To ask outright about his view before we meet?

[catslave23]

I have been chatting to a guy from online dating for a couple of weeks now. We have arranged to go out for a date next week.

He brought up early on that I had listed that I was Atheist and he was Christian. He asked if it was an issue with me as he went to church regularly etc. At the time I didn't think into much but just replied no of course not! I explained it wasn't something I was a part of but had no issue with seeing someone of any faith and that him attending church etc didn't bother me.

He has been open that he hasn't had a serious relationship before. He's in his mid 30s. I asked why and he just said because he didn't really like himself & never looked for one. He said he was in a much better place so felt he was more ready now. Again find this a tad unusual but not necessarily an issue.

I'm separated and have two young children.

I'm now wondering what his views are on the whole ' no sex before marriage' thing.

Would it be rude or insensitive to just ask outright?

I guess I'd be open to marriage at some point in the future but I'd be cautious and not ready to commit like that to anyone for a number of years. I absolutely would not be in a sexless relationship. It's something that's important to be and if I'm honest would be a total dealbreaker. I'd feel uncomfortable if he was a virgin to be honest. It would feel totally mismatched as a woman in my 30s who's always been pretty liberal.

I initially thought I would wait to bring thing up after a few dates but now I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time to carry on without finding out if there's a dealbreaker in there.

Is it unreasonable to ask about this before we've even met? Or am I doing everyone a favour?
Can I even ask this at all? Or is it just judgemental and rude?

Any opinions on how to approach the subject would be great

I put (mis) in brackets because some parts of the bible aren't clear and so won't always be intepreted the same by different people. We also have to remember that the text is very old and cultural norms change, making some passages harder to relate to nowadays.

The amount of assumptions and stereotypes on this thread are really disheartening and offensive tbh.

I'm a Christian and dh is atheist. I wasn't remotely offended when dh asked what my views on sex before marriage were (in fact he didn't ask I brought it up). It's just part of dating as a Christian that you need to work out where people's boundaries in that department lie because it varies. If he's totally freaked by you asking then I'd be surprised. Most Christians just see that conversation as talking about part of their belief system and how they practice it like whether or not they drink alcohol or go to church every week.

I'd also say that not all Christians are Conservative. I was open to sex before marriage but wanted to wait until I knew the relationship I was in was a solid commitment and felt it had a future. I wasn't a virgin when I met dh but if he'd judged me for my lack of experience compared to him then that definitely would have been a deal breaker for me. I'm not sure why you feel it would be uncomfortable for him to be a virgin. If he's not judging you for having slept with others then why wouldn't you afford him the same courtesy and not judge him on his experience. If he's respectful, makes you feel safe and you have lots of fun in bed together then surely that's what really matters. It shouldn't come down to a numbers game so I think you're over thinking that. You have children so he obviously knows there's been at least one other man before him and he's fine with that.

I would imagine that if he was very fundamentalist in his views he wouldn't be dating an atheist in the first place because he wouldn't want to waste your time and his own. So my guess is that he's Liberal leaning and you just need to have an honest and respectful chat to work out what that means to him. It sounds like his approach is quite live and let live - as long as you're supportive of him going to church and practising his faith in the way that's right to him, then he'll be supportive of you being an atheist.

@Lavender14 it is not an assumption or stereotype when it's based on hundreds (possibly thousands) of interactions with real and different people who call themselves christians.

I think you're on a tangent here.

Put aside religion which is a red herring before you've even met him, I'd have concerns that he sounds very naive, having had no relationships before at his age, while you have two children. You're at completely different life stages and that in itself doesn't set you up for success.

i would have doubts about compatibility in aspects other than religion.

@KeinLiebeslied54321 when you say "they tend to" what you are doing is grouping all Christians together as a monolith. And then applying your knowledge of a few Christians to all of them. And that is stereotyping and bashing. What you could have said is "some Christians tend to". But you said "they" which made it problematic and judgemental.

I’d be more alarmed that he’s 35 and NEVER had a relationship- he doesn’t cite his religion as a reason for that. Instead telling you he hasn’t tried to find anyone because he’s “never liked himself”.

