To not be keen on son's girlfriend

[MyWildAmberDreamer]

Girlfriend is 22 (son is 21). Son lives with me, his dad and little brother (6). Son and girlfriend both work part time.
Girlfriend has been staying over 2-3 nights a week since they started seeing each other 2 years ago (we put a limit on it when she once ended up here for a whole week with no sign of going home any time). We have tried to be welcoming to her but are lucky if we get a hello from her, let alone a please or thank you. She has literally sat in my kitchen whilst I've been cooking dinner for everyone (including her!) and has barely spoken two words to me despite me trying to talk to her nicely but as soon as son came into room was whispering and giggling with him.
It feels like she thinks our house is a b&b she stays in with her boyfriend and she doesn't have to bother speaking to the staff.
When we spoke to son about it he said she's shy. But last weekend she was reading a 50 shades of grey style book on our sofa whilst our 6 year old (excellent reader!) was in the room with her. I didn't challenge her at the time as I only googled the title after she'd gone and was shocked. Younger son seems to think she's OK as she deigns to talk to him.

What would you do in this situation? Son doesn't seem to think there's an issue, if anything he'd like her here more! There are no signs of them moving in together any time soon. Not sure on longevity of relationship as its son's first 'proper' relationship.

of course son doesn't think there's an issue - he's not being ignored in his own home. id tell him if he wants to see her now to go to her house.
I'm sure you'll get the excuse of her being shy etc but its not an excuse - she is rude and honestly quite entitled to think she can stay under your roof without being polite at the very least.

I think I'd say to my son, that perhaps he could clue his girlfriend into the expectations in the family home, i.e, that you say hullo on arriving, goodbye on leaving, ask if you can help if in the kitchen and someone is preparing the family meal, pleases and thank yous cost nothing and are required, you don't whisper in front of others and giggle, and you don't read inappropriate material in family areas. Different families have different ideas of what constitutes okay family behaviour, and it's possible hers is different. Also, make sure your son knows all of the above applies to him as well.

Unfortunately, there isn't a lot you can do. Our DS's girlfriend appeared to be painfully shy, despite having a customer facing role. She didn't even try to fake it with us. It sorted of hit home for DS after the GF left after a few days here, after I had offered a drink/breakfast, without even saying goodbye. I didn't say anything, but my face must have; she did get a little better after that, but we all breathed a sigh of relief when they broke up.

I would limit to her staying one night a week.

How come DS doesn't stay at hers?

Oh, and I'd say to my son that I'm asking him to clue her in as a courtesy to both him and her, because I'm sure that they'd both find that less embarrassing than me doing it, which is what is going to happen if he doesn't, and improvements aren't made and seen somewhat sharpish.

I agree with this. And also to her staying less often if she can't speak to you.

yes I agree with others - tell him either he has a conversation with her about manners or you will do it yourself.

I don't know why - he only seems to stay at hers if her parents aren't around. I've asked him about that before but got a "I do!" reply...!

I would say to him - I know she's important to you but if she's going to stay here she needs to be a bit more polite - hellos, please, etc. Not read inappropriate books in the shared areas. And can you not whisper to each other. Go to your room if you want to talk privately.

I wouldn't attack her personality. I'd just say that he can't have a guest to stay 3 nights a week. It's too much. She can stay 1 or 2 nights max. I suspect her parents might of already done this - hence they end up at yours. If they want to see each other all the time they can get their own place.

Also go easy if she is shy. Shyness isn't rudeness. You don't want her to feel uncomfortable. In time she'll open up to you should the relationship go on.

I’d describe myself as an introvert/shy, so I understand her discomfort.

However I’ve always made a real effort with my in-laws, despite them being much more extroverted and social than I am.

Being shy was never an excuse but it won’t fly after two years of ignoring you in your own home while taking advantage of your hospitality.

Honestly I’d tell him unless she grew some manners she wasn’t welcome to stay overnight anymore, and going forward he can make sure they sort themselves out for food.

Op don't know what I would do. How old is she? If she is genuinely shy then mentioning her manners will make it much worse and she'll feel even more shy.
However, it would be good to help her by setting a basic standard of hello and goodbye.
And a thank you.

