To hire a private investigator to follow my ex?

[Duckydoop]

I was married for 20 years and had a relatively good marriage with minimal conflict. My husband would tell me that he loved me regularly and we spent lots of time together. Everyone on the outside said we had an envious marriage and that my husband looked so inlove with me. I felt secure and happy to spend the rest of my life with him.

This all changed when he told me one day that he had mental health issues and needed sometime away from me and our children (we have 4 children together). He proposed spending a couple months living away from the family home to sort himself out.

I was devastated and told him that if he left and didn’t work on our marriage (I suggested, timeout and space but still living in the family home and counselling) then to forget it. I felt like I didn’t want to wait around for a whole 2 months looking after the kids, working and suffering while he was out doing god knows what.

2 weeks after telling me he was unwell mentally, he left the family home. I don’t have much of a support network, no family in this country and very few friends I can ask for help. So I really struggled to take care of my children and work full time, whilst feeling very alone and confused.
However, people around me at the time said that he must of left for another woman and surely I must have women’s intuition. I really did not see all of this coming and the only reg flags were when he started a new job he started losing weight and dressing differently. He was also secretive with his phone but really wasn’t spending any time outside of the family home, he spend weekends with me and would come home on time from work everyday.

Since he left 18 months ago he has sworn on his life that there was no other woman involved. In this time I filled for divorce which he begged me not to do. He said he still loves me and one day we’ll be together but refused to move back into the family home and work through things. He has continually breadcrumbed me and I feel so depressed and alone. I have constant anxiety and just want to know why he left and have some closure. I feel I deserve this after 20 years and 4 children. People keep telling me that I need to move on because it’s obvious he has someone else. But i just really want to know to help me from constantly trying to figure out what happened. In our time apart he managed to complete a master’s degree, which people say should prove he wasn’t suffering from mental issues.

The thing that makes me confused is that we talk on the phone multiple nights a week for hours at a time. He also sometimes stays at my home on the weekend (no sex). How would he be able to do all this with a partner?

I feel so desperate to end the breadcrumbing cycle and accept that our marriage is over. But, I really want the truth AIBU to hire a private investigator to follow him, so I can finally get answers and the closure I need?

It’s his job to tell them, not yours.

Glad you’ve spoken to him op. I have to say I’d be fucking furious with that news. He didn’t leave because he was in love with someone else, or simply not in love with you anymore. He left because he wanted to fuck around with both men and women. All the while pretending he had mental health problems and couldn’t even parent his children.

I’d be contacting the CSA and getting the ball rolling on that and sorting out proper contact with the children which doesn’t happen under your roof. I’d also encourage him to be more truthful with the children (not about the sex, obviously, but that the split wasn’t in any way your fault).

Absolutely. Your ex needs to grow some balls and be honest with your children. You need to stop protecting your ex and look after yourself.

To give a different perspective, I did hire a PI once and it really helped to give me closure.

The one thing I realised afterwards is they don't have all the info you do. Something he thought was insignificant, I knew was highly significant.

I would say go for it. He will never tell you the truth and it does help you move on especially with men who are so proficient at lying, gaslighting and breadcrumbing

Forget anything that isn’t you and your kids getting counselling, and official CMS. I know you’ll struggle to do this, and I get it, but you have to fake it to make it. You’re torturing yourself by still treating him as a friend and ally. He is neither, he is a manipulative bastard and is using you and ruining your life for his own ends.

Stop focusing on him, learn about manipulation and abusive relationships, get professional help. You need to heal yourself. Stop interacting with him, as painful as that will be, you are causing yourself immense harm in keeping up his charade for his benefit.

Ah sorry @Duckydoop, took me so long to post that I didn't see your update!

V glad you can move on now :)

Yeah, I get that it’s confusing, because you wonder if he was always unsure about his sexual orientation, and what that might mean about your relationship history. And maybe it doesn’t mean anything, but it changes how you see things.

I probably wouldn’t tell the children anything beyond: dad decided he wanted to live separately from the rest of the family; sometimes people do inexplicable things for reasons they themselves don’t entirely understand.

Sorry you’re going through all this! I hope things will start to get a little easier from now on.

Wow that is a lot to deal with OP. He sounds like a selfish bastard. I'm so sorry. The ONLY silver lining is that now you know. Hope you have some ladies around you that you can confide in over a bottle of wine or three whilst you work through this. Keep all your energy to yourself and your kids now, not that leech, you deserve it. No doubt better days will be ahead ♥️

He left to fuck around while trying to keep you on the backburner with lies and false promises. What a dick. At least now you know what a lying loser he is and you can stop being his emotional support person and start moving on. Tell your kids it's best to ask their dad why he left because you don't really understand it - it's up to him what he tells them. Stop concerning yourself with him and just concentrate on yourself and your kids. You deserve a thousand times better than this.

I'm sorry, OP. I wondered whether he might be gay because it sounded as if he values closeness to you - though not enough to be fully honest - and family life too. But there was something important in the way.

It must be so difficult, a very particular form of betrayal. You deserve honesty and I hope it gets easier day by day.

@Duckydoop I firstly want to apologise if my first response was a little curt. It genuinely wasn't meant to be and given the awful circumstances and the length of time you've been together - you have been pretty damn amazing. My point was, if you had wanted a PI you should have got one: you didn't need to justify it to anybody or seek an excuse to do so. You deserve that power.

After seeing your update, now you KNOW this shit show was nothing to do with you and what you did or didn't do. This situation is WAY beyond anything you could influence. I really hope you can move on and now grt the closure you need.

If anyone deserves it, you and your children do.

You should not have told your children that he left because of you. That's not true. He left because of him, and he's been cruel to keep you hanging for so long.

Let him go. Whether there is someone else is immaterial--he is unwilling to move back and continue the marriage. Even filing for divorce hasn't brought him back.

If he wanted to be with you he would. But he doesn't; he just doesn't want to admit that to you. Stop torturing yourself and move on.