To hire a private investigator to follow my ex?

[Duckydoop]

I was married for 20 years and had a relatively good marriage with minimal conflict. My husband would tell me that he loved me regularly and we spent lots of time together. Everyone on the outside said we had an envious marriage and that my husband looked so inlove with me. I felt secure and happy to spend the rest of my life with him.

This all changed when he told me one day that he had mental health issues and needed sometime away from me and our children (we have 4 children together). He proposed spending a couple months living away from the family home to sort himself out.

I was devastated and told him that if he left and didn’t work on our marriage (I suggested, timeout and space but still living in the family home and counselling) then to forget it. I felt like I didn’t want to wait around for a whole 2 months looking after the kids, working and suffering while he was out doing god knows what.

2 weeks after telling me he was unwell mentally, he left the family home. I don’t have much of a support network, no family in this country and very few friends I can ask for help. So I really struggled to take care of my children and work full time, whilst feeling very alone and confused.
However, people around me at the time said that he must of left for another woman and surely I must have women’s intuition. I really did not see all of this coming and the only reg flags were when he started a new job he started losing weight and dressing differently. He was also secretive with his phone but really wasn’t spending any time outside of the family home, he spend weekends with me and would come home on time from work everyday.

Since he left 18 months ago he has sworn on his life that there was no other woman involved. In this time I filled for divorce which he begged me not to do. He said he still loves me and one day we’ll be together but refused to move back into the family home and work through things. He has continually breadcrumbed me and I feel so depressed and alone. I have constant anxiety and just want to know why he left and have some closure. I feel I deserve this after 20 years and 4 children. People keep telling me that I need to move on because it’s obvious he has someone else. But i just really want to know to help me from constantly trying to figure out what happened. In our time apart he managed to complete a master’s degree, which people say should prove he wasn’t suffering from mental issues.

The thing that makes me confused is that we talk on the phone multiple nights a week for hours at a time. He also sometimes stays at my home on the weekend (no sex). How would he be able to do all this with a partner?

I feel so desperate to end the breadcrumbing cycle and accept that our marriage is over. But, I really want the truth AIBU to hire a private investigator to follow him, so I can finally get answers and the closure I need?

Perhaps your ex was actually telling you the truth - he DID have a mental illness and could only deal with it by being on his own. If that is true then your response, to threaten him with divorce if he went away, was awful.
Losing weight is a sign of being mentally unwell. Coming home from work on time every day and spending every weekend with your family is NOT a sign of someone who’s having an affair.
You may have treated your unwell husband appallingly! Please don’t continue to do so by paying someone to stalk him.

There may not be anyone now. But imo it sounds like there may have been at one time.

He says he still loves you and hopes to get back together some day. If this is true, how long are you willing to wait for this person who didn’t love and respect you enough to stay and work on the marriage (or even do his share of parenting). How much more of your life are you willing to waste on this man?

One of the best bits of wisdom I've ever heard is "closure is a gift you give yourself". It's not something that comes from outside of yourself.

You can never truly know or understand another person's motivations, even if you know the facts. They may not really understand their behaviour themselves - this is often the case!

You can give yourself agency. Work with the facts of your life. Work towards the life you want in a way that doesn't involve puzzling over someone else, and which gives you and everyone clarity. I don't know why you are still in such deep conversation and contact with your ex given you choose to divorce him. Time to cut the cord as much as possible, bearing in mind you are co-parents.

The difference between a relationship and a non-relationship isn't sex. Lots of people are in sexless relationships, and have sex with people they aren't in relationships with. The difference is emotional codependency. You need to break that off with your ex or you'll never truly move on.

Don't hire a PI. Give yourself closure. It doesn't matter if there's another woman or if there's a different reason. The result is the same. So decide it's over. Decide to believe it's over. And act like it is. That is your route to closure.

@NCA24 I’m not trying to use my children to justify getting a PI, I could do that anyway without him or them knowing. But, it’s the sense of confusion that we’re all dealing with and it’s hard. I make no excuses I am really struggling to move on mentally and emotionally. But, people on the outside see me completely happy and doing well. I hide it well and wait till I’m in bed alone to cry. Then I wake up the next morning and all start over again.