I'm not sure how you would go about mentioning this without making it worse but you do need a basic level of respect.

Perhaps say to your son you understand she's shy but she must try and say either hello or thank you or good bye once in one week, twice the next etc

I get feeling shy, I really do, I was horribly shy as a youngster but I would always be polite to boyfriend's parents, especially if I was staying the night.

I would also be more forgiving if she was a new girlfriend of a few weeks/months but it's been 2 years now. We have spoken to son about this before and it got a little better each time for a week or two then it was swiftly back to barely speaking. I have also heard her boasting to him about not helping out at her house (which is probably why they spend more time here come to think of it) which hasn't helped.

She's a 22 year old woman who does know better, she gives off serious idgaf vibes.

I didn't like any of my DSs first few girlfriends so I don't think you're alone there OP! Thankfully he saw the light eventually!

It's really difficult to know what to do but I'd be careful about what I say to DS as you could end up pushing them together even more. She does sound a little shy to me and she must find it difficult to talk to her BFs mum who she probably has nothing in common with. Of course she'll engage with your other DS as he will have things in common with her - I don't think that's unusual at all.
I used to struggle to talk to my DCs friends at times as I wanted to be friendly but not over friendly and not be an idiot and embarrass my kids!
I guess you could say to him that she can only stay over twice a week or something like that but that wouldn't improve your relationship with her and he might then go to her place and you'd see less of him.
I did laugh at your book comment though OP - it sounded a little prudish - was she reading it out loud? At least she was reading and not staring at her phone! I don't see this as a problem at all.

I would tell my son either basic common courtesy is extended, or she can go be rude somewhere else.

“We have spoken to son about this before and it got a little better each time for a week or two then it was swiftly back to barely speaking.”

Why would she change her behaviour when there is zero consequence for acting like an arsehole? He obviously isn’t making it a bigger issue, and she’s still getting free room and board.

If I behaved like that to my MIL, DH would have dumped me, and likewise for him and my parents. Massive red flag.

The only part of this that’s vaguely unreasonable about this is criticising her choice of reading material in public, it’s hardly intrusive. The rest is awful though.

I couldn't put up with this. I would have to say something to her. I would wait until she's just ignored me and then I would say "I need a word with you. I've known you for two years and you've never been friendly throughout that time even though you've spent a couple of days a week in my house having free food Etc. I'm not doing it anymore. Either you show some respect and act in a friendly manner or you can stay in your own home from now on." Then I would leave the room pronto!

Never attack his partner she makes him happy
It will backfire and you will loose out.

He'll move out and your hardly see him.

Absolutely. I can't believe you have allowed her to behave like this in your own home. I'd be telling my son exactly how I felt about her shocking rudeness and the overnight stays would no longer be happening. Hell would freeze over before I had someone make me feel uncomfortable in my own fucking house.

As someone who is shy and socially awkward I can generally sympathise with shyness. But after 2 years the shyness with you should have worn off by now! Also shyness doesn't excuse rudeness: even if she finds small talk difficult she should show you basic good manners and offer to help with certain things seeing as you are being good enough to let her use your home.
I really don't see why you should put up with this in your own home and your DS should respect you enough to talk to her about how her attitude is upsetting for you.

^^ This! If you’ve already spoken to him more than once, then speak directly to her. You should not have to feel uncomfortable in your own home. I probably wouldn’t be setting any ultimatums (sp. ultimata?) but more along the lines of until you can afford to live independently, you need to treat us like family not staff.

Also to the PPs saying you’ll drive your son away - nah, he sounds passive as sh*t, you might get some mardy door slamming but they honestly don’t sound like the most motivated couple

You are doing your son a massive disservice by tolerating behaviour like this. Your silence and willingness to have her in your home is telling him her rudeness is acceptable.

Put your foot down. It's your home, tell them both to get their own place if they want to be together.
Why do they only work part time?

Thanks all, yes I should have done something about this beforehand but being a conflict avoider I have let it go way more than I should have. It changes today.

And also I did laugh out loud about the prude comment - I have no issue with the genre she's reading at all, it's more the fact it's age inappropriate for my younger child and I do not want to have to explain what bdsm/cbt is to a very inquisitive 6 year old! And nor should I have to! Serious ick!