To ask outright about his view before we meet?

[catslave23]

I have been chatting to a guy from online dating for a couple of weeks now. We have arranged to go out for a date next week.

He brought up early on that I had listed that I was Atheist and he was Christian. He asked if it was an issue with me as he went to church regularly etc. At the time I didn't think into much but just replied no of course not! I explained it wasn't something I was a part of but had no issue with seeing someone of any faith and that him attending church etc didn't bother me.

He has been open that he hasn't had a serious relationship before. He's in his mid 30s. I asked why and he just said because he didn't really like himself & never looked for one. He said he was in a much better place so felt he was more ready now. Again find this a tad unusual but not necessarily an issue.

I'm separated and have two young children.

I'm now wondering what his views are on the whole ' no sex before marriage' thing.

Would it be rude or insensitive to just ask outright?

I guess I'd be open to marriage at some point in the future but I'd be cautious and not ready to commit like that to anyone for a number of years. I absolutely would not be in a sexless relationship. It's something that's important to be and if I'm honest would be a total dealbreaker. I'd feel uncomfortable if he was a virgin to be honest. It would feel totally mismatched as a woman in my 30s who's always been pretty liberal.

I initially thought I would wait to bring thing up after a few dates but now I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time to carry on without finding out if there's a dealbreaker in there.

Is it unreasonable to ask about this before we've even met? Or am I doing everyone a favour?
Can I even ask this at all? Or is it just judgemental and rude?

Any opinions on how to approach the subject would be great

Agree with so much misunderstanding on this thread. I went to a cofe school where everyone was some form of Christian and not a single person I can think of was rigid enough to be anti sex before marriage or anti marrying an atheist. It was almost more “cultural” than anything to go to church semi regularly, celebrate Christmas etc.

I do have a couple other friends from later in life who identify as (evangelical) Christians and they will only date other evangelicals, no sex before marriage etc. That’s the more rigid end, but doesn’t necessarily sound this guy is in that camp.

You can ask for more info on how he identifies and applies his religion etc. However the red flag for me is 100pc the not having relationships because he didn’t like himself part. That kind of comment / attitude upfront would put me off for sure…

@Ceramic272 you cannot write off other people's lived experiences as 'misunderstanding'.

I’m literally describing my own “lived experience” (and frankly the reality of the uk) which ie that there is a huge range of people falling on a “Christian” spectrum and she should figure out which end of the spectrum he falls on. Honestly.
You’re misunderstanding because you are clearly thinking all “Christians” are some rigid/judgmental types. There are plenty of Christians who don’t act that way. Literally think how many people celebrate Christmas - are you honestly saying they are all terrible judgemental no sex before marriage people? Come on. And equally there ar plenty of terrible / judgy people identifying as Christians (which in my mind by definition means they aren’t.. but that’s neither here nor there)

Gosh.

Imagine this same sentence but swap 'a lot of Christians' for 'a lot of Muslims' and you'd have poster after poster screaming Islamaphobia and reporting you.

Very interesting how certain groups are deemed off-limits and others are seen as fair game.

What a poor reflection on you and the depressing trends on this website.

Sincerely,
A non religious person.

Yes sometimes. Non-evangelicals are more likely to name their denomination rather than just Christian, but it could be to do with the options in the site I suppose.

Christians often" is the exact same as saying "all Christians" ...

Well no, if I said 'women often wear makeup' it's not the same as 'all women wear makeup '.

Which is also not the same as "women are often judgmental and intolerant".

Which is a lazy, sweeping stereotype.

And I think, would be rightly recognised as such here.

Could you tell me where you think I 'clearly' indicate that I think anything about 'all' christians? You'll struggle because at no point did I even remotely suggest that.

@GabriellaMontez So, in your world the word 'often' or the phrase 'tend to' means the same as 'all' or 'always'?
They are not the same.

Exactly!

It's perfectly fine to say 'a lot of' if the sentence is based on fact or proper experience of a variety of people/situations, and the sentence itself isn't designed to denigrate!

This. I wouldn't jump to talk about sex until you know if there's a spark or not. I've met very few Christians in England who won't have sex before marriage, seems maybe a more fundamentalist view in America perhaps?