To be honest, I don’t think it matters if he has another women. He has treated you appallingly and you owe it to yourself to cut him off now

it sounds to me more like a midlife crisis than another women though - he wants to try life without a family but keep you waiting in the background as a contingency

Ask for his medical notes

So what will happen if the investigator tells you there is no other person involved and, in fact, he is having regular appointments with a psychiatrist, counsellor? What would you do then?
You know why he left because he told you. That should surely be enough for whatever closure you are seeking, whether you think his reasoning is sensible or not.
As far as him finishing his masters, I did it while being medicated for depression and anxiety. My friend did hers while recovering from a drug dependence. Being able to complete education is not a sign of thriving mental health. In fact, I moved out as well when I was in the final year of my masters because I couldn't handle the pressure of living with my partner at the same time as dealing with intense workload and my ill mental health. Admittedly, we did not have children. Similarly to you, he also decided that it would be better to separate permanently.

OP,

this could have been my post. Staying with relatives and staying at mine at the weekend. Putting on a show for the DC.
spoiler, after a year of this stupidity, his mistress got fed up and wrote me a letter telling me he was playing is both.
I got rid of him and 7 years later, he’s not speaking to me because I filed for divorce eventually.
You don’t get to ‘find yourself’ when you have four dc 🤦‍♂️
Be strong, my family live 3000 miles away but I’ve done it myself.
you can do this x

@Soontobe60 I filled for divorce after he continually refused to work through our marriage or move back in. In a way I did do because nothing else was working and I thought he might say ‘okay, I’ll go to marriage counselling’. But he didn’t he wanted to remain married and see me occasionally while living on his own. I did try to believe that maybe he had MH difficulties and be understanding but dressing very smartly and nicely when hadn’t before was out of the blue. The secrecy around his phone is also something that points to MH not being the main reason. But this is all why I thought about getting a PI, I’m genuinely confused.

I agree with pp, this sounds horrendous and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
In your situation I too would absolutely want to know what’s going on
But as pp said - whether or not there is another woman doesn’t change your decision. You (entirely reasonably) don’t want to pick up the load for everything for two months (although realistically, this would be indefinitely) while he weighs up his options. So you are leaving him.
I also agree with others saying you need a cleaner break without the drawn out phone calls and weekend visits; it’s causing you more pain.

@Catza He's told me he isn’t seeing a counsellor as he wants to work through his issues solo. But he’s told me a lot of things so who really knows

I completely understand why you want to know. I would too. But looking at it objectively what does it actually change? Whatever his reason for leaving his treatment of you is abhorrent. As pp have suggested the best response here would be to tear off the plaster and cut him off. No more staying over, no more long cosy chats. He’s not your husband and he’s been a twat.

I’m not going to tell you not to get the PI, that’s your choice. But it will be far more valuable for you to have the courage of your convictions and cut this knobber off properly. He’s been a complete dickhead and even though you’ve divorced him he essentially still has a wife of convenience. The only thing you need to speak about is the kids. Don’t let him keep using you.

Personally I don't see an issue with you hiring a PI to spy on him after the way he's treated you. However, the level of monitoring you'd need to find out what you want to know would be very expensive. It's not just a case of someone checking up on him like making sure he works where he says he does, you'd need someone to actually trail him for a while to see where he goes and what he does. I looked into it once for a friend in an abusive relationship and quickly discovered that it just wasn't going to be worth it. I agree with PPs that your money would be better spent on counselling for yourself.

Stop the phone calls, stop the visits. Get some distance between you.

You say you filed or divorce. Did the divorce actually get finalised with clean break ?

If yes, there is no point getting a PI because he may have another partner and he’s allowed.

If you’re not yet divorced, it’s still a long time away from you and he may have someone else so still no point in PI. What would you achieve other than fuelling your anxiety / anger and stopping yourself from moving on.

What ages are your children? Are you claiming CMS ?
Can’t you just tell them the truth ?

He didn’t leave due to a problem with you !
It’s a problem with himself !
You are taking the blame for him moving out and your kids may hold this against you in years to come.

No PI.
Just block him.
Give him an email address to contact you on for child contact only and the rest of the time ignore him.
Stop giving him access to your home.
Acknowledge to yourself that you deserve so much better and the man you married is long gone.
He is bread crumbing you but you are allowing it to happen.

How convenient for him.
This would be a deal breaker actually for me. His issues are bad enough to leave his family but not bad enough to seek help from professionals.

I call bull shit.

He's stringing you along and it's up to you to cut the string.

OP I would bet my house from what you have written there is at least one other woman involved here somewhere. He probably does still love you on some level after 20 years together but he is hedging his bets. You need to cut him off as far as you can, it’s the only way you will save your own sanity. Fuck him.