If you’re looking for a fun uncomplicated relationship then this sounds the opposite!

He’s going to be inexperienced, insecure , and possibly has some serious identity issues.

I think this is an issue with your approach to on line dating as much as anything. There's a long running thread in relationships I'd suggest you look at.

This is far too deep for someone you've not met yet. You've strayed into relationship territory.

It's best, in my experience, to not talk for more than a couple of weeks before meeting, ideally you've arranged to meet within a week. Keep the conversation light, no sex talk until you've met, and definitely no conversations about "the future" you don't know this person and it's all BS until you know otherwise.

It's a gross, lazy stereotype.

"I've met hundreds of <insert any race or religion> so I'm qualified to say what 'they' are probably like"

The major Christian denominations teach that sex outside marriage is a sin. Many of them accept that people will do it, but this is still a core part of mainstream Christian theology, based on centuries of biblical interpretation. So it’s not unreasonable to imagine that many Christians will be influenced by this, even if they take a more liberal approach in practice.

I've not once said my knowledge applies to ALL christians, I'm referring to the ones I've met (and I have met a lot, varieties of ages, both sexes, a variety of churches etc). OP needs to determine just how evangelical this man is, because that is key.

Christians often find true depictions of themselves judgemental.

But that's not what I am saying.
I am giving @catslave23 an honest review of the christians I have met and how they behaved.

As a Christian I would say wait to bring it up till you have had a couple dates and you know if you like him. Not that many of us stick to no sex before marriage anymore but talking about sex before meeting may be seen as forward.

Please check his views on the roles of men and women. Who has final day on decisions for the family. I was treated appallingly by my husband he got violent when I stood up for myself and the church pastor pressured me to stay as I should have been subservient. I lost all my friends by leaving that marriage. I'm met many many Christians who value equality and don't have misogynistic tendencies and who I would say are the best type of person for a partner as they are so loving and kind but there are nasty sexist ones out there be careful

@KeinLiebeslied54321 you're not getting my point. Saying "Christians tend to" or "they tend to" or "Christians often" is the exact same as saying "all Christians" ... because you're not saying "some" you're not acknowledging in your use of language that you're only referencing a tiny percentage of Christians that you know- because you do only know a tiny percentage. I don't find what you've said to be a true depiction of me (I'm very Liberal, fully agree with what you said earlier about context being important when reading the bible, pro lgbtqa+ rights, pro abortion and a feminist) but you said "Christians tend to"... so you have, by default, lumped me into that grouping. Which is a stereotype and why I find it offensive because what you described is not representative of how I practice my faith. Can you see what I'm saying?

The fact that he’s told you he’d prefer to meet a Christian woman means this is a non starter.

I couldn’t be bothered with a grown man in his 30’s trying to learn everything about relationships, sex and intimacy with me- like a dry run for the real thing (until he meets a nice Christian lady)

Non starter. You’re worlds apart.

Oh I'm 'getting" your point, I'm just not agreeing with it.
Saying 'christians tend to' is most definitely not the same as saying 'all christians (definitely) do'.
I have not once claimed my experience is everyone's experience. I also have not, at any point, made any comment on how your christianity looks.
Let's leave it there as we'll be hogging OPs thread with our disagreement (also not trying to have last word and respect that we don't have to agree on this). 😁

Out of interest, would the Christian women on this thread consider a relationship with a non Christian?

I know a few Christians and they seem like lovely people. I have no issue with them.

However, I couldn’t imagine (as an atheist) having a relationship with a man whose fundamental beliefs are so different to mine.

*Edited due to quoting the wrong poster 😬

Christians often find true depictions of themselves judgemental

When you say 'true depictions', do you mean your prejudices?

No, I mean true depictions of how they their live out their faith, such as wanting others to be 'saved' because they see them as 'sinners', regular bible study, regular church attendance, not accepting same sex marriage etc etc......
Stating what many people actually do isn't a prejudice.
If I said ALL christians do that ALL of the time then that clearly wouldn't be correct but at no point have I actually said this.
Again, some christians call things judgement and prejudice when really it's just an accurate depiction of how they live their faith. It's their choice to do that, clearly, but it's not prejudice to point out how this is part of the lives of many christians (especially lots of the ones I have met). OP needs to find out whether her future date defines himself and lives his life centred around being a christian or whether it's a small part of a much more diverse identity (and not I am not saying evangelicals don't do other things, but the more involved someone is then the more it impacts their life, and the life of those around them).