@Ceramic272 I will be honest and say some of the christians I came across are actually very judgmental of those who don't live their live/faith in exactly the same way as them - I don't mean of non-christians, though they do that too, more of christians who practice slightly differently to them. It tends to be people within the more fundamental groups who do this, but it is not always or exclusively them. Even within christianity there are different interpretations of the bible, some certain taking parts more literally than others. The catholic version of the bible even has more chapters than the non-catholic one, and that in itself starts debate (which can lead to judgement from some corners). Honestly, one of the things that really turned me off christianity was the in-fighting and certain groups claiming their way was the only way. In all honesty, even if it was a divine book (which I don't believe, but accept others do), then it was written a long, long time ago, and so interpreting it for the modern world is never going to be straightforward or without some uncertainties/double meanings/different interpretations! I am happy for folk who feel faith brings something to their lives, but it should be each to their own! I don't have as much experience with other faiths, but imagine there is probably also infighting and judgement toward both with a slightly different version of their faith, another faith, or no faith at all, as well as lots of people who respect freedom of choice.

There are quite a few fundamental christians in the UK too, though they are not as vocal as in some parts of the US, thankfully!

In what capacity?

Experience with christians you mean?
Many, many hours (adding up to years) spent in a variety of churches (evangelical, baptist, cos, catholic etc), at various christian events, and with a variety of different people who called themselves christians, initially as a non-believer, then as a believer, and then as non-believer again. Of course I haven't met every christian in the world, but I have certainly met a good variety, including folk from other countries/continents.

yes two out of the three men who have treated me the best in a relationship have been non-Christian. One was Muslim and one was atheist. I have lovely Christian male friends, and many of my friends are married to great Christian guys but unfortunately I’ve struggled to find a romantic relationship with a Christian.

I’ve found the self professed Christian I’ve been involved with to have less morals and than I would expect of them, but they see holding up the label Christianity as the thing that makes them moral despite their actions not matching up. I’ve found myself quite disgusted with them often tbh. Ideally I’ll marry a Christian man but not sure if I’d limit myself to that.

Completely agree. I didn't get the memo that we are all sexually-repressed evangelicals with strict right-wing views 😂

Bit of a strange discussion with pretty much a stranger, 'are you willing to sleep with me before marriage' makes it sound like you are just looking for sex.

No, of course not.

Although this guy might be, given the lack of relationship experience at his age.

I think it'll depend on how you phrase it. I'd ask more generally how his faith plays out in how he lives his life and what things he has boundaries with. Some Christians wouldn't drink or go out to a night club or pub, some will have no issue with that. I'd start generally and see if he brings it up and if not then you could just ask about how he sees it affecting relationships with a partner. I missed that you hadn't met him in person yet. I see no harm in meeting him in real life and seeing if you like him and then having that conversation in person. If you keep it light and more around boundaries then I don't think it would come off as if you're only looking for intimacy.

@catslave23 personally I'd be really put off that he's making 2 huge compromises even considering dating you.

1. he said he would have preferred to find someone who was of the same beliefs as him but this hasn't worked out

2. he knows I don't want any more children. He has said he would have liked them but he feels like he's probably left it too late anyway and it's not a dealbreaker.

What I envisage is that if you hit it off and begin a relationship he'll gain in confidence and eventually dump you for his preferred christian woman who would like children. He certainly hasn't left it too late for kids after all.

My thoughts are;

•He brought up his faith immediately so it’s presumably a big part of his life- his identity, his social life and he asked immediately if you could accept that This is way more than celebrating Christmas and praying your car starts.

•He stated that he was “in a better place now” after spending his twenties disliking himself (?) What’s going on there? Has he turned to religion as a way of finding direction or belonging?M to a group?

You’re clearly at very different life stages. He has no experience with women, or relationships- you have children and a marriage under your belt. You describe yourself as liberal and value sex as part of a relationship. He may well be a virgin.

All these things would ring alarm bells for me and I don’t think it’s discriminatory against Christians to say I don’t find the above attractive in a man.

I also agree with you @CandidaAlbicans2 . It sounds as though he’s telling you what you want to hear op?
I mean fair play to him for being open about himself, but it sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants!

Op I don’t think you sound that keen on him. Don’t feel obliged to meet up or continue talking if it doesn’t feel right.