To ask outright about his view before we meet?

[catslave23]

I have been chatting to a guy from online dating for a couple of weeks now. We have arranged to go out for a date next week.

He brought up early on that I had listed that I was Atheist and he was Christian. He asked if it was an issue with me as he went to church regularly etc. At the time I didn't think into much but just replied no of course not! I explained it wasn't something I was a part of but had no issue with seeing someone of any faith and that him attending church etc didn't bother me.

He has been open that he hasn't had a serious relationship before. He's in his mid 30s. I asked why and he just said because he didn't really like himself & never looked for one. He said he was in a much better place so felt he was more ready now. Again find this a tad unusual but not necessarily an issue.

I'm separated and have two young children.

I'm now wondering what his views are on the whole ' no sex before marriage' thing.

Would it be rude or insensitive to just ask outright?

I guess I'd be open to marriage at some point in the future but I'd be cautious and not ready to commit like that to anyone for a number of years. I absolutely would not be in a sexless relationship. It's something that's important to be and if I'm honest would be a total dealbreaker. I'd feel uncomfortable if he was a virgin to be honest. It would feel totally mismatched as a woman in my 30s who's always been pretty liberal.

I initially thought I would wait to bring thing up after a few dates but now I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time to carry on without finding out if there's a dealbreaker in there.

Is it unreasonable to ask about this before we've even met? Or am I doing everyone a favour?
Can I even ask this at all? Or is it just judgemental and rude?

Any opinions on how to approach the subject would be great

i personally think that something as fundamental to him as his faith being different to my belief system would already be a no from me.

Also the weeks and weeks of run up to a date. Also a no. Chat a couple of days, meet, see if you like each other in the flesh.

As for the sex question, I think asking outright would sort the wheat from the chaff. I think he’ll run a mile and tbh That’d be a good thing.

I wouldn’t ask about that. I’d have bigger concerns. Like will he push you and your kids into religion, or if you have a child will he push it into religion? It would be a no from me.

Well he can't and won't 'push' my children into religion or anything because I'm their parent not him. If he ever was involved in their lives I wouldn't allow him to make fundamental parenting decisions like that. They've got a perfectly good and involved father.

Having a child together is also not an issue because I had my tubes tied after my second wad delivered so I'm not going to be having any more babies with anyone & have been very open about that.

I think asking would be fine.
However, I'm an atheist and couldn't make a relationship work with someone who was religious. It would be akin, for me personally, to trying to live in harmony with a flat earther. There would be too great a gulf between our belief systems.

I think all of this is very premature if you haven’t met him yet.

I’d meet him and discuss these things. It will make for an interesting conversation and you’ll be able to make a decision based on that. In my experience the first date should just be to get a Quick Look/check and see if you want to continue dating.. your not committing to anything by having a coffee/drink

I'd ask him more about his beliefs and how big a role his religion plays in his life. Is he an evangelical?

I wouldn't directly ask the sex question before you've even met (cos he might think he's on a promise on the first date 😁) unless it follows naturally from a more general discussion.

He wouldn't be for me if he's deeply religious.

I don't even know what evangelical is 😂 just off to google!

I don’t think it’s rude to ask at all.

I’m an atheist, and I’m married to a church-going Catholic, works absolutely fine. And yes, we had sex before marriage!

I think you need to meet him but he doesn't sound ideal for you if he's lived a very sheltered life . He'll probably be quite immature, inflexible and naive in outlook.
Plus a lot of Christians hold right wing intolerant views and judgemental. But you can only find out by meeting up.

Most things are better face to face. You can judge better. Stay safe

You said that he asked at the outset if him being a Christian was an issue for you. Did you ask then if you being an atheist was an issue for him?
I think this is a conversation worth having because it should encompass things such as sex outside marriage and how children should be raised regarding teaching them religion. I feel it could be tackled as a general exploration of both your view points, not specifically your own situation. But it would give you a clearer idea of the implications if your relationship does develop.

Yes I did ask if me being an Atheist was an issue for him and he said he would have preferred to find someone who was of the same beliefs as him but this hasn't worked out and that me being an Atheist was not an issue as long as I was 'okay' with him going to church etc.

I'm not going to get into the how should children be raised conversation as we don't and won't have any children together!

He won't be raising my children and I won't be having any more so it's a non issue.

Basically have a duty to spread the Good News etc.

There's a massive variety in shades of Christianity and what his church could ask of him, (like tithing a portion of income and stuff like that).

I'd want to have an idea of where he sits in the range.

I understand he won't be raising your children but I think having a broad ranging conversation on how being a Christian impacts on his views on life, including raising children, would be very enlightening as to his general attitudes and how rigid or not he is in his view points. I'm not talking about asking him his view on the way you raise your children.
As pp said it is possible he has very extreme and rigid views and if a general conversation on really important everyday things is had then these view points would more likely be exposed.

Does he know you can’t/don’t want more children? It’d be unusual for a very religious person not to want marriage and kids of his own, so I would definitely mention this to him if you haven’t already. It might be a dealbreaker for him.

What church is he part of? Is he C of E?

Yes he knows I don't want any more children. He has said he would have liked them but he feels like he's probably left it too late anyway and it's not a dealbreaker. He said he's got nieces / nephews and is involved with them and that's enough for him.
Ultimately he might change his mind I guess but so might anyone 🤷🏼‍♀️

This thread is full of the usual mn ignorance surrounding religion.

I think you need to meet f2f and ask what his Christianity means to him and understand his values better. There is a huge range of Christian beliefs and values systems ranging from extreme to relaxed. There's also a lot more to it than sex

Most practicing Christians will want the same as a life partner. The fact that you’re not doesn’t align with his faith. It’s really something you need to thrash out early on

I have a few very Christian friends and they did not have sex outside of marriage. I know one of them had a series of boyfriends who said okay and then tried to persuade her otherwise, which meant she'd just wasted a lot of time on the wrong person. I think you just need to ask him. Just explain that it's a pretty important thing to not agree on so it's better to find out sooner rather than later so that you don't waste each other's time. A practicing Christian will be aware that it could be an issue.

I’m an atheist but I think this is very unfair. It’s perfectly true that lots of Christians hold right wing intolerant and judgemental views. And many will cite their Christianity as a reason for these views. But there are just as many unpleasant right wing intolerant judgemental non Christians, non believers etc. And I know plenty of kind, thoughtful, non judgemental, left wing, sensible christians.
The naivety / inexperience is another matter, may stem from his Christianity but may well also just be a “him” thing.

I don't see any harm in asking, or trying to find out how involved he is. Better to do it now before it becomes an issue, and you've both invested time and money in seeing each other.

The initial conversations before you meet are part of the filtering process. He may appreciate that you're being upfront. That way, there are no unrealistic expectations on either side for what may or may not happen.

I personally am non religious and would go as far as to say I'm anti religion for many various reasons. I have always been very upfront about it in relationships. I have no problem with others and how they choose to worship and am very educated on religion. I respect those choices other people have made. But for me, I wouldn't want to share my partner even with God/Gods. Nor do I want any part in it and avoid situations that would impose on my own beliefs.

Also, him saying finding someone of a similar background hasn't worked, I would feel like he was settling and resentment may grow in future because of it on either side.

I’m atheist and my partner is a devout Catholic. We respect each others views and get along fine. There would definitely have been major issues between us if we’d had children together though but I’m 47 and he’s 68 so that won’t be happening.

Meet and see if you even click. Also don't presume all Christians are the same. Dp knew I was, I just go without him if I'm going (i don't go every week) and I don't follow strict rules anyway, only evangelicals have an obsession about sex in my experience.