Out of interest, would the Christian women on this thread consider a relationship with a non Christian?

I did when I was in my early 30s, I think I didn't trust God to find me a marriage partner, I just went and found one myself - of course completely wrong for me, non-Christian (Muslim based but not religious himself) and more importantly, he was abusive. After 5 years we got divorced (and I agonised over that at the time because I believe marriage is for life, but at the same time, being abused by someone is definitely not right).

Again I chose another non-Christian after a couple of years of being single, but he has turned out to be a wonderful partner. I wasn't practising Christianity at that time although if asked I would say I was a Christian, still a believer just didn't do any of the things I should have been doing, i.e. studying the Bible, praying, learning to listen to and be guided by the Holy Spirit. It's only in the past 18 months (27 years into the relationship!) that I have started to do this in earnest. DP knows and doesn't object, I would love him to convert but am certainly not going to try to badger him into it, that doesn't go well with anyone.

I don't have children so I think that's an important distinction, as I wouldn't want to bring them up in a divided house, I'd rather both parents were practising Christians.

I'm Christian, dh is atheist. We agree on the fundamentals of how we want to treat other people and that's what we focus on when raising ds. When he's older he'll come with me to church and learn about that. Dh has said he's happy to go and see DS at events or if he's doing something at the church like a nativity etc but he doesn't go regularly and ds will grow up knowing that dh has a different viewpoint. When he's old enough he'll make his own mind up on what he believes. The key is that dh and I both see each other as intelligent people who have come to different conclusions and we respect that and focus on the bits we have in common, I don't push him to 'convert ' and he is supportive of my faith. Would it be easier if dh was Christian... in some ways I guess it would be nice to be able to share some aspects of it with him and spend Sunday mornings together but at the same time I have a wonderful, loving and respectful husband and I wouldn't swap that.

That’s interesting thank you. From your experience, it can work in principle although as you say; there are potential issues.

In answer to your question op, I would attempt to ask him about his experience with women and sex. It’s difficult because you don’t want to come across as someone who’s simply interested in a shag (fine if that’s what you want though)!

Perhaps meet briefly if not too logistically difficult. As others have said, it’s only on meeting in real life that you can establish if you have any connection or whether this is worth pursuing.

I would have reservations about his non existent experience of relationships, the reasons behind that and his (possible) issues with his sexual identity (?)

Probably goes without saying - keep your children safe- don’t introduce them or have the guy in your house at this early stage.

Good luck x

@CrunchyCarrot thanks for that honest reply. I think that might help @catslave23 more than my (and other) ramblings.
With that I am bowing out and wishing you well OP - you've lots to think about and there is no one right answer, but hopefully the thread has given you some insight into what you might want to be considering.

Being Christian does not necessarily equate being overly religious and many believing Christians have sex in a committed relationship, and live together before marriage.

However, you are jumping the gun a bit. You two haven't even met yet and no matter how well you get on 'chatting', meeting in the flesh is a different matter altogether.

In your place, I would meet and see how you like each other, if you have things in common, etc, and feel mutual attraction. Then see how it goes. It doesn't have to lead to setting up home together but you could have an enjoyable time and make a worthwhile relationship.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket, see other men when you can and I think it would be a good idea for him to see other women too because he has said he would have preferred to find a girl with similar faith, also would have liked to have children - and in his thirties he is not too old for that whatever he thinks.

Not everything has to be serious. Just take it one step at a time.

I’ve got a few mates who are regular churchgoers and none of them have abstained from sex before marriage. I think this bloke would have to be a pretty devout and possibly evangelical Christian if he doesn’t believe in premarital sex - in which case he probably wouldn’t be looking to date atheists.

Good advice on seeing other men, it's a good idea to keep looking and talking, keep your options open until you've at least progressed to exclusively dating.