So sorry for what you're going through OP.

It sounds to me like he's hiding something significant - could it be another man..? Or a very young girl? Do you have any gut feeling?

Sorry to suggest the worst but unfortunately experience of psychopath exes makes me think this way.

He's certainly selfish and untrustworthy and that's grounds enough for divorce BUT I agree with PPs that it's unrealistic for people to post here saying "move on" - after all those years and kids, you deserve the truth. You may not get it though. I wouldn't hire a PI but the truth is I would do my own deep digging. It's only by doing that that I liberated myself from a horrendous lying psychopath in the past.

Please don't tell your kids he left because he wasn't happy with you. It's not a healthy perspective for them or you and doesn't sound like that's the case. There's nothing wrong with you - you're holding everything together and the children rely on knowing that everything is fine with you and them and their home. Maybe tell them he left because he's not happy with himself, and it absolutely no one else's fault.

I mean, far play to you for saying "NO, you can't just piss off for 2 months to Lord knows where, and leave me juggling everything on my own."

Then you made the perfectly reasonable decision to divorce him. With that, you have to be done with him. He's now a single man, and if he has/wants to have someone else, that's really none of your business. But I can understand, that considering he was the one to throw a bomb into your life, it can be hard to let it go.

As for the "breadcrumbing", you're doing the same right back. Having him sleep over, talking on the phone for hours. Just... stop.

Like others have said, get a proper custody arrangement sorted if that's required, with or without maintenance as required, and get on with your life.

I really feel for you OP. It sounds like you’re not likely to get any closure though. What would it take for you to believe there was another person in his life? Or to conversely be convinced there wasn’t?

An alternative point of view is that he really is struggling mentally, and has been masking for a long time. How many people do we hear of where close relatives have died by suicide without showing their nearest and dearest any red flags? Maybe try believing it’s his mental health and asking what support he needs for these issues.

Either way, well done for standing up for yourself and not being made to hang around while he doesn’t communicate effectively with you.

@potatowine The divorce is finalised and it was with a clean break. We owned no property together and he earns roughly the same as me, but I was a housewife for many years and didn’t progress on the career ladder. So, I’m not sure if I’d have been entitled to spousal support. We have a private CM agreement because he says CSA would take away an admin fee. But has refused to show me his P60s to confirm his exact earnings and I’m worried about using CSA as this may make things worse as I haven’t heard very positive things about the CSA. Our children are 19, 15, 8 and 5.

My oldest child believes he left for someone else and is angry but doesn’t say anything to his dad. The younger ones have had some trauma due to the separation but are doing much better now. But my 15 year will get angry with me if I don’t let Ex H come to our home. Ex H has a studio apartment and not much room. So won’t see the children if I don’t let him come to our home and 15 year old will blame me saying that I’m stopping them from seeing their dad. I tried to explain that I need time away from their dad but my 15 year old doesn’t understand why.

My ex h will not take the children out as he says he cannot afford it. This does and I’m ashamed to say add fuel to the fire as I wonder if he is spending money on a woman rather than invest in spending time with his children. I know it’s now none of business as pp have pointed out but it does impact me on a daily basis.

15 year old finds it hard as they were very close to dad before the separation.

They say the truth will set you free but in my experience it can also hurt you very deeply.

as others have said, you need to set some firm - much much firmer - boundaries. You are merely prolonging the agony.

this man is not your friend - as he has proved very clearly over the last 18 months.

Just read about CSA. You really do need to stop taking everything he says as gospel.

It's also quite possible the "mental health" issues he wants to sort out on his own (suspiciously!) involve exploring some sexual fetish, or cross-dressing, etc.

You may discover he’s currently lying about seeing someone. It’s unlikely to tell you anything about the past.

You may also discover your mentally ill ex-husband is just - mentally ill and never wanted his marriage to end and is continuing to work on recovering his marriage.

You are stringing him along by continuing hours long conversations and having him stay over. How is he meant to move on when he tells you he wants to be together and you say no - but then continue as if you sort of might be?

Make it clear to him your marriage is over by moving on yourself. You ended the marriage - it’s on you to be unambiguous about the fact that it is over.

BTW I’m not arguing you shouldn’t have ended the marriage - just that I think you have the power here and are giving him mixed signals that maybe things aren’t as over as the divorce suggests.

Some exes can have this sort of really close friends relationship (especially with kids together), many can’t. And when one is wanting to continue the relationship - it does not work.

If a man hired one he’d be a LTB same with you