he earn? And how much does he give you?

Not showing P60 suggests he is earning more than he tells you though.

What is his profession? And did he continue to work full time whilst doing his masters degree? Did this get him a promotion?

If you can set a financial limit for the investigation that guarantees proof he has another woman then do it. However it is more difficult to prove that he has not taken up with another woman. How do you prove someone is not having an affair? You may want to continue investigation for many months until at last he is having a relationship.

What on earth would you gain? You'd spend loads and get a yes or no which makes no difference to your current situation.

He's gone for whatever reason - it's always another woman or they're gay IME - and you acting like a psycho is going to make him pretty glad of that decision. Maybe that is why he was looking elsewhere (is what everyone will say). No one will care if he cheated or not but they will care if you've been obsessively trying to find out. Sorry, but you should have used the allotted time of "crazy" to dig when you just broke up, not stored it up for over a year. Them's the breaks. As your friends have said you now have to move on.

Yes do a PI.
But equally, he's messing you completely around, you haven't moved on, and you need courage to ditch him emotionally and tell your 15 year old why.

Have you gone to marriage counseling?

F

UPDATE:

I just want to say thank you for all the posts. I feel like a lot of people understood where I was coming from and understood why I felt so desperate to know.

This has literally consumed me since my ex h told me he was leaving. After all the advice on this page I felt like moving on, setting boundaries and looking into counselling is the best approach. But, before I did that I really wanted the opportunity to sit down with my exh in a last ditch attempt to calmly ask him to just tell me the truth.

So, last night I reached out to him and asked to see him in person. Because up to this point most of our deep conversations had been over the phone and if we ever tried to have an in-depth conversation about anything in person we’d end up arguing.

So, we met outside of the home away from the kids overhearing. I told him what all this was doing to me and that if he cared then I needed to know and that we couldn’t continue like this. We talked for over 2 hours and it’s hard to summarise and write everything thing that was talked about.

But he cracked and told me that he left because he was confused and didn’t know if he liked men or women. So, he initially started dating women to see what it was like to be with women other than myself. And apparently that hasn’t helped and he’d like to now explore dating men.

All this information has kind of helped and kind of hasn’t. I’m glad I have some of the truth (I’m sure there’s a lot he’s not telling me). But also makes me feel like my 20 year marriage, my feelings and the kids feelings were worth less than sexual exploitation. I know people will complain about that statement but it’s how I feel. I also feel that every time things didn’t go right in his dating life he’d run to me for nostalgia and comfort. So, I guess I feel used and stupid for thinking we could maybe rekindle something one day.

You haven't properly separated from him. Stop the telephone conversations, stop having him randomly staying over at weekends or any other time, tell him he'll need to start seeing the kids on a regular scheduled basis away from hour home.
At the moment it's all lovely for him, you do all the work, looking after the kids, maintaining their routine, even being there for long supportive chats ( probably all about him and his feelings, and he drops in when he feels like it. He's not even having to do the difficult conversations with the kids! Maybe he is having an affair or affairs, maybe he's seeing people on a casual basis, maybe he isn't. But that's not the problem. It wouldn't matter to you if you had separated properly. You are too involved in each other's lives.

Thanks for the update, OP. Glad you got some answers, but sorry they weren’t very helpful.

It sounds like you do have some clarity about his intention to have sex with other people when he left you. I hope it helps you to move on.

I feel that now I want to focus on moving on and setting boundaries and getting my CM in order.

My only thing now is knowing what to tell my 2 older children. It’s really confusing but I don’t want to be the one continuously taking the blame and burden of everything emotionally, financially and physically.