To ask outright about his view before we meet?

[catslave23]

I have been chatting to a guy from online dating for a couple of weeks now. We have arranged to go out for a date next week.

He brought up early on that I had listed that I was Atheist and he was Christian. He asked if it was an issue with me as he went to church regularly etc. At the time I didn't think into much but just replied no of course not! I explained it wasn't something I was a part of but had no issue with seeing someone of any faith and that him attending church etc didn't bother me.

He has been open that he hasn't had a serious relationship before. He's in his mid 30s. I asked why and he just said because he didn't really like himself & never looked for one. He said he was in a much better place so felt he was more ready now. Again find this a tad unusual but not necessarily an issue.

I'm separated and have two young children.

I'm now wondering what his views are on the whole ' no sex before marriage' thing.

Would it be rude or insensitive to just ask outright?

I guess I'd be open to marriage at some point in the future but I'd be cautious and not ready to commit like that to anyone for a number of years. I absolutely would not be in a sexless relationship. It's something that's important to be and if I'm honest would be a total dealbreaker. I'd feel uncomfortable if he was a virgin to be honest. It would feel totally mismatched as a woman in my 30s who's always been pretty liberal.

I initially thought I would wait to bring thing up after a few dates but now I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time to carry on without finding out if there's a dealbreaker in there.

Is it unreasonable to ask about this before we've even met? Or am I doing everyone a favour?
Can I even ask this at all? Or is it just judgemental and rude?

Any opinions on how to approach the subject would be great

It sounds like a non-starter to me.

Has he had any relationships at all?

A sweeping, prejudiced opinion from someone who presumably believes she isn't 'judgemental' or 'sheltered'.

And a good example of the Christianity bashing that sometimes plays out on mumsnet.

If he really believes in god/jesus, enthusiastically goes to church, actively reads/studies bible, would prefer a christian partner etc then it's inevitable he will not be able to resist trying to include you in that. His church group will be encouraging that too. TBH he wants either a christian or someone he can hopefully turn into a christian.
Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but many christians view atheists as potential christians.

To be honest, experience tells me that pp isn't completely wrong.
It's not christian bashing to speak of real life experience.

Thank you for saying what I was thinking, but better! I work for a christian charity with a reasonable proportion of church goers - guess what? They are just people. Pretty sure most of them had sex before marriage too!
Not a judgemental right winger among them.

I think you should meet and have these discussions in person. A lot of people on here are now thinking of extremely strict Christians. If he turns out to be one, then the clash of belief systems might be tricky. But I know a lot of Christians (as well as Muslims) who are not that strict about their religion. For example, every single Christian I know has sex outside of marriage, but they still consider themselves to be Christians. A very conservative Christian probably wouldn’t consider dating a woman who’s Atheist and has children already, so I wouldn’t worry too much.

So you'd be comfortable to make a similar, broad, negative statement about, for example Jews?

As long as it was based on your experience.

Of course christians are 'just people' however many of them are 'just people' who want other 'just people' to be saved - knowing just how evangelical this man is will help @catslave23 determine how she feels about having him in her life.

I know plenty of christians who don’t do any of this stuff - just go to work, live a decent life, don’t talk about it so you wouldn’t know anyway, and happen to take an hour out on a Sunday to go to church. I’d say that’s how the majority of believers live their lives.

My sister's in laws are evangelical Christians. They believe homosexuality is a sin. They believe that anyone who doesn't believe will go to hell. They believe that sex is immutable.

It's very black and white to them, which isn't a bad thing. But it underpins their attitudes towards and engagement in all aspects of life and society. It's not a case of just going to a building once a week.

Do you know what sort of church he goes to? That would give some clues as to how evangelical he is likely to be

To be blunt, I would have thought if he was strict enough to not want sex before marriage, he’d probably also not be willing to be in a relationship with a non-Christian. But that might just be my experience.

It's not bashing to tell my actual real experience. I've had a lot more to do with evangelical/baptist christians than jewish (or any other faith) so I am more qualified to speak on it!
I also never say 'all christians are/do'....but more 'they tend to..' or 'they followed the bible and so do x or y'. It's all true experience and I've had a lot of experience with christians.

His religious beliefs wouldn't be an issue to me providing I wasn't expected to change anything about myself or my children. And his beliefs were not judgemental of others.

I'd be more concerned that he has never had a relationship that could potentially be hard work.

Clearly not all christians are the same, just as not all people are the same, which is why I suggested @catslave23 try to find out just how evangelical he actually is!

Yeah, but that's the point - getting an idea of where he fits in the range of what being a church-going Christian means for him.

Speaking as a Christian myself, I would say you need to have a conversation about what he believes and practises himself. Many so-called Christians these days are very permissive about their beliefs, others not so much. You need to establish where he lies on that spectrum.

If he's never even had a relationship before, either with a Christian or any other denomination or none at all, then he is likely not even going to realise just what he may feel about dating an Atheist until he actually does. In fact, just generally dating someone will be a totally new thing, as he has no experience.

Following in interest!

@PrincessTeaSet a lot of Christians hold right wing views and are intolerant? Based on what?

Doesn't seem true to me. She might be talking about the US.

Well the intolerance comes from how some (mis)interpret their holy texts. Right wing folk can be if any faith though.

People who announce themselves as Christian are generally of the more evangelical persuasion in my experience. I'm
Catholic but I wouldn't put that on my dating profile!

This post made me heh
the irony is off the scale

Regardless of his views of sex before marriage you don't sound well suited.

I agree with this.

OP I think it’s something you could ask maybe on the second or third date? I’d be uncomfortable with anyone asking about sex on a first date or before we met personally but everyone is different.

Thank you, came back here to say that. They use whatever religious text they follow, and all three of the major religions are quite clear where they stand on certain issues.
Often there is no need to misinterpret.